My parents moved into their current house in 1961, I believe, I am sure if I am wrong I will be corrected. It cost them an astonishing twelve thousand some odd dollars. It was a relatively new neighborhood, and the neighbors they have had have been their neighbors until they have passed. They were friendly enough with everyone. When you live next door to the same people for 50 odd years it's hard not to be. How were they to know there was a monster among them.

I come from a stable home, meaning my parents are still married after 45+ years and are still, most of the time, on speaking terms. They are two of the closest people in the world to me, I mean they brought me into this world. Luck was on my side when I was born to them. They raised me as a single child, although I am not. My sister was 15, my brother 15 when I was born. By the time I was 4 both sibling had left home. you see, I was a late in life baby, as is said today, to my folks. My father was 38, my mother 36 when I was born. Medicine had advanced and my father was allowed in the birthing room for the first time.

My parents are gold to me, immeasurable in value. I owe them a great deal of gratitude because I was a hellion. But I had my reasons, which even I didn't acknowledge until I was 20 or so. Like I said they were and still are great parents. Regarless I had a pretty messed up childhood, thru no fault of theirs.

By the time I was six I was allowed to go out and play by myself, as all the neighbors were friendly. Being 6, I had no reason to doubt otherwise because my parents had no reason to doubt otherwise for that matter. One neighbor had grandson's, all around my age, and another neighbor had a daughter, who was much older than me, but had the mentality of my age, she had a brother who was more my own brothers age than mine. I would guess at that time he was probably 18. It was a trusted neighborhood. It was safe. It was established. It was a disaster.

I was roughly 6 years old when my neighbor began to be improper towards me, I did not even know what improper was at the time, and it did not end until I was almost 10 or 11, I believe. . Please forgive me, I have limited memory of this period of my life, sometimes, now good memories come back but my brain has blocked most of it, as it needed to. It began with a simple show me this or that, and progressed from there, I will not delve into details, as I feel they are unnecessary and can get quite graphic. I was made to believe "we're friends and this is what friends do". I had a six year old mind. He was a trusted friend to my parents. I truly believed it. That simple phrase has led me to make some terrible decisions in my life. One's I regret, one's I cannot take back.

When I was about 11 year old or so, and I started really noticing boys and those butterfly's in my stomach, I realize something was horribly wrong. I refused to show this or that any longer and slowly started to back away from that "friendship" with my neighbor. Although it was hard because I was good friends with his grandson, who was only a couple of years my elder. We did manage to keep in contact until I was about 17. I would occasionally go over there and visit with the grandson or hang out on the porch with him. Ours was a strictly platonic relationship, as I said he was my friend, although, at one time, I did have a bit of a crush on him. But I was always the little kid next door. No regrets.

It was around this time, possibly before, when I was "trapped" by my other neighbor, the one around my brothers age. He threatened to kill my cat. For anyone who has read my hubs you know this was not an option for me. So I silently obeyed and let what was left of my dignity get ripped out of me. As I have said, my childhood was not the normal, it was not my own, it was robbed of me by monsters, real flesh and blood monsters.

 If you remember, I stated I was told "this is what friends do". I carried that with me through out my life. That simple, stupid statement caused me more pain than any one person should be alloted. That statement caused me to be a promicious child. I already knew things that some 21 year olds didn't know. I was taught how to use sexuality as a trading point. Not only did it affect my childhood, it carried into my adult years, causing my loved ones more pain than they should be alloted. All from one stupid statement whispered in my ear as an innocent 6 year old.

As I have said, I have limited memory of this time of my life. Bits and pieces started coming back to me when I was about 19 or so, but the big realization came when I was 20. I was at work and waves of memories started to overflow me and I had a break down. I was forced to talk about it. You see, as I said I was at work, but I failed to mention my boss was also my sister. She forced me to talk about it, she forced me to tell my parents, she forced me to face it. I am forever grateful. Because in her forcing, I was forced to confront it, deal with it and move on.

Moving on was in no means a simple process. It was painful, it was heart wrenching, it was anger, it was hatred, it was confusion, it was "what did I do to deserve this", it was more than I thought I could handle. With guidance, love and patience it was handled.

I know now there is nothing a 6 year old can do to provoke inappropriate actions from adult, whether it be a neighbor, a uncle, or your father. I know that I did not deserved to be raped for the sake of a cat. But coming to know this has not been easy, it has taken me 10 long years from the "realization" to figure out this was NOT my fault, it has taken me this long to figure out that's not "what friends do". Althought the anger and hatred took longer to move past, I feel I have accomplised it. Through acceptance, reassurance, and forgiveness. Yes I said forgiveness.

For anyone who is reading this, for anyone who has gone through this, or for anyone who knows someone who is going through this I offer these words of encouragement. Be patient, healing does not happen overnight, it takes time. Accept it, you cannot go back and change things, no matter how bad you wish you could, no matter how you try to mask it, either with drugs or alcohol, it will be there until you confront it. Nasty as it is, ugly as it is remembered it must be confronted and dealt with. Find reassurance in KNOWING, it was not your fault, you were a child and you thought as a child, nothing you did should have caused this, nothing. And finally, the big one, forgiveness, first for yourself, again, it was not your fault, I cannot stress this enough. You also have to forgive your tresspasser, so to speak, or it will eat you alive. It will control you. Do not let it control you. Talk about it, write a letter to that person, mail it if you want or don't mail it, this was very theraputic for me. Just, please, don't ignore it.