This is a continuation of the log of an Englishman who became a Buddist priest in Japan. As part of his initiation process he fasted on a mountainside for 100 days.

Day 52. Friday 21^st November

Ah Je Kan starts. Very hard day - this is tough and painful. I have yet to figure out why pain brings enlightenment!

Day 53. Saturday 22^nd November

Ah Je Kan day two. Saw beautiful colours.

Day 54. Sunday 23^rd November

Ah Je Kan day three. Zen position hurts like ****!!! What I have used before is like the handle of a door - when the door is open why keep looking at the handle? I am "seeing" some beautiful things now.

Day 55. Monday 24^th November

Ah Je Kan day four. Very hard. Pain in knees is unbelievable. Letter from Shintoku-san via "secret route". Renshin-san is still being bullied. It is terrible to see the way she is treated. I have no idea what the future holds, I must just trust this process. Events will no doubt unfold as Gyo continues.

These next thoughts may not make much sense or have any relevance, but I feel as though I am coming up against my shadow, the very dark side of me where all the hate and pain is stored. It is all right being a "light being" but we are light. We need to claim our shadow and change the dark places within us to light. This will be a battle. I understand now that the Ah Je Kan is not just about great visions but about understanding self. I am a little nervous but I feel I have the strength to do this. I have little real option, and as my mind slips into my subconscious I remember all the video nasties, war, death, cruelty, rape, murder and torture. It is so hard, it's like everything is going insane. All I can hold on to is the light in my soul, no one can extinguish it, it belongs to the universal God and is blessed and protected by him. It's still a bloody miserable time now, and it's going to get harder, but it's what I expected and I'm ready to fight.

Day 56. Tuesday 25^th November

Ah Je Kan continues. Very strong wind - a typhoon - today. Very exciting!

Day 57. Wednesday 26^th November

Not much sleep. Wind and storm abating now, clear this afternoon and evening. Gyo continues, still no food.

Day 58. Thursday 27^th November

Ah Je Kan day seven, one week finished, two to go! I feel strong and OK but my abdomen hurts quite a lot. It is a lot like having colitis but no wind or diarrhoea. Bowels have not moved in the last 2-3 weeks but I have had no proper food for 58 days. Ah Je Kan Zen continues and is very tough. Knees hurt a lot. Emotionally, feeling stronger than in the past few days. Another day finished. It is strange they feel so long but at the same time so short! Perhaps time is an illusion.

Day 59. Friday 28^th November

Ah Je Kan day eight. Cold, wet and raining, strong wind again. Slept well, stomach and abdomen pains have finished. Bowel movement, green slime passed, not nice!

Day 60. Saturday 29^th November

Ah Je Kan day nine. Huge storm in the night. Gyo continues, I can now do lotus position for several hours. Progress at last!

Day 61. Sunday 30^th November

Ah Je Kan day ten. Dull, cold, wet. Zen continues. Painting my stick next.

Day 62. Monday 1^st December

Ah Je Kan day eleven. Starting to get very cold now. Five degrees last night, and we are not allowed heating! Only ten more days. Strange dream about India - the strange thing is that I woke up several times and the dream continued! It was about the future of sorts. Maybe we have many futures and they keep rewriting themselves, a bit like an interactive video.

Day 63. Tuesday 2^nd December

Cold now OK in my dojo. It is very hard to do Zen with just summer robes and a glass of cold water. Stupid! Really tired, fed up and miserable!

Day 64. Wednesday 3^rd December

Ah Je Kan continues. Very cold. Snow and hailstorm last night, temperature minus two, but warmer this morning at zero degrees. I cannot understand why I must do Zen in summer clothes. It seems really crazy. A lot of energy is spent in trying to regulate heat, and this detracts from the meditation. The omoyou arrives later each day. Today it came after 1430 hours. It is always when Sensei is in the temple that we do not get omoyou regularly. I am shocked at the management of this Gyo, it is actually very dangerous. I have not eaten for the Ah Je Kan Gyo, so when it finishes next week I will have done nearly 65 days without food and no checks.

Day 65. Thursday 4^th December

Ah Je Kan day 14. Very cold still. I think that I am just going to have to get used to it. It is very hard to keep warm on no food or fat. Still, two weeks over now, just seven days to go of Ah Je Kan. It has been very hard on all levels doing this Gyo, sometimes for up to twenty hours a day. I do not want to have to do this again for a long time. I think my emotional and mental state must be suffering slightly because I am not enjoying this Gyo as much as I should be. I think that it is because of the troubles in the temple. I cannot seem to relax and trust the whole process. I feel myself changing - sometimes I move forwards and understand it all, then I slip back again into human thinking and negative thoughts. Maybe this is part of the process of the understanding of self. Be content with what is, allow all, observe, and love everything for its purpose.

Day 66. Friday 5^th December

Ah Je Kan day 15. Very weird experience in meditation yesterday evening. I was not even trying to meditate, just thinking, when a light like the moon appeared at the left of my vision. I have seen this light before, and paid no particular attention to it, but this time it moved to the centre of my vision and, boy oh boy, what a rush of strange feelings. My body felt as though it was in a huge field of electricity and I tingled and "buzzed" from head to foot. My body started to rise and became weightless in space. A fantastic, happy experience. I came round suddenly and checked my clock. One hour and ten minutes had passed in what seemed like seconds. Absolutely fantastic!

Today is very warm and beautiful. Sky is a deep blue, short lines of light, blue and silver. Good to be alive. Sensei gone until 15-16 December. Strange that he does not check to see if I am OK?

© J K Adler-Collins 2008