For Unhappily Married Men - Kids Change Everything
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You're Not Alone
I posted a HUB not long ago called Affairs with Married Men, where I addressed an email I received from a married man's mistress who called herself "Lonely". I was pretty firm, pointing out all the reasons why she and her married liar are in the wrong, and why she should move on.
As a response to that HUB, I received many emails and comments from men. Unhappily married men, that said having kids changed everything.
Many of the emails and comments on Affairs with Married Men all described a similar scenario. A husband and wife get married. They have kids. They have debt. She changes, shifting her prioroty completely into mother-mode. The man gets miserable, and goes elsewhere for happiness.
"Angry Wife" said that they were living paycheck to paycheck, she was a stay-at-home-mom, and they had 4 kids when her husband left her for another woman.
"Fatal Attraction" said she didn't want her children being raised by strangers so she quit her lucrative career to stay at home with their 2 kids. Her husband left her for a woman that did what she used to do at work.
"Bill" related to the comments made by Lonely's lover about his wife: pitiful, clingy, and dependent. His wife wouldn't work but wanted to keep having kids and gave him a hard time for his long hours. He said he dreaded coming home, and finally left.
"Regret" said he had no idea what raising kids would be like. He was shocked by how expensive it was and by how their entire lives changed in every way. He claims he loves his kids but can not live like this. He's planning his escape.
"The Dog" said he and his wife were so happy when they first got married. Then everything changed once she insisted on having kids. She changed, her priorities changed, and their lifestyle changed. He said this isn't who he married and this isn't the life he signed on for. He said he refused to be stuck and left his wife.
"Carol" said she knows her husband has been having affairs since her first pregnancy when he stopped finding her attractive. Instead of confronting him about it, she decided the best thing to do was to keep having more children so he'd be tied to her forever. They now have 4 kids and he avoids coming home as much as he can.
I want to take this opportunity to point out the warning this should flag for all young couples. This advice comes too late for our Unhappily Marrieds above, but it's not too late for others to learn. When you commit your life to someone, that means you've discussed and agreed on what that life will be like. Having kids is a huge lifelong commitment that is not all pink puppies and giggles.
Kids are freaking expensive. They are constantly in need of attention, protection, money, support and guidance. It's 24-7 every single day for the next 18 to 22 years at the very least. By having children you've surrendered most of your personal freedom, your indiscretions and your wild side. You have completely accepted the burden, cost, and commitment to:
Handicaps, learning problems, no more sleep, behavior problems, braces, soccer uniforms, getting your ass to scouts, games, car seats, mini vans, grandparents, getting up, snow days, sick days, school buses, PTA, play dates, concerts, runs to the mall, doctor appts, sickness, messes, big awful plastic toys all over your once-pretty living room and lawn, going to water parks instead of Vegas, getting to know Elmo and Bobpants or whatever the fuck that is, G rated, Disney, other people's children and their birthdays and problems and issues... sex talks, cell phones, internet predators, pot smoking, piercings, being called old and out of it, coming out, growing up, getting off, music you can't understand, goth, goth boyfriends, pregnancy, AIDS, school shootings, driving tests, insurance, cars, boys in cars, girls with tramp stamp tattoos, eating disorders, cutting, bullying, curfews, grades, college...
And there's no guarantees. Your kid could be special needs. Medically challenged. A behavioral nightmare. He could bully, or be bullied. She could get pregnant. He could deal drugs - out of YOUR home. She could drive drunk and kill someone. They could (COULD) could cost you everything. And even the best behaved most wonderful kid costs you oodles of money, time, thought, energy, responsibility and commitment.
Once you have a kid, you are no longer the first person you get to think about. Period. Every decision, every penny, every inch of your life is now theirs.
Really think about this before you have kids. Agree on your ideas and plans. Will you both work, can you afford for one of you not to, consider day care, and school, and what your house is going to be like, and cost. Think about no more motorcycles or vacations, or whatever sacrifices you really are going to have to make, and be on the same page with your partner.
I can almost guarantee you that the people that wrote in did not consider all of the above. Look, there are many lifestyle choices that you are free to make. To have or not to have kids is one of them. Kids change everything.
As you can see from the recaps above from those comments and emails, in general it's the men that want out, that don't find their wives attractive once they become mothers, that are feeling the financial stress, that are miserable. Is that always the case? I'm sure it isn't. But this is what I have to work with here, these are the people that responded to the HUB.
Angry Wife made several excellent points in her comment. One of which is that maybe she'd feel differently if her ex husband was at least supporting her and their kids, but he hasn't sent a penny since he left. I'm starting off my advice with that point. Running away from the problem doesn't actually resolve it. Guys, the mistress seems stress-free and wonderful, but the reasons you're leaving your wife aren't just going to disappear if you go. Eventually dead-beat dads get caught. Is prison really going to be better than the life you have now? Stop dreaming and own your shit.
Bill, you asked for advice and here it is. FIX IT. It's too late to *think* now about whether or not you want or can afford kids. It's just too late to discuss this. So fix this moving forward.
First thing you have to do is sit down with your wife one on one. Hire a babysitter and take her out. Sit her down and tell her the truth. Tell her you're fucking miserable. You CAN NOT live like this and you feel so strongly about this that you have contemplated leaving. She can't dismiss this. Make her hear you.
Once you have her real and true attention to the seriousness of your state of mind, let her know that you aren't leaving. You made your bed and you're going to BE A MAN and lay in it.
List out all the things you hate about your life. I'm serious. Hey, you're contemplating leaving her. Telling her you don't like her housecoat is mild in comparison. Whatever all your gripes are, list them out. Even the ones that are selfish, unrealistic or mean sounding. Just do it. And encourage her to do it too. This isn't going to be easy. Brutal honesty is your only way to go at this point. And this is going to take time. If she wants to save the marriage she will let you get this off your chest. Then you can begin to compromise and work together as a team. Your problems are her problems. And vice versa.
One of two things needs to happen once you admit these things. One is that you will make the sacrifice and suck it up. Or two is that she will. At the very least you can work together. You will see that there is a side to everything you don't like, that you haven't considered.
For example, when you were dating her she made an effort to look great for you. She did her hair, her nails, her toes, and her make up. She got dressed in cute little outfits and jewelry. Now she doesn't. Your attraction for her is waning. Well, once you admit this to her, she can admit right back to you, that she used to have an hour to herself every morning to primp and fluff and get dressed. Now she doesn't. BINGO. Maybe you can go into the office an hour later every day, and give her that alone bath and beauty time. You take the kids completely for one hour every morning. Make it two hours and let her run to Curves and have a coffee in peace, too. Maybe she is just as upset about her looking frumpy as you are! Maybe verbalizing this and her having this special time every day will really be great for both of you. She will enjoy taking pride in herself and looking good again and this self confidence will spark other changes.
If you have some financial freedom, addressing necessary changes will be easier. Hiring a nanny, a maid, or a one day a week babysitter will bring incredible relief. You may have decided day care was not for you before you had kids. But now you are seriously contemplating LEAVING YOUR WIFE. Hello. That's much worse than daycare. You have to reconsider that decision for your sanity.
I strongly recommend seeking outside help. You may both be too close to the matter for real clarity. I highly recommend couples therapy. If finances aren't flowing, I highly recommend you make an appointment with a credit advisor and you sit down together and figure out what the hell you're going to do. Downsize your house, sell off stocks, make a budget and stick to it. Maybe she can go back to work and you can utilize daycare or a grandma that's willing to help. Maybe if you move your office to the house that will save overhead. Whatever you need to do, DO IT.
If you attempt these things and they don't work, or if your wife refuses to try to work with you, then make an appointment with a lawyer. Bill (et al), you can't just leave your kids. If you really have exhausted all other possibilities and there is no way this can work, then go to a lawyer. You can't just run.
When you put time and energy into a mistress and your own happiness, you are taking time and energy away from your family. It's not fair to anyone. It's a poor response. It makes you an ass. You made the mistakes. You have to fix them.
Marriages are partnerships. Partnerships involve compromise. And sacrifice. You may have made some really bad decisions that you truly regret. And if you are in that situation, I'm sorry for you. If one of you is unhappy, then both of you bear that burden. And you have to work together to find the compromise that will get you through.
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All text is original content by Veronica.
All photos are used with permission.
All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.
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Comments
Veronica although I don't have any of these issues because I am not married and don't have kids, I really appreciate the look of problems yet to come. My fiance and I try to be very open about what we plan for our future together, ie careers, kids, etc and I think this will really help in the long run.
Regret - I really truly hope you and your wife are able to work things through. Namaste.
CareyYo - Your comments really matter to me. Thank you for seeing what I was trying to do. I sound like a broken record, but honesty and communication really are the keys to everything. You are so right - it will really help you and your fiance to plan and talk and share thoughts on everything.
I don't think "kids" are a mistake. I think not thoroughly discussing having kids, and not understanding the reality of the commitment, is the mistake. I've tried to focus on that because that is the theme of unhappiness in the comments and emails I received.
Veronica - you've hit the nail on the head when you stress the importance of communication in a relationship. Although, personally I feel you were a bit harsh on the negative implication of children.
Thanks Goodwich. I'm glad it was harsh. I hope it encourages communication, consideration, and thought. This HUB was directed to a specific scenario. It wasn't meant as a generic kid-bash. Having kids is a huge commitment that needs to be thought through thoroughly.
If I do a HUB in the future about the positive implications of having kids, yours will be mentioned ;)
(Goodwitch and her husband have raised a beautiful family... together.)
Hi Veronica. Thanks for this article. I am married and have 4 sons. I wanted to comment on the positive side to all of this. Although what you write is mostly true, one must not forget that anything in life of value is not easy. You can only truly appreciate things when there is some type of struggle in attaining them. The facts are marriage is hard and raising kids well, is harder. However, both are very worthwhile and the grass is not greener on the other side. It's usually more stressfull, more expensive and more lonely to divorce, period! A lot of the problem is with the media and society painting an unrealistic picture of what is entailed. The point is, if you are mature enough to make the commitment, then you must live with your decision, good or bad. Both marriage and raising children are very selfless things. If the choice to leave wasn't so easy to do, people wouldn't do it so quickly. So to all of the people out there who are honoring your commitments, I applaud you.
Hi gpower2,
Thanks for the comment. I agree with you. I'm happily married 10 years myself.
This HUB was geared toward people that had lost sight of that message. I think you're right - there are a lot of romanticized ideas floating around out there about having babies especially.
I'm with you applauding people that take ownership of their lives and stand by their commitments.
Hi,
I can't imagine that I would ever leave my wife, and I cannot even bear the thought of not having constant access to my two daughters. (She is a wonderful mom and if we separated there is no reason for a judge to grant me primary custody of them. It makes me shudder to even talk about things like this.)
But, we are not happy. I don't know if she realizes it or not, or wants to put that out in the open. She is the kind of person that likes to sweep things under the rug, whereas I want to get them out in the open but she seems afraid to admit this problem.
I think a lot of the problem comes from the fact that we feel like roomates or something. I am not naive enough to think that with two kids we are going to be as passionate as we were in the past, but she seems to have zero interest in romance or sex and it discourages me to the point where I oftentimes don't even bother trying to be passionate or "cute" anymore. And vice versa with her.
It just seems crazy; we are both in our twenties and if we were not married with two kids we would more than likely be out on the dating scene right now. It just seems to me that, just because we have kids we don't have to act like an elderly couple all the time.
Neither one of us has ever verbally considered divorce but she seems to refuse to even acknowledge that there even is a problem.
Chris
Thanks so much for leaving your very thoughtful comment. I'm sorry, I wish there was something I could say that would help. I have received so many emails from men feeling very similarly to you since I began this HUB series.
I very much respect your commitment and your feelings for your kids. Not all the men I've heard from in your situation share that same devotion.
Chris, I don't think it's fair that you feel this way, and your wife sweep it under the rug. I really hope you find a way to relay to her the seriousness of your feelings (and hers) and that you can one day be happy again.
IMHO, most people are unsuitable (genetically) for child rearing. I'm one of those people. Shame other people don't realize it until they have a stack of dirty diapers in their kitchen.
Bravo!
(Hi Veronica- Joe,here)
Not sure if you could hear the chorus shouting "Amen!' from all the way out here in Montana.
I am childless by choice, and I am very happy with that choice.
The reasons you articulate above are exactly the reasons why I made that choice.
There are some downsides- I get bored to tears at parties or dinners with people who have young children. I get excluded from some of those dinners and activities. I get judged, and lectured on "what a great dad I would be." (Because I wouldn't half-ass it, and made an informed and thoughtful decision not to put my life on hold for 20 years.) "Who will take care of you when they are older? (You're sick if that's why you had kids.) "Oh, it's different when they are YOUR kids." (Uh, no. Screaming is screaming; cleaning up vomit is still cleaning up vomit, even if it contains your DNA; shit stinks, regardless of it's source.)
"When are you going to grow up?"
Grow up?
I'm 6'2".
Sure, it's selfish to choose to live my life for me, but that's my choice.
Isabella Snow is correct. I don't think most people realize the gargantuan undertaking and responsibility that comes with children until it is in their laps.
The focus of your marriage is no longer each other; it is the kids. It has to be. Kids are like a job that runs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, for 18 years. Granted, some of that job is wonderful and rewarding. Kids can be fun. I like kids (other peoples', that is).
If you can manage to still stay in love with your spouse, steal some moments together and enjoy raising children together... that is wonderful.
It just seems to be the exception, rather than the rule.
I didn't mean this to come off as negative. My circle of friends and family have had a slew of babies in the last 5 years, and based on my conversation and experiences with them, 90% of them would switch places with me if they had a magic wand.
Bravo!
(Hi Veronica- Joe,here)
Not sure if you could hear the chorus shouting "Amen!' from all the way out here in Montana.
I am childless by choice, and I am very happy with that choice.
The reasons you articulate above are exactly the reasons why I made that choice.
There are some downsides- I get bored to tears at parties or dinners with people who have young children. I get excluded from some of those dinners and activities. I get judged, and lectured on "what a great dad I would be." (Because I wouldn't half-ass it, and made an informed and thoughtful decision not to put my life on hold for 20 years.) "Who will take care of you when they are older? (You're sick if that's why you had kids.) "Oh, it's different when they are YOUR kids." (Uh, no. Screaming is screaming; cleaning up vomit is still cleaning up vomit, even if it contains your DNA; shit stinks, regardless of it's source.)
"When are you going to grow up?"
Grow up?
I'm 6'2".
Sure, it's selfish to choose to live my life for me, but that's my choice.
Isabella Snow is correct. I don't think most people realize the gargantuan undertaking and responsibility that comes with children until it is in their laps.
The focus of your marriage is no longer each other; it is the kids. It has to be. Kids are like a job that runs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, for 18 years. Granted, some of that job is wonderful and rewarding. Kids can be fun. I like kids (other peoples', that is).
If you can manage to still stay in love with your spouse, steal some moments together and enjoy raising children together... that is wonderful.
It just seems to be the exception, rather than the rule.
I didn't mean this to come off as negative. My circle of friends and family have had a slew of babies in the last 5 years, and based on my conversation and experiences with them, 90% of them would switch places with me if they had a magic wand.
Hey Joe!
Thanks so much for the input. My husband and I are in a similar situation as you. Many of our friends with kids would trade places with us and it's pretty much because they didn't think about what they were getting into. They weren't prepared and are overwhelmed with the reality of their decision. We know only a few families that really seem happy. Like you said, it's the exception.
We get the same bullshit comments as you do - especially that one about who will take care of us when we're old. I completely agree, that's a sick reason to breed. And, btw, no guarantee.
What really pisses me off, is (in the vain of Carrie Bradshaw) we celebrate every body else's life choices, with shower gifts, baby birth gifts, christenings, christmas gifts, birthday gifts, blah blah blah. Do you think any one of those people does anything in return?? Not one of them even makes a donation to the humane society in our name and sends us a card, to acknowledge and celebrate our life choice the way we celebrate theirs. We just adopted another dog (long story) and dammit, I want a puppy shower! Not so much for the "gifts", much more so for the acknowlegement and acceptance.
I loved that Sex in the City Episode with the shoes! Girl, it sounds like a great idea for another article.
My wife and I read your blog Veronica and we have been looking at your hubpages now too. My wife didn't like this article. When I asked her why she couldn't give me a real reason. I think it just angered her in general that this is true. Of all the married men with kids I know, I can name only 2 that knew what they were getting into when they had kids. So many of them have affairs now. Most of them are just miserable. It's this unspoken thing in our circles. Everyone knows how terribly unhappy everyone else is. Everyone wanted different things in life that aren't going to happen now because of the decision to have kids. I'm not saying it's right, I'm saying it's the way it is. It's true. The guys I know having affairs would not be seeking union elsewhere had they not had kids. Like you explained they had a very romanticized idea of what would happen. Life changes in every way after you have kids. Your wife changes in every way. I'm the first to admit my wife and I love our kids but we didn't know how much things would change. If I knew then what I know now I would have made some very different decisions. I'm not happy with my life and I know I could be happier. That's not to say I'm going to do anything stupid. I will deal with my decisions and follow them through because it's the right thing to do. But I understand why so many men just can't. Bravo to you for not defending them, just explaining what's going on. Just the fact that my wife wouldn't face the truth of this article and reacted with anger and dislike shows how far some women's heads are stuck in the sand about this. This article is a very hard to face truth that represents the majority.
Thanks for that, Peter.
By far, I have received more emails on this HUB than on any other. Many are from married men, miserable and making bad decisions. Some of them were heart breaking. Some of them were disturbing.
Thanks for your point of view.
I don't think you were harsh at all about the negative side of having kids. Anyone who thinks you were must not have kids yet.
Every single thing you said was true. If anything is "harsh" it's the TRUTH.
I agree with the people that give you credit for not defending these guys that cheat. You were right telling them they need to deal with their decisions like real men and not take time and energy away from their families only to spend it on having affairs.
You really wrote a good piece explaining the truth no one wants to admit and not defending these guys at the same time.
I had 4 children with my first husband who left us. I was very lucky to find my second husband. We raised 4 wonderful people. I began to read this article thinking I would be mad at you for it for defending what my first husband did to us. But that isn't what you did at all. You explained the situation painfuly well.
I hope people will read this with open minds and really think about it before they have kids. It is a wonderful experience but it is not for everyone. I agree with the comment that it probably isn't for most people.
I would give anything to have my life back again. I'm exactly what this is about. I am fucking miserable. I can't talk to my wife about it. I hate my life.
I am the female version of exactly this article. I am a 41 year old married mother of 2. I knew having kids would be a big change but in no way did I know just how much so. I love my children but I am so unhappy. There is no time for me anymore. I have lost myself. I used to be a person and now I feel like nothing. The children suck the life out of us. Nobody tells you how awful it is. I see how my husband changed and how our relationship changed but now I see how I changed too. There is no romance. We are too tired from homework and cleaning and fighting and having to do everything for the children all the time. We used to go to plays and museums. We used to have vacations and long talks. We used to not worry so much about money. We used to sleep in on weekends. We used to take care of our appearances and we used to enjoy life. Now we don't do any of that anymore. I am this cranky tired bitch all the time. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate my life. I feel trapped. I read this article with how men find escape in affairs. I say to these men if you are as awfully miserable as I am and you find any happiness anywhere then you should go for it. I would give anything to like myself and be happy again.
I am a 29 year old Married Marine father. I've been married for four years, and have been with my wife for six years.
After my first deployment, which was last year, i returned home to find that my wife had been cheating on me and destroyed our finances while i was away. I had decided on divorce, and after i realised how long the process could take, began to date and talk to other, prospective females. After a short time, i found a nice woman and we got into a relationship that i dropped recently, because my wife decided that we should give it "another shot" or whatever, at least for our daughter. As much as it hurt to do so, i did it and again faithful to her, we both know that what i did cannot be considered "wrong", at least in the sense that i believed that my wife and i were through, i just really wanted to move on and leave the pain behind.
Now, we've both made changes and sacrifices to "make amends", or try and "make things work", and in most ways it is, but i just cannot, for the life of me, forgive and forget what she did to our family, and to me.
It's smiles on the outside but inside, i'm still full of bitterness and despair, and i focus on the things that mt wife still won't do, but my recently dropped "lover" did so well. Whether it was sex, affection, or just inquiring into my well being, she really made me happier than my "wife" does, i really fucked up, i realize that now and i just can't figure out what to do.
I don't want to lose my daughter again, but at the same time, i can't live like this anymore, it's like living a lie.
Turk,
I wrote a response to your comment in your very own HUB.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Should_I_Stay_in_a_Lie_of_
I hope you'll read it.
Best to you no matter what you do,
Veronica
Veronica,
Thank you for telling it like it is!
I work with children. I love children. I can't imagine not having children of all ages in my life. I don't mind the vomit, the poop, the crying, the screaming -- or the help with homework, the fights, the snot, the blood -- FOR A LIMITED NUMBER OF HOURS PER WEEK. Someday, maybe, that could change, but for now, I'm 25, and I have absolutely NO intention of having children of my own for AT LEAST 5 years -- and probably more like 10 (or more)!
I can't tell you how many of the parents I see don't seem like their children are anything like the kind of priority they should be, and it's heartbreaking. In our society, there's no reason to have a child if you don't want a child. I can't help but wonder how many of them simply had no idea what they were getting into when they "chose" to have children.
If even one person reads your article and thinks twice about having a baby -- or thinks twice about having a baby NOW -- you'll have done something very, very good. Thank you!
Alex,
Wow, thanks so much for your comment. You are so right: "In our society, there's no reason to have a child if you don't want a child. I can't help but wonder how many of them simply had no idea what they were getting into when they 'chose' to have children."
As someone who deals with children and thier parents for a livin, you would see it first hand every day. A million thank you's for stopping by my HUB.
This could have been written about me. I got married young, had kids because I thought that's what ya did, and was miserable beyond repairby age 26. I cheated on my wife a few times just to escape. I dreaded coming home to that house, with the screaming kids and the mess and the toys everywhere and my wife mad and upset. We got divorced and I am so much happier now. I am so sorry for everything I did and not saying it was right - just like you veronica, just saying this is the way it was. I see my kids every other weekend they live in another state and I am happy. The really sad thing is my ex wife remarried to a guy I used to work with when I lived there, and they had another kid right away. The really sad thing is, and I know from friends at the old job, he's having an affair now with a woman that works with him. I am not making excuses, just like this article doesnt make excuses. I'm just saying just like this article, people have no idea what they are getting into when they have kids. My ex wife used to be so pretty and strong. And now she looks a mess and has had two cheating husbands. When I talk to her when I pickup my kids she says she wants more kids. She has no idea.
It is hard to face the truth about this subject. My husband and I had 2 children and our lives changed totally. I love my children and would never want not to have them. But my husband was different. I think you are right about that he just did not realize how much work it would be. He started working later and later and then would go to the gym. We stopped having sex and stopped being friends. I found out he was cheating on me and when I confronted him he didn't even apologize. He just wanted a divorce and wanted to get away from us. Since he left 2 years ago he has seen his children 4 times.
I have another perspective on this. I am completely miserable and have been for years. I have two beautiful children who I adore, and they are all that keep me going day to day. Rather than the children being the reason why my marriage is unhappy, they are the only reason that I am there at all. I've been separated for 9 months when they were very young, and while I loved my freedom, I eventually came back because I didn't want them to grow up damaged. I've been through months and months of marriage counciling with my wife, but nothing can solve the fact that I just don't love her. I figure I just have to sacrifice my life for my children to give them at the very least a happy childhood. I know I will most likely miss out on ever having true love myself, and I go through episodes of severe depression thinking about that. Eventually I have just told my wife what she wants to hear so that we have some sort of happy home. I know I can make it as long as I don't meet anybody else. Not exactly the perfect situation, but that is my present reality.
I had a girlfriend in college that I loved very much. She didn't want to have children and my parents made her out to be some kind of weirdo because of it. I broke up with her over it and married a girl I met at work a few years later. My wife and I have 2 kids. My parents asked me all the time, when are you going to make us grandparents, when are you going to have kids. Not once did they ever ask me, are you ready to have kids, do you know whats involved. The pressure of them asking all the time was immense. They always made me feel like having kids was something every body did and I had to do it too. They made me feel like the woman I truly loved was wrong for her decision. They pressured me into the situation I am in now. Kids change everything. No one warned me or taught me anything about this. I'm just expected now to not want to go out anymore, to give up every night to homework, to give up every weekend to all their activities. It's not their fault but I resent them for taking my life away from me. I can't do any of the things I used to enjoy. I work hard and make good money but I never have any because of the kids. My wife is an excellent mother which is why I married her. She loved kids and wanted to have them. My parents pressed it into me that that was the only quality that mattered in a woman. We don't have sex, we never talk. I can't stand to be around her. She looks awful because she takes no time on herself at all. She can't talk about anything but the kids. I resent my parents for being so irresponsible with the pressure on me to have kids and for never ever teaching me how hard it was to raise kids. I resent my wife and my kids. I feel stupid for letting all these people push me and make decisions for me. I hate that I never thought for myself. I hate my life. I hate coming home from work, I hate spending time with my kids. I hate when I have to speak to my wife. I'm not having an affair but I would if I found a woman that wanted to. I love my kids but if I had it to do all over again knowing what I know now I would never have had them. I would not have listened to my parents. I would not have married my wife. I would have married the woman I really loved and I would be happy, much happier than I will ever be being a father. One more thing, I talk about this with different men I work with or know from the gym or from college. Many of them are in similar situations as me as far as having kids and the way their wives are and many of them feel like I do about it. I am by far the worst and I think it's because of my parents.
I love the way you tell it like it is, Veronica! I read an interesting article in our local paper recently. It was by a woman who'd just had a baby. She wrote about going to a Mothers' Club and feeling like an outsider, because all the other moms seemed to have transferred all their love to their babies, and had very little (if any) time for their husbands.
Whereas the author loved her baby, but she also still loved her man. Of course, the baby demanded a lot more time, but in her mind, she loved them both equally and she took care to let him know that. But the other mothers actually sympathised with each other about how their husbands didn’t understand the new situation – as if they should just accept they were now relegated to third place in the family, behind bub and mom.
It started me wondering - women blame their men when he walks out after the kids arrive, but is it possible that the woman’s change in attitude is a major part of the cause? I'd be interested to hear your take.
Hi there Marisa Wright
Thanks so much for the awesome comment!
Having not read the article, it's hard to weigh in. But based on what you said, I really sympathize with the author. Years from now when all those kids are grown and gone, I am willing to bet her and her husband are still going to have an awesome life together, and those other mommies are not going to be so lucky.
I don't blame men alone in walking out after the "kids change everything" moment of life arrives for them. I definitley put the blame on the woman too. What guy would still feel romantic toward a woman that doesn't show him she still feels romantically towards him?
Men alone are not to blame. Their mothers start this, and their wives sew it up in the end. (Sometimes. Not all the time. Don't every body go ballistic. I'm talking about a certain group of people. If the shoe doens't fit, don't put it on.)
I'd love to hear your take, Marisa. Let us have it.
Veronica
I'm old enough to know that very few marriage break-ups are the fault of only one person!
I don’t have kids myself so am not really qualified to comment – just curious whether other it strikes a chord with other women who do.
Yes, kids are hard work but good grief there are some whiny people posting here. Deal with it and be grateful - change your attitude and it will change your life. Don't forget that anything of value in this world takes hard work and commitment.
My husband and I have two very energetic young boys and most of our friends have kids also. Yes, we all used to vacation together and we don't anymore but we plan to again in a few years when the kids are older. I know none who are having affairs. We are all quite tired and busy (we all work full-time) but we are happy with our children. We would never change our decision. I do think number of children is a consideration - two is plenty - I do agree that more than two might drive us crazy, there is just not enough time or energy for more.
I hope the people who have responded try to focus on the positive aspects of their current life situation. The screaming and the toys everywhere etc. should improve over the next few years - it is the early years that test you - if you and your spouse can get through it together, as a team, I am sure you will enjoy a happy family. We love our sons and we are taking our first family vacation soon, now that they are "big boys", 6 & 4.
Good luck.
I definitely agree that too many women change their focus when they have children. The woman in Marisa's article is right on! I personally do not have children but I can appreciate how much time and energy they demand. However, your Husband/Partner should still be your primary focus. They are the ones you declared your commitment to and having a loving, healthy relationship with your spouse directly impacts on your childrens lives. You are in the relationship together and even though it may take slightly more energy to continue making your partner feel special (energy you may feel you don't have) it pays off so much more in the end. I think it comes down to a simple question women have to ask themselves "Did you say 'I do' so you could become a Mother or did you say 'I do' because you truly love the person you're with?" If you truly love the person you're with then they must take priority so you can work as a team to raise your children. Just my two cents. Great writing!
Thanks!
Marisa Wright's comment woman? Yeah, I agree too.
There seem to be, broadly speaking, two types of people in marriages. People who see their children/family as the centre od their marriage and people who see the relationships between man and wife as the cdentre of the marriage.
It is also true that both mn an women fall into each category. The woman who puts her kids before her husband and the man who stays with his famly even when he is having an affair are both putting hte needs of the children before their own emotional needs from a relationship in different ways.
Equally men who walk out of marriages with kids and women who put their husbands before their children, even at the children's expense are putting the relationship first.
In this case it does not matter weher the relationship we are talking about is a marriage or an affair. The important thing is that it is given higher priority than parenthood. I guess the truth is striking the right balance between choldren and spouse is very difficult to achieve for all.
Also in my experience the problems with children really start about 10 years into parenthood with at least another 10 left before the youngest is truly independent. The younger years are the most demanding but years 10-20 cna be the most demoralising in terms of needing some kind of other energy in your life to stop you feeling stagnant. But I guess everyone is different in this department.
Also we should not lose sight of the fact that falling in love and making love with someone you love with the thought of having a baby are the very best feelings in the world.
I believe we should trust our instincts at these points and if we choose to enjoy the moment then we should also have the will power to see it through until the child is 18-21. We know all marriages have ups and downs (including affairs) but staying togther for better or worse mean just that and normally after 50 years most marriages have evened out in terms of who is treating who wrongly.
Our Grandparents, greatgrandparents, great great grand parents etc seemed to have managed to cope OK with life long marriages of reasonable quality. It should be no surprise to us that in the last 30 years or so we have changed all the rules of marriage and parenthood and then wonder why it falls apart so much. Perhaps we shoudl try to learn a thing or two from the older generation.
I am posting a comment to gpower2.
If you are applauding those who honor their commitements, and it seems so important to you to stuggle and be mature to ensure that the marriage survives, then why were you divorced once already? Why didn't you try to make that marriage work?
Veronica, everything you stated is the absolute truth. I for one did not think through my decision to have kids. I have been married to an emotionally absent, verbally abusive, selfish man for almost 20 years. The problem is, I knew this when I married him and should have known things would only get worse instead of better. So my advice to anyone who wants to have kids is to find someone who you truly love and who loves you back before you make the commitment of marriage, much less before having children. I thought children could fill the void of a loveless marriage, however now I realize how immature I was at the time of that ridiculous though. I love them unconditionally and I am grateful for them but they do not fix a broken marriage. I had an affair some time back as a result of lonliness, anger, and boredom. Although it was short-lived and almost ruined my life, it was the time of my life. He gained legal custody of the kids, and I was forced back into my unhappy life once again in order to have a daily relationship with my kids. There is no longer trust in our marriage. He doesn't trust me because of the affair and brings it up on an almost weekly basis and I don't trust him because he frequently threatens to leave me and take the kids, since he has so much dirt on me. We hate each other and fight all the time but are staying together for the kids. They should be well adjusted adults one day because of it. What I'm trying to explain is this: Make sure you really know the person you plan on spending the rest of your life with. If you can not communicate with them then you should not get married, period. And when you do talk, make sure you discuss every aspect of the desire for kids, parenting styles, discipline, etc. Kids can be rewarding but once you have them, you can't take them back, not even for just a little while. If you decide halfway into your marriage that you no longer want to be married and you have kids, they become casualties and they didn't ask for that. And if you're even contemplating having an affair, be prepared for the absolute worst to happen because it is a lie and lies have a way of catching up with you. And to Nicki who commented that the screaming and the toys improve in a few years and it gets better when they're older, well I hate to tell you this but it doesn't get any easier. When your children enter the teen years you will be dealing with an entirely new set of problems. I would gladly go back to those early years in contrast of struggling with a defiant and rebellious teenager who is now much larger than me. Those days were much simpler.
One more thing, the comment was made that many women turn all of their focus on the children after having them and give their husband's much less attention. Yes this happens. There is a reason, especially during a child's infancy. They require constant attention. They are physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. Women, especially stay at home moms are usually exhausted. They are isolated from society much of the time because it is more trouble much of the time to get out with small children than it is to just remain at home. They often lack support from the outside world. A husband who comes in from work is also tired and has little or no energy to contribute to a baby. The wife therefore has to go about her job of raising little ones 24/7 without a break. No wonder she has no time to fix up or dress nice. When my children were small, my husband would come in from work and go straight to the la-z-boy. It would have been nice once in awhile to have an hour or two to devote to myself. So in most cases, the wife does turn her attention away from her husband when children come along, but what is the alternative. Lock the baby up in a quiet room and leave them to care for themselves? This is not realistic. And where should she find the energy to devote to a husband after going about her day sleep deprived caring for everyone but herself? Just a few things to consider before having that house full of kids.
People only think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence because THAT"S WHERE THEY ARE WATERING IT! Get a grip! Focus on your own relationship and remember what it was like to be a couple. Once you water and nurture your own garden it will grow ...but not until then.
Being married is wonderfull . Having children is a privilege and honor. Staying married with children is the problem. It goes without saying ,children need parental love and physical support ,training and at some times correction. It is wonderfull being a big part of this. NOW let us NOT forget the marraige husbands and wives NEED Love and attention to.Time to Love ,cuddle play or a night out. Wives DO not abandon your husband or you will end up with children only ,who will leave you after your sacrificed your 18+ years of life and your husband who you ignored or left for children. Men and women are different in how they perceive things. Childrens needs and spousal needs are different. Let us honor our marraiges and stay married so children can have a ballanced up bringing. Husbands and Wives LOVE EACH OTHER AS YOURSELVES!
Hi Veronica
I am married, do not have kids and won't be having them. The reason is because all this *did* occur to me and I didn't want anything to do with it.
Excellent hub...
The thing that truely amazes me is that the guys who are miserable with their lives after children think nothing of what life is for their wives.
Do they realize that life has changed for them as well?
Their thoughts are only self serving! "Get me out of this". What do they think will happen to the children they were instrumental in bringing into this world. Do they really think that their leaving their family isn't going to touch the hearts of their children forever?
I am 53, my parents split when I was 6. I had a difficult childhood, managed to create a good life for myself and my own family... but I can't completely shake the 'baggage' of insecurity and distrust of men, in spite of my 25 year marriage. Those ghosts pop up at the worst times.
Guys, don't ever think that your kids won't miss you in their lives. If you are leaving because of all of the financial burden... what the heck do you think will happen to the mother of your children when you leave her alone with it?
Thanks for this hub... I hope more people read it.
I totally agree with Pipedreamer...
Life could be easier if the men would also stop thinking about themselves and see how it effects their wives. I have been a stay at home mom to 3 children ages 4, 6, and 7 since day one. I did understand what was expected of me when I had children and I knew that it wasn't going to be a fairly tale life. I don't think my husband did though. I am very lonely and am in need of a change in my life (I am considering going back to school or getting a part time job somewhere). I am stuck in a rut. We moved out of state and I don't know anybody and it has been hard to meet new people. I am stuck cleaning and dealing with 3 kids day in and day out with no real support and nobody to talk to. I would like it if my husband came home and actually helped me out instead he gets on the computer or sits on the couch and watches me. Which of course infuriates me. Then he expects me to rub his feet or "love" him and what do I get in return??? NOTHING! There is no reciprication of "love" back. I am sorry, but I do this every minute of the day with the kids. I want to be "loved" without feeling like it is a job from him. I just want to sit and zone out on the couch for a change damn it! I feel like he is a 4 th child, who is very selfish. Isn't being in a loving relationship a two way street. It sure would be nice if I got attention and help more often. Doesn't a man understand that if you show someone that they mean something, you will get more return on the "love" investment. I am at the point where I don't even want to show him affection. I am tired of being dismissed. I work my ass off all day long, and I am sure he does too. But he should come home and work with me equally for the kids, he needs to understand that the job of father happens when he walks in the door. Not the job of couch potato/observer. Maybe wives could be happier. I can certainly say I for one am very lonely and would love a partner. I have told many people that I am just a single mom with a paycheck.
Kids add a lot of stress to the relationship. Couples without the strong foundational bond will buckle under the pressure. Remember escaping is the easy way out. It takes a lot of work, heartache, comprimise, and self-sacrifice to produce a successful family now-days. OR, you could just be swingers.
I chose not to have kids because of all the above statements. I took some time to think about what I liked and didn't like, what I was and not willing to sacrifice and came up with the answer; dont' breed.
Everyone told me I was wrong to feel this way. Everyone told me I would regret it, that I'd end up lonely.
Well, no loneliness here! I'm stable, have a career and good income, plenty of friends (yes, some with kids!) and am on good terms with all my family, enjoy wonderful vacations and hobbies, am never bored and love my life.
Why should I change my life for something I never wanted, never desired, have no instinct for?
I read the things people say about being pressured into doing something and how miserable they are now. So sad...
If you want kids, then yes they are all worth it. But if you don't, the sacrifices are awful!
Insightfull and wise advice.
I'm a pretty commited Christian, and I find that I rely on my faith and the Christian community I live in to furnish me with this sort of sagacity regarding lifestyle choices & actions.
The contrast between the ways of my Christian friends & my non-Christian friends often leads me to a pretty cynical, unflattering view of secular attitudes to lifestyle. So I just wanted to say, I very much enjoyed having some of that cynicism dissolved after reading your response to these comments & attitudes.
(I hope I wasn't incorrect in assuming that you would consider yourself non-Christian)
Veronica you really nailed this topic. I have no idea why everyone thinks you should automatically have kids. This article should be required reading in high schools. It is a huge decision, and one of the only completely irreversible decisions you make in your life. It goes on and on.
I have 2 kids and I love them and all that. But if I had known what hell this would be I would never have done this. I see in the comments some of the ladies saying what about the unhappy wife. I remember when my circle of friends started getting married and having kids. I remember talking about it with my wife as we watched each one as the wife would change. I mean totally change. And the husband wouldn't change. I think it's him NOT changing that is as much of the problem as it is HER changing. Kids change everything. Maybe thats the angle - she rolls with it and he doesn't. We watched as all the women in our group of friends changed their appearance, their priorities, thier likes and dislikes. It w as horrible, I didnt even want them as friends anymore. And we watched as all those husbands were more and more miuserable, not changing at all. Not changing thier lives or at least not wanting to, for the children they had.
Despite watching ALL of our friends become miserable and shitty and have affairs and fall apart, for some dumb reason we just went along with the american model plan, and we had kids too. I think back to that now and can't believe i could ever be that stupid. Now we are in t he exact same place. My wife is completely changed. And I'm not. I'm like the commentor that says he dreads coming home at night. I can't stand to be in our house.
I've had 4 affairs in the past 3 years. My little brother told me tonight that he and his wife are trying to have kids. That's what promted my internet search. How the hell do you tell someone that you truly believe with every inch of your soul that having kids is the biggest mistake of your life?
Mike,
Oh yes, you've assumed correctly. Thanks for your comment.
Tim,
My heart really goes out to you.
V.
I am recently separated from a wonderful husband/person/friend but I realized after almost 9 years of marriage that things weren't working. It wasn't a 'Eureka' moment or anything but after a big fight one night, I realized how unhappy I was and things needed to change....
YES, it was scarey...YES, the thought of being alone worried me but after all was said and done, I am SSSSSSOOOOOO happy to be single again! I can look back now and see how unhappy I was. I really let myself go, too...I put on ALOT of weight, I didn't care about my appearance, I let go of my interests and hobbies....I had a miscarriage early on in our marriage and I have to say that I am very happy that I did have a miscarriage. I am not motherly AT ALL! Most women are, not me. It was hard to leave the relationship but I have to say..........
I AM SO HAPPY NOW because I am now happy! I am single again and LOVING IT!!! I get to do what I want, when I want and with whom I want! I am so thankful that I am not 'stuck' in a relationship because that was not for me. I do not mean to put anyone down or make anyone feel bad but if you are miserable, you really need to weigh your options. I know that having kids can certainly affect any decisions you might make but your own happiness should mean something, too.
Good article. I am still married (30 years) and couldn't leave or abandon my children. However, An earlier comment by "The Dog: this isn't who he married".
I was 26 and she was 24 when we married. We'd seen lots of couples marry and make lots of mistakes (before and after marrage). I understand people will and have a right to change. However, I struggle with the question: would I have been attracted to and married a woman with this type of personality and attitude?
I am committed to "till death do you part" because of the effects this would have on family and friends. Maintaining romantic feelings , romance and passion is a another question. I am not condoning extra-marital affairs: let this be understood. But wives argue and protest over their RIGHTS to change without any consideration of the hubands feelings. However, if the husband were to change like this she and her friends would roast him for dinner.
Changing of personallity and the husband being religated to a significantly lower priority are the two issues that infuriate men, MORE THAN LACK OF SEX.
Point number two (priority) seems to continue on until the empty nest syndrome. She then turns back to the husband but he is bitter of the last 20-25 years and hesitates to respond. This has happened to me and almost every man that I know.
Changing of personality and religated to a significantly lower priority.
Indiana Dave,
Thanks so much for your comment.
"This has happened to me and almost every man that I know."
I know this to be true for almost every married with children man that I know, too.
Best to you,
V
Hey Veronica,
I just clicked on this link from your web page. I didn't know you wrote it until the end. Inn fact. for some reason I thought a man had written it & I was so impressed by it's accuracy. We have 3 kids & everything about this is bang on. People who have kids without knowing it's going to be HARD are idiots. People who have kids & then leave & shirk their responsibilities are idiots. No-one has to become a totally different lame soccer-obsessed person when they have kids. But, yeah, there are sacrifices to be made so ask around before having kids. I am so open & honest when people who don't have kids talk to me about it. I don;t regret my decision for an instant & my husband & I went into this with eyes wide open. Anyhow, great article
(formerly Sassy Brown)
Hey there Eve (Sassy)!
I'm so glad you clicked over from the blog. Thanks for the comment. I am glad you and yours are happy, having taken the steps toward what you wanted with your eyes open. It would be nice if more people did. You are the exception, and I'm so happy for you. I was just peaking at your myspace page and thinking about you, isn't that funny?
Best to you,
V
Shite. I always forget to spell-check. A couple other points (I just read all the comments)... Children do not have to be all work & butt-wiping. Our kids are very funny, nice people who are fun to be around (when I'm not wiping their butts, ha ha).
I think one very important thing you may have missed is that couples should talk in fine detail about how they want to raise their kids, re: rules & such. Most people parent like their family of origin & this can creat enormous conflict if they differ. I think this has been a big complaint from the men I know.
P.S. Not all people with kids like to hang with other people with kids. In fact, I often avoid it because I can't stand more than 2 minutes talkig about kid stuff. I spend hours of intense time with my children & the last thing I want to do after they go to bed is talk about other people's children! Snore. Having separate adult, party time is so very important to being even a half-interesting individual.
I totally agree, you and your partner have to talk about alot of things, and how to raise the kids is one of them Like I said in this article:
"Really think about this before you have kids. Agree on your ideas and plans. Will you both work, can you afford for one of you not to, consider day care, and school, and what your house is going to be like, and cost. Think about no more motorcycles or vacations, or whatever sacrifices you really are going to have to make, and be on the same page with your partner."
I love that you like some adult time. I can't even count how many friends I've completely lost because once they had kids they were incapable of doing ANYTHING adult anymore. I have even had so many former friends that refused to ever get a babysitter! EVER. They would actually respond to an invitation to dinner or a party or a club outing by saying "If my kids aren't invited, I won't go." I mean, what the fuck is that?? And, I guarantee you, several of them have husbands beyond miserable.
LOL @ Snore. I may borrow that some time ;)
BTW, my best friend has 2 terrific kids, and sounds alot like you in her approach to things.
Thanks, Eve!
I am just wondering, what about married women? Aren't they also miserable. I do not have children, but I have a sister who is married and has a little boy and I know she is miserable with her husband. I know she wishes she could just run for the door.
There is a saying, that a man marries a woman hoping she will never change, and a woman marries a man, hoping that he will.
Yes, we have heard from a few women, and i have gathered so many emails from this hub that I could write a book. There are absolutely women that are miserable, like your sister. After a couple has children and their entire lives change, and they lose themselves, sometimes the woman is miserable. Just as there are some men that aren't miserable, that surrender the relationship they once had with their wives and rededicate themselves to their children.
Part of the woman's misery is that the husband is so miserable. He didn't change. He still wants his life, and doesn't like the one he's been thrust in.
Part of why she is miserable, is that he didn't change.
The husband is miserable, because she changed.
In general, it seems to be this way. The woman changes. In general, her focus changes. Her priority changes. She makes the sacrifices and adjustments she thinks she needs to make for her children.
And in general, it seems to be the man that doesn't change, that misses his freedom and money and sense of self, and the romance he once had with his wife, and feeling like he is the number one thing in her life. He misses the attention and affection, and sexuality. He misses how she used to look, how she used to dress and the things she used to talk about. He misses their vacations and his motorcycle, and his weekends and his quiet bedroom and pretty house and sleeping in on sundays.
I'm sorry about your sister. I hope you'll comment again and elaborate.
Excellent points you make in this article. If you don't want kids, and are sure of that, the time to work it out is before tying the knot. If you do want kids, be real about all that they entail. The changes in priorities, the changes in habits, the sheer cost of supporting another human being however small who is not another wage earner is enormous.
Once they are there, the time for that decision is over, and it's time for the decisions that can make the home situation livable. Or she'll move on. Sometimes it's not the man that moves on when one parent isn't committed to the kids. Sometimes a mother who knows she has enough economic potential to care for them on her own is going to leave, and find a man who's much better at fatherhood.
Fatherhood is much more than a couple of ball games or a fishing trip, or buying toys and treats. I have to brag here -- my son in law is a great dad. Airplanes, bicycles before walking, diapering, etiquette lessons -- "Can you ask nicely?" "Peeze" "There you go." Patience for the fiftieth time asking for a movie that's only on VCR when the VCR doesn't work. Cleaning up. The occasional firm swat delivered without yelling insults. It takes a lot to learn these skills, it takes a man with a heart and a mind and a lot of self discipline to apply them.
But those things are the things that make a mother look twice at a man and start seeing him as a good man. That is sexier than swanking around in trendy clothes or spending a lot of money on a meal. That's relief and lightening her load, and when she's less worried, she's going to feel more sexy and playful.
Solving money problems is something any couple faces as soon as they share finances, it's bad enough just with housemates. But not solving them inevitably makes them worse. Talk about the money and find out where it goes. A homemade tire swing in the yard may be just as much fun or more fun than the giant fancy play set from the store. Saving money and organizing finances so that what's needed is less than what's coming in and there is some extra after necessities. Spending that extra fairly among the wants of everyone in the family, including the kids, but wisely to get the most for it, is something that takes work.
Your advice about credit counseling or financial counseling is a good thing, vital to all of this, because a lot of people wind up making decisions based on expectations and ideas that bear little relation to reality. Or carry down bad habits from their birth families who had different resources and could be careless -- or even who have been in huge financial trouble. Credit counselors have a much more realistic view of resources and how to buy down debt and live within your means. That art has almost been lost in this country.
Mostly because a lot of real things get prioritized down to nothing and the phony social promises of various products and their advertising get used to stuff the mounting gap between reality and expectations. Time spent maintaining the relationship, time spent romancing has to still be on the agenda along with pulling an equal load with child care. Picking wildflowers or having the patience to listen to her day and let her vent can help.
The glue on the marriages I have seen work seems to be consideration. Not grand romantic gestures and a dozen roses, but a hundred times a day thinking of your true love's wish over your own. My grandparents were both always doing that. She'd think of the foods he liked to eat while cooking. He'd fix the gutters before she mentioned it. They were very old fashioned and their division of labor very gendered, but each in his or her own way, they showed their love in tiny tangible ways that made it easier for each other.
Today my daughter and son in law do things for each other constantly. They are much more egalitarian. "Let me take the baby's diaper." One will make off with the icky thing while the other puts the clean one on. One will make coffee for the other indiscriminately. So it's not the pattern of She Cooks and Cleans, He Works and Repairs, that's a lifestyle choice. It's that both of them are doing about 60% or 75% of the upkeep tasks on the house and the routine unglamourous side of child care -- the diaper washing and so on -- the net result of extra effort on both sides without resentment is that they keep the house a lot cleaner than I've ever seen a house with toddlers, they cut corners but never on necessities and wind up with spending money on the corners they did cut.
Money, time and attention are three things that need to be balanced, but an attitude of doing a little more than you have to for the other goes a long way toward making it work. But both have to do this. When only one -- either one -- is being that altruistic and the other just slobs off and doesn't pick up their end, you wind up with something other and ugly. Someone winds up being used.
Just some thoughts your article brought up. It's an excellent article, I hope people heed it and think about this either before choosing to have kids, or when finding a way to climb out of the emotional trap of broken expectations.
Robertsloan2,
Thanks so much for the in depth comment. I really brought additional value to the article, and gave additional insight and confirmation. I appreciate it.
Best,
V
I don't agree that children should be the #1 priority in a relationship. From what I have read, many times the fact that the children ARE the priority in a relationship is the reason relationships break apart.
I have yet to see anyone advocating the relationship FIRST and FOREMOST. One, you chose that partner and made a commitment for life. I firmly believe that many (notice, i did not say all) relationships and marriages would survive, and that infidelity would be thwarted, if people paid attention to their LIFE PARTNERS FIRST. Further, they need to be realistic about life, love, and partnerships. I think so many people get so caught up in the giddy feelings of lust that they think that is love. Love is constant action, not throbbing genitalia.
Also, I believe that if many couples work on their relationship FIRST AND FOREMOST, they'll stay the one unit they became when they got married. This is also especially important for rearing children. Parents may not always agree with each other, but then NEED to be a united front for the children. This is essentialy as guardians and providers for children. Children need this solid and stable foundation of united parents who are partners in life. Children are great manipulators. If they know they can pit mom against dad, they will.
So I'm not at all surprised that there is infidelity - for either spouse. I'm not at all surprised that people get bored (not just men, but women too). Robertsloan2 has an excellent post. Take the other person into consideration. Too many people go into marriage thinking they are getting a husband, or they are getting a wife, rather than looking at is as they are BECOMING a wife, or they are BECOMING a husband. So there's so much, "What have you done for me lately?" rather than, "What can I do for you?"
It's not just men, it's women as well. There are two people to a relationship and both are responsible for it - 100%, not 50% like so many erroneously believe. I like the expression, "If the grass is always greener on the otherside, you might need to start watering your side."
Great posts, Veronica. I have no sympathy for errant spouses (either husbands or wives) or the people they cheat with.
Wow, what a wonderful article. And all of the comments are so great too.
Seriously, my husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and we really do want to have children eventually. I think in about 2 or 3 more years. All of the information here has been so very helpful and I believe that everyone should be required to read it before they attempt procreation.
I guess we are on the right track with waiting, talking and taking each other into consideration. I told my husband about this and said that I refuse to have kids if he is not certain he can handle the enormous life change. He wants to handle it, in a few years. I appreciate how serious and harsh everyone has been. It is a good thing. My thoughts are, if we do it when we are ready and make sure that our relationship comes first, all will be on the right path. One child is all we can handle I think.
This site provides some interesting advice but bottom line- like anything else-you don't know what you don't know-there is a rush to conform and get married and then there is a rush to have children to cement the perfect relationship in a little cottage with roses growing up the door. Reality is somewhat different and I would suggest that the way kids grow up today is different to the way we were raised only a generation ago. There are more expectactions more opportunities and more distractions that you can feel you have failed if they do not have the latest gadgets or have been on the best vacations. It sometimes seems like a treadmill, on the surface it may appear that life is good but underneath it is often hollow and unrewarding. I loved it when my kids were young. I loved the stampede to the door when I put the key in the latch and the pure innocence of new human beings sitting in wonderment watching the activity of an ant's nest or pointing to a rainbow in the sky. It really makes you look at life again and the bond between parent and child undetrpinned by un conditional love was a magical time in my life. However those guys are now gone replaced by surley and demanding teenagers who are uncommunicative and just want to spend all their time with an assortment of friends (some good some bad) I find it tough and in a selfish male sort of way I am starting to look around for something for me as family life is now a series of revolving doors with people and friends just coming and going while I just drop them off and fund their activities. Affairs are tempting because affairs are sheer indulgence and escapism although I agree with a previous contributor, they always come with a heavy price to pay. Family life is starting to fragment and unless this can be reversed socirety will suffer in a future of dysfunctional people who can look no further than their own desires and when family collapses so does community. The academic research on broken families shows that children and young people do suffer when the security of marriage is shattered by one or other parent leaving the home-time may heal some wounds but the scars run deep and most selfless parents who are prepared to put their children before themselves try and work out solutions rather than bin everything. It is not easy but the rewards of raising well balanced well adjusted children - children you brought into the world- is tough to match against other life achievements. Work at it and if it it cannot be fixed despite both your best efforts-always put your children first,
Children don't come first at all! When a man cheats on his wife the whole time that they have been married because they got married for all the wrong reasons in the first place, makes sense to me because he didnt want to be there in the first place. Yeah he might love her because she gave him, his children but he dont love her enough to stay with her because he is unhappy. I wouldnt put up with my husband out all the time, disrespecting me in public, and not being there when I want him to be.There comes a point when enough is enough, right, when you are the only one holding on.
There are some people who believe you should be married and have children by your early 20's. even in the 21st centruy. What works for one generation doesn't necesasarily work for another. Couples feel pressure from would be grandparents and such.This expectation can cause trouble. Another thing. the media focuses so much attention on celebrities and their kids. They make raising kids look so easy. In reality, how many people do you know can afford a nanny or buy $1000 baby outfits whenever they want to go someplace? Come on really.
You're absolutely right, roddma.
BTW, I like that you use REAL butter in your chocolate chip cookie recipe. Very good hub!
what great brutal honesty ... thx so much Veronica.. so glad to see sumone thats direct without all the wishy washiness.. you tell it like it is and thats so refreshing.. my cuz has got it right.. retired and living in London now.. he has one of the most amazing marriages ive ever seen.. i envy their togetherness.. and this is coming from me.. one who praises and makes no apologies for my singledom.. she studies.. he travels.. thay have a only daughter who has never referred to her mom as mom.. and she is one of the most complete young woman ive ever come across.. they have total respect and encourage the other to be themselves.. take vacations together.. go crazy for each other even after years of marriage.. and keep each other on their toes.. i feel couples lack putting the effort into maintaining their marriages these days and with that comes communication breakdown... it takes two to make it work and share the burdens.. how much happier we all could be if we could be honest and loving.. great article .. thx for sharing !!
Great hub!! Children do change everything, its too bad people don't realize this BEFORE they become parents...
Your honesty is refreshing. More people should actually think about having children and what that means, instead of just going for it or "accidentally" letting it happen. It takes 2 people to have a marriage (compromise, on both sides-each person needs to give) and our society would be better if parents took responsibility before having children.
I hope this helps people on the fence about marriage and children think deeply about the wisdom contained here. I am a hairstylist and everyday I talk with people who this advice would help. There's an epidemic of selfishness and shirking responsibiliy out there. If only more people would put on their grown up pants and deal with things in a constructive manner. We'd all be better off!
StyleByCharles - Thank you! Hey you feel free to hand out the article or the link to it, to all those clients. Having or not having children is one of the biggest most important decisions of our lives. It should be entered into realistically, not automatically.
I liked your long hair article btw. Thanks for stopping by!
Many couples feel trapped because one didn't ever want kids, didn't like kids at all but got hooked into the idea by a partner whose goal is to have three or four kids, and nothing will stop her, or him.
If your potential mate is diametrically opposed to not having kids, and you love the idea of kids running around, then both should consider some of the other alternatives that won't lead to the rocky times most assuredly looming ahead.
There has never been a better time to forgo the notion of bringing more children into the world. We have seen the tip of a problem that will certainly dominate life in the years ahead. It's called shrinking resourses and global warming. It's called an anomoly in the demand supply curve. Too many seeking a commodity will cause a shortage. the price will go up. I already shudder at the cost workers are expected to pay for things, not just doo dads, but necessities, like bread and eggs, milk, rice, and flour. Gasoline will fluctuwate in price and supply, reports are that oil supplies are now on the down side of plentiful and easy to get out of the ground or ocean.
Less people can afford to drive to that $10. an hour job, even while commuters breath easier with the easing of traffic. But there is a price. Crime will rise, especially in the "good" neighborhoods, simply because that's where all the goodies are. More laborers will hustle from the street corner to move a refrigerator or mow lawns or clean toilets, what ever it takes to buy a loaf of bread. balony and a quart of milk. A lower tax base results from unemployment so that the libraries shorten already compressed hours, teachers are fired, classes consolidated. Everyone seeks a bargain at the thrift store, at WalMart, while this drives prices up for the stores who enjoy little competition.
The licensed, the professional, the lawyer are not safe from the crunch. More will find that bonuses are very slim, healthcare insurance is being cut to the bone. Pensions are reduced or shown to be unsustainable by the numbers crunchers. A decent pension, once a given in corporations and government, is no more. And nothing is being done to shore up Social Security, which is rather ironic considering how workers are threatened from every side.
The stock market is feebly limping along, hardly trusted by the majority of investors. Put your money in the bank? 1% is the pass book rate. About 7% or more under the present rate of inflation... where the cost of food and energy was ommited so that the true figure of inflation of 20% is hidden.
I have some answers so everyone can think about having lots of babies, if that is their wish. Large families may be wonderful or may be hell, either which will eventually be unleashed, for predation or for competition for jobs, to pay taxes and to get involved in community and charity work. Perhaps to become a judge of the predator and remove his presence from society.
I am personally against abortion. There are families who want and cannot have a child. The issue is not to ban everything but to question the way we do things, and to change those things that contribute to conditions that contribute to poor quality of life. Maybe a ghetto doesn't lead to crime, but what is the social good?
There are countless stories of kids, when given a chance, to contribute and to participate in the potential banquet of life. They should get an even chance.
There is a book we all know about that predicted today's travails. Mercifully, this book offers solutions and consolation for those who are willing to open their hearts and minds. Time is running out for everyone. Everything that is good and worthwhile begins with love. It is our last and only hope.
Hi, I am pressed for time (I am a SAHM) But I want to jump up and cheer for this Hub! Right on! Ever since I had my daughter, NOTHING has been the same for me or my marraige. But we knew this going in because we talked about it and used our heads before taking the plunge. (plus we each had just gotten out of mariages where our spouses cheated on us) That said...I also want to share a story (I'll just give the link) about a family in such bad shape and on the verge of divorce...they sold EVERTHING and went RVing for two years to get the family back together. (http://www.berrytrip.us/Licia's_Story.htm) Extreme, maybe....but better than adding to the satistics of another broken home.
Thanks again...when I have some time I'll come back and read more of your stuff. ;-)
Michelle
I agree with the points about accepting your responsibilities with children, but I think a big problem for men and women both is that they don't take responsibility for their own happiness. My ex left because he wasn't happy- guess what- he still isn't. I was happy with him and now I'm happy being a single momma. Too many husbands and wives expect the other person to *make them* happy. I understand there are exceptions where a spouse can make a person miserable by mistreating them or neglecting them, but if it is your responsibilities making you miserable, you need to learn to handle them or it is just going to be a different set of responsibilities making you miserable when you leave.
Well, I am new to Hubpages and this is literally the second Hub I have read. It is a great Hubpage! I agree with many of your points and as you can see people are passionate about this subject. I have been married for 15 years now and we have a lovely 14 yr. old daughter. I can testify that the union of two sexes can be very disfunctional. We don't usually know what we are doing and how to fix things that are broken. My wife and I have times where we could just walk away and feed our selfish desires. I am not sure what makes a man or woman just throw in the towel on something that they once valued sooooo much. It makes me very sad when I think of the generations of children that are brought into this world by the parents (not because the children chose to be born) and then abandoned. So many parents are willing to be part-timers because they just can't "get along". For those of you who have not yet had children, please, think about making a commitment to that child for the rest of your life and what that will mean before you plan on having children.
i think this sums up what i believe:
http://nomarriage.com/50s.html
The problem is the modern woman. The wives in the old days put their husbands before the kids. The Modern woman puts the kids and herself before the husband.
Marriage is great provided you marry the right person. Stay away from modern feminist women. Patriarchy is time tested and worked for thousands of years just fine. Matriarchy is a new animal with lots of mutations. My advise. Marry a foreign woman from a strong Patriarchal society. She will treat you well.
Very interesting comment, Jeff!
Thanks so much for your input here, and the link.
I so fully relate to this article. I did not even originally want kids.That was my Wifes decision.She threw it on me very shortly after we were married. Sometimes I wonder if that is all that she wanted to marry me for. She got pregnant three times in a row. The first two SHE planned and our third was an "accident".I love the kids but I feel bound and shackled. It sounds shallow but my wife wears moo moos around the house at night now.Not very attractive. I just spend more and more time at work which has even gotten more stressful since the marriage and the kids. But I have to spend more time there because the credit cards keep becoming maxed out and the kids need this and that, and that and this. My wife hounds me about the small pleasures I buy for myself like games and CDs even t hough I make the most of our money as she is only a babysitter. I want OUT of this hellhole of a marriage but If I take that path I may lose everything including the kids. My advice for young men is DON'T HAVE KIDS!
Wow - Jeff's a little jaded. Not all modern American women are what Jeff explains here. I am 29 and my husband is 26. We still have sex all the time and both work. I make more money than him and I still cook, clean and bake him whatever he wants. He cooks and cleans too. I know someday he will make more than me. But it is not really about that. We are waiting for him to be ready for kids. It's about respect and love. I truly wish Jeff the best.
Jeff is spot on. Marriage is misery. The site at http://nomarriage.com is pretty much true. A slightly less harsh, but chilling and well researched piece on the realities of marriage is this one...should be mandatory reading for men and women alike:
I enjoyed and agreed with www.martynemko.com and plan to be a working mother. Equality is important in a marriage. No person should ever totally depend on someone else. A lot of women are as you say here. But not everyone's marriage is misery. And I am confused. Do men want someone that will be independent and take care of things equally? Or do they want a submissive woman? The last few posts are confusing to me in that regard.
I was discussing this problem at http://revertmuslims.com/forum/index.php?showtopic
It seems to me that the solution for the 21st century is to have 3 parent families instead of 2, of course with mutual consent, where there are 2 bread-winners and 1 to stay home with the kids. Is that far-fetched?
if married men have to leave their wives in one way or another, it would be best if they'll do it 100% lie-free & just slap the truth in front of their faces. they all do deserve something better than just lame excuses.. because lies in all sorts do make them appear stupid. right?!
thank you so much, me and my husband got married in aug. 2008 and i wanted kids but now i dont want them right away, really i dont want them at all, we are young im 18 hes 21 and our life is good and i plan on keeping it that way. thank you so much :)
Your view point is quite accurate. I think that a lot of marriages are formed because of an unexpected pregnancy. Which is not the way to start or base the matrimonial union upon. Unfortunately, it is a hardship on not just the parents, but, it is also hard on the children. As hard as the strain is for you is twice as hard on the kids. It also sets up a dysfunctional platform for future relationships in your childrens lives.
This comment is to Dave who is stickig it out in a miserable marriage for the sake of the kids whow beg an beg for him to come hom everynight. I was his mistress, lover. He loveed me so much but obviously loves his kis more and refuses to allow his psycho exwife damage them more than she already has/ therefore he has cut me out of his life. We see each other in passing with very , very sad and loving love in our eyes. He just can't accept life as a part time dad and will sacrifice his own happiness for the sake of his kids who beg for his return everynight. The hard part is that I know he is completely misrable as misses me terribily but feel his is doing the right thing for his kids. I guess then were having nightmares and wetting their bed while he was gone. But the mom was taking the kids to bed with her and praying to god for daddy's return. That is messed up in itselft. How much pressure that must have put on dad. I feel so bad that he must sacrafice his own happiness for the sake of the kids wellbeing. Their mother has dropped her role and motherhood and quit her jobs to make childsupport harder for her husband. She pretty much threatened him with never seeing his kids so long as he see me and didn't move back with her to take care of them as she never did anything with the kids. He was THE DAD. THe primary takecare. They are so bonded as child and father and I think He really missed that when he left for me. He fianally said he would love his life better with me but would never be completely happy knowing his kids were suffering with outhim. SO we are a classic case of Romeo and Juliet. We plan to get together when the kids are older. Can't wait. He is the love of my life.
I have been married for 18 years now.My son is 18, daughter is 15 you do the math.However my kids are not the problem .My unattentive Husband is ! I have never been the jealous type.He plays "MUSIC" with his friends twice a week.Men talk about the way women change after they have kids, Men change once they know they HAVE you.I was fortunate enough to stay home while my children were babies but went back to work part -time as soon as they went to school.Now that they are in High-School I work two jobs and I am stashing money for the day when he finally decides to leave.When we met he was very spontaneous flowers small special gifts etc...But that all changed.I tried for years to maintain our relationship.We were living together when we got pregnant with our son , we decided to throw caution in the wind and quit using birth-control 2 months later we were pregnant.About the time when I started to show (5 months) things started to change he was no longer interested in sex .I overcame "that" thinking it wont be long and I wont be pregnant anymore.But that lack of attention was devistating I would lie next to him and cry because he wouldn't even hug me or touch my stomach to feel his baby move.I stayed thinking it was just a phase .We got married basically for income tax purposes But truth be known its more profitable to remain unwed you can get a lot of benefits if you are a single mom. Soon after my son was born I was back to my old cute self.Tanning at the salon getting my nails done 8lbs lighter than before I got pregnant and 2 cup sizes bigger.I tried to plan date nights . "I DONT WEAR HOUSECOATS" only PRETTY or occasionally "SLUTTY" nighties and only for about an hour before bed or after waking. I get dressed everyday even if its only a Tshirt and jeans.I have sat with a screaming kid in my lap and another jumping on the bed while putting on make-up and doing my hair.WOMEN we have to make time for ourselves.Being an only child I knew I wanted more than one child and I did not want to have children from two different men so I wanted to get pregnant again He went along with this and even though we only had sex about 10 times in 2 years I got pregnant with my daughter. I always knew I wanted children and knew what sacrifices would have to be made however I dont see it as sacrifices I have been tremendously rewarded with two beautiful children. I continued to pursue him romanticly but always felt like he was just doing his "duty" as a husband .He has been a GOOD DAD to our children,with some persuation I was able to get him to participate in outings with the children. Through this all his guitars and music night always took 1st priority,other than work (WHICH SOME WOULD SAY IS ADMIRABLE)but he was married to his job ,He is a skilled Laborer.I work in the service industry but my family ALWAYS comes first and have turned down jobs because of my kids and if that meant not having any "PLAY" money that week then so be it. He however was DEDICATED to the same job for 20 years ,the owner got OLD and sick eventually died his wife sold buisness and my LOYAL husband got a nice refrence.You may think this job was what enabled me to stay home with my kids NO I baby sat other peoples kids,cleaned houses KIDS IN TOW,even cut grass so that I didn't have to punch a clock.I was home everyday when he got home looking my best with dinner cooked and kids as content as kids could be.I mean that honestly I have been blessed with two very well behaved kids.Most nights he didn't even look at what I had cooked and hid in his music room.There is only so much a person can take. So for the past 7 years or so I have been filling my COFFEE CAN for that day when he finally has the guts to say I dont Love you,I have never Loved you and "I" will be free.He knows I am misrable and seems to take pride in the fact that I have stayed this long,he thinks I wont leave but the saddest day will be when both my children are on their own and "I" say I love You but now I Love me, more! I have raised my children now its my turn. My divorced friend says "I" will be lonely ,but what he(my friend) doesnt realize the loneliest Ive ever been in my life I've been lying in bed next to someone.SO HUSBANDS out there dont make the mistake of thinking all you have to do is work and pay the bills YOU my friend are wrong . I would have been happy eating peanut butter and jelly twice a week with my husband than eating those steaks alone and, wrapping his up for his lunch the next day. To answer your question NO I don't cheat ................. .....DOES he ??? The way I see it he cheated himself . To whoever has taken time to read this thanks I needed to vent. Feel free to send me an Email at hja103176@aol.com
I have been married for 18 years now.My son is 18, daughter is 15 you do the math.However my kids are not the problem .My unattentive Husband is ! I have never been the jealous type.He plays "MUSIC" with his friends twice a week.Men talk about the way women change after they have kids, Men change once they know they HAVE you.I was fortunate enough to stay home while my children were babies but went back to work part -time as soon as they went to school.Now that they are in High-School I work two jobs and I am stashing money for the day when he finally decides to leave.When we met he was very spontaneous flowers small special gifts etc...But that all changed.I tried for years to maintain our relationship.We were living together when we got pregnant with our son , we decided to throw caution in the wind and quit using birth-control 2 months later we were pregnant.About the time when I started to show (5 months) things started to change he was no longer interested in sex .I overcame "that" thinking it wont be long and I wont be pregnant anymore.But that lack of attention was devistating I would lie next to him and cry because he wouldn't even hug me or touch my stomach to feel his baby move.I stayed thinking it was just a phase .We got married basically for income tax purposes But truth be known its more profitable to remain unwed you can get a lot of benefits if you are a single mom. Soon after my son was born I was back to my old cute self.Tanning at the salon getting my nails done 8lbs lighter than before I got pregnant and 2 cup sizes bigger.I tried to plan date nights . "I DONT WEAR HOUSECOATS" only PRETTY or occasionally "SLUTTY" nighties and only for about an hour before bed or after waking. I get dressed everyday even if its only a Tshirt and jeans.I have sat with a screaming kid in my lap and another jumping on the bed while putting on make-up and doing my hair.WOMEN we have to make time for ourselves.Being an only child I knew I wanted more than one child and I did not want to have children from two different men so I wanted to get pregnant again He went along with this and even though we only had sex about 10 times in 2 years I got pregnant with my daughter. I always knew I wanted children and knew what sacrifices would have to be made however I dont see it as sacrifices I have been tremendously rewarded with two beautiful children. I continued to pursue him romanticly but always felt like he was just doing his "duty" as a husband .He has been a GOOD DAD to our children,with some persuation I was able to get him to participate in outings with the children. Through this all his guitars and music night always took 1st priority,other than work (WHICH SOME WOULD SAY IS ADMIRABLE)but he was married to his job ,He is a skilled Laborer.I work in the service industry but my family ALWAYS comes first and have turned down jobs because of my kids and if that meant not having any "PLAY" money that week then so be it. He however was DEDICATED to the same job for 20 years ,the owner got OLD and sick eventually died his wife sold buisness and my LOYAL husband got a nice refrence.You may think this job was what enabled me to stay home with my kids NO I baby sat other peoples kids,cleaned houses KIDS IN TOW,even cut grass so that I didn't have to punch a clock.I was home everyday when he got home looking my best with dinner cooked and kids as content as kids could be.I mean that honestly I have been blessed with two very well behaved kids.Most nights he didn't even look at what I had cooked and hid in his music room.There is only so much a person can take. So for the past 7 years or so I have been filling my COFFEE CAN for that day when he finally has the guts to say I dont Love you,I have never Loved you and "I" will be free.He knows I am misrable and seems to take pride in the fact that I have stayed this long,he thinks I wont leave but the saddest day will be when both my children are on their own and "I" say I love You but now I Love me, more! I have raised my children now its my turn. My divorced friend says "I" will be lonely ,but what he(my friend) doesnt realize the loneliest Ive ever been in my life I've been lying in bed next to someone.SO HUSBANDS out there dont make the mistake of thinking all you have to do is work and pay the bills YOU my friend are wrong . I would have been happy eating peanut butter and jelly twice a week with my husband than eating those steaks alone and, wrapping his up for his lunch the next day. To answer your question NO I don't cheat ................. .....DOES he ??? The way I see it he cheated himself . To whoever has taken time to read this thanks I needed to vent. Feel free to send me an Email at hja103176@aol.com
I have a couple comments. One to the original hub, and one to "Done".
1- the whole argument about kids dominating your life to me is a falsehood. Them being a priority is different from them being the controlling center of your universe. There is still time for dates, and dinner, and trips. Thats why there are babysitter sand grandparents. Either parent who forgos the attention of their spouse to "focus" on their kids, deserves to be left. Your spouse is and always should be the priority. If you have a good one, they wont expect to to choose between the two. And if you have a good one, they will SHARE the responsibility of the kids anyhow.
2- for Done: why haven't YOU left yet? You've already decided in you rmind it will happen. You are saving money for it, thus you have thought it out and plan on it. Why are you waiting and delaying the chance that you can be happy again?
I've always heard that "staying married for the kids" is wrong. Can't say I have an opinion either way. When my oldest two kids were toddlers (3 years old and 16 months old), their mom left us. I raised them on my own.
Now, they are grown and I have a new wife and a two year old baby boy, one year old princess and another on the way.
I'm gonna try it both ways and see if it's different: with two parents or with one parent. I'll get back to you in about 19 years. For now, I have the best job in the world, I am a Dad. If my co-worker (wife) gets on my nerves, I change cubicles and go outside for a while.
Dear DR Finny,
Thanks for reading,I agree that your spouse and (the two of you as a couple )should be first and thats what I tried to do for the first 12 years....
Haven't left because of the kids.It may sound silly but I know my kids would be different people today if they were able to have a "weekend dad' or what I call a Disneyland Dad this is when dad comes to get you every other weekend to sweep you off into a different world of ...NO rules ..NO discipline (Because of the guilt) then you come back to Mom who makes you Do your homework Say please and thank you,Clean your room etc..
Not to mention the financial aspect of it.My kids are functioning above grade level and both are college bound I really dont think they would have the same goals had they been raised in two homes I really think it would have been a power struggle .When the time comes and my children are both in college I will feel I have fufilled my responsabilities as a parent.THEN it will be MY time to be Happy and I will be able to live with my choices.For the time being my children bring me much pleasure and happiness.
Hi, I am married and I am unhappy with my married life cauz we dont have understanding with each other she(my wife) cant hold her anger when I talk with other gals...dats not only the things actually she has taken my personal life....actually she luvs me very much but my problem is that now I have been fallen in love with one of my friend and she also love me....and we want to marry..but she doesnt know about my past...and I dont want to loose my love and i dont want to break my wife's heart...please help me
TO NIRMA
NOT THAT I AM AN EXPERT ON MARRIGE BUT YOU PROBABLY HAD PROBLEMS BEFORE YOUR NEW LOVE INTEREST.MY ADVICE IS TO GET IN TOUCH WITH YOURSELF,YOU MAY FIND THAT YOU JUST ARENT READY TO BE THE OTHER HALF OF WHAT IT TAKES TO MAINTAIN A MARRIGE.
You are right, parents will affect kids a lot.
Goddamitt Janet! These stories are just awful! I am really shocked to read such sad stories. I really must throw it out there that you people are brave and I only wish the best for all of you.
My girlfriend and I dont have kids and dont plan any.
Jeeze I love kids, but kids are too much work. We enjoy our life. We are in love for over 10 years now, we take drugs recreationally, have sex all weekend on amphetamines, go out to see bands at the local pub whenever we feel like it, we sleep in, we take life easy, we share the workload, spend alot of time riding our bikes along the beach and canals, I have various hobbies, i have a music studio too, we visit and babysit our nephews, we never get too stressed about anything, we never have had affairs, we're together all the time and love each other.
If we had kids it would be one big fat ugly straight life that would end all the above. Kids seem like an ego trip for people who think they're so great that the world needs some more just like them, no matter how over-populated our planet gets. I love kids, and for that reason alone I dont have them. I think parants today are either brave or stupid.
Good luck everyone.. Lets hope xmas brings your family together and happiness is blessed upon you all.
Great hub! All of the reasons you've laid out here are exactly the reasons I have never had children, despite the enormous social pressure most married women are subjected to on the issue. I never wanted kids. My husband never wanted kids. We are divorced now, but sometimes I imagine what would have been different if we'd had them --- we'd probably still be stuck together, hating each other, or I'd be stuck raising children on my own. No thanks!
I also feel that most people SHOULD NOT be having children unless they have given significant thought to all of the things you talk about here. And seriously, nowadays, parenthood doesn't end at 22. It goes on forever. I am in my 40s and I moved back in with my parents for a few years while I get my own business established LOL
I'd like to first say that as a 50 year old child my parents staying together did more harm than they will ever know. My dad was an alcoholic up until six years ago, and my mother was the classic "queen of denial" enabler. My father abused my mother though out my childhood and when he was finished with her, his anger was directed as me. I got to the point that if my Dad wasn't home by 5:30 PM I knew he was sitting in a bar and I knew what kind of night it was going to be. I used to crawl out my bedroom window and stay away from the house till all the lights were out and then climb back in the window and go to sleep. Many a night if there had been a gun in the house, I would have blown my fathers brains out for the physical, mental, and emotional abuse he put my mother, myself, and my sister. Believe it or not they are still married, 50 years. He's been clean and sober for the past six years. Although I forgave him as is part of his program I can never erase the sounds and images that tortured my childhood. My parents divorced for a year when I was 10. We moved back in with my grandfather. It was the best year of my childhood. Please if your in a loveless, abusive relationship don't stay together for the kids. I still find myself angry with my mother because she when back to him and continued to expose me to the abuse. Hers and mine. Divorce hurts and leaves it's scars but it's nothing compared to the scars that I suffered by my parents staying together.
Wow! What a thought provoking HUB! And the responses are truly impressive!My bride and I have been married for 50 years, we have 7 children and 17 grandchildren. Our children have chastised us for giving them a false impression of what marriage was. When I asked what they meant - I was told that they never saw us argue or fight. I asked, "Have you ever seen our bedroom door closed?" They said "Yes, but we just thought that you were bumping ulgies." I told them that, that was the idea. That they would never know whether we were fucking or fighting." I said that their mother and I, having come from broken homes, made a pact that we would never fight in front of the children and that it would always happen be behind close doors. And there were some really vicious battles behind that closed door. And quite many fantasic loving making sessions also.
Maybe I do a HUB on the secret of having a long successful marriage.
bohica,
I'm happily married over 10 years now. Congrats on your happiness. Thanks for the comment. I guess there's 2 schools of thought on the fighting in front of the kids thing. One being to protect them from it, and one being that hiding it from them gives them a false idea of marriage and how much work it is. My parents fought in front of me (Eeesh, check my blog for my Birthday entry about my father: 12 02 2008)
http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/
I think it helped show me the realities of things, and because of it I wasn't in any rush. I was 30 when I got married, and he was absolutely the right guy. I'm glad I waited.
Your idea for a HUB on the secrets to a long successful marriage is great! You're welcome to come back and link your HUB here in the comments.
Best
Veronica
very nicely written
Not married yet, but I have read your first article covering this and this most recent one. You do an excellent job of being very forthcoming with information and very respectful of feelings (when deserved) Excellent write up - enjoyable read!
Amber90 - Thanks for reading me, and for commenting.
Everybody, check out Amber90's HUB on Safe Baby Gifts. Being someone that does not have kids, I NEVER know what to get for friends having babies. Good thoughts in that article.
Veronica, thanks for your input.
I've been with my wife for 11 yrs and married for 5+ yrs, and have fallen out of love since year one of the marriage after she basically, through words and actions, proved that whatever I did to provide a happy home was not good enough. I actually was going to tell her that we should split but during that conversation she told me she was pregnant first. I never told her what I was going to say, because I never wanted to be a runaway father or cause my wife to leave with a baby. It was not a planned pregnancy (at least not by me). Anyway I have stayed for my daughter only, but absolutely am not in love with my wife, and it's been this way for the last 4 1/2 years.
I had come to terms with this, fooling myself that I would never find the right woman even if I wanted to. However, during the last 15 months I have met "the woman of my dreams", and I do not type that lightly. I have not even let this woman know how I feel, let alone act on my feelings. That is primarily due to her also being married. I know it sounds messed up to even think about her, but being with her specifically isn't what hurts the most, because I know that's a pipe dream. Knowing her just kind of pours salt in my wound. The thought that concerns me the most is...how will I ever be a good husband and father (as good as I want to be and should be), if I'm miserable, depressed, and feel that my commitment to my daughter means that I will never be in love again?
If things honestly go wrong in a marriage with kids, is there an acceptable time for a spouse to leave?
G-24
If you aren't in love with your wife, it is the right time to leave. Be honest, be a man about it. Tell her the truth and get a divorce.
I know people who grew up in broken homes, and they are not nearly as guilty/fucked up as people I know who grew up in loveless homes where parents stayed together for the kids.
I have tackled this issue in a few HUBS. Here's one of them, different from your situation, but the advice is the same.
http://hubpages.com/hub/Should_I_Stay_in_a_Lie_of_
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. Just be honest. Don't be a chicken-shit and have an affair. Your daughter will be a much healthier, happier, stable person if you are happy and honest.
Good luck.
great hub!
Very interesting Hub!
I wish every day that I made different choices in my life. When I was young I would never have guessed that I would be a husband to a moo moo wearing stay at home Mom and father of 3 kids. I never wanted kids .The family I grew up in was disfunctional. My dad was an alcoholic who beat up on me and my mom. I wasnt a fan of my sisters kids. They annoyed me and held my sister back from any kind of successful life. Now I find myself wanting to Drink life away when Im not working 14 hours to support everybody. I am having a fling but have been able to hide it well.I work so much noone questions where I am. I love my kids but not my wife.We are too totally different people. I want out.Guys dont get married and dont have kids.
semper fi guy,
Thanks for your comment. Does it surprise you to see how many guys are in the same situation as you are?
I'd love to ask you some questions - not at all in a judging or accusing way, just in an effort to put this advice out there to people.
If you didn't want kids, why did you have them? Have you tried to talk to your wife about how miserable you are? Have you tried to fix the situation? You must have loved your wife when you married her, what happened? Did she change after she had kids? Or... what?
Thanks for your time.
Best to you
xoxo
Veronica
Veronica. Im not sure if what I felt was love when I married my wife.To be completely honest.I liked her.We had fun.We went skiing and hung out with our mutual friends.I think I was trying to be "successful" in my life. "Successful" people were mature and had a wife and a house.All that "stuff".I never wanted kids and she knew that before we got married. But after hearing her pleas on how she wanted our own little family and how lonely she was and felt the urge to mother I could not tell her to forget about it. I agreed to having a kid SOMEDAY. Well someday was about a year after we were married. She hardly gave us anytime as a couple before getting pregnant. We had our son and it was hard. Our debt got bigger,the wife got fired, friends were scarce, and she hounded me with all her might.Dont spend this....we have a baby to support now.Dont go there you need to spend time with your son. I dont know why but she wanted another baby while the baby was still a baby. She came and the stress work and debt doubled. We had a toddler and a baby and the wife got pregnant yet again. It was an "accident" she said. We couldnt afford it but it happened.Three kids back to back.Im at work all the time.Shes at home all the time.We sleep seperate and eat seperate.We only talk about the kids and by talking I mean fighting. our biggest fight is about money and sometimes sex. Divorce has been brought up plenty and I do love the kids and its been said that she WILL get EVERYTHING including sole custody of my kids.
semper fi again,
I can't even tell you how glad I am that you chose this hub to talk about your situation. Obviously you can tell from the article I've written that I was trying to warn people about exactly the situation you've wound up in. Your voice in this is certainly a resounding one, and I hope other young men that were feeling the things you felt will think twice before doing things too quickly. You worded that very well when you said you wanted to be "successful." It never amazes me how many peopel are in this situation, but it does amaze me when someone can bring a little insight like that.
You didn't exactly write in for advice. You more wrote in to share your thoughts. But I would like to offer one piece of advice. Find someone to talk to that does not have a vested interest in this in any way. A friend, a coworker, even a therapist. What you're going through is enough to drive anyone off the edge. Talking about it, especially the darkest parts of it may not seem like alot, but it just may be that life line of sanity that gets you through day by day.
Feel free to write in anytime. Anything you want to share will surely help others to think twice before fucking up their futures.
Semper Fi, I was in your shoes once.I have three kids from my ex and you describe our relationship to the fullest. I also didnt want kids but she didnt even have the decency to ask me before she got pregnant. I was so angry about the pregnancy because a family member had told me she had planned it all along. I forgave her and wanted to raise my "only" son in a nuclear family instead of a broken home. Then she got pregnant again and had twins.After the Divorce the same family member let it slip that my ex's plan had backfired.When I asked her what she meant she said that my ex had gotten pregnant again because she read somewhere that fathers with multiple children are more likely to NOT LEAVE! She brought people into this world as a way to try to trap me. Talk about SELFISH! And they call child free people selfish!? What a Joke.
Its a small world. My ex found this on the computer and called me to chew me out about putting our personal life out there. I told her "hey I didn't write my FULL name". LOL! Oh, since she wanted to make a fuss out of that.....her name is Hawnah....oh what Drama comes with Baby Mama!!!
Thumb up for gpower2!
I don't agree with the romantic unrealistic views, but let's not be too harsh either.
One of your highlighted sentences says "Once you have a kid, you are no longer the first person you get to think about. Period." Well, I realized a while ago that living my life just for myself would be futile. Now I have someone in my life that comes before myself, and I am happy this way and satisfied. It is worth.
Semper Fi,
.... grrr.
email me.
You are right. No one works on themselves or their marriages.
Why do people bring children into this world and then try to leave them behind? I just don't get the whole picture? Maybe it is because of who I am. I have always taken care of myself and the man I was with.
I have always put my son first. All of the time that I have worked he came first. I knew where he was, what he was doing, etc. Life is not a game.
Men grow up. Women take care of yourself and men do the same! Let us all be responable for our actions. If we are not look what happens to our children and to society!
Wow, I have five sons and it hasn't been shit and giggles as you stated. It has been work and tears, you want to pull your hair out...and you make mistakes...but your righ,t in the end , if you want to raise kids the right way it takes time and commitment, did I miss out on crazy men with tatoos, parties and all that stuff..no,,occasionally I had a blast thats what baby sitters are fore anyway..blame it on the women and kids, but heres a secert I want to share.....men cheat because they want too..period.. you could be the perfect woman and do everything in your power to keep your man and right out of no where they're not happy and your to blame...Look at Jen and Brad..they didnt have any kids..what was his excuse? Its called lust, any man that cheats on his wife that fails to see his weakness is a pussy..period. Admit it..you failed in the loyality department..couldnt even keep your peter in your pocket,,,why blame your wife and kids. Im sure shes wanted to stay home and change diapers..yeah right. Theres no excuses, its not the kids fault, its not the ole ball and chain..its their fault. Quit making excuses for those that lack loyality and honor...
I found this piece very, very interesting. What I didn't see fully addressed was the utter selfishness inherent in the failure of married parents who pack up and leave to, instead, roll up their sleeves and adapt. I'm finding it impossible to be at all sympathetic with men who get bored, miserable, etc. and deal with it by bailing out. I also find it incredibly frustrating the way society seems to give both a pass and a pat on the back to men who leave but fling a support check at their abandoned family. Have our standards sunk so low that all we expect of men who take vows and procreate is financial support? I am happily married to a man who, with me, will and does do anything to keep our family whole and healthy. The rarity of that reality - the apparent rarity of men with morals like my husband's - is sad.
This is an amazing hub with incredible responses.
Veronica tells it like it is. Parenting is tough! Possibly the toughest, and yet the most important job there is, but there is no training for it. No matter how severe the description that Veronica has given, it can't really encompass the reality of the stresses of parenting.
People can say, oh suck it up and do your duty. But that doesn't really help when someone is completely confused by their role as a parent and cannot relate to the situation they have found themselves in.
There are some excellent free internet articles to help moms and dads figure out what their roles are and how they can take steps to enjoy being parents. This one for starters - http://parentingmethods.suite101.com/article.cfm/e
Many others are available as well. A little research and reading will help a lot. When you find that there is actually a lot of joy in the whole process, family life can change. Men that have gotten lost in the confusion of a bad marriage and kids that they don't understand can get a grip on that and get some ideas on how to turn things around.
Great hub. Should be required reading, including the multitude of comments!
Why do people expect other people to make them happy? I could never understand that, I guess I could be happy standing in a pile of sh*t..,,now when I was younger I expected other people to make me happy..but since have grown to realise that happiness comes from within..you are responsible for your own happiness, why on earth would you give any individual that kind of power over your life. People believe changing jobs, lives and people in their life's will make them happy, usually its a temporary exterior fix for an interior problem.
I agree with your first comment that men cheat because they want to, and there is never anything about that to be proud of. No one benefits from that.
But lots of men don't come by parenting skills naturally. Lots of women are lost in the role too. Nothing wrong with getting some ideas to help. Hubpages is probably one of the fastest, best ways to get lots of ideas really quickly. Anyone can do a search on parenting. The first 10 hubs are excellent and you can click on the topic that concerns you and take a few minutes to get some ideas.
A person could go through 20 hubs in an hour and come out with some solutions to take control of a difficult family situation.
Then I would agree, quit your whining and do something constructive about the problem. There's lots of free and valuable help available.
Reading these comments I am both moved to tears and feeling that one very common scenario is missing. I know of a few very unahappy men that were trapped into marriages when their girlfriends deliberately got pregnant to hold on to them. I know two very wonderful men who "did the right thing" and married their pregnant girlfriends and had the best of intentions to make things work. One of these men was a very close friend to my ex husband and I and remains friends with both of us 25 years later. For many years, this friend and I were attracted to each other but I was married and therefore off limits sexually. He was seeing a woman but not in a committed relationship with her. His job requires him to travel a lot and was being introduced to cultural experiences and a wider world view. He was also meeting women that he found attractive but didn't want to start anything until he was completely out of the casual relationship that he was in. He was honest about everything. She deliberately got pregnant immediately. Her timing was so exact that she predicted and was correct on the due date of the baby. My friend felt honor bound and married her.
That was eight years ago. They now have two children and their lives are perfectly described here. She is only interested in her kids. She treats her husband like shit and I have seen this first hand. He makes a very good living and has provided her and the kids with a very good standard of living. HE is a devoted father and despite being miserable in his marriage he is committed to making sure his children grow up with both parents. Five years ago, my own marriage ended but thankfully we did not have children and it was quite mature and amicable. We had that difficult conversation with each other about how unhappy each of us was and we decided to salvage the friendship that the marriage had been based upon and ended things.
My friend who is miserable but committed to his kids lives in another city but visits the city that I live in for business about two or three times a year. About four years ago we during one of his visits we succumbed to a mutual attraction that we resisted for twenty years because of our commitments to our partners. We had great sex but knew an affair was morally wrong and neither of us wanted to take on the guilt etc.
A year passed and during that time he did vist and we acknowledged that we were still very much sexually attracted to each other but we wanted our long friendship to survive and not be put at risk over an affair that may not last and would not do anything to help him improve things with his wife. I gave him many tips from a woman's perspective on how to get his wife to be more attentive and for him to think about what it must be like for her to be home with two small children when he is away so much. I suggested he get a babysiter and take his wife out for a nice dinner once in a while or take her to the other countries when he must go there on business or even give her a day to herself at a spa and he would take the children. He took my advice and tried to talk to her about his feelings and what they could do to improve things between them. She would not even acknowledge that there was a problem. As far as she is concerned the fact that have a big house, two healthy kids, two cars and money in the bank, everything is just fine. I have been in their company and all she does is make snide comments about her husband to other people and belittles his interest in world affairs or music. She doesn't blink to buy expensive things for the house but flips out if he buys a few books and CDs for himself.
But, he won't leave his children. He loves them, he is very much active in their day to day lives and says he will "stick it out" with her for the sake of the kids. In the past two years I guess you could say we have started having an affair although it is really only getting together about two or three times a year for great sex and long coversations. It is not right on my part but if the wife refuses to make an effort, she can't play victim.
All to say there is this side to the reasons why some men cheat on their wives. Most of all, whatever the reason, it is always a sad situation and even though they say they are staying together for the sake of the children -- I do think they are underestimating how onto them the kids are and the kids suffer for it. If the kids are suffering from being raised in a home where there is so much tension and misery, aren't the parents defeating the purpose by staying together for the sake of the kids?
First if all, have you actually met this woman and have you talked to her? Or are you assuming that everything he says is true..everybody has a different perspective of their marriage, one person might not see a problem and the other may.
Point is he is with her because she matters to him in some small way he is commited to her, as well as those kids and dont let him sell you anything different.
Very nice topic for a discussion... Altough I think the coming of kids can change things, if you have cheated before, you eventualy will do it again with or without kids...
Geez... I have read all of the comments and although I do not have children, I wonder - what ever happened to having children and being happy? I will be 27 by the time I give birth this upcoming August and let me tell you... All these comments have only got me thinking. Is it really that bad? I fully understand that having kids changes everything but I also believe that like anything... A relationship and having a family is what you make it. I always say... It's only awkward if you make it awkward and I think that this definitely applies to this situation. I have already been married and divorced - so I know that things don't always go the way you planned and that you can't expect everything to be all pretty and pink all the time. But if there is something that I learned, is that we as individuals make what we want of our relationships. I think that one of the worse mistakes someone can do is to forget that yes we may be parents, but above all you are yourself. It's very easy to be caught in the everyday routine and not take the time to do anything for yourself. But I believe that all couples should take one or two days a month to go on a date. A lot of our friends have children and that is what they do to keep their sanity. And the same way that the guys go out with "the boys", girls should also go out with "the girls" once every two weeks. It's up to us to make time... Time won't just come up to you and say "time to hug your spouse" or "or "time to tell them you love them". Being raised by a hispanic family, I also believe that we should try to make an effort not to "let go". I have seen several women (mostly North American - now don't get me wrong - I am from New York) who have kids and all of a sudden, they don't wear anything but jogging pants and forgot that lipstick was even invented. We should want to look good for our partners and this goes both ways. If your hubby or bfriend always goes to the gym and takes care of himself and all of a sudden you have kids and all he does is gain 20 pounds and now has a belly... that might make a woman go somewhere else as well. Groing up, my mother always looked classy and beautiful no matter what. She taught me that taking care of yourself (in your own way - you don't have to have makeup on 24/7) just shows the other one that you care.
I guess that what I'm trying to come to is that if you each do your part, you should be able to get through the hard times as well. And that having kids does change everything but really it's what you make it.
If you cheat "because you have kids and are unhappy" - stop lying to yourself. The problem always goes much deeper than that and often you each have a part in the problem.
Communication is key. And as soon as you loose that - well... I think it's the beginning of the end.
Ms Gabot,
Judging by what you've shared here, I believe you and yours are going to be just fine! Exemplary, as a matter of fact.
Thanks for visiting, and adding such a terrific comment.
xo
Veronica
I hope so too! I'll let you know in a year from now :)
In response to fatactress's "happiness comes from within" that is so true in so many ways both apparent and hidden. Lucky is the person who realizes this reality early on in life. The key is not to depend on others for your happiness but to find happiness within yourself and share it with those that you love and who love you. Some dangerous pretenders take advantage of people who don't realize this reality. They give you the illusion that they will make you happy and when they get you in their trap they suck you dry. lol. They will give you a dollar's worth of happiness to feed your drug addiction and then take $100,000 worth of stuff from you. Be careful. They come in all genders and forms, both ugly and beautiful. How sad it is that the weak are so exploited in this world. In a way it is a good think life is so short, otherwise the weak would continue to live in misery for eternity in the world. haha.
I been talking to this guy and recently found out he was married and has two kids, we only been talking for like two weeks or so. I told him I don't think it's right to be involved with a married man but then later I began to think its not harmful to have a friendship but he's told me he has tried everything even therapy and his wife refuses to go. He's told me how much he loves talking to me and that I make him feel good. I think it's just a void he's trying to fill because his wife is not providing love and affection toward him. He told me he doesn't want to get a divorce because of the kids and due to the economy he wouldn't want to leave morgatge payments up to her because he knows he couldn't afford it on his own. He wants to meet me ( met him online) and we've talked on the phone a few times. I know this is more then likely wrong but then again I figure if nobody knows about it - it can't hurt. I just don't know what to do or tell him. A part of me doesn't want to deal with all the drama that could come out of it and then another part of me is wanting to take the risk?? Should I just tell him I'm having second thoughts and don't want to take this any father then a friendship??
This is an AMAZING hub! I should email this to my husband, whom I believe cheated on me and fathered 2 children with his MARRIED mistress, and possibly has more with other women he's cheated with back in the years before we got married. He thinks I don't know anything about it, and he and his whore have easily tricked her husband (his supposedly best friend) into raising them both, when he has no idea whatsoever. No one takes marriage and family seriously or respectfully any more. No one.
Men are the ones who "think" they have an option to opt out of the family thing when it gets to rough, but (most) women can't even think that way- we are ulitmately resposible for the children whatever their dad decides to do. We can't opt out of motherhood- not if we're truly responsible caring mothers, but men seem to have a back-up thought in the back of their brains that this family situation is optional and they have "choices".
I have some of these troubles myself and could be close to losing my husband, not now, but in the next few years. He has stated, and it;s apparent, that having our daughter (1 1/2 now) has ruined us. He feels as though he is competing for my attention. Worse yet, the only way I ended up getting any sleep was when I finally surrendered (she was 10 months) to her sleeping in bed with me. I was so sleep deprived that I was laid off from work because I couldn't function (2-4 non-consecutive hours sleep per night for almost a year). My husband chose to sleep in another room when she was born so it wouldn't disrupt his sleep for his work. I'm upset because he's worried about his "other" needs and I am worried about basic needs- showering, sleeping, eating. Let me add that I get no time for myself. on most days. I do take care of my body, but not my hair and make-up anymore- NO TIME. I tell my husband that I need time for myself but it falls on deaf ears- we've tried counseling, but the counselor always sides with me and my husband then ignores his/her advice.
Someday if my husband and I part, it's not like I'd be blind-sided, but it's really all about sacrifcing personal needs for children that chase men away.
The reality of children changed my entire life and marriage. Last summer, my husband and I began to seriously consider having children. Then, the reality hit me and I realized that I might not want children at all. That was followed by the epiphany that my marriage was truly troubled. I left for 6 months. I've just recently moved back in. The dynamic between me and my husband is so different now. We talk honestly, communicate constantly, and are truly "in tune" with each other. Children are the last thing on our minds right now (if ever).
I know Regret's post is 2 years old, but I hope his conversation went well. To those in trouble, don't give up! I didn't think it was possible to love my husband again; I was certain the relationship was destroyed. However, given time and true communication, we've built something I never dreamed possible. I used to roll my eyes when other hopefuls talked like this. My next hub will be about this, inspired by this hub! Thanks Veronica!
I have read alot of great comments on this hub. I found this because my wife of 10 years told me she thinks we are headed towards being an " Old Married Couple ". I love my wife and 3 year old little girl with all my heart, but men do become second fiddle to the kid. Sex goes out the door and personal time is non-exsistant. I have all but given up trying to be romantic, every time I try, it has to get planned or scheduled in at a later date. I have tried to tell her how I am feeling, even though I am not real good at explaining how I feel, and all it does is make her think I am attacking her. She is very busy and I work long hours, not by choice, when we do have time, she ends up on the phone and before you know it we just go to sleep. I don't want to get divorced and I hope she doesn't either, but I can't get her to let me know what she wants. I am very thankful for all that I have and my little girl is great, but is it wrong to have your cake and eat it too? I will continue to do all I can to make my wife happy and my daughter safe and provided for, but I sure hope there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Very well written hub .....
very much informative ......
Thank you very much for your great hub, for good advice, good wishes and support. Thanks for sharing your experience with all of us.
Well, Woo Hoo! Finally, someon that made me feel better! NOT!!! Yet another site designed to make ME(man) a bad guy! My wife and I sat down and agreed to keeping things as normal as possible when SHE decided it was time to start a family. I reluctantly followed suit, when I should have hit the street. I wake every morning wondering how to end my own life. I don't recognize US anymore. I have become nothing more than a PAYCHECK and a THREAT to my children!! "Wait until I tell your Dad".....is what my children hear and truthfully........I could care less what they do! My wife works full-time and is gone with the kids after work. When I get home, I'm alone. When she gets home she's exhausted. Thanks to children, I'm now a "Sugar Daddy/Roommate".....I carry the expenses and reap no rewards. Suicide has become my only way out. Thanks.
Regret says:
2 years ago
Thanks for emailing me this link. Long article with a lot of good ground covered. No one wants to admit the things you are pointing to in this. but you are right Veronica. This is good. When I had kids I didn't think it through. I regret everything. Now I'm stuck. I hate my life. I have been planning to leave. What do I have to lose to try to talk to her honestly about it. I am going to take this advice and give it a shot. It can't get worse, right?