Flirting with a married man....Why?
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Whatever happened to respecting the sanctity of marriage?
A friend asked me this question the other day. She and her husband, who are happily married, were at a party when a woman they knew started flirting with her husband. It wasn't the first time she had done this to with him, so he handled it as he always did, by rebuffing her as nicely as he could, and try to turn their conversation in another direction. She did this several times throughout the evening.
My friend stayed out of it completely--she trusted her husband to do the right thing, and he did. But she wants to know why this woman continues to act this way. What has happened in this woman's life to cause her to have so little respect for others' marriage vows? I had no answers for her, because I have seen this type of woman in action many times myself, and had always wondered the same thing.
If you ask them why they flirt with married men, you usually hear the same typical answers:
"Oh, it doesn't mean anything"
"I can't help it--it's just the way I am"
"I'm just being FRIENDLY!"
So, maybe some tougher questions should be asked instead, such as:
Do you ever stop to think how much you are hurting the wife of the man you're flirting with? Or how the man himself feels--how embarassed or uncomfortable you make him?
Whatever happened to respecting the sanctity of marriage?
And as far as respect goes--what about SELF-RESPECT?
Years ago, a woman came up to my husband Tom and me while we were out alone. It was an old girlfriend he'd once had, but had quit seeing after he and I met. Before he could introduce us, she asked to talk to him privately, so they went a little distance away from me.
She asked Tom about seeing him again--Tom let her know kindly that he and I had been married for over a year, and had had a baby a few months before.
And, although I know how disappointed she must have been, she accepted it. She showed respect for our marriage, had the self-respect to not push the issue, and the class to walk away...
So why is that so hard for this other type of woman to do? Trying to drive a wedge between and man and a woman who are happily married is a dangerous and self-defeating game to play.
It's one they can never win because, in my friend's marriage, as well as my own, when couples are deeply committed to each other, NO ONE can come between them. So why do these women keep trying? What will it take for them to finally respect the sanctity of marriage?
My friend and I, and a lot of other woman, I'm sure, would like to know...
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Comments
Thanks for you comment nazishnasim...I agree with you. I understand jealousy, but but I don't understand why they think they have to act on it.
My guess is that they are lonely or unsatisfied in their own life and see what a wonderful relationship you have and just want one like it....maybe a compliment in a way.....and good for ones ego regardless.
R. Blue--I see what you're saying, but my friend was so upset, I think it was hard for her to see it as a compliment..
Thanks for your comment--I appreciate your viewpoints!
I have read that a man who is respected by his wife is more attractive to other women than a man who is not respected, even when his wife is not present. This makes sense, in the amount of confidence he has and the way he carries himself, however, it does not excuse the flirt who know the man is married!
"Marriage", as defined by my exes, seems now widely considered to be a stack of papers gathering dust in an office somewhere, stating that two human beings share property. It seems to be little more than that for a slew gob of people.
Ivorwen--Thanks a lot for your comment--I do agree with you that a loved man, or woman, feels more confident, and that could be a factor in attracting others to them.
Larkin--You're absolutely right--thankfully, though, to your dad and I, and many others, like you--it still means something!
Tammy
So true. There's always something malicious about flirting no matter how you look at it. Oh yes it's all friendly at the start but we all know where it leads to - have you seen Fatal Attraction? LOL
Thanks for sharing :D
Cris--Thanks for your support-I really appreciate your opinions on this...and yep, I have seen Fatal Attraction, lol...flirting gone WAY bad, huh???
Very thought provoking subject, as I have been in this situation myself many times. I can't figure it out but I must thank you for writing about it. Perhaps some of these "classless woman" may read this hub that you wrote and get the message.. Maybve if we are lucky.. keep these types of hubs alive.. im loving them!
Great hub.
I have to agree with the rest. Most of these women/men are missing something or they were never taught respect for others and their commitments.
erin-Thank you! I don't usually write about this type of thing, but this topic is very important to me, so I took the plunge...
J-Mae--Thanks...I think that respect is the no. 1 issue--some need to learn to give it, and to also, expect it of themselves...
In my experience, the people who do this are very insecure, and they get their sense of self-worth by trumping other people. :o
Thanks Susan--I think so, too...kinda sad, though, isn't it?
Yeah... they're rarely conscious about their insecurities, too, which makes things more complicated. :o
I remembered something I thought I would add: The intense yearning to feel loved and accepted can make one blind to everything else. :o This could be one reason women flirt with married men. :o
You know, I was once very insecure, and I so craved for love that I tried to get it from wherever I could. When I finally understood this, I couldn't really condemn people for "looking for love" anymore, even though they were looking for it in the wrong places. :o
Tamcor..these type of women are so very selfish and self-centred with no values ,concern and respect to the feelings of others.They see,they want! That's it!To hell with hurting a wife or breaking a marriage.Let me also add,Tamcor,many men do resist at first and one fine day they do give in..a la Fatal Attraction!The hero loved his family didnt he?Still he gave in to a fling on the spur of the moment!Just my view!:)
Susan--That's true...I once felt that way, too, very insecure and craving love. I was lucky enough to find my husband, though, and he fulfilled those needs for me--guess that's why I can empathize to a certain extent with those who don't have it. But on the other hand, I feel like there are so many single men around--why don't these women concentrate on them, and leave the married men alone? I do know how hard it is to find the right person, but who's to say a married man who might fall into her trap would be the "right" man anyway...if he's unfaithful to his wife, wouldn't these women realize that they could be just as unfaithful to them, too? I guess there's just no cut and dried answer here, is there?
lyla--Thanks for your comments...maybe that's why some women don't give up--they think if they persist long enough, any man will eventually give in...maybe the weaker ones do, but I know that men who are devoted to their wives heart and soul are more likely to be annoyed and frustrated with this type of women. I know that's how my husband felt when he was targeted a couple of times...
You're most probably right, TamCor. There are no cut and dried answers and nothing is ever black or white in this world. :o Things just ARE. :)
Good hub! Probably right for the most part!
A psychoanalist would say, I suppose, that the woman who acts like that is the eternal daddy's little girl, for ever thinking that she can take him from mummy. This is one of the classic forms taken by the OEdipus complex. Every man is potentially daddy for her, and every wife is potentially mom. She's trapped for ever trying to win dad's heart, even though dad takes the appearance of every married man that happens to be attractive to her. Or rather, she will be attracted to him because he's married. Bachelor, probably he wouldn't have the same attraction.
From a religious point of view, the Buddhist view is that a person like that is acting out the imprints of previous adulterous deeds or attitudes from previous lives. People think that bad karma is only the unpleasant results from non virtue, but the main and worst component of bad karma is that a mistaken action from the past leaves a tendency to act again in the same non virtuous way in future lives. One more reason to consciously decide to act following morality today. But morality is not widely studied nowadays, it's taken for granted and it should not be.
Wow - you received a lot of comments on this one! You pose an interesting question, and bottom line, I think it points to the emotional maturity of the women you're discussing. It sounds like you and your husband not only connect very well, but both have the awareness and emotional intelligence to say and do the right thing. You are fortunate. Thanks for an interesting hub!
OH..ouch. You are lucky. Women do it for a thrill, to know they are better. For power. I mean..to be so HOT as to be able to take away a taken man? They say, he never would have looked if SHE had been making him happy...and then there is the woman who says ..I just want a fling..I know that Im safe with a married man....your lucky because your husband makes it clear that he LOVES you. NOT that he jsut "cant..Im married" but he DOESNT WANT TO. Big difference...trust me...
Thank you all for your comments--I really appreciate hearing all of your thoughts on this subject.
It's a tough one, with no one easy answer, but I like hearing so many different opinions on the matter--thanks again!
I was thinking about this last night and thought of something else. (This actually is an issue quite close to me.) Another problem is just the fact that, in reality, alot of people married and single, really DO NOT respect marriage anymore. its as simple as that. To many, marriage is just something you do, it doesnt mean anything. I am glad to have met another woman, even on line, who feels marriage is something precious, to respect and uphold.
dennisematt--I so agree with you, in every point you make...I see this attitude all around me, and it's so disheartening...I'm very glad to have written this now, because I hesitated at first...not sure how it would be taken.
I am just as happy to meet you, too. Sometimes it feels as though marriage has become less of a committment, and more of a temporary fling to so many...so it's great to know that others share my feelings on it, too! Thank you very much!
Great hub. This is something that all marriages go through. I have learned that some women think your life is so perfect and they want to try to steal that away from you. They think you have this fairytale life (which no one really has). You are right to say that if the husband and wife are committed enough to each other, this wedge can't break that bind. However, some homeweckers never give up.
Thanks, UK, for your comments! It's true, some don't ever give up, you see it time and time again, and it's really sad.
Have to disagree with your one comment, though, lol...I feel like I DO have a fairytale life with my husband--and it's gotten better with each passing year! :)
Thanks again!
Great hub, though I can't really relate. I plotted, drugged, and tricked my wife into marrying me because she's the only girl who ever paid me any mind. So, no idea what it's like for a women to flirt while I'm married. Actually, not certain what non-married flirting is, either. Thanks, now I'm so depressed. Still have enough energy for you to have an even 140 fans.
Kelly...I'm so sorry to make you depressed.......even though I think you're fibbing--someone with your sense of humor probably draws women in like flies, lol!!!
Thank you for being fan no. 140, though!!!!
Being the person I am, I know this goes on a lot but it is still wrong. Maybe if you told the girl that in the Bible it states that if you look upon a married woman/man with lust it is committing adultery which we all know is against the Ten Commandments and OMG deems a person to hades. Your husband is doing the right thing, and I admire him for his behavior....but the shamelsss huzzy needs to get a grip!!
Sorry, I don't know how else to put it...You don't mess around with married men in a way that it could/would lead to something else via temptation....Every man should have his own wife and every woman her own husband...
Thanks, Wealthmadehealthy, for your comments--I agree, you don't mess around with married men!
As far as my husband--thanks for the compliment about him. He really is one in a million, and I am so blessed to be married to him...:)
My guess is that these women are cats in disguise and that is what cats do. My neighbor is one and a lawyer too, twice divorced. I'll say no more, *cough*
lol--Good guess Charlie!
Watch out for that neighbor! :D
a woman will behave that way because she is insecure, sad, and lonely. she wants what you have and so will attempt to entice and seduce your husband until he gives her the attention she is looking for. even if he doesnt give her attention she will continue to disgrace herself until someone takes her aside and respectfully ask her to cut it out and respect their marriage..... unfortunately, i have a friend like that. she stops at nothing for attention. i feel bad for her because she does not realize how she looks to others.
I kind o' like it when they flirt wi' me. LOL I just return the favor. hehe Sometimes I'm first. bad me
cerena--Thanks for your comment...I'm sorry that your friend hasn't realized how harmful her actions can be. I agree that these women are disgracing themselves--good analogy.
~~~
Bad Charlie, Bad Charlie!:D
Honestly, though, what does your wife think about that?:)
TamCor,
Great HUB. I have been through this kind of thing as well. Women who behave like this have a lot to be ashamed of. They are irresponsible, childish and incredibly selfish. Clearly, they have very little respect for other women and none what-so-ever for themselves. Imagine how wonderful life would be if women, all women, refused to behave like this? I can dream, can't I?
breakfastpop...Yeah, we can dream! Sometimes they DO come true..:) I think that there must be some low self-esteem issues, why else would someone lower themselves to that level?
had to come back to this. i feel better reading everyones comments, hopeful that there are so many like-minded people out there. thanks again for sharing.
rednckwmn--You're welcome--I hope you're doing okay???
Tamcor,
Nice hub!
It is because of their own security. If they can find the slightest opening they try to enter so they can justify not having their own committed relationship. To them "all men are just the same." It takes a strong committed man to show them that this is not the case. When you are fulfilled and secure you do not want something that belongs to someone else. As a matter of fact you are happy for them.
Thank you for sharing!
Blessings
Thank you DeBorrah, for the great comment--I agree with you completely.
I have a close friend who has never been lucky enough to have a relationship like my husband and I do, but she is fulfulled and secure enough in her own life, and is nothing but joyful for what I am fortunate enough to have in my marriage.
She is a REAL woman, and a true friend...:)
nazishnasim says:
6 months ago
I can but only guess the stimulus behind these women disgracing themselves. I think that they do it because deep down they are jealous of the wife whose husband they are flirting with. They have this 'I wish I could have been in her place' kinda thing going on in their minds. So to say, such behavior manifests feelings of insecuirty about their role in life and the course it's taking. That's my view. But no matter what the dynamics are , such behavior is not pardonable and should be rebuffed as tactfully but firmly as possible.