The next doctor came highly recommended. He specialized in work with children and teenagers, had experience dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder and cutting and had worked with cutters before. I had great hope.

See, during the waiting period between my first visit to my primary care physician and the first appointment with the doctor, I had successfully located a nearby therapist with experience with self-injury and treating borderline personality disorder with cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy. We were currently working on self-esteem and anger using workbooks. These workbooks were extremely effective and I highly recommend them. (The Self Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi)

I was my new therapist who recommended this doctor. I was pleased after the first appointment and relaxed a little. I had finally found someone I thought I could work with. See my relationship with my doctor is more of a partnership. I've always believed that a person knows him or herself the best. It's important to be able to collaborate with the doctor, sharing your experiences. It's equally important that your doctor listen to you, respect what you are saying and actually consider it. Just because they have a PhD, does not mean they automatically know what is best for you. Only you know what is best for you. Stick to your guns, be firm, and advocate for what you want.

I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point he stopped listening to what I was saying and began to give me bad advice. I had recently been hospitalized at the Meadows Psychiatric Facility and put on an experimental drug Naltrexone.

Naltrexone isn't a new drug, but recently psychiatrists had developed a new off label usage for the drug. An off-label use is one that is different from what the drug was intended for. The original use of the drug was to help alcoholics. It is an opiate blocker intended for drug addicts. The drug is designed to stop the pleasure centers in your brain from experiencing a "high." Well, psychiatrists discovered that it could also block our own natural opiates and Theybegan experimenting with its use on self--injurers. Those doctors soon discovered that the drug lessened impulses of self-harm and increased the pain associated with self-injury.

I was put on this drug and because he was unaware of its off-label usage, he ordered me to stop taking it. He also ordered me to stop writing. Writing has always been the way I deal with my mental illness. It is my main coping mechanism and serves me by reordering my thoughts properly. I was not about to stop writing. I refused. What did he really know about me anyway?

Before long, it seemed that following every appointment, I had a severe mental breakdown and ended up in the Meadows facility. (By the way for anyone in this area, I highly recommend the Meadows, it's by far the best psychiatric hospital I have ever spent time in). I knew I needed the Naltrexone and the drug had changed my life. (Currently, still on the drug, I have reached my first milestone four months without injuring. Yeah. I should shout it from the rooftops)

It was through the Meadows that finally found me the right doctor. Dr. Harvatine, who works out of Altoona Home Nursing. I began to attend a inpatient hospitalization program there and graduated to outpatient and began to make some new friends. It was the services I received there that have led me to the point I am at today.