Fair play vs. Winning in Youth Sports

Fair play vs winning

I have been coaching for many years at many different levels, including High School, Club and AYSO U10. I also play in a Co-Ed league, an adult Futsal League and on mens' soccer teams. I never understand at what point children are taught that winning is more important than being a good sport.

I have noticed an increase of players becoming more aggressive, less respectful and flat out dirty or trying to hurt other players and showing no respect for the game they are playing or those they are playing against. Then I look at the coaches and figure out that not only are they allowing it, but are actually encouraging it. We are the role models for these young men, and we encourage actions that would never be allowed in a work place or at school. So why do coaches tolerate it? Why do they encourage it and why is it ok to play club soccer when a kid can't keep his grades up and would not be eligible to play a school sport?

I have known coaches who, when there team is out-skilled, the saying is "play aggressive" and "try to intimidate the other team." I recently was told by a player that he overheard a coach tell his players that if they don't win the ball to make sure they hit and hurt the player they are closest too-essentially saying, we may not win but we will make sure they remember us. What is this teaching our kids? I know one of the reasons I played sports as a kid was so I would stay out of trouble. Yes, I did stay out of trouble, but I was never allowed to play if my grades slipped. I was never allowed to talk back to a ref or an adult or coach for that matter--let alone dispute a call. I see players as young as 9 years old arguing with the ref, and the coach is encouraging it.

I have coached a U14 boys' team when after the game, the players from the team we played against got into cars and drove themselves home. Sure they won the game, but they cheated by allowing older players, and so the ultimate lesson they were taught was to win no matter what and this behavior was even encouraged by the coach they looked up too.

As a coach, I have had to deal with parents trying to tell me where their player plays, or that their player is better than other players on the team and thus should get more playing time. Some parents even pay their players not to pass the ball, to score goals or even to get a yellow card.

As a player I would say I tend to be kind of a dirty player, and I have done some things I am not at all proud of. All of them I have done as an adult, and none of them ever with intent to hurt anyone--mostly just talking and being an instigator. Most of the time though I love when I am playing, and always do talk to the players I am playing against by asking their names and introducing myself. Some have said they think that is being too cocky and sometimes the other players do not think I am being a good sport, though the one rule that I play by, and also insist my players on the teams I coach play by, is that I expect you to play hard. Sometimes in playing hard you may get a foul called and may be warned, but never play dirty and no matter how hard you have played, always shake the hands of the players you played against out of respect. You never know when you will see them again at a tryout or maybe even in the future when you play on the same team.

I know that there are many coaches out there that play by these same rules and they are always enjoyable to play against-- win or lose the players all play hard and there are fouls; sometime tempers flare and if the coaches allowed it or encouraged it, a fight or bench clearing brawl could occur, like you too often see on ESPN's Sports Center. During these games the coaches will not tolerate it to happen. The players on these teams are aware that the league may only suspend them for one game, maybe two, but that alone is not enough of a deterrent if the coach welcomes the player back and even congratulates him on his actions.

When I step onto a field to coach or play, I doubt that there is anyone out there who wants to win more than I do. I also must win fair, and by the rules. I always want to win on a perfect goal but will take even an "own" goal. A win is a win, but the bottom line is that winning that game is not the objective of my coaching. My objective is that when the players I coach grow up and have good relationships with their kids, treat women right, obey the law and respect their bosses and parents. When they become a good person in society that is when they truly win, and very few of them will ever remember that one game they won or lost on a hot Saturday afternoon, on a field with a bad ref and a team that had players that were much older and bigger. They will remember how you, the coach, handled it and which In-and-Out Burger you stopped at on the way home.