Funnebone Goes Hooker Shopping on Craigslist
68I was there looking for an Elvis Lamp
I was looking around on Craigslist for a lamp that looked like Elvis when I happened upon the section formerly known as " Erotic Services". The new title is called " Adult" since the old one seemed to draw hookers and murderers. Crafty Craigslist came up with a way to curb the worlds oldest profession: call it something else. While the new , old section is supposed to be for legitimate adult services ( ya got me) and not for prositution, it is still drawing attention from law agencies throughout the country.
I had no luck finding a lamp of The King so I figured I would find another way to spend the $ 18.98 that was burning a hole in the hole in my underwear. I closed the blinds, turned the music up and dropped my shorts around my ankles and went hooker shopping on Craigslist.
When You have to be warned, it has to be good
I click on the " Adult" tab under "services" and hold my breath. I am faced with a warning screen that has about as much legitimacy as baby Anna Nicole Smith.
Discerning question #1:
This honor system approach doesn't work for R-rated movies, voting, buying cigarettes or lottery tickets, it certainly can't be expected to weed out horny teenagers. At least the guy who would sell us beer when we were 14 would point to the " You Must Be Over 21" sign before accepting my pool pass as id.
I tend not to read "Terms of Use"'s much like I ignore the fine print on loan applications, cell phone bill due dates and genital wart test results.
The children, the children...enough about the children!
I can't promise to not hold CL responsible if something happens like..oh..I don't know...a methed out hooker fillets me in a Motel 6.
A look through ' Adult Services"
I know these ads are for ( wink wink, wank wank) legitimate services but they don't seem like your ordinary gutter cleaning kind of solicitations. A stroll through the ads reveals the following actual posts:
~$~$~$~Call Karmen~$~$~$~$ (near airport)
HEY GUYS ITS KARMEN IM UP ALL NIGHT AND IM HOSTING SO DONT BE SHY GIVE ME A CALL.....305-522-^%&$
Why wouldn't I choose Karmen?
See results without voting~*~*~Welcome to Miami~*~*~ (near airport)
HEY GUYS IT MIAMI HOSTING ALL NIGHT....305-537-^%$#
What was Miami doing thirty minutes before this picture was taken?
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>>HEAVEN ON EARTH
CALL ME FOR A RELAXING TIME.
I AM SWEET AND ENERGETIC.
215-520-(*&^
ASK FOR PHILLYANGEL
What would make this ad more...more not sucky?
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''Jersi is back and better than ever''
HELLO GENTLEMEN
IF YOURE IN THE MOOD FOR A SENSUAL AND VERY SEXY THERAPEUDIC MASSAGE THEN IM YOURE GIRL
CALL ME TO SET UP AN APPIONTMENT, YOU WONT BE SORRY.
302 753 (*&^
SEXI JERSI
If Jersi is "back" what do you think she was NOT doing while she was away
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Seeking subs & sissys for training!
Goddesss Luv will teach you to know your place!
Your place is beneath my feet!
Friday & Saturday Class is in session for a few like minded boyz who needs group training!{discounted donation} Do not call Me Until You Are Ready to be in My Presence!
What is the most captivating thing about this ad?
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let rub you down
i will give you nothing short of the hottest asian experience of your life
safe, fun, with a touch of professionalism to make the whole thing smooth...
call for details, 215-^%$-((*&
What would have to happen for her chicken wing right leg to be acceptable
See results without votingI was looking for love in all the wrong places
I realized that you can buy love...a lesson I should have learned the first time
Mail order bride shopping gone wrong
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Comments
Awwwwwww you flatter me........after further review, I think I could get past the chicken wing with a beer or two, or maybe some custom made thigh highs...
an Elvis lamp?
I'm with Teresa on this. I can get you with th trousers around the ankles perving at these innocent young girls' pics, but an Elvis lamp?
Elvis was the king. How is this a mystery?
Dude, I would also like to say that the fact that this brilliant ... ok, brilliant might not be the word... but... really funny as hell hub has not become the crux of the evening's conversation PROVES that the hubspam contest has cut the heart out of the community. This is absurd. This hub should have 60 comments by now.
Oh Shit! I've been looking at the recycler this whole time! I'm a foo!
I think my favorite was the chicken wing leg. That's too funny.
My friends and I took a poll on this, and overwhelmingly decided the last girl needs to get back in the shower.
Lava lamps are easier to find. I voted with the majority 100%. Great selection. I had a hard, so to speak, time making up my mind which one to call. I narrowed it down to Jersi and Goddess Luv. Any chance of a 3-way near the freeway?
Gosh, I'm gonna be no help on any of these choices.. Was there a page 2 in the listing? Is this all we can choose from? I gotta say I was just plain horrified at the last one's skirt. I put my ad on page 3, you didn't see it?
I followed Shades over here, laughed my a$$ off, clicked thumbs up....but I just really don't know what else to say! Funny, funny, (sick), funny!
Thank You all for your kind support and insight. And to think, these are just the ladies from philly....I haven't even tapped into the jersey and delaware markets!...I would love to get a hold of Shades rolodex..I bet there are some winners in there. Teresa you are far too classy to be reading hubs written by the likes of me and read by the likes of the rest of them. Cindy, the thought of you having thoughts of my pants anywhere is encouraging,
for the record, I understand the Elvis lure. Well, sort of. Understand might not be the right word, but I live with it. Maybe I should introduce you to my husband someday.
Dineane..I don't know if you read the entire article but I was hooker shopping..I am sure your hubby is a nice guy but unless he has an in at the local massage parlor, I don't see our fit.
Think I can get that Elvis lamp for you. What's your best offer?
I persaonly wouldn't touch one of them with my velvet Elvis. hehe too hucking filarious is all I can say! good job my man
I'll sell you sections of my rolodex for 100 bucks a letter-section. 200 for "S" and "R."
Ha ha ha...This was a riot!!!! I love Craigslist!!! It's a great source of amusement. LOL!!! Great job with this!!!!
This hub is hilarious. It would have been funny anyway but (for me) the votes were the best part. Awesome .
I shudder to wonder why Karmen decided to stand on the couch for this snap. I can only imagine there was a body on the floor and she didn't want to scare away any patrons. Buyer Beware!
Nah, E Cigarette....too many cockroaches on the floor. It takes them a bit longer to come out from between the couch cushions. Time enough to get the photo.
hahaha awesome.
How funny, I have never seen anything like that in my life what a direction in which Craig's List is going. lololo :)
Thank you all for your comments. I had so much fun writing this I may make it a weekly item on my site.
yes, a weekly item please!!!!
You rock!!!
Very funny...couldn't have commented on the desperate better than you did
My wife just recently got a girl off of craigslist to give both of us a massage. It wasn't what we expected...http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Ol-Rub--Tug
Karmen is my Mom. Since you published this hub her business has tripled! With all the extra money we got our electric turned back on and she was able to refill her Valtrex perscription. Thanks!
Funniest hub I ever came across. (no pun intended)
My god that was funny. I can't wait to read more of your hubs now. My day's shot! LOL!!!
Shadesbreath says:
6 months ago
OMFG I am red-faced and choking and my daughter came in to ask me WTF so damn funny, and I had to tell decide whether to tell her and reveal (once again) that Daddy is a sicko pervert with a base and mortifying sense of humor or lie to her and make an excuse about how I was doing research on sicko perverts who write base and mortifyingly funny articles on the Internet. Sorry about that, Funnebone, but it was you or me.
Damn this is funny. ROFL at the chicken wing thing... just, rofl at the hair conditioner the make up, the english lessons... dude, god, this is classic. This will be going out via email from me to some peeps. Total hub awesomeness!