One of the most pernicious of the scars associated with adultery is the one on the soul of the person involved. Even after the spouse has forgiven them, (assuming they are not psychotic or a sex addict) they often carry a heavy emotional burden. Many assume that the emotional burden is only concerning the guilt for the affair. This is not all there is. Along with the guilt associated with the affair, there are the remorseful feelings associated with the lying, violating of marriage vows, letting their spouse and family down. These are each painful in their own way.

When a spouse or partner asks for forgiveness, even when they are forgiven, their suffering is not over. The adulterer often carries the scars and burdens for many years. They violated the marriage oath made before God concerning their loyalty to the resolute spouse, they lied to themselves and others, they deceived many people and they disappointed family members and friends.

The scars associated with infidelity run deep. The throbbing pain of them reminds the adulterer of their actions, even when they have not been found out. They have to live with a conscience soiled by their acts. So if you think that forgiving them will get them off the hook, there is more to their suffering than assumed. The suffering goes on even when they may not show it. Often times they try to close the chapter on that part of their lives, which leaves them feeling incomplete and deficient. Then there is the wondering if it will happen again or if their spouse will do the same to them.

The following are a guide to help understand a way of forgiving oneself. Forgiveness like other processes takes time. There are many ways of dealing with forgiving oneself. This guide represents what I have seen as effective in most situations.

The place to begin in dealing with forgiving oneself is to acknowledge and understand the pain. On the surface this may seem pointless, as the hurting person knows they are in pain. Understanding and acknowledging the pain requires more effort than knowing that they are in pain. This step requires them to know where the pain is coming from, what kind of pain it is, and to honestly address what they did wrong along what was wrong about it.

Pain is a sensation that can teach us a lot about ourselves. Knowing what kind of pain it is can provide clues as to what needs attention. Consider some questions to help with this area: Does the pain feel like a tearing or separation? Does it feel like something stabbed you? Does the pain feel like something exploded? Does the pain make you feel lonely? Does the pain feel like you have been crushed? Depending on how you answered these questions, it will give you clues as to where to start and what your body is telling you. Pain is a protection of life. Understanding what it is telling you will help you know what you need to address. Ignoring the pain or medicating it will leave the hurting person clueless as to what the pain is about.

After the pain is addressed, it will be necessary to explore and address the issues surrounding the guilt. Experiencing guilt indicates that you did something wrong. It will be important to identify what you did wrong, and who you did wrong. You may have to identify which law, moral, standard or guideline you transgressed that led to the guilt experience. Many times guilt is associated with gastric symptoms and reactions. Rather than just ignoring those sensations, they may be letting you know something about your choices and behaviors.

Acknowledging and understanding the pain will not make the other people forgive you. It will help you in the self-forgiveness process. Before you can forgive or let go of some painful experience, you will need to fully understand what it is that you are letting go of. Trying to forgive oneself without fully understanding what they are forgiving often leads to incomplete forgiveness and continued struggles with the pain or guilt.

The next step is often a difficult challenge. Once a person knows what they need to address, then they need to address it. Since in many cases, the offense involved going against a moral or legal commandment of God, they will need to address that. This task is made even more difficult due to the many perceptions people have about God and how best to approach the matter. Prayer is often a good start. Since God already knows what was done, it will not be a surprise to bring it up. Once you acknowledge what you did, it is important to acknowledge God’s views on the matter as well.

If it is a person who you need to address, consider doing it by phone or in person. Doing it in writing or through e-mail is often disastrous. Letters and e-mail have a habit of sticking around longer than is good and of falling into the wrong hands.

What is important is that you acknowledge what you did. Acknowledge that it was wrong, and that you are seeking their forgiveness. They may or may not readily forgive you. When hurts are intense, they often want to see evidence that you have truly changed and that you are not ‘going through the motions’. Once you have asked for the forgiveness you may have to allow them time to work through the forgiveness themselves. You did not get to the point where you are immediately and they may not be their immediately either.

The hurt person often wants to see a change in heart. They may not want you back, which can occur. This is where you need to be honest. If you want forgiveness, address that. Do not ask for forgiveness when you secretly want them to take you back. Confusing the issues makes matters worse. The offended party may want to see evidence of this change in heart, rather than just talk. They may test you in some manner to see if you are ‘for real’.

What is important is having the repentant attitude and seeking the forgiveness. Even if they do not give it to you, taking that step was crucial to forgiving oneself. Accept their response, whether or not they forgave you. You may not be able to change what occurred. Your action shows that you recognize that it was wrong and that you will not do it again. Since you have made changes, it will be important that you accept the changes you have made as well. You will need to let go of the offense or offenses. Forgiveness is the process of letting go of the hurt and desire to punish, either others or yourself. Since forgiveness is a process, it will require time for the intensity of the pain to diminish.

An area where people often struggle with forgiving themselves is the area of guilt versus condemnation. Forgiveness deals with the emotional letting go. In some cases, there may have been a violation of legal codes. You may still have to deal with the legal consequences, even though the emotional issues are settled. Confusing moral/legal/emotional issues often occurs when people are in pain. As you go through the forgiveness process, you will need to separate these out.

There is also the issue of condemnation. Condemnation involves when others continue wanting to condemn you or try to make you feel eternally guilty for what occurred. If you have asked for forgiveness and this continues, then the offended party may have problems letting go of their emotional pain.