Friends--How close is TOO close?
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Do your closest friends know every little thing about your life? Do they constantly give advice on important matters? Do they interfere in your relationship?
That's when friends become too close...so many times I've seen or heard about friends actually causing major problems in a marriage. A husband or wife will talk with their friends about problems with their mate, before their other half is even aware of any problem. The friend says "You need to do this", or "You can't stay in this relationship", or any number of statements. While most are well-meaning--is it really fair to give them the first option when it comes to working out problems in a marriage?
Don't get me wrong--friends can be wonderful, too, but I think there has to be a line drawn somewhere that you don't cross with them. Do they really need to know the intimate details of your relationship with your husband or wife? Of course not--that should be kept private--it's no one else's business.
If you have a problem in your marriage, or relationship--shouldn't it be resolved from within, instead of drawing an outsider into the mix? And friends are outsiders, no matter how close you are to them...they don't know your spouse as well as you do.
When you're single and unattached, it's great to have friends to confide in, and enjoy being with. My husband and I both had many friends before we met, and spent a lot of time with them. But once we got together, our friends came second. We didn't quit seeing and talking to them, but we gradually spent less and less time with them. We're still on good terms with them all, but they just aren't part of our daily lives anymore.
Obviously, our way isn't for everyone, we realize that. But it works for us--we didn't need anyone else other than each other, and our children. We didn't want anyone else being actively involved in our everyday lives...we were, and still are, each other's best friend. Only the two of us know about the private matters of our marriage--it's our business, and only ours.
We do each have a good friend, but both live many miles away from us, and we see them rarely--most of our contact with them is through the occasional phone call, or emails. We talk about our lives with them, and share good times and bad, and the two of them know us better than anyone else does, I suppose. But even at that, the lines were drawn a long time ago with them, as to what we will talk about. They realize, and respect that, and have never interfered when they shouldn't have...
They, in our eyes, are our true close friends...
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Comments
Exactly, well put.. I have several stories that fit this so well. We also go thru seasons in our lives where friendships ebb and new ones form.. as we grow personally and all other ways.. Some we keep for a lifetime.
Well said Tammy!
Erin--Thank you, and I hope whatever you're dealing with can be resolved in a positive way!
Candie--Thanks to you, too! You're right--I like what you said about friendships ebbing, and new ones forming...perfect! The close friend that I talked about is one I've know for 37 years....she's the one that I will keep for a lifetime...
Thank you...that was very well said. I feel that way myself. Our friends are many miles as well as states away. It is always great to have catch up times with them. Put our personal life stays that way even from family.
GiftedGrandma--Same with us--we're in Ohio, and our friends are in Florida and Colorado, and have been for many years. Thanks for commenting!
Friends come and friends go and some you will always keep...things change and our needs change and we learn how to get along from them all...whatever works works and what will be will be, be thankful for what you have...I am sure you are...even I am...:O) hugs
Ahh friends - you can't live with them and you can't live without them. I guess that makes them special. That said, I think that when the friendship is deep enough, things like the do's and don't's come in naturally but not talked about. Respect and mutual understanding will prevent um, conflict. Thanks for sharing Tammy! :D
I so agree with this...though I do have many dear friends I've always felt that there's a certain limit beyond which no one should want to cross. Some things are private, and there's really no need for anyone else to hear about them.
what a fantastic topic. I agree. I also agree with Cris that when it's deep enough, you don't have to say anything. I find that when friends are in the same place in life as you are, this is especially true, and it's also when the friendship becomes closer; the right things get shared and talked about. When you're not in the same place, things tend to taper off, sometimes smoother than other, and because of these very issues. Glad you wrote this. Thanks.
Thanks, everyone, for your comments! I do agree that with time, these lines get drawn naturally with most friends...
I am so glad that so many feel as we do--we've always felt like this way was right for us, and now we know we're not alone in feeling that way!
I always say as a friend we need to do one thing...Listen. If our friends are having troubles just being there for them and listening to them vent is good enough. By stepping in and giving them advice about a relationship I think is out of line, unless they are being physically abused. But even then the person involved needs to make the decision for themself. GREAT HUB!
Pachuca--Yes, listening really is important! Thanks so much for commenting!
Hey ....Curt called and wants to stop by for 6 months or so.....I said OK! This hub is perfect! :)
Thanks sweetie!
Curt...6 months....I think maybe we should have a little chat, ya think???
:) ~~hugs~~:)
I agree telling your friend everything is a receipe for disaster,
Good hub mom, I definatly agree with you. I just dont see myself ever getting too far away from friends...but who knows
Great Hub and I give it an Amen. I could not agree with you more; I do not share stuff about my marriage with my friends; it is definitely none of their business. Keep up the great Hubs! :0)
RA--Thanks for your comment--I'm glad you agree, too!
Dus(Deece)--Yeah, some day you may see why it happens, lol..
Common Thread--Thank you--I think that's great that you feel that way, too!
Enjoyed every word, TamCor...I totally agree with you on this. Fortunately, I do not have this worry about, as I chosen a more introverted aspect of living.
Aidy--Thank you, but your comment has me curious as to your introverted lifestyle...care to talk about it?
Great topic, Tammy. My best friend knows almost everything about me, and yet has never been pushy or controlling. She is very understanding, accepting, and listens--even at 3 in the morning when I'm so upset all I can do is babble without making any sense. She always has my back and supports me no matter what. We rely on each other in that capacity alot, and it's comforting to know she's there.
Thanks LM! Your friend sounds a lot like mine...for many, many years, we have helped each other through life's trials...good friends like that are so very hard to come by!
I agee completly with this hub. I have been maried for 16 yeas and have lost many friends due to them trying to cause problems. I do keep a few friends, but like you, they live a distance away. Good hub. Thanks for sharing:)
Thank you for your comment, UK...I appreciate it, and glad you can identify with the hub--it can be tough, but sometimes you have to stand firm with these "so-called" friends...
Yes they are, Tammy. I've been lucky enough to have a couple of them.
I know what you mean, Laughing Mom!
Too true - I have a couple of friends that I haven't spoken to for over a year, yet when I do, it's like no time has passed at all. Those are the kinds of friends you keep for a lifetime.
Enelle--Exactly! I'm fortunate enough to talk often to my friend in Colorado...via email...but we rarely see each other in person...same goes with my husband's closest friend, who lives in Florida..
Friends keep their noses out of certain affairs. The way it should be. Nice hub dear.
good friends are soooo hard to find, really good friends I mean.... when you have one though it is a great asset to life
Charlie--Thanks--and I feel the same way!:)
Brenda--You're right--they really are hard to find...I really appreciate mine! Thanks for your comment. :)
Great Hub,
It's up to each individual to set the parameters of a friendship. It is never a good idea to confide the most intimate details of a relationship with anyone outside the relationship. Inevitably, it comes back to bite you.
breakfastpop--Thanks for your comment--I completely agree with you!
TamCor,
You are quite welcome!
erin boote says:
6 months ago
hi. This couldn't be a more timely article personally speaking. i appreciate your thoughts on this subject, you expressed yourself very well. Too often "friends", however well-meaning they may be inject themselves into so many places in our lives where they don't belong. This ultimately leads to trouble in our relationships.