Ex-wives and Their Children's Step-Mothers
78Why Bitterness May Not Be What It Seems
The role of stepmother has its own set of challenges, and one of the most daunting of those challenges can arise when there is conflict between ex-wives who seem bitter and new stepmothers. Understanding the possible causes of an ex-wife's apparent bitterness may help stepmothers and their husbands address the problem in a way that makes the lives of all involved more peaceful, pleasant, and productive in terms of the best interests of the children.
Dealing with the problem of a bitter ex-wife can require different approaches, depending on the degree and nature of the apparent bitterness. If the ex-wife is truly bitter and vengeful there are times when dealing with the problem can only be handled through the courts. There can be times when the ex-wife's bitterness may be the result of her misunderstanding the motives or intentions of their children's father and his wife, so sometimes trying to open better lines of communication may help.
There can be times, too, when what appears to be bitterness on the part of the ex-wife (and more importantly, the mother of the children from the first marriage) may actually be something quite different. Sometimes when a second wife (particularly one without children of her own) assumes that an ex-wife is acting out of bitterness and vengefulness the reason for the ex-wife's behavior may actually be much less malevolent than it may seem.
Many second-time-around couples want very much to be a family and include the children of the first marriage. Well-intended second wives want very much to become close to their husband's children as well. Second wives without children of their own may look forward to having stepchildren but may not understand the feelings mothers often have. Second wives with babies/toddlers from the present marriage may be torn between the love they have for their own child and the love they'd like to have for their husband's older children. The stepmother with children of her own from a previous marriage may have difficulty relating to children who are very different from her own. In the home of the married couple both partners usually and rightfully take the role of making the rules, so while stepmothers may be perfectly reasonable in expecting certain rules of the house to be followed, sometimes rules-of-the-house can conflict - in the children's eyes and sometimes in fact - with who has the right to tell children what they can and cannot do in general.
Mothers of children from first marriages are often delighted to be out of the first marriage, and many are delighted that the husband they hoped would find happiness after divorce has remarried. When women hate their first husbands they usually don't care if those husbands remarry; so regardless of the terms on which a first-marriage couple finds itself, bitterness because an ex-husband has a new wife may not be as common as the bitterness that comes if that new wife creates complications in the children's lives or in the relationship between them and their father.
Most normal, good, mothers are, by instinct, protective of their children and the bond between their children and them, as well as the children's bond with their father. It is normal and natural for mothers to expect their ex-husband's second wife to build a nice relationship with children, be a good role model, and define what the role of stepparent should be (and many mothers believe it is a very different role from that of parent). When mothers appear to be demonstrating bitterness it can be because they believe the stepmother is trying to overstep her bounds. Just as mother cats are ready to protect their kittens, mothers are usually inclined to exercise their maternal instincts if they think someone may be trying to overstep bounds, even when that's not what a stepmother intends to do.
Mothers, too, often believe that events such as school plays and parent-teacher meetings should be opportunities for mothers and fathers of the children to show children that Mom and Dad are still the ones who show up, as always. Its a matter of increasing children's sense of stability and showing them that, when it comes to their lives, parents don't need to be married to still act as Mom and Dad when the occasion calls for it.
Sometimes in their enthusiasm to take on a new role as "parent" stepmothers can forget that the role of stepmother and the role of mother are very different. In their well intentioned wish to include their husband's children, stepmothers can at times act as if they forget that one nuclear family cannot be broken up and reorganized to form a new one or additional one. Once a nuclear family is broken up it is no longer the traditional nuclear family. The only thing that can help children feel as if their nuclear family is separated but not broken completely is to show them that in at least a few ways their original nuclear family does, at times, share something like the school play or parents' night.
Mothers often believe that fathers should make sure they spend time alone with just the children, and sometimes fathers, in their wish to rebuild the family they once had with another wife, forget to spend time with just the children. Sometimes stepmothers may, in fact, have very different values when it comes to children, and it would be a rare mother who would not wish to assert her own values her own way without the interference of someone that neither she nor her children chose to have in their lives. Some mothers may actually like the idea of their children's seeing their father in a nice relationship and seeing an example of a good marriage. They may be completely comfortable with their children's having half-siblings too. What can make mothers uncomfortable, though, is having to deal with any issues the children have as a result of (sometimes) their emotional issues not being addressed quite appropriately by a father or stepmother who may not understand what the child is going through. While there are certainly fathers who have an excellent understanding of human nature and their own children, it is not at all uncommon for fathers to have less understanding of their children's emotional needs than their mothers do.
A well intentioned stepmother wrote on a parenting site that she tried to put her heavy stepchild on a strict diet during two-week stays at her home. Her belief was that the child's mother wasn't feeding the child healthy foods and encouraging exercise, so she wanted to "educate" the child during visits. There are times when, maybe, a stepmother may actually be more correct about what would be better for a child, but that isn't the point when it comes to whether or not the child's mother has a right to resent, and seem bitter over, someone who - regardless of whether they're correct or not - has no right to assert her own values or even good nutrition practices over a child who, quite naturally, believes he has one mother and one father only.
Second husbands may marry women who are not at all like the wives they divorced, so the chances of having different values and practices between an ex-wife and a second wife are pretty good. A traditional mother and a New Age stepmother are not going to have common ideas about the children, and no matter what a mother's beliefs are about children she will not want someone with very different beliefs having influence over them. Second wives sometimes began their relationship with their husband before a divorce was final (or even discussed). Ex-wives often believe (correctly or not) that the relationship caused or contributed to the demise of their relationship with their children's father. Even when that isn't the case or when ex-wives don't believe that, there is the issue that many people see anyone who is willing to allow a relationship with a married person to begin at all as 1) lacking character or strength and/or 2) as being willing to be in the position of being "the other woman". Either way, thinking of the second wife this way can make an ex-wife think she is not someone her children should be around.
Finally, unless people are extremely wealthy, living expenses can often create a strain for couples and for divorced individuals regardless of who has custody of children. Ex-husbands can have demands on their finances as a result of the divorce. Ex-wives can often struggle to meet the financial needs of providing for children as well. The fact that neither Dad nor Mom can really afford that new prom gown may not affect Mom's wish to make sure her daughter gets a new gown, like all her friends do, because mothers sometimes have a better understanding of how important some seemingly "frivolous" things can be. As a result, mothers sometimes feel the need to ask for assistance from the father of their child even if they prefer they didn't have to. A father's inability or unwillingness to help pay for something like a prom gown can make a mother feel that her child's father is more willing to deny something their daughter sees as so important, so the mother may exhibit some signs of anger or frustration that look like "bitterness".
While there is no doubt bitter ex-wives exist in this world, much of what appears to be bitterness may often not be that at all; and the way to try to deal with such apparent bitterness may be to try to understand it more. Sometimes understanding the root of a problem can provide a guide when it comes to how to deal with that problem.
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Divorce Online free divorce articles and divorce information on financial, legal, psychological, real-estate, and other aspects of divorce. You can turn to the Professional Referral section of Divorce Online to locate divorce assistance near you. - Help your Teen Adjust to a Stepfamily
Dr. Susan Bartell, author of Stepliving for Teens, gives parents steps to provide their teenager and new blended family with the best possible opportunity for success. - inStepMinistries.com
inStep Ministries: Our vision is to connect every single, divorced and remarried person to a community of faith. - Tips for Divorcing Parents
No guide can guarantee a way to steer kids unscathed through a divorce. Every situation — and every family — is different. But these commonsense guidelines might make the adjustment a bit easier. - Pediatric Advisor 2006.2: Divorce: Helping Children Cope
- http://extension.unh.edu/Family/Parent/SApubs/divorce.pdf
- Children and Divorce: Introducing your Child to your New Partner | FitWatch
It has been a few years and mom and dad are ready to date again. When should the kids be introduced to the new man or woman in your life? Here are some tips - http://www.medem.com/medlb/article_detaillb.cfm?article_ID=ZZZ4KZADH4C&sub_cat=0
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Comments
Mary, thanks for your comment. I don't doubt that once children are accustomed to having their step-mother in their life they some expect her to be at functions. Some, though, would enjoy just that much time with just their two parents.
Your comment makes it clear to me, though, that the piece should have clarified a few things regarding its purpose. Here's what I should have added (and will when I get the chance): All families, like the individuals in them, need to handle things in the way that is right for their particular circumstances, and their particular members. There are step-families that are made when children are preschoolers. There are children who had single parents and didn't have "super ingrained" identities built on coming from the "mother/father" family. Some children have lost a parent and welcome having someone to act as, say, their mother. The article should have clarified that it was aimed at preventing resentment and confusion for children (beyond early preschool years), who come from divorcing/divorced parents; and for whom the upheaval of having their parents' marriage turn their lives upside down is particularly upsetting.
I was not really "very biased", although I will admit to some bias when it comes to the article's intent. The article was based on having been exposed to a large number of people who have been step-children. The article is aimed at reducing unnecessary complicating, confusing, situations for some children (again, those for whom the up-ending of the only world they knew, and for whom being separated from one of their beloved parents, is particularly difficult).
On the matter of school acitvities, school activities come along once in a while. For children who are delighted to have a step-parent there, obviously the person should be there. Children, however, like having time with just one parent. They also like having time with both parents. A divorce eliminates all the other "just my parents" time for those children who still feel the need for that. The occasional school activity offers the opportunity for parents to give that one little bit of "just my parents" time to children who won't otherwise have it. Handled properly, it isn't a matter of "pretending that everyone is still a family". Children understand things when parents talk to them. When parents have solid communication with their child it becomes clear that nobody is pretending. Obviously, if a child wants a step-parent there that's one thing. On the other hand, there are children who secretly wish they could just be with their own two parents just one in a while, and that's another matter. It does not have to be confusing for children.
The "just school-related" setting can help children see that such "just my parents" time only happens when school activities involved, so they can see that this is not a day-to-day lifestyle thing of parents still sort of being together. School actitivies are clearly focus on the child, and having parents be there and just focusing on the child and activity can make it clear that it is "about the child" and not about the parents. Among the many step-kids and about-to-be step-kids I've known, I can think of one recent example of a graduating college student who said it "felt weird" to have the mother's fiance and the father together at the graduation. Obviously, if children are two years old when step-parents show up it wouldn't be the same for them. Having school activities means children are school aged. Kids of that age aren't stupid, and they can understand when parents explain the difference between a school activity and dinner every Wednesday night with just Mom and Dad.
I doubt - if you could interview all (or most) knowledgeable, skilled, counselors in the world, they would find anything wrong with the simple idea that, for those families to whom the article is aimed, having just the parents at school functions is a bad idea. If such a survey did, in fact, turn up beliefs that are contrary to mine on this one issue, then I do differ (and, obnoxious as this may seem, do think they may change their minds if they 1) really understood the context within which the idea has been presented and 2) think it out a little more).
I think, though, that you're incorrect in your statement that the article is "very biased". It is actually quite objective in that it was written by neither a step-parent nor a parent of children who have any step-parents. The aim of the article was to call attention to the needs of children when it comes to trying to make the "new life" that adults have built for them a little less confusing. Readers are, of course, welcome to disagree and/or think the article in junk.
On "You are expected to be a mother.....house." I'm not necessarily in disagreement, although one question may be, "expected by whom?". Even with that question, though, I'm not necessarily disagreeing. One point, though, is that "being a mother" (or "mother at this house") and "being the child's mother" can sometimes mean two different things (particularly for some children more than others); and there can be subtle differences in those meanings. It isn't easy to sort out those subtle differences, and the point of the article is to try - from an objective viewpoint - to help sort out some of those differences.
I think I have presented some ideas that will go against the grain of how many people may do things. Differing ideas are always welcome. If I think clarifying may help in some instances I'll try to clarify. If trying clarify won't help then differing ideas are still welcome.
I do think, though, that "separated families" or "dismantled families" (as they relate to being a child's sense of relationship to parents) have to be thought of as "broken" or treated as "broken". As much as adults involved may wish to eradicate absolutely all remnants of the original family and start a completely new one; when it comes to what parents do with and for their child (in their role as "parent" and ONLY in their role as parent), it is at least worth considering the possibility that a few remnants of "Mom and Dad as a parenting team" or "Mom and Dad as the only parents" may not be such a bad thing.
When people need to adjust to a new life it is often recommended that they "make a clean break", rather than keep going back to, say, the old neighborhood. That's what recommended when the old house was sold and the only choice is to adjust to the new one. Children of divorce, however, must find a way to reconcile the idea that their living situation will change, while their relationship with their parents (and their parents' feelings toward them) will not.
That's a fine line for a child to delineate because children are not mature, and they're in the throws of the divorce. The reality is there is no "going back to the old house". A divorce means "the house is sold". The trouble is that children may have a new situation, but they're supposed to know that their relationship with each parent will always be the same. When it comes to how children see their parents deal with them, as their parents, "making a clean break" is not necessarily something children should be expected to do. While they must make a clean break from their old living situation, the one thing that parents usually try to preserve for their children is that unique relationship of being their parents.
A clean break is what people are advised to do when something has ended. Comment continued.
Comment continued from above.
While children's earlier nuclear family situation has ended their relationship with the parents they've always known is not supposed to. The clean-break rule may not be the one to follow when it comes specifically to this relationship.
Children of divorce must learn the difference between making a clean break from their old living situation and old family and making a cleaning break from their parents' remaining the same parents as ever to them. They need to find that difference at a time when they're feeling in upheaval, when the adults around them aren't seeing things objectively, and among major changes in their lives.
If adults know how to find a way to help children have some sense of continuity (at least when it comes to their relationship with their parents) it just may not be a bad thing. It could send children that message that while everything has changed their individual relationships with their parents does not have to.
Changing a child's world is one thing. Introducing two new, different, worlds is one thing. Believing that the only thing to do is eradicate the few remaining remnants of a child's first relationship with his parents is another thing.
The world is full of different views, and they're all welcome here as far as I'm concerned. It's always good to present balance.
This is written with the slant that the biological mother is mature enough and secure enough to genuinely wish her ex-husband well in his life without her, and to not feel jealousy about the stepmother. That is so rare as to be practically non-existent!
Smirking Cat, thanks for the comment. Objective (and even critical) remarks make any hub have more substance.
Agreed that it presumes a reasonable degree of emotional maturity on the part of all involved - but I don't necessarly see that as "slant". There is emotional immaturity in all walks of life, and this article was not intended to address dealing with the unbalanced. It is common for articles that are aimed at a general audience to address the issues of people who don't have extreme emotional issues.
The intent was, in fact, to point out the misunderstandings and misinterpretations that can occur between even mature, well intentioned, people; and to point out the "legitimate" side of each part of the equation.
Your choice to call the children's mother the "biological mother" leads me to wonder if you are thinking of stepmothers who adopt their husband's children because the children's mother has had parental rights terminated or has voluntarily signed away parental rights. Most people choose to use the terms, "mother" and "stepmother" to describe the two different relationships in the more usual situations of marriage/divorce/remarriage. Obviously, if you're talking about those more unusual cases where the mother no longer has parental rights then you're not talking about a mother who is stable and emotionally whole.
I am a child/family therapist, and a step-mother of 5 adult children. One of the children was a teen and lived with me from 17-19 years of age. My husband and I had a baby when the youngest of the first group of kids was 19. It has been a very challenging road. I knew all the catch all srep-parent traps to some degree, but somehow, being decent and treating all my husband's kids with love and respect just garnered me more resentment. Before we were married, and before we had a child the road was much easier. My husband was the parent "in Charge" and didn't want to sit down with the son who lived with us, and have agreements, and house rules stated. His sone was away at boarding school, and so definitley needed some lessons on taking responsibility for himself. As time has gone on, I just foound out he has been telling lies about me, which explains why two of the other kids have turned on me after being very relational, and grateful saying they see how I encourage their father to be more present with them. So most recently we experience a betrayal from my step-son and daughter. My husband held his ground, and is being firm about what they need to do to make amends. I am after 4 years, out of energy for putting attention on my relationship with them, I have experienced so much criticism for every move I make, they even evaluate my mothering of their little brother, who they aren;t even around to see. Is it ok for me just to take a break from it all. While my husband isn't going to let them off the hook, he does of course want a reconcilliation. But the truth is that the straw broke the camels back for me, and I am over it. Alos, they have been mean to my baby, taunting him until he cried and then laughing at hi, I just don;'t want them around him if they cannot clear their resentment. I don't think I can help them with whatever it is they need to clear. I don't want to relate with them for a while at least, and I feel that after years of being so open and available, that thus is healthy. What do you think? I am also concerned for my son, I don't want him to look up to people who are emotionally abusive to him
thanks
AG
I don't think it's my place to have an opinion about your specific situation, so please know that I'm reluctant to even offer any thoughts at all. Since you asked, though, one thing did strike me; and that it that teenagers and young adults can be, in general, difficult people. At 19 someone is kind of old to be taunting littler siblings, but a lot of teenagers will do it. (A lot of immature fathers who think things are funny will taunt a little kid too.) If the 19-year-old is "a little on the young side" (immature) that could be part of it. When they get angry or upset with parents and tell (what seems to parents like) lies, sometimes they aren't intentionally lying. Sometimes they actually believe what they're saying.
A PBS special on the teenager brain (and how the prefrontal cortex is not fully matured until "early to mid twenties") noted how teenagers actually perceive things differently. If a parent says some "innocent" thing a teenager may take it it as meaning something else.
Young people in their early 20's tend to think they know better than parents, and, as you as know, they have opinions about everything. To make it worse, they don't really know why parents do certain things; and they don't ask either. I can't help but wonder if the "evaluating your parenting" thing is their just being their age and having all "the infinite wisdom and expertise" that being that age brings.
I don't know the level of betrayal that occurred (if they physically did anything to your child that's a whole separate matter). If it was a verbal betrayal, though, and based only on the information you offered (again, keeping in mind that this is only an opinion of a "nobody"), I think I'd handle it this way:
First, I'd make it clear to everyone involved that I wasn't going to tolerate people that old taunting my child. I'd also tell everyone involved that I wasn't in the market for anyone's criticism, so criticism had to stop.
I'd probably let everyone know that I wanted to "just start clean from now on", though, and I don't think I'd expect any apologies from anyone.
I would, however, talk to each stepchild, starting with the problem one. I'd ask him if he really believes what he said and why he believes it. From there, I'd try to straighten out any misunderstandings or misconceptions he has. Even if I couldn't reach "being friends" with him, I'd try to set up an "agree to disagree" type of arrangement, and agree for the time-being to stay away from any "hot button" issues "for the sake of the family".
(I went through a rough spot with one of my own sons, and since neither of us wanted to be arguing all the time we agree not to discuss the things that got us arguing. That left us talking only about "neutral" things and not "really communicating" - but it gave us time to relate in a non-hostile way, and over time (once he grew a little more mature) we gradually returned to being able to have normal communication. It just seemed that we couldn't go from fighting to being "all friends" without having that time to be "less than ideal but at least not fighting".)
I'd probably also talk individually with the others and try to straighten out any misunderstandings, set up the same kind of agreement, and generally tell them all that if we all "dial it down some" we could probably come out better in the end.
It would seem to me that if you make the "don't harrass the little one" rule, and the "keep your criticism to yourself" rule, those aren't too much to ask. I'd probably remind them that expecting those two, basic, things isn't asking to much; and I'd probably calmly explain to them how their little brother sees them as adults, and how damaging it can be for a little kid to have adults be mean to him.
I think most people (kids, young adults, adults) want a good family relationship; and I think most will cooperate if requested to refrain from a couple of things just to make the family environment more pleasant for everyone. I know, though, there are emotionally troubled people who aren't interested in such "teamwork", and I suppose if the stepchildren are that troubled then you would be reasonable to limit your time with them.
Again, I'm very uncomfortable offering any opinion on any of this; but then again, I didn't want to leave the question without a response.
There is one other thing I think may be worth mentioning: I've noticed in my own life how young people seem so much younger as I get older. For example, before I had a child of fifteen myself I thought fifteen was "pretty grown up", and I had all kinds of ideas about what should be expected of them. Once my own kids passed that age I realized how young fifteen is. While I once had opinions about what the parents of fifteen year olds should do, I started to understand why those parents didn't do what I had once thought they should.
It's the same with twenty-year-olds. When you're thirty-five or forty twenty seems older than it does when you're fifty. Since you had a baby four years ago I'm assuming there's a good chance you're not fifty yet. I'm not defending any bad actions of step-kids who are as old as yours are, but the older we get, the more we realize how absolutely immature and ridiculous twenty-year-olds or twenty-two-year olds can be. I guess my point is that I can't help but wonder if you're dealing with some of the criticisms and challenges that any parent of kids that age often deals with.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. Yes, i have often thought that I am dealing with what alot of parents deal with, except I didn't get the perks of knowing them as babies... My husband and I do joke about it, that although they are so resistant to seeing me as a step mother, I am getting all the bruntthat a parent gets( as is he) of kids that age. I think I will set those two clear "rules" if we are able to get to that point. I think I have held my tongue so as to not be labelled the bitch, which it is inevitable anyway. I have tried many times to clear up any misunderstandings in the past, but the youngest one has not been interested, but then apologizes, I say lets start clean, as you put it, knowing that the misunderstandings will rear their head again but hoping that maybe we can have some healing from strating clean. But the uncleared issues continue to fester. It is difficult not being the parent, because I let my husband lead on this, and although I made suggestions, we went with his way. He also sees now, how his lack of clarity and communication about the changes that happened made things more difficult. I never thought about that I would ever be challenged in this way, never thought about what it would be like to have step kids, was happy about it at first even though I knew it wouldn't all be easy, I figured the most of them are adults. In regard to the relating, agree to disagree comment. We don't argue or fight or anything like that. Except for the unsolicited adviceabout child rearing which I correct, my step son has been very friendly for the last 1 1/2. All the while as it came out lately, that he cannot stand to be around me. Of course he can't, it takes alot of energy to be dishonest,and accept the changes too. I guess that I am saying that for me it takes more energy to have a pretense of what I would consider falseness, I am just not interested in relating this way. I have set the bar for him that if he wants to relate with me , then we need to sit down and have a conversation about the real issues. I don't mention the detals of the incident becasue they are only a reflection of the first few years we had together. I guess the pointto this all as I read over my lenghty discourse, is that I had been able to stay in my heart about all this for so long, really understanding alot of why what was happening was happening, but I am not on my heart now, I am not sure I can be that way again, and that saddens me. It is the curse of the step parent, because you can love them anyway, even if you don't care to anymore.
thanks again
I am going to reread some of what you wrote.
I know how difficult relationships can be. I was very close to someone who took teenage foster girls in after her husband died. She didn't want to be alone in the house, had a decent home to offer, and was feeling very pleased about feeling she could do something good in this world. When different girls would come to stay reality hit.
As you must know, teenagers who have been placed in foster care are either there because they've been neglected or abused, or else because they've gotten "out of control" with the fighting with the parents, acting up, etc. Some of them, more than others, had "good hearts" and tried to do well; but even then, so many of them stole other people's belongings, used drugs, fought with people, etc.
The woman who was the foster mother learned, though, that if she accepted them as they were and gradually tried to introduce more acceptable behavior after she had earned their trust (and friendship), they were more willing to listen to her views and "go with the program".
Of course, some of them continued their questionable behavior when they were out of the house, hid what they were doing, and behaved acceptably and even admirably in the house - but that was better than what they been doing when they were placed in foster care. This woman used to say how as long as they got along well in the home, went to school, didn't fight, and weren't high or drunk all the time she knew that may be all she could hope to accomplish. What often happened as a result of her approach, though, was that many of them would try very hard to get along and do what was right; and most of them thought very highly of her for her "understanding" and kindness.
It wasn't easy for her to just kind of know they lied a good part of the time, and it wasn't easy for her to come around to accept that (for example) if they were on the pill and didn't want to have any babies that was as good as she could hope for (since some of them had quite a wild past). It wasn't easy for her to have to overlook what she never would/could have overlooked in her own children (but, then again, her own children were not troubled, angry, people).
By learning to overlook some things she preferred not to overlook, however, she was able to gradually build that good relationship with girls who had, before then, not had any older person they'd listen to. She grew to really care about each girl, and most of the girls grew very attached to her.
It does take a lot of energy to have a pretense of getting along by always trying to remember what topics to stay away from, but I think it takes more energy to fight. What I've always found is that by starting with that tense mood of not hitting any third-rail topics in conversation, gradually the tension eases and it's more natural to just "tuck away" those touchy subjects.
As I said before, I don't feel I have a right to an opinion at all (and yet I keep giving one :) ), but there is one thing I think about. As a mother of three grown children, one of whom I adopted from infancy, I know one thing: There is no way I could marry someone with grown kids now (or teenagers) and love them (at least not in the first several years, if ever). I would hope we could all like one another, and I'd hope that over time we'd grow to be close (the way any friends or inlaws can become close). I can see how over years and years the people involved could end up loving one another.
I think, though, it's too much to expect to love one's stepchildren (if they're not babies or the littlest of kids); and it just seems to me that "liking" or "caring about" may be the most anyone can expect for a good, long, time. To me, though, that should be good enough for all involved. The love we have for the children we raise from infancy grows out of the fact that we're nurturing them and with them. (For me, it made no difference that I didn't give birth to one of them. It's the same, but he was infant when I got him.)
Most people say that when kids get past that "know all" age of early twenties, when they're just getting used to be adults, they tend to get closer to the parents again. They mature and get past that thing they're in at 20/22 years old. My daughter is close to her father and me, and she's a really decent girl, but she drives us both nuts with worry over some of things she does (and I don't fool myself into believing she isn't hiding a few things that go on either "so I won't worry").
Best wishes. I know it isn't easy. (When my son was 17 or 18, and we were going through our "disagreements" I couldn't imagine it ever ending - but it did.)
I wrote a few days ago and wanted to share your feedback with my husband. How Can I locate it?
Sorry, Andrea. I straightened out the problem.
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Mary says:
8 months ago
This is very biased. This person has obviously not been in the situation of stepmother and really has no idea. You are expected to be a mother when the kids are at your house. The kids also do expect that you will be at their functions. Most counselors on this issue will say that to have just the mom and dad at functions and at parent teacher meetings etc is in fact causing the children to have a misconception of the situation. Once the nuclear family is broken it is not helpful to "pretend" that everyone is still a family. This type of thinking is very harmful and confusing for the children