I'm Friends with my Ex Wife, & my Current Wife HATES It!
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Dear Veronica,
My ex wife and I have been divorced for ten years. We share 3 children, and see each other several times a week at the children's sporting events and activities, and at pick ups and drop offs. I get along great with my ex wife. I think we are great parents, and work together well to make sure our children are being raised with consistency. We have actually become friends in this process. I may not call her to talk about a problem at work I'm having, but if we are both at a school function, we can share a cup of coffee and a conversation very pleasantly.
My current wife is furious. She sees no reason for me to be friends with my ex. I've explained to her that I've known my ex wife for more than half my life, and that's its good for our children to see us working as a team. Yet my current wife is still furious about the situation. What are your thoughts on this?
Ron
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Dear Ron,
Well, after a few afternoon martinis, I have to tell you, I think your current wife is nuts. She is unreasonable, immature, irresponsible toward both you and your children, and she is insanely selfish. She knew you were a man with a past when she married you. She knew you had children. She should be proud of the kind of commitment you made to your children, and your ability to have worked so well with your ex wife to insure the children's best interest.
Based on the information you've given me, my thoughts are very clear.
But now I want you to think about the information you haven't given me.
Is there any chance that your current wife is picking up more then friendship and parenthood between you and your ex?
Let me ask you this: had you had an affair with your current wife prior to divorcing your first wife? Once a cheater, Ron... Your current wife may be lashing out at your friendship with your former wife, because she doesn't trust you. Have you given her any reason not to trust you? Have you cheated on her? Have you cheated with her? If you have, then she is valid in her fears.
Let me also ask you this: is your current wife considerably younger than you are? The behavior you described sounds terribly immature. This is a phenomenon that never ceases to amaze me. People are so attracted to younger partners. You could be a guy in his 40's, very attracted to some 22 year old chickie, for example. And you and this 22 year old get together and you think life is wonderful. Then, when you're 22 year old starts acting like a 22 year old, you're shocked. And appalled.
Ron, I have no idea why you and your ex got divorced or why your current wife is behaving so irrationally and immaturely. I have no way to know if your current wife is acting age appropriately or out of justified fear. I'm not accusing, or suggesting, or mocking. I'm just saying: think about the situation honestly, and try to be as honest as you can be with yourself regarding why the situation is what it is. If it really is as cut and dry as you've made it sound, then your current wife needs to consider getting some professional help.
And regardless of what becomes of your current marriage, you should be applauded for your commitment to your children's well being, and your ability to be friendly with the ex. I hope nothing changes that. You're an example to others. Good luck.
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Comments
You are now married to you current wife. You have no reason to be involved in any way with your ex. Divorce means it is over and done with. You have your visitation with your children time. You have no feelings for your new wife.
Excellent article and excellent advice. There is something really wrong with your current wife for thinking you shouldn't be friends with the mother of your children. She needs some serious therapy. (And I think her name is cheryl.)
I will say you can be a good parent to your children without being a stand in husband for your ex. I would not be too thrilled if my husband started "hanging out" just for hanging out's sake with his Ex wife. they discuss everything they need to discuss during drop off's and pick up's. Of course, his ex is still madly in love with him so maybe THAT'S the reason it would bug me. Who knows. Excessive buddying around is not necessary and if there's a history there you are treading DANGEROUS ground. Somebody may wind up with the wrong idea and then feelings will get hurt.
I have a child with my husband and him ditching me and our child to hang with his Ex wouldn't work for me. We are the custodial paretns of his two daughters from his former marriage so there would be no reason for him to have to.
I'm in a similar situation - my partner's ex still has a key to his house, they have each other over for barbecues every 2-3 weeks, they exchange birthday and Christmas presents ... and this has nothing to do with the kids, as they are grown and living lives of their own. It makes me wonder how he and I can move forward and have our own relationship, if she is still hanging around to such an extent. I think your current wife's fears need to be taken seriously.
Hi Ron,
I am so very interested to hear some of the answers to Veronica's questions ... !!!where u at? come on
I split up with my ex 8 years ago, It took 4 years of hell before we finally started getting along, The reason it took so long was because we were still blaming each other for things that went wrong in the past. Since we both found new partners some 4 years ago we began to be able to see each other as friends. I think all that happend in the past become irrelvant as where we are now matters more.
I found it extremely unhealthy for my children when we did not get along, The difference since we have been frinds is amazing, Being able to work together to bring the kids up has helped us both. It's hard for another man to come into my childrens life and expect them to take as much notice as they do there Dad, This is where working together is so much more benifical. If my children are grounded by there mum the punishment contiunues when they are with me. This gives the children a much for stable life, To which I would say is one of the most important times when children are growing up, Stability. Having both parents on the same side helps achieve this.
My current partener is still insansley jealsous and hates it that we get along so well, Where as I wish all parents could be the same after a split.My Ex's current partner found it strange at first. But now he does not see it any other way, I consider hinm a friend and I hope he sees me the same. I go the extra distance to get along with hin as I have a great respect for him. He has taken on 2 of my children and now has one of his own. My kids thinks he's great, He works very hard. As a father I could not ask for a better person to be looking after my children when Im not around. Why would i want to upset this ? it would only damage the kids. Next year Me and my 2 kids are going to Disney Land, It worked out no more expensive to take a anotheradult. So I asked my ex's partner. He cant wait to go with us.
I think people look at things wrong, My ex now has a 1 year son with her new partner, I was askedto loked after there new baby and my 2 kids while they got a night out, He could not of thanked me enough for doing this. It was then I pointed out he does this for me everyday. Not such a big thing I done really is it. I think people need to have a much more open view of how we can all work together to give the children the happiest and most stable upbringing we can. All the time they lead completely seperate lives with the Mother and Father this will never happen.
I have to add I have no will inside me to get back with my Ex and she has no will to get back with me, We are both happier with out current lives than we where together, b ut seeing the difference it made to our cildren when we got along is something that made me regret waiting 4 years before we could be friends.
Gary,
That new baby is a sibling to your children. It is so great that you babysit, and see all the children together sometimes. Your children are so very lucky to have you. What beautiful and healthy life lessons you're giving them, in everything from acceptance and tolerance, to teamwork and and maturity. So many other people in your situation would be teaching their children pettiness, jealousy, and other crippling immature emotions.
You should be applauded.
Thank you so much for sharing your story here, you're an example to everyone who visits.
I feel there is a way to co parent happy children without being tooooo chummy with the ex. I am the currently girlfriend of a divorced man with children and I would not be comfortable with a relationship between he and his ex that was not STRICTLY about the children..has nothing to do with insecurities but exes are exes for a reason...focus on the new marriage and making that a trust filled relationship
it made for great reading I have to say
I just ended 5 yr relationship where ex-wife would not let go of him, even though she has been remarried 2x after him. He spent 6 yrs single after their divorce with no other girlfriend. They got back together several times between the new husbands and it always failed. Yet they insist "we are just friends for the kids". All the marriages and breakups are not healthy for the kids. Ultimately, our relationship ended because he will not move away from ex-wife. P.S. "kids" are 25, 23, 18
I would pray that I would be friends with my ex husband if it came to that. My parents were in no way friends and it really hurt my childhood. It was a constant battle between the two on who screwed things up and who's to blame. I don't know what's truth from either of them. The current wife needs to grow up. It's really not her place since this has to do with children.
I would hope that all parents, regardless of marital status, would at least have a parenting relationship with each other. Can you imagine being a child and watching how your parents are with each other? Sure, divorce is more prevalent these days, it's easier to obtain, but once you have a child, their happiness should come first.
I've seen up close how it works, exes who are married to different people and dating others and the children are happier too, especially when they see it working with the ones they will eventually emulate.
The "new" wives should think about this, if you had a child with your current husband and it didn't work out, would you still be posting these comments?
I think it's great that people can be friends with their exs for the sake of their kids. That being said, it's not for everyone and won't work out for everyones partner. I've been divorced for a year and it was an awful relationship and she left me and te wounds are still there, one thing is that she just thinks it's like when we were seperated when something doesn't go her way she can say "forget about seeing your son he doesn't need you". I have my son 7 days out of the month (we live two and a half hours apart) and have gone over that several times for her, but she doesn't see it that way. Don't get me wrong I love my son, but it is hard for me to pay $350 a month in child support and take him almost half the time. I go to college fulltime and work part time and I'm a young kid (21), so it's just not good.
What I'm getting at is that I've told her she's just not good for me and I don't want to be friends or nice just civil, period. I pay my dues, I'm the only one who buys him clothing, I think I'm getting shafted here and she wants to be friends?
Do friends do that to one another? No, and the wounds are still too fresh and I really don't miss her so I don't understand why the problem.
Oh and how hard is it to be civil with your wife but not friends? Really, people... She might be a little immature, but at the same time if it would make her happier make a compermise, you're really going to choose your divorcee over your current wife? I'm sorry, but it's not like asking you to choose your kids over her.
This is not a new situation. Many woman (Girlfriends or wives) do feel insecure or jealous when they see that their man is friendly with his ex. But no relationship is worth it without the trust factor.
Scott says:
2 years ago
Dude, your wife is being a jerk. I hope you know that. Veronica you are so funny wondering if more was going on with this guy than he said. but i guess its possible.