I turned 35 this year. My capacity for bullshit is waning as the years are stacking up. That said, I've seen many "friends" come and go. The biggest lesson I've learned in my 30's is the difference between "being friends" and being "friendly."

That said, I stilI love friends - all kinds. I need the ones who knew me at my pre-wedding/pre-kids weight. Plus, old friends know my drink order in case they get to the restaurant before I do (Bellini, or an extra spicy Bloody Mary, Absolut Peppar, three olives). Also, my old friends are the only ones who forgive the fact that my mouth tends to work faster than my brain. Sometimes, they even find it amusing.

But I also need the "new" friend variety. I like having new girlfriends around because I can edit my personal history a bit. Do I really need to share that I once threw up in my parents driveway, courtesy of Southern Comfort? Must I qualify my sexual partner tally, lifetime-to-date, or re-live past romantic blunders? ("Remember that time when you married that not-so-smart guy? What an idiot!")

I like having some friends around who have only known me in the current (and I feel, best) chapter of my personal social evolution. Decent BMI, emotionally stable, loving mom of 3. Past lives be damned.

Anyway, I've found that making friends with other women as you get older is a tricky business. Having kids certainly makes it harder. Having husbands makes it damn near impossible. If you think your husband and your friend's husband will hit it off, you best be praying they either work in the same industry, or cheer for the same sports team. Anyone else familiar with the fun social experiment known as "couples night out"? Yeah, I thought so.

I'm a good friend. I'm a good gifter. I observe birthdays, anniversaries, and life events. I pick up the check pretty frequently. I send cards in the mail for no reason. My friend's moms, sisters, and husbands love me, but only for the right reasons (thinking of sleeping with a friend's husband is about as appealing to me as kissing my own brother. I just could never, ever do it.) All in all, I think I am a pretty good catch as a friend. This being the case, I've devised a little list of "Friendship Pre Requisites" for anyone still interested in being my new friend.

I didn't set out to do any profiling, per se, but I have noticed that in my quest to broaden my social circle, there are certain criteria that will automatically disqualify you from my friend pool.

Interested applicants, please read on.

20. Don't be a shitty tipper. I waited tables for years, and I have a soft spot in my heart for this hardworking faction of society. If you can sit there and order three Lemon Drop martinis at $9.75 a pop, and then you get cheap when it comes time to slap down more than $2 for a tip, find yourself another barstool.

19. Don't be a "Debbie Downer." In the beginning of a new friendship, kind of try to keep it light. Don't whine for 45 minutes about how depressed you are because you can't lose those last 10 pounds of baby weight. We all have our own crap to deal with, so keep the conversations light till we know each other a little better.

18. If you have a little boy, don't give him a bowl cut. Just don't.

17. Don't pretend to live a perfect life. Life isn't perfect. If you're pretending yours is, we can't be friends. Husbands stray, kids fail classes, Botox becomes more of a necessity than a luxury. Just don't try to cover everything up to your friends.

16. When someone compliments you on something, don't say you can't remember where you got it, or that it was a gift. Liar. I have never understood why people do this!

15. Don't preface your child's name with "my," "little," or "my little" in conversation. "My little Tatum is taking tap!" Gag.

14. Don't be the overbearing Little League parent. Chances are your kid is NOT going to be the next Hank Aaron, so stop damaging his self-esteem with your own ridiculous insecurity at every practice and game.

13. Don't - for any reason - put full make-up on a girl under the age of 12. Likewise, don't have your 8 year old boy recite the Periodic Table from memory at your block party BBQ. The reasons why should be obvious.

12. Don't forward anything to my in-box. Even if you "never forward these things!" or you "just couldn't risk breaking the chain, because who knows?!" I mean it. Don't.

11. Don't be a flake. My time is as valuable as yours, and my bullshit detector is fine-tuned. I will go through your kids to find out if you lied about cancelling our play date. Don't test me.

10. Don't correct my kids unless you have been given permission to do so. Even then, tread lightly.

9. Don't text/chat/answer your cell phone when we're hanging out in person. It is so rude - it's like saying "Thanks for taking the time out of your schedule to meet in person, but this person texting me is more important at the moment. Hang on."

8. Don't have a conversation with your kids while we're talking on the phone. Owen needs your help on a science project? Fine. That means you have to go.  I only issue 2 "hang on a sec" tokens per phone conversation before I pretend to be disconnected if you're pre-occupied.

7. Don't be a crappy gifter. Would you like to receive that Las Vegas mouse pad as a gift? No? Then bake a batch of cookies, throw them in a cello bag, and tie a bow on it. You're done. Much more thoughtful.

6. Don't recruit me for your church, your home based business, or any other thing I will have to politely decine.

5. Don't be one of those overbearing health nut parents, who count every gram of sugar that passes your kid's lips. "I'd rather Bailey just drink water, thanks. We're watching sugar intake, and trying to only do organic." Well, aren't you a fun parent? Should I now feel bad for giving my own kid a Ding Dong and Hi-C for breakfast?  Because I don't.

4. No Single White Female behavior. If you start dressing like me, texting me 10 times a day, and "running into" me at all of my neighborhood hangouts, I am going to get suspicious.

3. Know that sex, politics, and religion are always on the discussion table. We don't have to agree, but we have to be able to respect each other's differences. If we can't, that's a sign that someone is taking themself way too seriously.

2. Don't sleep with my husband.

1. Obey the Golden Rule. :-)