Okay, I realize that the title of this hub is a tad alluring. But this is my truth.

Men and woman are obviously different in several ways. One big trait that men and women often differ, is sexual appetite. Whether you are a man or a woman, no matter your sexual desire, this hub may be of interest to you.

As a young child, around 5 years of age, I was molested by a step-father. This lasted until I was 8 years old. These three "forgotten" years have changed my life forever. Let me say to anyone who hasn't been "touched", raped, or sexually abused in some way, please listen to the victims you know. Never discount what a sexual abuse victim is saying about their abuse, they need you, hopefully a truly loving person, to hear them. They need to know that there are normal people in this world. Not every sweet face is masking a monster. As victims, we need to know that we can trust again. We need to be sure that we can trust you. Please, hear us.

Anyway, back to the reasons I hated sex; not only was I sexually abused as a young person, my current husband has also taken advantage of me on many occasions, excusing it with "We're married, I shouldn't have to ask for it". Not only was I insanely confused about sexuality growing up, but being young and entering adulthood (in my 20's) I continued to be confused in my own marriage.

I hated sex, I thought it was disgusting. I thought my husband was disgusting and still do. I cannot picture him sexually because it makes my stomach turn. I thought, up until a year ago, that I would never have or enjoy sex again.

I've been separated from my husband a couple of times. I had the chance to have some one-night-stands with some attractive men, but I thought I was disgusting. After all of the years of sexual abuse from my husband, I truly believed that I was disgusting and not worth being loved, not even worth having sex with.

So, for about 10 years, I didn't even think about sex. My husband wants it when he wants it, so I give it up. If I try to ignore him, he will slam doors and call me names at 3 in the morning! During the act, I make myself numb. I don't necessarily feel like I am outside of my body, like so many others have reported in these events, but It's fair to say that I "white out" instead of black-out during sex. It's just a blur, I pretend it's not happening.

At one point in my marriage I was forced to face my own sexuality. There was an incident where my husband was very drunk. I was completely sober and driving him to his parents house. He asked me to give him oral sex (rememeber, I was driving) and of course I said "no you idiot, I'm driving" so he threw back "you must be a lesbian, you never want sex". For awhile after this incident, I truly had to ask myself if I was gay. I mean, my husband verbally abused me for several years before that incident and my self-esteem was as low as the gum on the bottom of his shoe. I believed what he had told me for so long that I questioned my own thoughts. I questioned my own heart. Well, I am not gay. I am not attracted to women sexually. I'm attracted to men. Too bad my husband doesn't understand that he's NOT a man!

Some of you may berate me for this but I am here to spill my guts. That is what I do. I am still legally married to my husband because he refuses to sign divorce papers until I share custody of our three children with him. This has been going on for over two years now. Not only that, due to his abuse, I fell out of love with him within one year of marriage. So truth be told, I haven't felt true love or enjoyed my sexuality for over a decade. I have only recently allowed myself to open up to the world again, despite my jerk husband, and I've gained confidence. This newfound confidence has (over the last few years) led me to feel sexual again. Definitely not for my husband, he is dead to me emotionally, forever.

Here is my dilemma: I have needs, as do most human beings. I know what my options are, I research everything!! But I'm having a hard time staying monogomous to someone who is abusive and has purposely left me in a state of needing him to thrive. I'm working on my independence as we speak. I don't see that my hubby will be around much longer, but until then, I'm struggling with the fact that I am attracted to other men. I want another man's attention, if only for a moment.

In summary, I lost my zest and sexuality for many years. I've struggled with sex and everything surrounding it, but have recently re-gained confidence and my sexual nature. I struggle with my decisions. I have not cheated on my husband, but wish to. Am I horrible?

I don't intend to run off to the local tavern and hook up with the first man I see. I've never been that way, never will be. But I can't help but feel flirty and adventurous when I see someone that I'm sexually attracted to..........it's so nice not to be a sex hater:)