Of late, there are two striking blondes that I can't seem to keep off my mind - that fake bitch Lady Gaga, and the incomparably gorgeous Taylor Swift.  They both remind me of another blonde I'm secretly in love with: Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.  Most hardcore diva since Demi Moore in GI Jane, definitely.  When I mix all that blonde hair in my mind, there's only one logical outcome... bitch fight.  I'm betting Taylor Swift could learn the five point exploding heart technique in a jiffy, yeah?  Have you seen her pluck that guitar, my friends? - natural born samarai.  Can't you just wait to see that stupid platinum hair of Lady Gaga's get seared off by a Hattori Hanzo sword?  The anticipation is half the fun!

Height: 5'1" Weight: 110 lbs Age: 23

Advantages: Chemicals from constant hair-bleaching give her a radioactive force field; Sold her soul to the devil, then won it back in a game of Texas Hold 'em (using her famous poker face, which fooled even the Lord of the Underworld) - he still owes her, so Hell's on her side; Super-sharp acrylic fingernails with Cartier diamonds for extra fighting power!

Disadvantages: Self-proclaimed fashion junkie, thus always in heels, preferrably platforms (easier to push over); Often dislplays copious amount of flesh - ripe for the swift slash of a samarai sword! ; Doesn't take her vitamins; Bruises easily; Has a lame Myspace.

Special Fight Moves: Fashion Attack! - Using her obnoxious fashion to stun her opponent, she then proceeds to attack them using her outfit. Sometimes it'll be exploding titties, and other times it'll be blue-and-white granny panties (opponents are killed instantly with those!) Dance Dance Revolution Dance Off - Opponents must face a video-game dance off against Gaga, notorious for her mad DDR skills acquired when she was druggin at the bowling alley between gigs and "loving it," before she got her big break. Look out Taylor, she always picks her own songs to dance to!

If Killed in Battle: Pop culture will be a little less sexually depraved. Isn't it enough that I have to see people getting tortured and hacked to pieces in films and tv shows these days, but now every time I turn on the radio I'm basically listening to a description of porno? I mean, don't little kids listen to hit music, too? I don't think it's asking too much to come up with a better enuendo that "I want to take a ride on your disco stick." Fueled by the likes of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton as examples, Gaga represents the embodiment of the American Dream, blonde bimbo style. Do we really need more talentless bitches rising to the top just because they dyed thier hair and met Akon?

Height: 5'10" Weight: 120 lbs Age: 19

Advantages: Self-taught, self-made, self-motivated - she has the bottomless self-fuel of a Jedi master; Mass of super-curly hair doubles as a net to thwart enemies on the battlefield; Fame has never gone to her head, or as they say in Hollywood, she hasn't gone gaga; Naturally stunning, has almost no need for make-up or hair dye - thus always at the ready for warfare!

Disadvantages: Prides herself on her sweet, calm, demeanor (nasty bitches are always more die-hard warriors); Chose country as her musical genre; Childhood ballet coach reports she "always had weak ankles"; Believes in true love (a true samurai is never sentimental!)

Special Fight Moves: Storytime Distract-and-Pounce - using her incredible talent for telling stories, she lulls her opponent into an idyll-filled stupor, then BAM! slams their face with the blunt end of an acoustic guitar; Disney Powers Unite - having allied herself with the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana, she need only raise her clenched fist with her Disney Alliance Power Magic Ring into the air and pronounce, "Disney Powers Unite!" at which point the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana will appear and kill the enemy instantly with a simultaneous attack of non-talent attempts at musical performance (all while Ms. Swift sits back and watches - a truly valuable attack for saving energy!)

If Killed in Battle: Not only will American teenage girls officially have nobody to look up to, but the world will lose one of the most astonishingly talented musical prodigies since Micheal Jackson.  As music these days becomes more and more based in electronic alterations and been-around-for-a-while hip-hop stars, Taylor Swift is taking music back to its purest form, and not doing it to prove a point, but because she's f-ing good at it!  Who knew a sweet voice and good-pluckin' guitar finger could still reign victorious in this day and age?  Not only that, but her songs are actually about something, not just bland choruses referring to sex repeated over and over (ahem, Black Eyed Peas). 

Do you even want to imagine a world without the lovely mermaid-turned-human Taylor Swift?  Neither do I.

Two blonde gladiators stand at the ready, one equipped with enough fashion faux-pas to assassinate Donatella Versace just by looking at her, the other's hair a deadly weapon and the focus of envy from all those who look upon her. WHO will remain standing? WHO will be the pop-culture champion? WHO will be the never-extinguished idol of modern music?

Let the battle begin!