I'll admit I don't watch television much because I think it's an unfair representation of reality. Everyone's a model, or if they're not, they have makeup artists to make them look that way. There's a laugh track to every smart ass comment, and a lesson that's always there to be learned. Don't even get me started on reality shows. That's a whole separate tirade in and of itself. But really, TV: who needs it? After all, how much more goddamned advice can Oprah give us, and how many more kids need seizures from watching Pokemon?

Not only does TV make us feel like we're not good enough, it does so in a way that's really tricky. Television skews reality so that it makes difficult things look extremely easy. Because if a pud-whacker like Bob Vila can re-haul an entire house, so can I, right? Wrong. Hey, I can have a body like Denise Austin, if I apply myself. You probably can, if you have a dietician, a personal chef and trainer, and absolutely no pesky obligations. Because scientists have proven that having children or relationships will get in the way of defining your abs.

Cooking is another thing that TV makes look retardedly easy. We get the same satisfaction watching someone make a three course meal in 22 minutes as if we had done it ourselves. Seriously, the next time you watch a cooking show, see if it doesn't bring out your creative side. It gives us motivation to create a masterpiece in the kitchen, just like they did on TV, right? Except what they don't show you is that the TV personality has an army of people doing most of the, well…pretty much everything for them. Not just the cooking, these people help the cook develop the recipe, test it, help prepare for it, and then to do all but shove the star in front of the camera. Actually, that's not so bad sometimes, unless the person being shoved in front of it is Alton Brown. Otherwise, if you can keep your eyes off of Giada Delaurentiis' rack long enough, you'll see that what she's doing takes practice and knowledge. It also takes your eyes off of the fact that she has a head like a giant melon. Seriously, her head and her boobs combined must be at least half of her weight.

But I digress. Cooking isn't all about boobs (sigh), but rather, about creating something great that everyone can enjoy. Uh, they will enjoy this, right? Damn it, why doesn't it look like the picture? Hmmm…I swear I followed the recipe. Oh well, I'm sure it tastes fine……OH GOOD LORD WHERE'S THE TRASHCAN?

Come on, fess up. We've all been there, so there's no shame admitting it. At one point in time, we've all screwed up so badly that we were afraid to even step foot in a kitchen again. A crucial step in a recipe was forgotten, or perhaps we were reaching out of our league when we bought that goat cheese. I know, I know, you're thinking: "What a femme for buying goat cheese." And to that, I'd say: "Screw you, you don't get any."

I'm sure your giant culinary turd didn't come close to anything the Stooges have done, like braising your own boot, christening it: "fillet of sole and heel." Or perhaps pumping in "four more slices" of gas into your birthday cake and then lighting the candles. These are epic failures in cooking, and just might send you to the hospital. Or at the very least, make you cough up feathers from the oven mitt disguised as a cake. But, perhaps there are some more common pitfalls that we share with the Stooges. Maybe not to the degree of awesome dipshittery displayed by the boys, but hey, we've come close. To wit, here is my list of kitchen disasters exemplified by those culinary mavericks, "The Three Stooges."

1) Become familiar with your kitchen utensils.

In real life,

If you look closely, there are a lot of pretty danged odd looking things in cooking. It's no wonder some of them look like torture devices. There are lots of sharp edges, hot appliances and open flames. I've burnt probably every part of my hands from either the oven or the stove.

Not only can it be dangerous, but if you want to make any good dish, you have to know the proper measurements as well. Doesn't seem all that hard, right? I mean, everyone knows an ounce is really just 1 cup of something, right? Oh, I'm wrong? Damn you metric system!

Anyways, it's hard to keep track of all of the gadgets that come out. Hell, I remember how much my fry-daddy opened up a whole new world for me. What a bloated, happy bastard I was.

In the Stooges' world,

I would have been a culinary genius. I know that chickens don't have hangnails, so we could have avoided the whole pliers on the wings technique of boning a chicken. Plus, most people know that if you're asking for shaved ice, it doesn't mean to dress up a block of ice and give it the Sweeney Todd treatment. It's not surprising when a moment later Curly asks it: "Say, did you have a tie on? No? Here's your lip." This horror could have been avoided if he'd known what Larry meant by shaved ice. He was just rubbing the ice's face in it by then, asking him: "Are you married, or happy?"

2) Know your ingredients.

In real life,

OK, I admit it. More than once I've mixed up salt and sugar. It's not very hard to do, especially if you keep both in containers that look a lot alike. Now that I think of it, remind me to smash those containers after this. Really, there's nothing worse than biting into say, a cookie, and tasting the lovely saltiness of the ocean wash over your taste buds. Projectile food is then, well, projectiled heartily upon the face of anyone who's near.

In the Stooges' world,

The Stooges, how should I put it, aren't too worldly. No, that's not quite right either. The Stooges are complete retards. Yeah, that's better. In fact, this is the area that they shined in their own sad stupidity. Fortunately for us, it was also hilarious to watch.

If you don't know a peanut from a pepperino, this could cause your sad racehorse to blow smoke and race like an insane, spiced-up fury. In Stooge-land, you should always check chickens for live parrots hiding inside, animating the birds and cackling at your simple asses. It's always a good idea to have some Limburger or Camembert on hand as well, just in case Curly decides to go on a rampage. I give them credit though, as they always thought the punch bowl needed more booze. I think we could have done without the Worcestershire sauce though.

Sometimes the Stooges food fetishes get downright ridiculous, like eating the shells of everything around them. Be it either banana peels, walnut shells, or even a crab shell: "I like these points. (cough)…uh, yeah, I like these points." It's a wonder these guys lived to be as old as they did, if the Stooges had indeed live in reality. I just found out recently that they didn't. Thanks for shattering a young boy's dream, jerks.

3) Don't piss off the help.

In real life,

It's always a terrible idea to piss of your waiter/waitress in any restaurant. This is probably where the Stooges have it easier than us poor saps. Who knows how many steaks have ended up on the floor before they were served, and just what would be the ratio of rib eye to snot in your third request for "medium rare."

In the Stooges' world,

The boys were way too cool to be seen in just any coffee shop. No, instead, they patronized the houses of the rich and famous. Well, sometimes to get into said houses they had to dress like orphans, or were fumigating for mice. But they were still on the who's who list of places to be. That's right; the Stooges were used to living in the lap of luxury. Jerkington may have had to catch the boys' coats as they sauntered in, but dang, he sure could make a damned fine Pate D'Fagua. Curly, showing his usual contempt for the help, would choose to squeeze Clayhammer's tamales and shoot ink from it into Moe's eye. Curly could be a jerk that way.

4) Learn some etiquette, you moron!

In real life,

I think everyone can be a slob once in a while, especially when there's no one else around. Be honest, how many times have you fried bacon in the nude? Go ahead and count, I'll wait.

While you're doing that, think of how the American family eats their dinners now. Gone are the days when, at five on the dot, we all gathered to eat and avoided talking to one another at all costs. I miss having Grandma around though. I'll especially miss her explosive diarrhea in the seat next to me.

In the Stooges' world,

Pies weren't made for eating, but for pelting the nearest heiress or diplomat with. Seltzer water was another favored weapon, but mastery of that always eluded Curly, as he always ended up shooting himself in the face. Don't ever tell Moe that you want your potatoes "mashed," or he may just smash a fist down on you, assuming you were referring to your head. In fact, it's probably a good idea to stay away from Moe at all times. That's probably the best advice available, like, anywhere. There's a reason he tells you he's going to "rip your face off." The last thing you'll probably hear will be him calling you a "featherbrained weasel" as you lose consciousness. So, to conclude, stay far away from Moe. That would be the worst, and probably the last mistake you would make in the kitchen.