I receive several chain letters every week - mostly from friends who should know better.

Here's what I send them in return.
(It's a modified version of a letter that's all over the net)

Hello,

Thanks for your recent email chain letter, which has been doing the rounds since forever. If you're going to send me this sort of crap, at least make sure it's a bit entertaining.

Hello, my name is Eric G. I am suffering from several rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme sesquepodalia, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1,000 to you and everyone you send some email to?
If I scroll down this page and make a wish, every Playboy Bunny in the magazine'll visit me!
What a bunch of B.S.!
So, basically, this message is a big ***** to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and terrorize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to Australia by midget convicts on the Endeavour and if it makes it to the year 2026, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity in the history of the universe.

If you're going to forward me something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't give a damn!

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1:

(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
Keep Scrolling
No, really, go on and make one!!!
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
Wish something else!!!
Not that, you pervert!!
STOP!!!!
Wasn't that fun? :)
Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do.
First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be assaulted by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true!
Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
Really!!!
Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.
*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.
Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter.
You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats.
This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of B.S. So go on, reach out.
Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.
Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.
Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.
This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad jerks with nothing better to do.
So this is how it works...
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2

Mortimer Snurd, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Snurd. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.
Send it to all your friends.
FRIENDS: A friend is someone who is always at your side.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of poop, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of road apples.
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be mugged by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never be able to eat any type of food ever again!

The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.