Feeling Stuck in a Relationship
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I received this relationship advice request via email, from Bill, who titled his email “Feeling Stuck in a Relationship."
"Your posts have been very helpful to me when thinking about my relationship at the moment, particularly the posts concerning not wanting to get married. I am in a similar situation myself.
Me and my partner are both 27 and have been together for the last six years.
We've been through so much together over that period of time and she is someone i care about deeply.
Over the pat two years she has endlessly talked about getting married and every time she mentions it I squirm. She constantly talks to her mother about it and her family and friends despite my obvious discomfort and has now given me an ultimatum; she want's to have a ring on her finger by the time she is 28 (so basically i have 10 months left to propose).
I just feel so guilty because I really don't want to be married to her and honestly feel that we want different things in our lives now. We are quite different people compared to when we first met in university and I feel that if I proposed I would be 'giving in to her' so to speak. The guilt I feel because of this is unbearable.
I have considered breaking up with her a few times, but I always change my mind and stay with her, mostly because I don't want to hurt her and also because I am utterly terrified of making the wrong decision. We are 'comfortable' together and she can be a truly great girlfriend at times. My parents love her (and her parents like me) but she can also be nagging, boring, sulky and can make me feel like a child. It's such a complicated relationship because we need each other in a way, but I don't think either of us are as happy as we could be.
Before I met her I was quite inexperienced and only had one previous girlfriend. My partner has had quite a lot of lovers and ex's and this hasn't really been a problem until recently. I have never cheated on her but I find myself longing to be free and single. The main reason I feel like this I suppose is that I now have a good job and plenty of great colleagues so I have more opportunities and options in my life.
I know this it totally unfair to string her along like this but I truly thought that I would grow used to the idea of marriage and settling down when we moved in together. I certainly didn't want or intend this to be the way it is.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I honestly have no idea what to do. WIll breaking it off and losing her be the worst thing I've ever done or is it the right thing to do?
Bill"
My answer:
Bill,
I’ve published a few articles in the same arena as your situation.
The girl wants to get married, the guy doesn’t. But that is where the similarities end. Each relationship is different, and brings with it an entirely specific set of circumstances. Each article is so vastly different from the others because the situations are so very different. I just published a Hub called Boyfriend says Not Now to marrying GF with BPD and the circumstances could not be more different.
Bill, you need to give yourself permission to end this relationship.
You’re 27, you’re at a very significant age. You’re in the Rites of Passage time, and your frontal lobes (Aren’t you sick of my bringing that up) are fully developed, which is why the pressure to make the right decision weighs upon you now. You understand consequence for the first time, and that includes the fears you expressed about this being a bad decision.
You’re being very clear and articulate. You squirm when she brings up marriage. You said, “I just feel so guilty because I really don't want to be married to her and honestly feel that we want different things in our lives now. “ I promise you, guilt is a horrible reason to marry, especially when you know and state so clearly that you do not want to be married TO HER.
Manipulation
It is a manipulative move on her part to discuss this with her family and friends knowing how uncomfortable it makes you. This is a very clear sign of the kind of manipulative and self-involved partner she will be. She doesn’t respect your feelings, and she doesn’t listen.
Now you say she’s given you an ultimatum. Well, good. Then you should take it and go. Why would you even entertain for a moment being treated like that for the next 50 years of your life?
Experience
You are one smart cookie to realize that you have not sewn your wild oats. You said you long to lead a single life. Honey, that feeling is going to get more and more intense as time goes on. There is no way in hell you can marry someone that you don’t want to marry, and expect it to work. This only confirms that. If you surrender your freedom now those feelings of longing will grow massive.
There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to experience things. With wanting to meet different people, and fall in love, and date, and see what is out there for you. Quite the opposite – there is something infinitely wrong with denying that very natural and healthy growth process. Such denial will absolutely end with affairs, mid life crisises, and being completely miserable and buried by decisions you were no where near ready to make.
Wrong reasons to stay.
Bill, your ability to articulate what you’re feeling is amazing. Many men in your situation and at your age can’t do so. This paragraph of yours is absolutely stellar:
“I have considered breaking up with her a few times, but I always change my mind and stay with her, mostly because I don't want to hurt her and also because I am utterly terrified of making the wrong decision. We are 'comfortable' together and she can be a truly great girlfriend at times. My parents love her (and her parents like me) but she can also be nagging, boring, sulky and can make me feel like a child. It's such a complicated relationship because we need each other in a way, but I don't think either of us are as happy as we could be.”
You have to know that staying with her because you don’t want to hurt her is not fair to either of you. By the way, she doesn’t seem too hesitant about hurting you or at least making you very uncomfortable by giving ultimatums, and by discussing your private situation with friends and family to force you to do something you’re not ready to do.
Your parents and her parents can’t be part of this. I’m sorry hon, but put them out of your head. You’re the one that would have to live with the mistake or a marriage to someone you don’t want to marry. You have to think about it that way only.
Your being terrified of making a bad decision is right on schedule with your age. Now more than ever before in your life, you understand ramification and consequence. But don’t confuse that new awarity, with the outcome of this decision. You’re terrified of making the wrong decision. You are not however, terrified of losing of her.
It is a sad thing that you said she can be a great girlfriend “at times.” And that you are comfortable. You deserve more than comfortable, and more than “at times.” You have to allow yourself to know that. New doors can’t open for you until old ones close.
It is so highly important that you said she makes you feel like a child. Her nagging, and sulking are really going to magnify after marriage.
If you have any respect and care for her at all, you should want her to have the opportunity to be with someone who wants to marry her. You aren’t doing her any favors staying with her, not wanting to marry her, and feeling all the ways you feel.
You know what you need to do. Give yourself permission to do it.
This article
Was written by Veronica for Hubpages. If you are reading it elsewhere, it has been stolen.
Let's be authentic.
All text is original content by Veronica.
All photos are used with permission.
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Feel free to ask my relationship advice. Thanks!
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Hi Bill,
When someone writes in for advice they reveal so much that they aren't aware they are saying. The words they choose, the order of things they reveal, the things they defend... it's all very telling if you just really listen. Your words were very clear.
I know this is scary, but she forced your hand with the ultimatum. You're not going to regret this. I understand what you're saying, but I promise you "comfortable" and "at times great" is not something you'll regret losing. You should only consider marrying someone because you love her, you want to marry her, you can't imagine a day of your life waking up without her. You'll see.
Best to you.
Reading this post makes me think of how my boyfriend must feel a lot of times when I try to force himm to do things he does not want to. I haven't give him an ultimatum to marry me but in several ways I have nag him about it and he has been stressing a lot about the subject. To the point that when we talk about it he starts choosing his words carefully. The article Veronica wrote about my question and this article are veyr helpful not only for the nagging gf but also for the suffering bf...sometimes it is possible to finnd a balance if partners still love each other...but I think there is a point when one of them will walk away because she/her has run out of excuses to stay in the relationship...
NJC, your situation is really alot different from Bill's, but I think it's great that you're trying so hard to see things form your boyfriends perspective. That, my dear, is the sign of a true partner.
great commentary about what is truly kind and fair. I tend to be able to flee relationships pretty well. it's the non-relationships I tend to get stuck in.
great hub.
Yayyy I did something good! Yes, my situation is quiet different than Bill's. but this article was certainly helpful to see the other side of the coin :)
I identified so much with this post. After my first marriage broke up, I got involved with a lovely man. We had nothing in common but he was so sweet and loving I let myself be sucked into a relationship - then found I couldn't get out. Not because I knew he was my soulmate, but because I couldn't bear to hurt such a nice guy by leaving. It took me ten years to pluck up the guts to end it, and now I feel guilty for not doing it sooner - because I prevented him from getting out there and finding his soulmate.
WOW Marisa. Thanks for sharing that.
Wow...
Happy endings, Veronica - you may recall I'm now happily married. It was spooky how it happened - after 10 years I found myself in a weird situation that kind of forced my hand, and I decided to move out. From that moment on, everything in my life clicked like a jigsaw falling into place: I found a share apartment in a day, was offered a new job, and met my new man within a month. I'm not into superstition but I still feel there was something spookily fated about the whole thing...
This post really speaks to me even if my situation isn't as serious. I've been in a relationship with my man for almost 2 years and for the last 6 months I've been wanting to get out. I've tried breaking up with him twice now and we just get back together because it's comfortable. And it just seems like every time I bring something up about this he doesn't see it coming at all and that makes me feel really guilty because I'm blind-siding him. Also, whenever these thoughts start popping up again I always lose control of my emotions and then have no one to turn to because I don't have many close friends and those I do have are too busy to fit me in their schedule. And then of course I go to him for comfort. I'm going to work on this. I'm young (just starting college) but I am more mature than others my age and I know this isn't going to last forever. He feels that we're soul mates, and I did at first; but now I've found that we just have too many differences.
Veronica,
First and foremost thank you for writing. I have been up all night searching for answers and your words of wisdom really shined a bright light on my issue. The question posed in this article is EXACTLY what I am going through except for the fact that I proposed.
We are both 27. We've been together nearly 5 years. We have gone through SO MUCH together. I was in the military so she waited for me faithfully while I was deployed to Iraq. She stuck with me through my my hardships with school, failed real estate ventures, debt, and all my personal struggles. Heck I even proposed to her because I just felt like it was the next step but it just never felt right. I always just thought to myself, "well my heart is always wrong and I need to stop being stupid because this girl is amazing and great to me."
But right now as I speak I am so unhappy. I even moved away from her but somehow I just feel like I can't break things off because just like the reader, I don't want to feel like I ruined her life or I am going to make a decision I will regret.
To me it never made sense why I would want to break up with her - she's a girl that LOVES sports, she is there at my every beck and call, and she just loves me so unconditionally which makes me feel so flattered.... but I am realizing as perfect of a girl that she is, she is not perfect FOR me. And the words that you wrote here are exposing the reasons why. She gives me ultimatums. She keeps telling me she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I will regret it for the rest of my life which makes me feel inadequate. She gives me guilt that I made promises to her and her family and that now I am acting like a coward. She doesn't communicate her feelings well. She keeps pushing the wedding on me even though that is something I don't want right now (I know I proposed). I am so overwhelmed with other pressures and I communicate this to her but yet she applies more pressure without knowing it.
Is this because she is a successful only-child? Sometimes I feel like if we just get the wedding over with, we can get back to where we were when we first started dating with no problems. She has been dreaming of this big, white wedding since she was a little girl so is this why she is acting so irrational, emotional, and different? Or is this really exposing her true colors?
This is absolutely the hardest decision I ever made in my life. She really is my best friend, but I think I have to break it off with her after really considering your advices. I don't think a man can be pressured into this. It has to be a strong self-conscientious decision on my part to want to have a wedding. If I stay with her, I feel like a bi-polar mess keep going back and forth in my head thinking "is this really the one?" When I would have doubts, they would be quickly cleared with a sexual activity or her showering me with gifts.... but unfortunately thoese doubts ALWAYS come back! Is it because my aura is geared for unhappiness or not being able to handle good things? I am a mess but I can't put her through this because it is unfair for her. She needs someone that WANTS to marry her and will love her the same way she loves back.
But she says, "but I don't want anyone else." And that adds more guilt and pressure on me. :(
We tried counselling, talking to friends and family and everything else. But one thing I realize from this whole ordeal is you can never deny your heart. Leading your heart is SO hard to do as well.
Veronica I hope you really read this because I really admire your writings. I also just followed your blog and I really hope to hear from you. Thank you so much.
Will,
I have been in the wrong relationships. I have wanted the guy that didn't want me. I have ignored the signs, I have tried to be with the right guy whom I didn't feel romantic love for because of guilt, sex, and gifts - just exactly as you stated. I have been in my twenties. I have fucked up, loved too hard, fallen flat on my ass, taken advantage, and then watched so many single friends - male and female - go through all of the same things.
I appreciate all the compliments, and god knows I appreciate the readership, here and on the blog especially. I'm very honored that I've been able to relay what I've learned from my experiences and conversations, in a way that has helped you.
Darlin' you know exactly what I'm going to say. You just wanted to throw it out into the universe to feel it bounced back in tact.
There's only one reason to get married: you can't imagine your life without her. The thought of waking up without her is unbearable. You feel valued and safe with her, and you know you make her feel the same way. You're both strong individuals and together you're an even stronger team. The only reason you should marry is because you want to spend the rest of your life on this road, with this person, whom you love completely.
You don't feel that way about this girl. There's your answer.
You may have had a great relationship at one time, she may have been very supportive, and you may have felt like promising the world. But clearly that time is long gone. Your heart has moved on. Your brain has physically changed.
Your right, one day when she is with someone that loves her the way she loves them, she will be very happy you ended this. But don't expect her to feel that way now. You're breaking up with her because you've changed. You don't love her. You don't want to marry her.
Don't be a coward, and don't drag this on anymore.
Hi i juat want some advice really if you can please, i am pregnant with my partner but feel as though our relaionship has come to an end, i believe hes been/is cheating on me and hes always lying to me and getting caught, he has all of a sudden 'started working late' i dont know how to get out of the relationship as i cant afford the house on my own so all i can do is sit back and let him carry on with what hes doing, i really really dont want to be in this relationship anymore and need to find a way out it is my house but he will not leave and if he did i couldnt live here on my own anyway due to paying the rent, hes stared getting aggressive towards me and when i bring something up he will twist it were i feel like the bad one, im really down at the moment and need out, is there anything i can do or anywhere i can go? the only thing i have got in my life is my unborn baby and my dog, i know i could go into a hostel or something but i have got my dog with me and couldnt bare to lose him, any ideas??
Thanks.
There are women's shelters all over the country. Ask a friend or family member to keep your dog momentarily because of the urgency of the situation, and then go. Every day you stay you make it worse. If you stay in that house and have your baby you will regret it for the rest of your life.
This is so great Veronica! Thank you for shedding light on something so important. I definitely dated a guy who was very similar to the girl in this hub. The INSTANT that I escaped him (as written about in my last hub (http://hubpages.com/hub/I-Deserve-To-Be-Happy) my life got better. That's seriously not an exaggeration...Oh man is it ever not an exaggeration. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for such great insight and for such a well-written hub.
Bill says:
5 months ago
Hey Veronica,Thanks so much for your kind and encouraging words. You reply wasn't at all what I expected and I mean that in a good way.You see, I have felt this way for such a long time that I convinced myself that i was 'wrong' for not wanting to get married or wanting to lead a single life. I haven't shared these feelings with many people but you are the first to show me respect and talk to me like I'm normal for feeling this way. This genuinely has made me feel more in control of my guilt. I've been looking for new places and am starting to consider my options for moving on. I absolutely dread telling her and am still terrified that one day I'll look back and regret my decision to end things. I'm sure there will be days when I'll miss what we had together, and the good times we spent, but if it's a choice between risking regret or a life married for the wrong reasons; it's the lesser of two evils.thanks againBill