Among the many predictable problems in troubled marriages it may come as a surprise that extended family conflicts rank up near the top. Problems with in-laws and other significant family members can create such havoc in a marriage that it has lead people to divorce. While the demise of any marriage is a sad affair it becomes even more problematic when family conflicts have played a part. Yet the good news is that there are several steps you can take in order to protect your marriage from undue influence from extended family while still maintaining a relationship with them. Here is what you need to know about not letting your extended family take a toll on your marriage-

• Understand that geography plays a part. What experts mean by this is that you will have a different relationship with your mother-in-law if she lives next door versus across the country. You will need different boundaries, have different expectations and be able to forgive certain things in one circumstance versus another. Obviously, if you live close to extended family versus only being able to see them when you go home for the holidays the entire relationship may be drastically different. Understanding that geography will play a part in your relationship will allow you to begin to form the relationship you really want to have with extended family members.
• Begin before the wedding. One false expectation that many couples have is that right after the wedding each will be warmly welcomed into the other's family structure. It is important to understand that developing a relationship with extended family takes time. By making an effort before the wedding to get to know your future in-laws and other family members you are sending a message that you care and you want to be part of their family. Take some time to be interested in your mother-in-law's spaghetti sauce recipe (you will want it anyway), your father-in-law's hobbies and even go shopping with your sister-in-law to be. Your efforts will go a long way to establishing the right kind of relationship.
• Set boundaries early. This is best done early in the relationship. Decide with your spouse how you want to handle visits, calls and other aspects of the relationship with your extended family. Each spouse should be able to vocalize how they feel about each of the issues without fear of judgment or criticism from the other one. The couple should ask themselves the following questions

1. Is it all right for family members to drop by unannounced? If it is not how far do we want them to call ahead?
2. Who will we spend holidays with? Will certain families get visited on certain holidays or will we rotate? How much will we include extended family in our holiday celebrations? Will everyone be invited to everything or will there be certain holidays earmarked for certain families?
3. If extended family does not live close by you may want to discuss how often they will be contacted. Will you call once a week or more often? How often will your spouse want to go home to visit?
4. Will we vacation with extended family? What are the expectations if we do so? If we do not want to vacation with them how do we make this clear?
These questions are not meant to determine hard and fast rules only to clarify expectations between the spouses and allow the couple to determine what boundaries they will have with extended family members. Once the boundaries have been determined that each spouse can work together to make sure that a happy and healthy relationship is being maintained with extended family members.

• Keep private matters private. To often newlyweds in the enthusiasm of their new marriage share too much (positive and negative) with extended family members. While you may be basking in the romantic glow of your new marriage do you really want your sister-in-law (who may share the details of your conversation with other family members) to know? Conversely you may be mad at your new spouse and quickly get over it but sharing the details with your mom or brother may lead to a long-standing grudge out of their loyalty to you. A good rule of thumb to follow is that if it only concerns the two of you know one else should know.
• Keep an open mind. Many times conflict with extended family members can arise out of difference in backgrounds, traditions and just doing things differently. By keeping an open mind with your extended family you are showing them that having a positive relationship with them is more important than doing things your way. Just ask yourself-Is it really that important when they put up their Christmas tree, season their turkey with or where they choose to go on vacation? Each spouse in a marriage must realize that no matter how compatible they are as a couple they each still came from two totally different families. Keeping an open mind can also mean adding richness and added dimension to your life as you see and experience new holidays, traditions and ways of doing things.
• Never discuss finances with your extended family. Money is one of the top reasons that many couples end up divorcing and then adding the extended family dynamic into the problem can only make it worse. If you are having money problems consider discussing them with a financial planner, accountant or other objective financial professional. Many times these financial professionals offer free or discounted planning sessions for couples having financial difficulties. It is always best to keep financial problems within the privacy of marriage if at all possible. To often well-meaning extended family members offer to help financially (in one way or another) which often creates new conflict in a marriage already beset with financial problems.
• Be a duck! This old saying carries a lot of wisdom. As the water flows off the duck's back you may decide to let the well-meaning advice of extended family members flow off of your back. When confronted with a piece of advice, story or even a gift that you know you will never use simply smile, say thank you and go on your way. Constantly offering reasons as to why you are not doing, saying or going somewhere your extended family member wants you to will only cause conflict and resentment. While you should always be polite standing firm in principles and ideals is always the best way to go.
• Forgive, forgive and then forgive some more. Remembering how important forgiveness is in every relationship is crucial. It is important to understand that things will be said and done that may be hurtful. Yet most negative family interaction is unintentional. Be willing to forgive that slight or negative remark and simply move on. Having expectations of a perfect relationship with your extended family can only result in disappointment. Realize that these family members are human and extend the branch of forgiveness in order to foster a better relationship. You will be glad that you did.

• Do not be afraid to cut out the unhealthy. While forgiveness is important it also needs to be said that if a relationship with extended family is having an unhealthy bearing on a marriage than the couple may need to take steps to cut that person(s) out of their life. If an overly interfering or critical in-law is causing stress and strife in your marriage than you may need to limit or cut off contact with that individual. In addition issues such as alcoholism, drug abuse or other addictions can cause unhealthy relationships with extended family members. If this is the case and the family member will not seek help than the couple may be better off cutting off contact with that extended family member until they are healthier. While no one is advocating cutting off family entirely the health of the marriage must be considered at all times. Agree to an extended family time-out. There may be times in your marriage when you and your spouse need to call a "family time-out". If you find extended family members have become to much of a presence in your marriage you and your mate should decide for a period of time to limit your interaction with your extended families. This does not need to be a lengthy period of time (even a couple of days) is fine. You may then find yourself refreshed and ready to take on complex extended family dynamics.
• Stand together as a couple. This is the bottom line in all marriages. Loyalty to your spouse should come above all. If you are feeling besieged by extended family members advice, interference or just even their constant presence in your life than it is important to stand together as a couple. Remember that your marriage is the most important thing here. Do not resort to the tactic of throwing your spouse "under the bus" to relieve a difficult confrontation. Marriage experts cannot stress enough how important it is to talk positively about your spouse, show affection and let your extended family members on both sides of the family see how important that person is to you.