This is the log kept by an English Buddhist priest during the 100-day fast he undertook as part of his priest training in Japan. The text in square brackets was written after the log was completed.

Day 1. Wednesday 1st October 

All ready in Kay Gyo dojo, it is basic but nice. The dojo is a concrete building, about five metres square, built into the side of the mountain, surrounded by jungle. A small rough concrete path leads to a small mountain road that continues up to the main temple. Inside there are straw mats, cold water, one electric light, and this will be my home for the next three months. Visited the main temple for instructions and the rules of the Gyo. I feel excited but sick, this is purely nervous tension ... can I actually do this? Started painting my Kongokai Mandala. I am thinking and have a vague impression of what the Kongokai Mandala should look like. The Kongokai Mandala originates from the Diamond Mandala. I have no idea what this looks like. It is a process where I must open myself up to the experience without any preconceived ideas, quite how or what I am supposed to do I have no idea. I am European, not Japanese, and I have little experience of Buddhist art and its representations. Still, I suppose I must trust the process.

Very busy getting room ready and preparing paints and tools for painting. I have a small stove for heating water, a shower is cold water outside in a small shed. It is disgusting and full of crawling life forms that I never knew existed! The toilet, and I use that term because that is what you do there, is a hole in the concrete. Going to the toilet endangers one's private parts to the persistent attack of thousands of mosquitoes and biting flies!

[I thought I would be clever and try to solve this problem. When I was in the Army we used to pour oil into these holes to smother the larvae and mosquitoes, but I had no oil. I remember watching a film of soldiers in Vietnam burning faeces. I could not stand the smell so I decided to do the same. I lit some paper to drop into the toilet but I forgot my basic science. There was a sudden bang as the methane exploded and I had my first christening! Humbled by this experience I was angry with myself for forgetting such an obvious thing - I had become soft and it was a rude awakening.]

Omoyou tastes of nothing, but salt plums are nice.

[Omoyou is the water that is left behind after the rice has been cooked and taken away. There is a method to eating omoyou. It is actually an act of worship, but I had not quite reached that state of awareness. To me it was like having wallpaper paste in your mouth. The method involves fluffing it up by sucking air through your teeth as if you were tasting wine. The problem is that this means that you swallow a lot of air, a practice that was to cause me severe discomfort in time.]

This first night is filled with the strange sounds of animals rustling and the constant hum and chirruping of insects and crickets. I can't believe how bloody noisy it is!

Day 2. Thursday 2^nd October

Up at 4.30 a.m. for meditation and prayers. Very humid, hot and sticky. Feeling just a little hungry. Green tea for breakfast. Meditated for four hours. Started to experience severe pain which was not hunger but trapped wind and diarrhoea from omoyou.

Started to paint the Mandala. Spent eighteen hours painting. Whilst painting, my mind started to fill with pictures of the universe and images that were like surreal forms. Maybe the 200-mile walk I did prior to my Gyo took far more out of me than I realised. Feel a bit light-headed but not uncomfortable. Where do we exist in time and space? Perhaps this journey is going to show me my understanding of my "I" in answering the question "Who am I?" But there seems to be a parallel question - "Where am I?"

Day 3. Friday 3^rd October

My Sensei came to me today asking me to write my history for "Focus" magazine. I have no idea why he wants me to do this. I am slightly apprehensive about my Gyo and my spiritual test being used for publicity purposes. I must speak to him about this. Morning meditation completed. This a.m. feeling OK so far - omoyou is starting to become hard to eat, it is disgusting! This p.m. very bad diarrhoea and stomach cramps with unbelievable pain. Ritzy, another priest, went slightly crazy and we had words. The energy of the temple is very odd today. I cannot quite understand what is going on. I am frustrated by my inability to speak Japanese.

I continue to paint the Mandala. It is starting to look very nice and I often feel as though I am drawn into it. I painted Fudomyoo today, he looks OK. Fudomyoo is a fire deity. I did not paint him as a demonic being for I cannot see him like that. I feel that he exists in all of us and can appear in any shape we visualise. He protects us from evil and removes desire. He also looks into our souls. I like this energy. I do not fear him but welcome his teachings. I find him very gentle and understanding, almost like a father energy. I recognise his power and his strength, and hopefully I will never have to be on the receiving side of his anger. I find it strange that I am attributing human values and feelings to a non-human archetypal energy.

Painting the Mandala has caused me to think deeply about the universe, its creation and our role in it. I feel completely connected to the cosmos. I feel its love as it tugs at the strings of my ignorance. The light of understanding is starting to glow brighter in my consciousness. I have a feeling of excitement and anticipation; it is hard to explain but it is like the feeling you have on your first date! It truly is a beautiful universe and cosmos, we are so self-limited by our own minds. We are and can be what we think, and if there is a secret to the universe, it is love!

The physical side of things is painful and uncomfortable. The diarrhoea is odd. You cannot even pass wind without having problems. Medically speaking it is as though bowel control has gone because of the lack of fibre. So the normal systems of control such as pressure and volume do not work. I have decided to "self-toilet" every four hours until things settle down. You get tremendous wind from eating omoyou. You have to chew it 100 times and it volumes out like an egg white. It tastes terrible and I have to really struggle to eat it. Rice is not a normal part of my diet and I really do not like it. This is a point that must be remembered for this Gyo in future in England.

I feel very alone and vulnerable but I know I am surrounded by love.

© J K Adler-Collins 2008