How To Find True Love

I’m out of alignment with my true love. All of us know that our first true love is ourselves. No wonder I want to escape.

I am getting towards the end of A New Earth. I’m on the second to last chapter title Your Inner Purpose. I can tell that it holds meaning for me because I can barely hold my eyes open. I want to escape through sleep.

Wanting to escape from the present moment is the state of my present moment. How can I be my best in this “wanting to escape” moment? This is a dilemma. If I accept what Tolle says then has my life been a waste so far.

I can go into that spiral of self-degradation or I can just be in the present moment noticing that I want to go to sleep. Do I have to figure out my mental dilemma in order to write some insightful words that will inspire and enlighten you? Or can I just be here with myself without judgment.

I have always been goal driven, status driven, what others think driven. I rebelled against how these concepts manifested themselves in my parents’ lives. I have however very much taken them on in my life just in a different form.

Tolle says that you can not become successful. You can only be successful in the present moment. Well, I realize after reading this sentence several times. The first several times I only read the surface words, but I kept coming back. For sometime, I have not felt successful in the present moment because I’ve set very tough goals for myself in order to push myself. All I succeeded in doing was to push myself into more and more of a downward failure spiral.

How this looks in my life is that I set a goal, usually an income/sales goal that was so unrealistic that only a miracle could have gotten me there. Now, I do believe in miracles and would start to degrade myself and my abilities when the miracle didn’t happen. I would start thinking that I must not be on the right path because God didn’t step in and co-create my miracle.

I can barely keep my eyes open and I’m sitting in a restaurant with lots of activity happening around me and a continuous cup of coffee.

In getting caught up in this negative downward spiral, I’m not being in the present moment. And, yes the present moment is all we have unless we want to live in memories which fade over time. Sometimes as our memories fade, we embellish them to be what we wanted our real lives to have been. I must be guilty of this because my head just went into my hand – too heavy to hold up. Can I just stop now? Maybe just take a cat nap… eyes closed leaning my head against the booth end.

Great prize, I can’t keep my eyes open. There must be a golden nugget here somewhere if I could only find it.

I decided to change my business structure and that is really freeing to me. Yet my ego kicks in saying, you’ll get taken, what they are doing is not half the work. If they are good, they’ll automate things which will require little time on their part while you are slaving to create content. My head in my hand again. Yet, I know I would be so much happier if someone else would automate all my computer processes.

My laptop battery died…

Hi, this is the next day. I left breakfast when my laptop’s battery ran out of juice and went to my morning meeting. It lasted two hours and all the time I was trying to stay in the present moment. I was so tired.

After the meeting I went to lunch, I was still so tired, not focused, my mind seemed blank. I had an immediate dilemma – work or not.

I chose to not work. I went home and laid on the couch and listened to a book on tape. I dosed, rewound the tape, listened, dosed, rewound the tape, and listened. Thought about working. I didn’t have any motivation. I didn’t qualify as a couch potato – I didn’t have the energy to watch TV.

I had early awaked that morning because of an emotionally wrenching dream. Was my mind blank because I didn’t want to face that dream? Or was it because of what Tolle was saying about inner purpose. I don’t know.

Was yesterday a wasted day? My outer-driven self says yes, definitely – you listened to a book on tape, you didn’t even exert enough energy to read.

Was yesterday a wasted day?

My inner-self says no, it was just yesterday.

Today, I get to choose.

I can berate or accept. I can seek atonement through overtime today or I can accept. I can analyze yesterday and lose the moment, the moments of today by dwelling on yesterday or I can accept.