Forum Life. As We Know It.
56Forum. A Definition. And An Alternate One.
Forum: [definition] noun
A public meeting place for open discussion
Hubpages Forum: [definition]
A public arena whereby one can meet [virtually] for open discussion. And spamming. Slamming. Whamming. Naming. Shaming. Rapping. Backslapping. Fashion. Passion. Biting. Fighting. And let's not forget ... smiting.
*above sourced from dictionary.com and The Book of Frog
As I’m prone to publishing somewhat useless information, I’d though I’d round my current portfolio out with one relating to how to survive forum politics.
I think you’ll find all the following completely useless but I’m nothing if not uninformative and I like to think of myself as … consistent.
Fanning.
Fanning And Hollering
Invest in a reasonable quality fan. And no, I don’t mean the kind you pin to the walls. The air-blowing type. Plug it in. Turn it to face you. When in the forums and feeling heated – switch it on.
Have a loud hailer handy. Use it copiously when you want to heckle a fellow forum user that’s got your dander up. Of course you'll annoy your family/neighbour/environmental health dept but at least you'll have vented. And de-stressed. 'Til the next time.
Rhinos.
Toughen Up
If you’re not in possession of a thick skin – you need to fashion one.
You will need: 5 tubes of silicone sealant (double this up if you’ve eaten too many pies). 1 tub of Vaseline.
Method: Liberally spread Vaseline about your person. This stage is important. Irresponsible Vaseline spreading will cause you thick-skin shedding problems. And a trip to your local A & E Department.
Apply silicone sealant. Allow to set. You are now in possession of a make-shift thick skin. Tip: don’t cover your hands with it. That’s just plain foolish.
Airing. A Fine Art Form
Artistry And Interruptions
Learn how to air correctly. It’s a subtle art. One that many don’t possess. It would appear that's it's almost lost in the annals of time. Or maybe too many individuals are just plain anal. Whatever. You can learn how to be a confident and graceful air-artist here.
Tidy away any personal ism’s you may have. Put them in the spare sock pile or the attic. Sell them on Ebay. Rampant ism’s are always going to interrupt your forum pleasure. There's nothing worse than coitis-interruptism. Makes for horrible forumification.
Smiling. Even Dogs Can Learn This One ...
False Smile
If you lack the ability to smile, you’re going to be on the backfoot from the off. You’ll need to … pretend you can smile. Affect one – so to speak.
And here’s how to do it: Pop down your local hardware store prior to entering the forum. Buy some masking tape. Once home and armed with said tape, cut off two squares, about have an inch long. Then stick a little to each corner or your mouth.
Holding tape to skin (firmly) give it a nice firm pull up and out towards your ears. Clamp down rest of tape to skin. You are aiming to create the semblance of a smile. You are not aiming to give yourself a hernia.
So do be careful.
Acting Up. Or Is It Down?
Knowledge And Style
Brush up on the difference between ‘opinion’ and ‘opinionated’. One relates to a personal viewpoint. The other means conceited, obstinate and dogmatic. One causes open debate. The causes open hate. A big difference. Huge.
And last but not least. Sticks and stones may break your bones – but names can never hurt you. If in doubt. If unsure. If enraged beyond normal reason and yet ... you still have an overwhelming urge to post something … anything … then just use the following panic-button phrase. ‘No Comment’. Put it in italics. Underline it. Bold it. Do it with style. Say it out loud when you type it.
Just don't take any of it seriously ...
And you can always turn the computer off and go grab a beer/coffee/taxi to the local zoo. And feed bananas to the monkeys ...
Disclaimer
If you choose to take any of this seriously, that's your choice. However, I choose to extricate myself from any future law-suits and/or resulting compensation claims in case any one individual is dumb enough to really go out and buy silicone sealant and cover themselves in it. Because that would be incredibly dense.
As well as point to the fact that you probably need a little help in the common sense department.
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Bless your heart!
Yes, indeed. Wise, wisdom-y wisdom from your frogness. I second everything that those two above me said, too! :)
Wise and timely words, frogdropping. Very clever take.
Hilariously funny!!!! I couldn't stop laughing from the first paragraph!
Yep, think I got most of equipment in shed, will go and get , before entering them forums again.....lol
What?! You mean I wasn't supposed to apply the sealant?! WTF!! %$#^$#!%$#%$#
Expect a letter from my slimy lawyer within the next week.
would rather have a hunky young man in a loincloth waving a palm frond to fan me
nice hub....
lxxy - hey up and all that! First - thankyou and second ... The Book Of Frog will be in Pee Dee Frog format. Coming soon to a garage sale near you ;)
Teresa - hey! My heart is subsequently blessed and thankyou for doing said blessing :)
RooBee - 'ello Miss Pretty. What brings you to my virtual lilypad?
Lisa - thankyou. It's a bit boggy in the forum right now. We need a little light. Though not quite so much of the kind that some seem to keep drowning folks in!
Lady - I aim to sneeze. No. Squeeze. Knees. Bees I aim to ... to ... please! lol silly frog *needs to put the liquor down*
Hawke - yes! Do that. And take some wellies to cope with the bog and a garden shovel. Hand it round liberally to those that insist on digging big holes. Give them a helping hand. Daft buggers ;)
Shiba - that's two of my frogdroplets present and correct :) And don't be sending no slimy lawyers round my way. I'm way slimier.
I'm a frog ...
Cindy - *on the phone* i'm drumming one up as we speak. Tarzan do you?
Hope so - he's swinging your way. Bringing the chimp though. Hope you've got some bananas stashed :)
Brenda - thankyou ;)
Nice one Froggy. Everytime I hear the word forum mentioned, I'm immediately reminded of Frankie Howerd in 'Up Pompeii', standing there in his toga, declaring that 'a funny thing happened on the way to the forum!'
Amanda I watched that movie many times! Yes, now I will see that picture as you do when going into the forums!
Amanda - the late great Frankie Howard. Loved him and yes ... I used to watch Up Pompeii. Who do you think is our 'Frankie'? ;)
Lady - as I said to Amanda ... who is Frankie!
Hi there Lady G. I almost hesitated to leave that comment as it's quite an old film. Glad I'm not the only one who remembers it!
Froggy, perhaps that's a topic for a whole new forum thread.
Amanda - go one then. Start one up. Let's see who steps up ;)
Love the disclaimer and the video. Well said, froggy. I use the hide and seek technique. Works great.
Gross - I am NO frogdroplet - I'm a DRAGONDROPLET!
Frieda - hey :) I absolutely agree with your hide and seek tactic. Mostly I use the same. Though occasionally I use the hide and speak one!
Shiba - now shut up ye! No more of that Dragon talk! He's a bloody idiot. Smoked like a chimney last night and blamed all the damn smoke on the toaster.
There's nothing wrong with hanging out at my lilypad. I'm a lean, green smiting machine :)
Um...I think the silicone sealant warning should go at the top of the article. How am I supposed to get it off? (The sealant, I mean.)
P.S. I'm pretty sure the dog was giving treats to the lady!
Thanks for the most useful piece of advice I've yet to see regarding Forum decorum!
Perhaps we should all meet up in a bit (pick your poison: religion or poli-ticks) and engage in some "irresponsible Vaseline spreading" (absolutely my FAVE line of the whole piece -- and that's saying something, cuz I love the whole piece!).
Your are just hilarious!! I love it!
dori
Oh FD, what would we do without your wise and wonderful advice! You're a riot! :)
FD
This is even funnier than all the drama by the drama queens in the Forums! How did you manage to do that?! Um, stale coffee?! :D
You caught Kevin hanging out in the forums, right???? ;D
Christoph - you peel it off. But quality peeling relies on the fact that you did some adequate vaseline spreading ... You were an irresponsible spreader weren't you? *sighs. and shakes head*
And re the dog thing. You are? How do you know that?
MM - hey there :) Thankyou very much!
I believe misinformation to be one of my strong points. A talent if you will. And one that can't be taught. Entirely natural ... it's good to be me ;)
And yes. Seen as though things are getting down and dirty in the forums - why not get dirtier. And downer come to that ...
fortune - why thankyou! I'm a funny onion ...
Feline - howdy :) I'm a riot? You haven't phoned the law on me have you? I was having so much fun ...
Cris - stale coffee? You ought to know better than that ;) Only fresh and hot for me. And Drama Queens. A curious species. I think feet stamping, pouting and dummy spitting is an absolute. Therefore you're not one. And that's a compliment :)
Jama - the day I catch Kevin in the forum is the day I do 'Drama Queen'. Only with style. And lots of naughty words ...
I have thick skin as a walrus, but how do I get into the Wellies? Oh, yeah, vaseline, it works wonders as I once stuck a matchstick up a skeeters ass using it.
ralwus - good day to you :)
walrus typres don't wear wellies. In the same way that elephants don't wear braces. If you get what I mean ;)
Vaseline can be a weapon on mass destruction ...
Ah, our ever-wise and oft-quoted frogdropping.. another gem from the Big Book of Frog! You can say so little and say so much!
Candie - I hope the the heavens no one ever quotes me. There'd be hell to pay. And I'm thinking I'm first in line for a scorching ...
The Book Of Frog. Coming soon :)
As long as they spell my name right...I don't care what they say....take me...leave me!! And obviously I should have read this hub to the end before covering myself with this vaseline and silicone...well I guess I'm stuck here til the mailman finds me and calls 911.
R.Blue - but do of course give a full and detailed explanation of why you're covered in vaseline and silicone.
Otherwise they'll ... well ... think things ...
My luck...no mail today!!
R.Blue - there's always a silver lining.
At least you're waterproof ...
Oh, I'm here most days jus' sippin vodka and munchin marmalade-smeared brownies
Poor Blue, no mail and I hear it's not supposed to rain over his house.. Seems he's outta luck and outta silver linings!
RooBee, does Vodka go with marmalade smeared brownies?
RooBee - marmalade is one thing. But MY tater juice is another thing altogether. Cease and desist. Else you'll find yourself re-arranged ...
Candie - no it doesn't. And don't encourage her. Please ...
No...Moonshine goes with marmalade and pot brownies
LOL whoever said a frog can't be helpful?? I usually just go by the motto--"When in doubt, ask the Frog" Seems to have gotten me this far ;) *MWAH*
mmm...Moonshine, marmalade and pot brownies?? Sounds like a Saturday night!
R.Blue - and just who is making moonshine? And who keeps un-nailing you lot?
Janetta - hey :) Good Froglet you are. Hmmmmm. How well you are learning hmmmmm. *said as Yoda* :)
And it's NOT Saturday night. Not even half-way close to the weekend.
Funny, both words and images. I'll avoid the forums for now I think. I never have enough virtual time anyway :)
ethel - hey again ... ohhh don't avoid the forums. Just take note of all of my unhelpful advice and you'll be swimming with sharks with ease ;)
It's gotta be almost Saturday somewhere in the world!!
Candie - nope. Impossible. And if anyone says otherwise I'm gonna go and tell someone. Like Mr Knowles. Yes. That's what I'll do. Throw them into the forum and straight at his feet.
That should sort that out rather nicely ...
ok, so well technically it doesn't have to be Saturday for moonshine. Any day can be Moonshine Day! Although the day after will be 'What the Heck Happened Yesterday' Day :D
Moon? Did someone say moon?
I say any day with "Day" in it is valid.. Yes, Moon - Janetta did!!
xD definately a keeper this one! And oh my gawd is that really a bat hanging there in that picture? I would have pulled a runner instead of taking that picture.
very funny - great comments too - ultimately I'm with cindyvine, but the young man in the loin cloth must also provide me with penis coladas. Forums schmorums.
Oh Iphi, that was good! LOL
Janetta - I think tater juice is far better. Nice and clean, gets you steaming in no time at all and doesn't leave you with a 'whut'? feeling the day after the night before :)
Paper - yes. Moon was uttered. But I think they're talking of some horribe liquor, not a decadent and elusive fine wine ;)
Candie - don't encourage Janetta with Moon talk. It just won't do when you wake up the morra not knowing what you did where, with whom and why ... the night before ...
AIDY - Yes tis a bat. Hanging around. Airing. Bats are compulsive airers. Did you know that? Frog fact 22#
Iphi - you need to hotfoot over to Cindy's Hubpatch. PDQ. She's had Tarzan over there quite some time now. He's probably feeling a bit tired by now (especially if Blondepoet went for coffee) but you can always hope he can raise a smile ;)
ralwus - it was rather ;)
Yes, it was me--I said "Moon" Sorry paper--wasn't trying to call you out, dear :) Just discussing when to drink 'shine. I think Candie and I are going to get snockered after this.
Janetta - No snockering thankyou. It sounds ... illegal ... Go somewhere else and you can snocker to your hearts content.
your hubs always make me smile.
Janetta can snocker wi' me. You just stay there on yer lilyass, er pad, goodbye
Notorious - Thankyou :)
ralwus - I'm thinking snockering is drinking to excess. I hope you can hold your moonshine ...
Moonshine is in my blood. Grqanny was an expert at making that.
ralwus - I'm not actually sure what it is. I shall have to google it. I think it's a potent home-made liquor or beer.
Ralwus--bring it on :) we'll shine ourselves up...
Frog--think more like homemade terpentine ;)
Janetta - oh well that's alright then. You can strip paint and what have you. It's a duel fuel then ;)
Did someone say horribe liquor? I am out of vodka! Did I miss the shine? What? Janetta stripped? Painted in the buff? Must have been some good shine.
Paper - lol I think you must have missed it. As did I. And glad I did too. Seems parties are the thing to do when I'm not in view ...
For potent I prefer tequila, a little salt and lime..makes me all warm and fuzzy. I need a date for tequila tuesday next week.. anyone??
Candie - I may be up for it. But twixt now and then are several other days. And they might ... just might ... be filled with alcohol.
Maybe I'll be fit. Or maybe not.
I'll keep you posted :)
I shall be on the edge of my seat!!!
Paper Moon...shine is good for a lot of things and bad for a lot of things all at the same time....it can make you speak in "tongues"...now that's something to google froggie.
Candie ....I only drink on days that end in "y"
R. Blue - I can imagine that one of your articles will appear ;)
Hilarious!! Thank you.
Karen - lol glad you enjoyed it!
lxxy says:
7 months ago
I need to read the Book of Frog in it's entirety, when is it due out in dead tree format?
This is a most excellent addition to not only HubPages, but the internet at large.