Funny and Bizarre Epitaphs
87
Quoted here are some of the funniest and most bizarre epitaphs I have come across. I am sure they will make you smile too, and I would love to hear of any others you may know of.
Name and Date Unknown
Here lies a lewd Fellow, who, while he drew Breath,
In the Midst of his Life was in Quest of his Death;
Which he quickly obtain'd for it cost him his Life,
For being in Bed with another Man's Wife.
William Simmonds (1673-1753)
Here lies my corpse who was the man
That lov'd a sop in dripping pan
But now believe me I am dead
Now here the pan stands at my head
Still for sop to the last I cry'd
But could not eat and so I died
My neighbours they perhaps may laugh
When they do read my epitaph.
Nicholas Toke (18th Century)
He married five wives
Whom he survived.
At the age of 93 he walked to London
to seek a sixth but died before he found her.
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Remember Me When I'm Gone: The Rich and Famous Write Their Own Epitaphs and Obituaries
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Name and Dates Unknown
Since thy third curing of the French infection,
Priapus hath in thee found no erection,
yet eat'st thou ringoes and potato roots
And caviar, but it little boots.
Besides the bed's head a bottle's lately found
Of liquor that a quart cost twenty pound:
For shame, if not more grace, yet shew more wit
Surcease now sin leaves thee to follow it.
Some smile, I sigh, to see thy madness such
That that which stands not, stands thee in so much.
John Gill (dates unknown)
Beneath this smooth stone by the bone of his bone
Sleeps Master John Gill;
By lies when alive this attorney did thrive,
And now that he's dead he lies still.
Mr Pricke (dates unknown)
Upon the fifth day of November
Christ's College lost a privy member;
Cupid and death did both their arrows nick,
Cupid shot short, but death did hit the prick;
Women lament and maidens make great moans,
Because the prick is laid beneath the stones.
Emily White (20th Century)
Here lies the body of Emily White,
She signalled left, and then turned right.
W.C. Fields (1880-1946)
Here lies W.C. Fields.
On the whole I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
Here lies Groucho Marx
and Lies and Lies and Lies
P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.
Jonathan Grober (dates unknown)
Jonathan Grober
Died dead sober.
Lord thy wonders never cease.
Martha Dias (1730-1800)
Here lies the body of Martha Dias,
Who was always uneasy and not over pious,
She liv'd to the age of threescore and ten,
And gave that to the worms she refus'd to the men.
Mike O'Day (dates unknown)
This is the grave of Mike O'Day
Who died maintaining his right of way.
His right was clear, his will was strong.
But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.
Delia (16th Century)
Here Delia's buried at fourscore;
When young, a lewd rapacious Whore,
Vain and expensive; but when old,
A pious, sordid, drunken Scold.
Name Unknown (18th Century)
Here lies my poor wife, much lamented,
She is happy and I am contented.
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Lord Coningsby (18th Century)
Here lies Lord Coningsby - be civil,
The rest God knows - so does the Devil.
Sir John Strange (1696-1754)
Here lies an honest lawyer, -
That is Strange.
Wallace Ford (1897-1966) British Actor
At last I get top billing.
Dr Keene (18th Century)
Here lies Dr Keene, the good Bishop of Chester,
Who eat up a fat goose, but could not digest her.
Viscount Castlereagh (1769-1822)
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this:
Here lies the bones of Castlereagh:
Stop, traveller, and piss.
Frederick Louis, Prince of Wales (1707-51) Eldest Son of George II
Here lies Fred
Who was alive and is dead:
Had it been his father,
I had much rather;
Had it been his brother,
Still better than another;
Had it been his sister,
No-one would have missed her;
Had it been the whole generation,
So much better for the nation.
But since 'tis only Fred,
Who was alive and is dead,
There's no more to be said.
Dr Chard (19th Century)
Here lies the corpse of Doctor Chard,
Who fill'd half of this churchyard.
John Edwards (died 1904)
John Edwards who perished in a fire
None could hold a candle to him.
Unknown Vicar (18th Century)
He was literally a father to all the children of the parish.
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Name Unknown (died 1701)
Here lie I and my three daughters,
All from drinking the Cheltenham waters.
While if we had kept to the Epsom salts,
We should not now be in these here vaults.
Name Unknown (19th Century)
Here lies my dear wife, a sad slattern and a shrew.
If I said I regretted her, I should lie too.
Elizabeth Charlotte (dates unknown)
Here lie the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot.
She was aye a virgin at seventeen
A remarkable thing in Aberdeen.
John Macfarlane (dates unknown)
Erected to the memory of
John Macfarlane
Drowned in the Waters of Leith
By a few affectionate friends.
John Brown (18th Century) Dentist
Stranger! Approach this spot with gravity!
John Brown is filling his lasy cavity.
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Jemima Jones (died 1803)
This is the last long resting place
Of Aunt Jemima Jones
Her soul ascended into space
Amidst our tears and groans
She was not pleasing to the eye
Nor had she any brain
And when she talked twas through her nose
Which gave her friends much pain
But still we feel that she was worth
The money that was spent
upon the coffin, hearse and stone
(The funeral plumes were lent).
And So
I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did, and will made allowances for some of the strange punctuation that was used in the older epitaphs.
If you have any of your own examples please share them in the comments section below.
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Comments
Thanks Christoph, I would kind of like to leave the world laughing rather than crying too.
A famous one from Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, AZ:
Here Lies Lester Moore
Shot 4 times with a .44
No Less
No More
Great example and thanks Rochelle.
it makes me laugh..though shall i say..may them R.I.P
:D
Thanks for commenting Mary, glad they made you laugh too :)
LOL They're all very funny and witty. My favorite is John Gill's epitaph. :)
Thanks Om Paramapoonya, that is one of my favourites too :)
Hilarious. Another great one:
"Here Lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising."
Brilliant KDorfman, thanks for posting it here :)
They're are very funny. I can't stop laughing... poor ones:D
Thanks Starscream, glad you enjoyed them and they made you laugh too :)
These are very funny Misty. My favorite is also that of John Gill.
Thanks Gwendymom, there are so many good ones it is hard to choose a favourite, but I do love the John Gill one I must admit :)
Those were great! I almost fell off my chair laughin so hard! Great hub.
I've got tears in my eyes, and not from grief. Thanks for the laughs!
I sort of remember one about Jonathan Pease:
Here lies Jonathan Pease
His soul is not here, only his pod
Pease hath shelled out and gone home to God.
Thanks Misty Magick, laughing is so theraputic, and these epitaphs always make me chuckle.
Thanks to you too siu-wai, really pleased these made you laugh too. I love the Jonathan Pease one, hilarious :)
This was a great hub! I don't know why, but seeing people have a sense of humor on their gravestones makes me feel better about life. Is that strange?
Anyway, great work!
Thanks jdeschene, glad you enjoyed it. I think it would be far nicer to leave people laughing than crying :)
Hysterical!
Thanks nightcats, pleased you laughed too :)
LOL!! I still like the first one the best...I told you I was sick! Headstones are fascinating...they give us a glimpse of what people of the past were really like.
Thank you for a very interesting hub!
Thanks magnoliazz, glad you liked it :)
my mom loved this.
Thanks jlinsat, glad she did, hope you did too :)
LOL.. This is so hilarious. I really enjoyed. :)
I have been searching epitaphs all night for an upcoming halloween party!thought id give you what ive found btw thanx i loved them!!
Death in the West
Here lies Lester Moore.
Four slugs
From a forty-four.
No Les
No More.
Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake
Here lays Butch.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw
Here lies a man named Zeke.
Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek
Here lies the body
Of Margaret Bent
She kicked up her heels
And away she went.
On Ezekiel Pease:
Pease is not here,
Only his pod
He shelled out his Peas
And went to his God
Here lies the body
of John Round.
Lost at sea
and never found.
Belturbet, Ireland
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
December 8, 1767
London, England
Here lies the father of 29.
He would have had more
But he didn't have time.
Here beneath this stone we lie
Back to back my wife and I
And when the angels trump shall trill
If she gets up then I'll lie still!
Here lies Pa.
Pa liked wimin.
Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.
Here lies Pa.
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.Edgar Oscar Earl - England
Beneath this grassyMound now restsOne Edgar Oscar Earl,Who to anotherHunter lookedExactly like a squirrel.
susan tomkins here she liesnobody laughs and nobody cryswhere shes gone or how she faresnobody knows and nobody cares
Here lies the body of Emily White,
She signalled left, and then turned right
Thanks Beth I loved them too :)
Thanks angelface, these are brilliant additions to my collection. :)
I got this epitaph from a headstone in a graveyard that I lived down the road from and it really stuck with me over the years.
As you are now, I once was. As I am now, you shall be. So prepare for death and follow me.
kinda creepy but I "stole" it in high school and got an A in english lit for the best epitaph. LOL
Very good thanks for posting it here kaydee :)
Misty good for a giggle.
“Here lies my Wife
in Earthy Mold
Who when she Died
and naught but Scold
Good Friends go softly in your walking
Lest she should Wake
and Rise up Talking”
Check this one:
http://lh4.google.com/bspcn.com/R5Dcu7DUqQI/AAAAAA
And this one was perhaps a hubber?
http://lh6.google.com/bspcn.com/R5DcvbDUqSI/AAAAAA
Love those two sixty, especially the first one :)
All very funny,a good hours laugh.Being a gardener my last wish is to be cremated and my ashes to be scattered on my roses 2oz to a square yard
LOL, Tony, great comment, and what a good idea, (I too am a gardener). Thanks for the comment, made me laugh out loud :)
Hi,know you're agardener thats why I posted the comment,remember potatoes in rubblesacks?When an old pal of mine passed away his wife had his ashes put in an eggtimer she said it was the first time the lazy sod had worked for years
LOL, Oh my God, that is terrible, but really funny all the same. (Yes I do remember the potatoes in rubblesacks now you mention it, and am still up for giving it a go). :) :)
Am now off to check out the contents of my egg timer !!!!!
The great Spike Milligan "I told you I was ill."
Wonder if he had seen Hahn Jr's
LOL, thanks for the comment Sufi, great to see you here. Last I heard Spike's family and Widow were so busy bickering amongst themselves over money, that his grave was still unmarked over a year after he had died. I hope they have rectified it now and put the epitaph he wanted on the headstone (as per your quote). :)
I believe that they have, but the parish would only allow it in Gaelic.
I hope so, but what a boring Parish, I bet that's not what Spike would have wanted.
A bitter-sweet 1st World War inscription:
"Here, dead we lie, because we did not wish to live
and shame the land from which we've sprung.
Life, to be sure, is nothing much to loose.
But young men think it is and we were young".
I think that Spike wanted:
I told you I was BLOODY ill.
LOL, but bloody could also be interpretated as "covered in blood", so I still think they were being picky :)
"I got this epitaph from a headstone in a graveyard that I lived down the road from and it really stuck with me over the years.
As you are now, I once was. As I am now, you shall be. So prepare for death and follow me.
kinda creepy but I "stole" it in high school and got an A in english lit for the best epitaph. LOL"
Don't worry, you didn't nick it first! Similar inscriptions are fairly common in medieval English graves, and the origin is older than that.
In the middle is set a brass inscription, commemorating Thomas Burgoyne, a lord of the manor and one time patron of the church. The Latin is translated as 'As you are now so once was I; as I am, so will you be.' [Mark adds: this sentiment can be found almost everywhere in christian countries, mocking at our security and calling us to consider how brief and potentially meaningless our existence may be. There's a splendid example in the Night Oratory of St Catherine under the vaults of the Ospedale of Santa Maria della Scala in Siena - a small glass fronted niche contains the skull of one of the lay fraternity who met there, above its grin are crudely stencilled the same words, in italian, as appear on the floor of this small rural church in Cambridgeshire...]
Thanks London Girl, I shall check out your link in a few mins after I have eaten my rather late dinner. The quotes you have placed here are great, thanks again :)
By the way, my Husband is from Cambridgeshire :) (St Neots)
A great hub my friend!
I told my wife, "I am going to have them put on my tombstone--Lady if I were you and going to wear that dress I wouldn't stand there." You know as if I could still see and was looking up it at the time.
I have always enjoyed teasing people and have a huge sense of humor. My wife, however, doesn't have one as big as mine and said that if I do she will not be buried next to me. So, maybe I won't.
Johnny Yuma
LOL Johnny, I like that idea, I would far rather people laughed with me after my death than cried and were sad, that's the best memory to leave behind :)
Here is another that I found a few minutes ago. The caption said you have to think about some for them to be funny--I believe it. LOL
"Here lies the body of John Round lost at sea and never found."
Johnny
Gosh, yes, that does take a bit of thinking to see the flaw doesn't it! Thanks for posting it Johnny :)
at last,
someone who has gone the extra mile to find humor in death. there should be more smiles while visiting the graveyard. you've made me a fan.
Thanks David, laughter and positive memories are so important I reckon. Thanks also for becoming a fan of mine :)
Sure is another way at looking at dying. hahaha. Made me smile. I'm an instant fan.
Thanks Sheena, great to have you as part of my fan club :)
I ran across several that I didn't see in your hub. Would it offend you if I put up one of my own like it?
Johnny Yuma
I can't believe it took me so long to find this hub! Hilarious! Thank you so much for a great laugh!
Hi Johnny, not at all. If you have new ones please go for it and publish them. :)
Thanks Proud Mom, glad you enjoyed this :)
Nyahaha hehehe this is really funny...
Thanks General, pleased they gave you a good laugh too :)
very cool, thank you for sharing them
Thanks Keith, glad you enjoyed them.
Very funny! Now I'll have to write my own just in case :-) Ya never know what people will have written on your headstone when your gone - better safe than sorry. I have laughed today!
LOL, thanks Chloe, good point, perhaps it is a better idea to plan your own ahead of time so to speak.... just in case. :)
these are wonderful, epitaphs and gravestones are there for the friends and family, might as well make them smile
Thanks elisabethkcmo, I too would rather relatives smiled at my graveside than wept.
Good stuff!
Trying to see which of these can I reserve for myself !
Thanks LogicalSpark, or you could make up one of your own!!! :)
I wish I were as creative ....nor do I expect those who dispose me off (!) to be as creative.
Are any of these copyrighted?
Hi Again LogicalSpark, to the best of my knowledge no they are not, but I wouldn't be certain!
Those are fantastic. I started thinking of my own. Hope I come up with a great one--it seems to me a wonderful way to live on in this world even beyond the grave
Thanks Tdarby, let me know if you come up with a goo one :)
Some of the best "after" life comments, thanks.
Thanks Rebecca, I enjoyed them when I first read them too :)
This was written in a book written by the daughter of a 19th century U. S. Marshal who dictated his memories to her. In a chapter entitled "Humor in the Old West" one of the graves read - Here lies Bill Jones shot by Jack Reilly June !st 1884 He lived the life of Reilly While Reilly was out of town.
LOL I love this one mcblaes, thanks for sharing it with us :)
What a collection! Thanks so much, I needed a chuckle.
There was a ghost in a story who had an epitaph: "Gone to his just reward." But visitors to his grave snickered at it, so after a few decades work he rubbed it off. :)
Cheers Jess, glad you enjoyed this, loved the last comment too :)
Interesting..Some people have a REALLY good sense of humor! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Chris, so pleased you enjoyed these :)
Thank you much for sharing these! Certainly full of win, they are...
Cheers Epsilon, and I am happy they made you smile too :)
Cremation- such a travesty for a poet.
LOL, Thanks Storytellersrus :)
Were doing these for work... here is mine
Rachel is no longer with us. She has taken a higher position.
Great idea Rachael, thanks for telling us about it.
Great hub, loved them all
Christoph Reilly says:
14 months ago
Hi Misty! I love clever epitaphs. It's like getting one last shot at the world, or one last joke and leaving them smiling. I have often contemplated my own. I think right now I'm going with, "Is anybody up there? Let me out. It's stuffy in here."
Thanks for the great hub!