Fairy Tale Relationship

Do you expect your partner to be your Prince Charming and when the fairy tale falls short, you feel as if you've been cheated out of an happily ever after? You might have the Fairy Tale Syndrome!

According to a 2004 report by BBC News, the secret of a long and happy marriage appears to be not expecting too much from it. It further advised newlyweds to lower hopes. This might come as a newsflash for a lot of us. But before you cry indignantly, "I'll not settle for mediocrity!" perhaps it's also high time to take a reality check on your expectations.

Expecting the Best

We are brought up in a culture where it's encouraged to have high expectations on ourselves. The expectations eventually run into romantic relationships as well and the grand romantic gestures portrayed in movies of our time don't help one bit. Being swept off our feet by Prince Charming while riding towards the horizon with our happily ever after in store is something that women have been fed with since they were little girls. It's fine to desire good things in life and it's healthy to have expectations but where do we draw the line? Do women have too high expectations on their partners and vice versa?

In the Eye of the Beholder

It's important to figure out exactly what 'reasonable' means in terms of expectations of yourself and others. If your expectations are too low, you'll feel cheated in life - or worse - that you are 'settling'. On the other hand, if your expectations are too high, then reality will suffer from comparisons to expectation - and you may experience disappointment and other anger reactions.

Your Ideal Soul mate, your need to be loved a certain way is not a healthy need; it is only an unrealistic expectation. Another disappointing fact about expectation is that they often don't come true. Expectations are in the eye of the beholder. Can you see the problem?

Drawing the Line

Expectations are transmitted directly by what we hear and indirectly by what we see. A new relationship brings expectations and will develop problems when those expectations are unreasonable. Our desire for security and perfection breeds the most unrealistic expectations, which we then wait, in vain, to be fulfilled by our partners. Of course, they won't, and the first stirrings of dissatisfaction begin. Conflicts caused by unexpressed and unfulfilled expectations are very common and can lead to great disappointment and frustration. It is a good habit to stop for a moment when you're disappointed, ask yourself what you expect and compare it to what you actually received. The difference in fulfilment and expectation will reveal the gap in perception between the two of you. Noting the degree of discrepancy, which may be unconsciously affecting your relationship, will help you to adjust future expectations. Always try to be reasonable in what you expect - that way you will sometimes get a pleasant surprise, rather than being unreasonable and disappointed!

Communication is Key

Partners cannot read minds so be clear about what you expected; otherwise you'll both have trouble working as a team. You have to share your perspectives with each other, which mean being totally honest and discussing innermost feelings, hopes, strengths and weaknesses long before marrying or setting up home. Our partners cannot fulfil all our needs and so personal expectations cannot be too selfish or unreal.

In order to have a good relationship, the positives must outweigh the negatives by a large percentage. If negativity is creeping into your relationship, it also crowds out the positive. It is like water seeping through walls, eventually weakening the structure.

People usually feel motivated around others, who are positive and energetic, as well as those who help them feel good about themselves. However, pushing aside or neglecting to address real problems is not the answer either so you must be clear about what you are really dealing with. If you find yourself increasingly nitpicking, criticising, or withdrawing, you need to stop and really reflect for a while on the effects of those actions, which could be counter-productive. Instead, strive to communicate effectively, to praise more and to practise balanced negotiation to get what you hope for.

Prince Just-Good-Enough

Has it ever occur to you that Prince Charming doesn't exist and the next wisest thing to do is to change the way you view certain expectations? Here's a thought: If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.

Larry James, the writer of The Truth about Relationship

Expectations, suggests to consider a new point of view and changing our thinking about expectations. This way, we open ourselves to a whole other world. Once we learn to identify our own individual healthy needs, we must also learn not to be attached to the expectation of how those needs get fulfilled. This will always generate lots of surprises. Some of the surprises may show up as challenges for the relationship. They bring couples together and give them something to share. When two people really love each other and are committed to work together, those kind of surprises create the kind of conversation that empower both love partners to continue to self-inquire, to investigate their curiosities about what they can do to stand together, to be challenged by the surprise and know that everything is going to be okay. Problems are not to break us. Working together on problems makes us strong. And yes, no one says it would be easy but the rewards are worth every ounce of the effort!

Whats and Needs

Do You Have Realistic Expectations, 'When making a big financial commitment, such as a new-home investment or a car purchase, you usually precede the purchase with separate wish and must-have lists. The must-haves should be characteristics that you just cannot compromise upon. Long-lasting relationships are really riot that different. Discriminate between your wants and needs to determine those attributes that you just cannot live without. If your potential partner embodies any extra features from the wish list, then it's gravy on the mashers. Wish listers will just sweeten the deal, similar to an extra bathroom or automatic seat warmers.' It does make a lot of sense, doesn't it?

Unrealistic expectations ultimately make your romantic agenda disappointing and limiting. Successful relationships require daily concessions, so mull over what you consider to be mistakes or deal breakers and reconsider your needs. You just may find that with a proactive but patient approach and a flexible tally of prerequisites, you can increase your chances of finding your perfect match.

If you are out there seeking and holding onto the notion that Prince Charming is just around the corner, you might want to think again. It's not right to settle but perhaps having a down to earth expectation checklist is the way to go.

The Key 5 Steps to

Adjusting Your Expectations

Step 1: Decide what is reasonable

Think about this when you are calm and cool. Many things that seem 'reasonable' when you are worked up might seem ridiculous and petty later.

Step 2: Eliminate the word 'should'

Instead of thinking he 'should', state needs from your own perspective, i.e., "I'd prefer if ... “instead of "They should ...”

Step 3: Recognise limitations

People often behave badly towards us because of their limitations or problems, not because they are purposefully trying to make us miserable.

Step 4: Be tolerant of other views

Rather than convincing yourself that others are 'wrong', tell yourself they simply see things differently than you do.

Step 5: Explore ways to get needs met

We often get angry with others because our basic needs are not being met. Rather than getting angry, we should:

a. Honestly communicate unsatisfied needs to others.

b. Explore alternative ways· to satisfy our needs. Take responsibility for our own needs and find workable and acceptable ways of satisfying them.