Funny Sexy Quotes
85Laughter is one of the best aphrodisiacs so enjoy my collection of favourite sexy and funny quotes. Most of them are anonymous; some of them have been used countless times in films and greeting cards. The truth is that if a man -or a woman- can make you laugh, then you might be able to be with him for the rest of your days. Once the lust and romance have subdued what is left is someone with whom you can enjoy your life!
Great quotes About self assured women:
"Sex is like a bridge game; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." Mae West
"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part" Aimee Mullins
"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."-Sophia Loren
"I don't use my body to seduce, no. I just stand there." Ursula Andress
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be."-Brigitte Bardot
"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone.
"It is better to be looked over than overlooked" Mae West.
"I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it." Mae West
"A hard man is good to find." Mae West
"I'm into bondage. I think it's really fun, and I love playing the part of the damsel in distress. ... The feeling is amazing when someone [spanks me] right." Dita Von Teese Said marrying rocker Marilyn Manson.
If you are not in the mood:
"The Parts That aren't Hurting aren't Working."
"I Don't Remember How to Do It."
For married people:
"My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects"
"Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him." Marilyn Monroe
For the lonely:
"I'm so good in sex because I practice a lot on my own"
"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom"
"Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk"
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all"
"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women"
Software is like Sex. Its better when it is free
"Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen
Why do men wear dresses
Is an ugly man/woman who can make you laugh more attractive than a pretty man or woman who barely cracks a smile?
See results without votingAbout men:
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
"Once they call you a Latin Lover, you're in real trouble. Women expect an Oscar performance in bed." Marcello Mastroianni
About Women:
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams
"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes Benz 380L convertible." PJ O'Rourke
"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man." Mignon McLaughlin
Funny in the News
- Funny New Year quotesMalaysian Mirror31 hours ago
NEW YEAR HUMOUR The New Year may be a significant event for many people. But the absurdities of the celebration cannot escape a skeptic's mind. Here are some funny New Year quotes. What better way to start a New Year than with a hearty laugh? You can share your joy by greeting everybody with these funny New Year quotes. 1) New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to ...
- Funny New Year quotesMalaysian Mirror31 hours ago
NEW YEAR HUMOUR The New Year may be a significant event for many people. But the absurdities of the celebration cannot escape a skeptic's mind. Here are some funny New Year quotes. What better way to start a New Year than with a hearty Read more...
- Carrey threw himself down stairs to prove he's funnyMalaysiaNews.net25 hours ago
London, Jan 1 (IANS) Hollywood funny man Jim Carrey has revealed that he used to throw himself down staircase during Christmas to prove to his family that he was funny.
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Do not know yet the secret of being sexy?
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Silly questions:
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel? - Billy Connolly
Only for clever, mathematically minded people:
"The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant." I must admit, that I still do not get this one, but I thought I would include it anyway to see if any of you do!
Only for literature lovers:
"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."-William Shakespeare
"Were kisses all the joys in bed, one woman would another wed." Shakespeare
For history lovers:
"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me."-Bette Midler
Funny and sexy paper advert
Great quotes About Sex
"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
"Sex is just like hacking. You get in, you get out. And you pray you left nothing behind"
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant."-Henry Miller
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy." Steve Martin
"Having sex can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner"
"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." Woody Allen
"The psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty and I said, 'It is if you're doing it right.'" -Woody Allen
"In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact". Marlene Dietrich
The Simpsons
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More hubs and funny quotes:
- 50 Funny Quotes: Homer Simpson
Operator! Give me the number for 911! Oh, so they have internet on computers now! Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love! Just because I don't care... - Inspirational and Amusing Quotes on Women
A list of inspirational and amusing quotes about women from a variety of sources. - Funny celebrity quotes
"- Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields -
SAFE SEX CONDOM SPOT
About unforgettable experiences:
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady)
For smokers:
"The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette."
"If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.", Woody Allen
Life quotes:
"Life is like Tango... sad, sensual, sexy, violent and quiet."
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Quote Junkie: Greek And Roman Edition: An Interesting Collection Of Quotes From The Greatest Greek And Roman Philosophers And Leaders
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Sight Test: Can you see the naked girl in the last line?
- How to striptease
This is dedicated to all the playful lovers who wish to spice their intimate life. To all women in their 30s and 40s who want to try something new to spice up their relationship.
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Comments
Christoph: thanks for the tip on Groucho, I'll update the author ASAP. Come back if you remember any other funny-sexy quote ;-)
Dubai? Is that an "Indecent proposal"?
I totally enjoyed every single bits and pieces of this hub Ms Princessa till i went up again and gave it another read. Just could not get enough of it. The quotes i mean... really!!! My favourite is "Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone
and my fav video was the CSI Miami ad which was in the tube of the Funny and sexy paper video among the other videos. Its 7.30am in Singapore and you totally brightened my morning. A big (((hug))) and a big :=@kiss for you. Thank you so much. Here is one from me.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.:=)
I love those Robin Williams quotes! Great hub!
I can't see the naked girl. :(
Even with my glasses. ;)
Great hub Princessa, you made me laugh from top to bottom.
Misha, uma boa visão é fundamental! (transl. - a good vision is critical!) :p
This was one of my favorite ones:
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all"
Entertaining hub! Â
Very interesting and funny
Ashwinspga: Thanks for the kiss and hug. “A hug is like a boomerang - you get it back right away.” .
Isabella: Nice to "see" you again. Here is another Robin Williams quote I like: “You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”
Misha: Did you hear the one about the man who went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."
Funride: Did you see the naked girl?
Violet: That reminds me that "All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!"
Fishskinfreak: glad to put a smile on your face :)
LOL That's a nice one Wendy. :)
Well, at least I can tell the women if I see one :P
Misha: at least you are in luck "The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think." Big hug :)
LOL again... in fact I haven´t really saw her but I did imagine her in my mind :D . And you know what they say "A good imagination it´s also critical!" :P
My favorite quote comes from the briefly popular show, Sledge Hammer, that ran in the mid-eighties as a spoof to Mickey Spilain's "Mike Hammer." Good old Sledge said, "Women... you can't live with 'em, and you can't live with em." He commenced to cleaning his gun. No truer statement has ever been uttered.
Excellent, an sbsolute laugh. Barbara Bush's statement on Clinton is still my favourite truism.
funride: “Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
Shadesbreath: I like your quote and if needed we can change "women" for "men" ;-)
Just_Rodney: Talking about truisms, I couldn't resist quoting Monica Lewinsky: "I voted Republican this year; the Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth. "
A great hub, Princessa! And of course I was pleased to see two Dutch videos :)
Ananta65: You see... I was thinking about you :)
Truly enjoyable and funny.
I love these quotes. Very very funny! Thanks!
Reagu: "If someone had told me years ago that sharing a sense of humour was so vital to partnerships, I could have avoided a lot of sex". (Kate Beckinsale)... Thankfully, no one told me ;-)
Ananta65: so maybe Mae west was right after all when she said: "When women go wrong, men go right after them" ;-)
Karlyn: Really, sex and laughter do go very well together, and I wondered - and I still do - which is more important.
I yes, our sense of direction, our dowsing rod is located below the waist :)
Too true Princessa I think you are right, all that rich Whitehouse food!
:) I really had fun reading your hub. I love it. Thumb's up for you!
Ananta65: talking about direction... "Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles." (Roseanne Barr)
Just Rodney: maybe she was thinking that she didn't fight her way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
betherickson: thanks, I never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway!
Hi Princessa, I liked a number of quotes here, but the words in the picture below are the best I have read....keep the quotes and jokes coming...
jennydasinga: Like Bernard Shaw said “My way of joking is telling the truth; that is the funniest joke in the world”
I couldn't see any girl with clothes on. Have I passed the eye sight test?
Benson: "You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." (Mark Twain)
Come on! What's not to get? "The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant." Get a boy friend and ask or just think about it!
MXMan: " Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men." (Joseph Conrad) ;-)
Great Hub
shipsuperstore: like Muhammad Ali said "When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble." LOL
call me blue_tiger32@hotmail.com u are really sooooooo beautiful.....
real32586: beautiful? Beauty is the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. (Ambrose Bierce)
That was so funny :)
good quotes
lmao! I loved Wody Allens "If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast." soo funny!
Gutted was trying to get in the rec books for the biggest pancake but had to give up we could'nt find a big enough tosser haha
had no idea robert deniro had a quote like that... And why can't the eye test start backwards? it should start with the no dress and then gets dressed on the tiny part. lol
In our country not live without humor, it's a fact. Moreover, if you want to live with a woman. We say - a woman - this is the suitcase without a handle, hard to bear, and throw a pity ...
This is a pretty amazing collection of quotes, from all across the board. I enjoyed it, thanks for posting.
Hola princess!
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. ~ Abraham Lincoln
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise. ~ Robert Heinlein
Oh Princessa, I love these quotes and do have to say I was laughing hard as some of these are hysterical I am so glad that you wrote about this, thanks for the laughs. :)
That quote for the objection was hilliarious!
The wife was a sex object. Every time he asked for sex, she objects!
Thanks for your comments and quotes guys, you rock :)
i think this is some of the funniest shit i ever seen in my life.....lol
Guys get wat they want (sex) as long as the Girl gets some thing in return !!!!
Reallyyyy
Like Itzzzz
Christoph Reilly says:
16 months ago
Yea! I love quotes! Very funny! Often, the ones that ring of truth are the funniest. Just a note, I love Groucho quotes. The one "I had a wonderful evening, this wasn't it," was Groucho Marx to a hostess upon leaving her party.
"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." - Woody Allen
Thanks for the great hub, Princessa. Should I move to Dubai?