If you absolutely have to bring the kiddos to Vegas, this joint will at least keep them somewhat occupied while you are busy getting sloshed in the casino. Frankly, we can't think of whole lot of other reasons to stay here.

About Excalibur

Ever driven cross-country, and stayed at a Budget Inn on the way? The rooms are a little better than that, but not much. By that, we mean that they're clean, and you won't have to walk up a rusted flight of stairs to get to them. If you really don't give a crap about retiring in luxury after a day on the Strip, these rooms will suit you just fine.

The basic rooms are getting a bit outdated, and still have the silly medieval themed furniture we've all come to know and love. The bathrooms are fine for scrubbing and, well, other things you might do in a bathroom, but don't plan on being impressed.

If for some reason, you do want an upgrade while staying here, ask for a "widescreen room". The furniture is newer, there are granite countertops, and you'll get to watch Sanford and Son reruns on a flat panel television. Whee!

The whole hotel still has the "King Arthur" theme - we've got to give them kudos for that, since just about every other joint in town is scrambling to cast off any trace of a theme.

The pool area is designed to keep the rugrats away from the adults. There's a main pool with several smaller pools surrounding it, and big fake rocks everywhere. Since this is a family joint, you won't see much eye candy unless you're into balding car salesmen or middle-aged soccer moms.

Who Stays at Excalibur?

Folks with kids - mostly families who have been told of the horrors of Circus Circus, and wanted a little nicer place to bring the munchkins. We'd hoped there would be some renaissance faire enthusiasts too, but apparently there are some things too cheesy even for these folks.

How About Entertainment?

If you're a horny housewife or an idiot husband, Excalibur has you covered. "Defending the Caveman" moved here from one of the off strip joints, and is basically a comedy show that offers the jolting realization that men and women think differently. Wow, and all this time I thought I was actually supposed to like the Lifetime Movie Network.

For the ladies, there's Thunder from Down Under, an opportunity for women to watch tanned, hard-bodied men strut their stuff on stage. They told me my 126 lb. body was a perfect fit for their show, but alas, I'm swamped with other commitments.

Louie Anderson does a tepid comedy routine in the Thunder from Down Under room when it's not overrun with thong-clad Aussies and women who wish their husbands didn't resemble Hank Hill. It's the kind of show you could take your kids to, if you could stand them for that long.

There's also the Fantasy Faire Midway for kids. Yours will tell you it sucks. At any given time, about half the attractions are non-operational. It's kind of like being promised Disney World and then being treated to a day at Coney Island. There are some 4D motion simulator rides, though - if you can find one that works, it's a decent distraction.

Finally, there's the Tournament of Kings. Armor-clad actors ride horses and smack each other with sticks while you and the munchkins eat fried chicken. This show is crawling with hyperactive children, though, so if you've ever thought about having a GPS chip installed in your kid's head, do it before you see this show.

What about Restaurants?

If you've ever wanted a truly painful dining experience, there are plenty of options at Excalibur. First, there's Dick's Last Resort. If you've ever been to Applebee's or TGI Fridays, the food won't shock you. What might, though, is the servers who will flip you off and exhibit other gestures of intentional rudeness. It's "manufactured attitude", and you'll only find it amusing if you're drunk, from New Jersey, or both.

The Sherwood Forest Cafe is just another coffee shop. If you're passed out in front of the place suffering from caffeine deprivation, it'll do.

Regale is Excalibur's Italian offering, and it's pretty much like any Olive Garden or Carrabas you've ever been to.

The Steakhouse at Camelot offers Outback quality food at Outback prices. Zzzz....

Ah, and then there's the Round Table Buffet. Remember the old days, when you could stuff your gullet with a $1.99 steak-and-eggs special over at the Four Queens? The food's kind of like that, only you can't get it for $1.99. This joint is consistently rated as one of the worst buffets in Vegas. You'll definitely want to keep your Zantac handy after you gorge yourself here. About the only good thing about this buffet is the price.

If you're in fast food mode, there's plenty of deep fried crap over at the food court. Last time we were there, some guy dressed as a court jester was telling jokes across from the Manchu Wok. Turns out, he doesn't like having egg rolls thrown at him.

Casino Tidbits

There are more table games than usual, and they're crammed in pretty close. It's pretty easy to cause a ruckus by knocking over another player's drink. There are also tons of slots and video poker machines, for the more passive gambler.

One thing of note - even though this is supposed to be a "family hotel", the smoke here is so thick that you can bruise yourself if you run into it. Don't plan on attending a nice show at another casino unless you sneak out with your dress clothes stuffed in a hermetically-sealed bag.

Cocktail service is quite slow. We guess they don't want the parents to get too bombed while the kidlets are running amuck.

If you're betting $50 a hand, you might score a free meal. They also sometimes mail out room discount coupons, and even offer free rooms during the really slow season (like when it's 114 degrees outside).

Anything Else I Need to Know?

There's a liquor store over by the midway, in case you want to get sauced back at your room. Also, the south Strip location is inconvenient but not horrible, since it's the closest hotel to the monorail on the west side of the South Strip.

Oh, and in case you haven't figured this out, the kids can't hang out with you while you're in the casino. They can walk through, but if they stop, one of the serfs will escort you to Ye Olde Casino Dungeon, where you'll hang by your tows whilst listening to piped-in Celine Dion classics. Bet you won't try to pull that again.