I know, I really do know that first impressions are lasting. . . in fact, I think the first assessment is generally the most true. . .

He acted like a jerk the first time I saw him, so. . . I thought he was a jerk! I really think he's a jerk right now -- and he's constantly proving it to me!

This need, this addiction to continuous outside validation -- from the opposite sex no less -- irks me to no end. Not because of any inherent insecurities or control issues within me but because as he creates more and more 'friendships' in this itty bitty, one-horse town, more and more 'friends' behave towards me as though I'M the one deceiving them, I'M the one cheating in their relationship with HIM, I'M the one that's standing in the way of their true love! Oh, pulleeze!

I've never been able to understand women that would slander, fight or even dis-respect the 'other woman' in regards to 'their' man. It appears to me that the true villain and therefore person deserving of a 'show down' was the man in question. I'll never let go of that truth. Anyone involved in a relationship is responsible to the relationship and whomever their involved with -- no matter whether it's platonic, romantic or familial. Anyone outside of a particular relationship is just that, outside. . .

So why my irritation? Maybe because I'm tired of ending relationships because the 'brotha' aint 'all that I want in a man' or because his greatest 'flaw' is the ONE thing I simply can't abide. . . Hell, I've walked away from more bonafide good men in the name of 'not good enough' than the average woman even meets in a lifetime. . . Well maybe not that many, but it's been way too many for comfort. So, I was thinking that I was ready to 'settle down' with Capt B.

Now considering my initial statement any sane person would wonder if I'd lost my mind! Well, it turns out he was acting like a jerk: he was holding a conversation on his cell phone during a class that I was conducting. Because he was in some way related to the directors of the community center [where the class was being held] I chose to ignore his rudeness and count him out as a jerk. . . Perhaps I'm angry with myself for not asking him to take his call outside. Ok, so I am angry that I didn't step up and put him in check. Alas, I've checked so many 'brothas' and other folks for so numerous social faux pas that I took a deep breath and continued my job.

Later, when he joined the class, he proved to be eager to learn, charming and whole heartedly smitten with me. Maybe he wasn't such a jerk after all. And yes, I did tell him I thought he was a jerk on our first encounter -- he apologized and all was forgiven.

Yet, that all too obvious need for outside validation, attention and constant support is truly the source of my chagrin AND a red flag from the get go. . .

I'm not so much distressed with his addiction, nor with the blatant catty hatred that his collection of 'friends' display whenever they see me. I'm angry that I gave him a chance to redeem himself and allowed him to get close to me. I'm angry that he doesn't respect himself NOR his 'friends' enough to seek out the source of his inner emptiness and correct it. I'm really saddened at the shameful behavior that these women are displaying towards me and presumably each other in the hopes that he'll choose them as his 'true love.'

It appears that I've forgotten the extremely wise truism: you can't soar with eagles when your pecking on the ground with pidgeons. Perhaps it's time for me to spread my wings and continue my flight towards a higher altitude where eagles converge with lofty nobility. Perhaps, I'm on the right track after all -- it takes courage to live up to your own convictions and integrity. And letting go is often the only way to have your hands open to receive the blessings that your truth draws to you.

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