Friends: What They Are and Do We Really Need Them
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What is a friend, Really
Children who meet for the first time will often go away after 5 minutes of playing in the sandbox and say something like, "My friend, the boy/girl I was playing with just now... well I think he/she is very nice". It's funny how children like you as long as you don't hit them and you agree to play with them... those are the only requirements to be their friend. As we grow older we complicate everything with more expectations and demands. We have cutesy and sappy songs about how friends are "always" there when you need them... in good times and bad times... you can count on friends to tell you the truth and to be on your side, to never disappoint you, and say the right things all the time... blah, blah, blah.
Well I hope that we have matured enough to realize that friends, wives, husbands, girlfriends and boyfriends are many times not always there when you need them most and when they are ... they tend to sometimes say the wrong things, do the wrong things, frustrate us more than what we were before, etc... Does that mean that they are not our friends? What is a Friend?
A loose definition of a friend, "off of the top of my head", is somebody who I care about and enjoy sharing my life with. A friend is not "toxic" (one who takes advantage, and is abusive to other people). A friend is somebody who is "raw"(real) with me and I can be the same with them. In my opinion, there is a willing and voluntary exchange... through tears and laughter, anger and frustration and all of the other emotions that human beings have... a friend is more complicated than an acquaintance.
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Taken for Granted
True friends unless they are careful will take each other for granted... speaking harshly and bluntly (raw) to each other from time to time. Why would they still qualify as a friend? Because, humanity as a whole has a tendency to take for granted those that they love the most. For some reason we know that our leaning extra hard may cause them to retreat but it won't scare them away permanently. Sometimes a friend can give you the best piece of advice and we take it and the credit for having come up with it... no, not intentionally... but none the less it is done. The only way that this individual cannot be categorized as toxic is sooner or later they remember, smile and buy you a cup of coffee... no malicious intent there, just taking the relationship for granted momentarily. Does this act hurt? Yes, sometimes it does. But both individuals have to communicate and be open and honest. Friends, contrary to popular belief cannot read each other's mind. So you have to communicate and sometimes that means tears, chuckles, debating, disagreements and agreement.
mak
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Do We Need Friends?
It sounds like a lot of complications and extra drama... do I need that in my life? The short answer is, HECK NO! ... Not really... Ofcourse we do! We need every healthy relationship we can make in this life. Why? Because it enriches all of those who share in that relationship. I believe that everybody brings something to the table... that everybody has something good. When it is not shared in relationship we lose out on a fortune of knowledge, wisdom and experience. Friendship is simplistic in the sense that I don't mean to harm you and you don't mean to harm me... we realize that we need each other to survive. Newborn babies who are not touched will not thrive even though they can't talk or visually recognize you as a friend or a foe. Though we grow from the newborn baby size the need remains... I need to touch others lives and to be touch by their life... with the good, bad and ugly.
Well, I need to go call a friend and apologize... see you at the next hub.
-peace
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Comments
Hi Karen, Thanks for reading my praddle as I stumble through life. Your humor has a slight ring of sobriety right now... that's what friends are for... to take my mind off of myself! :)
-peace
Excellent hub.
Friendship. I've been blessed to have a friendship that is going into its 55th year. There were periods of years where we lost touch, but never communication, whether it was a card, note or phone call. To this day we still learn from each other.
Coincidentally? or not, her birthday is the day before mine. We are October babies. We each grew up, married and each had a daughter. Both our daughters are October babies as well, which makes October a very special month for us. Not to mention, my late mom and brother also share an October birthday.
Friendships can be work, as can any relationship. It's not just, as you mention about children, ok, they will play with me and that qualifies them as a friend. There will be many bumps along the road, but in the end, you're still there, and so is your friend.
Thanks for a very nice hub,
Trish
I really like this. It's hard to find good friends nowadays. I'm 22 and I just lost 2 friends this past week. Fortunately, they were of the 'toxic' variety. In my case, all of my good friends seem to be out of state. =/
Great hub! There's a lot there to think about.
One of the reasons that small children have fewer difficulties with friendship is that they are often quite satisfied with parallel play. They play side by side, but each of them is playing a different game, even if their games touch. Their theory of mind is not developed enough to realize that each of them is experiencing the same event quite differently. This is why they seldom feel misunderstood by a friend.
The more sophisticated our theory of mind is, the more we notice when others misunderstand us (and we them). Ironically, there are people who can read our minds, but those people are often not our friends!
Very refreshing. I for one am sick and tired of so many of the “friends” poems, stories and pass it on or you’re not a friend trash. We all need friends. We need to be needed. We need love. And an old song said it something like this; “We always hurt the one we love”. I just visited with a friend that I hung out with 40 years ago, and it was great to see him again. Recently I’ve had the rare (for me) privilege of having wonderful female friends and that too is wonderful. There is nothing quite like a true friend. Sorry to extend this reply. I like your hub. Thumbs up and Stumble. ~ eddie
Yesterday I got a phone call from a friend that I grew up with and knew since I was 5 yrs. old. We don't see a lot of each other but out of the blue she called and said she was going to come by and kidnap me for the day. I said of course, dropped everything and ran! That is a friend!
Hi Trish10458, Wowzers and Congratulations! A 55year friendship is almost as rare as a 55year marriage these days. What commitment... thanks for sharing.
Hey Starkissed - I've been collecting toxic people and cutting them loose... Here lately I've been doing a self analysis to see if I can come up with a reason why I attempt to form friendships with so many people with toxic behaviors... I'll write a hub when I come up with the answer. :) It must be pretty hard on you having your close friends far away (oxymoron? or good title for a hub?) Hang in there.
Aya. I believe that would wig me out... having a friend that can read my mind. You know it would probably be down right annoying once I got past the fact that he/she could do it.
Eddie, thanks for the stumble and the thumbs! You're right! Those emails that you get that are "form letters" that have been passed to 50 people before you see it and "unless you pass it on to about 20 people you are going to cease being my friend, die a horrible death and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits within the next 5 days" are some of the most infurriating things I get. In fact, I tell my friends if they ever send me that kind of email we are no longer friends. Thanks for reminding me.
Hi Dottie, I have to agree with you there... that is a friend! Hope you had a great day!
peace
I appreciate the fact that you are raw enough in this hub to get past all the cutesy feelings that our friends are supposed to give us. Sometimes we do have disagreements and problems with our friends, but as long as it's not a "toxic" relationship, our friends will still be the ones we care about and who care about us. Good hub! I'm curious to know your take on my friendly hub.
"Keep smilin', keep shinin'Knowin' you can always count on me, for sureThat's what friends are forFor good times and bad timesI'll be on your side forever moreThat's what friends are for"
I guess that wonderful song says it all for those of us blessed with close friendships - if your friends are 'good time' as well as 'bad time' friends, then, well, you've really got a friend!
It's true... Children don't blur their view by introducing all kinds of expectations. As long as your intentions are gooed, you are a friend. They go with their instincts, where we adults tend to rationalize everything. Interesting hub.
Hi talented_ink, thanks for stopping by and for your in put. As far as the hub http://hubpages.com/hub/FriendsSeparating-the-real it is an excellent reminder that every bond we form is not an instant (just add water and stir)... but it is important to walk through it to insure that the individual is worthy of the prized title of friendship. I enjoyed the hub very much and commented on the actual hub also.
Hey Shalini, I must admit... I do like that song.
Howdy Ananta65... I admire the simplicity of children in so many ways, I think if we take things as they come as children do (in general) we wouldn't be such a stressed out society. i.e. cry when it hurts, laugh when it is funny, ask questions when you don't understand, forgive and move on and all of this transpires in less than 15 minutes! Kids... you gotta love um!
I have found that when I go through a tough time, my friends are the ones who care enough to stay in touch. You find out really quick who they are. Good hub.
Absolutely, ceounlimited. We can learn a lot from them! They're much more forgiving than we are. You might want to check out my hub on friends too: http://hubpages.com/hub/Friends-A-different-angle
We should all be more like the kids!
Hey Market I'm glad you have true friends... there is nothing more disappointing than when you believe that you have something that you don't.
Anata65, thanks for directing my attention to your very relevant and well written hub on friendship... it just goes to show you that we can complicate the most simplistic words just to make our lives more stressful.
Hi knslms, I don't think I want a second childhood just yet... but I understand what you are saying, the same thing that others have sounded on this hub and that is... K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Sweetie? (That's the diplomatic version of that acronym.
Friends are people whom you can't always count on to be there (duh they have lives too) but whom you can count on to care. And who aren't in it just to get something. When you are rich and successful you have a lot of fake friends trying to hang on your coattails. But where do they go when you bottom out? They're the ones laughing and pointing and then forgetting you, because hanging on your coat tails didn't bring them the success they wanted.
Karen LaVelle says:
16 months ago
This is very insightful and well written! Thanks for giving me something to think about on a deeper level. Right now, I am being neglegent of any friends I still have. Perhaps friends are the answer to those moments when one gets tired of ones own self....LOL. Really good hub!
Karen LaVelle =o)