Five Ways Leaders Can Handle The "Compassion Paradox"

I have written about the Compassion Parodox in other places. So, I'll just define it here for the purposes of setting the context for this hub.

First a few definitions from Dictionary.com to make sure we are on the same page:

• A paradox is "a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth."
• Compassion is "deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it."
• Accountability is "the state of being accountable, liable, or answerable."

Some people are comfortable showing compassion towards people, and they find it difficult to hold people accountable. Other people are comfortable holding people accountable, and they struggle with showing compassion.

Leaders must do both, regardless of their personal comfort with either extreme. Since these two behaviors seem to be in conflict with each other, I call this dilemma the Compassion Paradox:

As a leader, you must be compassionate AND you must hold people accountable.

Depending on your personality style and personal experience, you may fall more on one side or the other of these two extremes. Learning to work both ends of this divide is one key to your success as a leader.

If you are comfortable with accountability, you might see compassion as too "soft". If you are more comfortable with compassion, you might view accountability as too "hard". In truth, neither extreme is either "soft" or "hard." They are simply different responses to different leadership situations.

Even though I am a very task-oriented person, I started my professional career with more of a compassion perspective towards the people I led in both the Navy and later in business. Over time, and with experience, I have learned to see value in both sides of the paradox. I have also learned a few tips for doing both. Sharing some of the things I have learned in my journey to "wrestle with the compassion paradox" is the real point behind this hub.

I have learned that how I frame, or view, a situation can alter my comfort with it. In addressing the Compassion Paradox, I have learned five key ways of reframing the situation so that I am more comfortable with whatever I need to do in a given situation.

1. I don't give consequences to people, they choose their own consequences.

Early in my career, I thought of discipline and accountability in the context of me giving it to someone else. I now view it as me allowing them to experience the natural outcome for their choices. If I do a good job of defining my expectations in advance of poor performance, people know exactly what to expect based on their behaviors. So, in effect, they have chosen the diciplinary or accountability action for themselves. I did not chose it for them.

2. People respond better to me when I work to meet their needs.

Even though my early thinking on this indicated that compassion and being "nice" were the same thing, I have learned that that is not necessarily true. Showing compassion means working with people in a way that meets their basic needs even when their needs may be different from mine. I use the DISC Model of Human behavior to gain a better understanding of how to do this well. There are other tools you can use. This just happens to be the one that I find easy to understand and apply. Knowing this model helps me to better understand both my blind spots and other people's needs.

3. I can be friendly with people I lead. I cannot be their friend.

I really struggled with this as a young Naval officer. At first, I wanted the men in my division to be my friends. I eventually learned to see value in the Navy's "no fraternization" policy. Over time, I learned that I can be friendly with people. I can work to meet their needs. I can know their family. I can see them socially outside of work. I cannot, however, be their friend in the context of "hanging out" or sharing deep personal secrets. I have to know where to draw the line so that I can effectively balance both sides of our relationship: the accountability side and the compassion side.

4. When I treat people with unconditional respect at all times, I find it easier to hold them accountable.

When I always treat people with respect no matter what they do, I can more easily confront their bad (inappropriate, unacceptable, etc.) behaviors. Keeping control of my response to a situation, and refraining from getting drawn into debates and arguments with the people I lead makes it easier to discipline them when necessary. Because I know that I have treated them with utmost respect, I know that I have not contributed to their bad behavior. As a result, I can hold them accountable without guilt, concern, or remorse.

5. When I confront sooner, the confrontation is smaller.

Because I tended to lean to the compassion side of working with people early in my career, the confrontations I had were usually pretty big. In retrospect, I see that the situations always got bigger and more complicated the longer I delayed confronting them. I now strive to confront poor performance or inappropriate behaviors as soon as I see them. When I do that well, the confrontation is usually smaller, more manageable, and less damaging to the relationship.

Here are my five lessons re-written as tips for success:

1. Make your expectations clear early, and let people experience the consequences of their choices.

2. Work to meet other people's needs even if they are different from yours. (This tip includes working to understand their perspective.)

3 Be friendly with the people you lead. Do not try to be their friend.

4. Treat people with unconditional respect at all times.

5. Confront bad behaviors as soon as you notice them.

This is not an all-inclusive or exhaustive list. It is just a list of some suggestions to help you become a better leader (parent, manager, supervisor, coach, etc.)

I encourage you to look closely at your personal strengths and blind spots to get a really good handle on them. As Daniel Goleman says in Primal Leadership, you need to develop high emotional intelligence to be a great leader. In other words, learn to lead yourself, and you can learn to lead others.