Today was another anniversary for me as it is was this day last year I walked into a treatment center for help for my addiction. It was a 28 day long course and I can assure you it was no picnic. I needed it though and so did my family. My wife slept mainly peacefully while I was in there. We both knew that it was the best thing for me to do and it was the only avenue to take as the addiction was ravaging the family. The deceit, my missing days, lack of money, delusional talk, no attempt to work or help out at home was destroying my home life. I was now affecting others as well, other members of my family, people who I worked with and my creditors as well as the banks.

Thankfully I cried halt to the madness and admitted that gambling had me licked and that I now needed help and I was willing to be helped. I was well broken by the time I got down there and felt a real numbness.

Looking back now it was the best course of action that we took as I now have some sense of normality and that I am not as selfish as I used to be. I still need plenty of work but my head is currently clear and even though the impulses still come they are not as frequent and I have today a good foundation that I can work off.

The big race was ran today at my local track and I'm over 150 miles away. Good.I can't even smell cut grass and I think of my local track. It was my favourite time of the year no doubt about that. I even quit my first job because my boss wanted me to work through the races. I thought he was mad! Did he not know I was going to make it as a professional gambler and work was only as pastime for my as I honed my "skills".

Nothing was going to stop me in my quest for fame as a gambler except as it turned out my inability to stop. I burned so much of my life so that I could just be able to gamble. I'm now slowly piecing things back together and stretching myself to the other 99% of what life has to offer me. I enjoyed today playing with my kids and cooking dinner and knowing that I can be there for my family when they need me.

But it's still only a coin toss away from me still...

I'm spending a few day holidays with my family in a small rural town about 4 hours drive from home. It's a nice peaceful place with a lot of activities for the children even in spite of the lousy weather.

My wife and I want out last night for a nice dinner in the local Thai restaurant that I had visited the last time I was in the town a few years ago. Thankfully it was a lot less complicated for me to pay the bill this time.

I had to go to this town a few years back to check out a product that I was going to take on in my company. I also had to travel to a different town to complete a sale the next day.The headquarters was in the center of the town and I had to stay over as the meeting would have taken all day. There is only one hotel in town and even though I had more than enough money to pay for the night I didn't want to spend too much to ensure I had enough for fuel costs.

However this didn't stop my need for a bet. I want in to tthe bookies "just for a bet or two". Within an hour I was down to my last €30. I hadn't eaten, no place to stay or not even enough fuel to get home. I was in a desperate state, but instead of leaving with something I tried to bet my way out. This time luck was on my side and the next few horses I backed were winners. I got my money back and only regretted that I didn't wait for the "sure things".

I treated myself in the Thai restaurant that evening and stayed in a Bed & Breakfast that night. It is only now I see that what I was at as pure madness and I never want to return back to that.

One of the main reasons, if not the main reason that I continue to abstain from having the first bet is my Gambler Anonymous meetings quiet I go to which go to quiet regularly, at least 2/3 times a week along with an aftercare programme that my treatment centre has in place. I find it refreshing to meet like minded people that have an understanding of whati I was about. I also can relate to their stories and I have at times done exactly the same. Every time I go I hear the reasons why I need to keep coming back. I know from previous experience that if I don't return to the roots of my addiction and reaffirm the reasons why I want to get better. I will go down the self will road again. I know today that I powerless over my addiction and I need help to get by one day at a time.

Looking back now at the time when I stopped going to the meetings, I stopped being constructive. My work became an atheist, my family life suffered, my workload slackened, and I didn't have any drive to progress.

I'm not saying that I have completely turned it around and have many faults, and failings but I have given my self a chance to improve. I

I was recalling today what type of person I was when I gambled and one thing struck out for me was I hated to be in the company of anyone when I was in action online or in the bookies. Even if I went into the bookies with someone I would would go off and look at the racing pages on my own. I felt that t was my own personal "war" with the bookies and that no one was going toin my own company interfere.

I always felt happy in my own company in my gambling world, the complete opposite to my life at the moment where I need and love being with people.I am a talker and I love interaction.

When gambling most of my conversations were kept on the inside, as I was consumed with the chase, wither it was the most common losing streak or a winning streak. I also tried keep my lies up to date as I had to continuously cover my tracks. An example would be that when going home I would tell my wife that I was at least 1/2 hour further away even if I didn't need to.

I was never brought up to lie but when gambling was involved truth was always going to suffer. I feel good that I don't have to cover my tracks today, and that I can look into the mirror and no that I didn't cheat anybody today.

Time does fly and and it seems like only yesterday when I was last in a bookies and yet 52 weeks have passed by, some slowly, others pretty tough, but in the main, peaceful.

I still and probably will always remember my last day in the bookie that I frequented most in my last few months of gambling. I had a descent few euros going in to the place but I was in trauma as I knew that I was at my wits end and I had to stop and I wanted to lose what I had so I could remember the pain and the anguish. The treatment center was to ring me later day to confirm that they had a place for me and to see if I still wanted to go. Also most of the money I had on me was to go to someone who I promised I would call up to that morning.

Deep down I knew that it was the only way I could stop. I had to have a hard loss because I didn't want the be able to harbour any hope for my gambling. I didn't want to dream the impossible dreams again. Too often the flame of my addiction would flicker into life and would melt any rational thought in my head.

I left my phone in my car because I didn't wanted to be contacted. Both my wife and my sister was stressed trying to get in touch. They knew where I would be but didn't know which one.

I left the bookie about 7 hours after going in and went back to my office where I demonised my self. I was well and truely beaten by the time I rang home.

These are painful memories for me and powerful reminders that gambling is not for me. My home life has vastly improved but I know that if I don't remain vigilant I could laspe again.

I am going to keep this short tonight as because my inability to do things in moderation is coming back to haunt me. I have only got about 4/5 hours sleep over the last few nights because of my dedication to the Internet and the sharp learning curve that I'm on. I am totally enjoying what I'm doing at the moment and it's all good honest stuff but I am relentless in the pursuit of knowledge of websites and what's it all about. I have a reasonable grasp of what I'm at but it's just like what I was at in the gambling world.

There I chases down every horse-racing formula I could. I bought all the papers, subscribed to what I felt would increase my chances to be that "professional gambler".

Statically I had a nice few systems that showed year on year profit if managed properly, but that was never enough for me. I was never sated. Numerous times I knew it was folly to carry on but I couldn't stop

Tiredness is kicking in now and both my body and my wife patience has cried enoug, so this will do for now

I have often being asked by my peers "did drink ever affect me" and even though I have a conscious awareness of my capacity to indulge I have to say that if I never drank alcohol again I would be ok with that. I was asked in my treatment programme to abstain from any form of alcohol for 2 years and I readily accepted that condition. I often spent a good few months without one and when I did go out socially I would only have a few and I didn't feel the desire or want to return and have more the next day.

Gambling was what I saw at an early stage and there was never to much drink in my household as I grew up. I even thought it was sacrilege to drink at a race course, I mean it was good to have a good social time at the racecourse but I was always "business" at the course and I felt that if I drank I would be letting my guard down and become just an "ordinary" punter not the great wannabee professional player that I was to become, or so my dreams went

I always wanted to be a professional punter. That was the height of my ambition. I had no intention on going to collage and didn't apply for any of the 3 level courses even though I had enough points to get into numerous courses. No all I wanted was to work in any of the bookies in my local town. Thankfully I didn't get any job there but what ever work I got most of my wages was gambled. I even quit my first job because he wanted me to work on the day that there was races at my local track. At the time I thought he was mad because I felt nobody worked them few days and I surely wasn't going to be the exception

I even left my country to pursue my lust for gambling. I thought that I failed at home because I didn't have enough information so I set off for pastures new.

I now know where the problem lies and that's O.K. today

I had a good day today at home with my family, playing around with the kids organising the holiday that we have coming up with my wife next week and I cooked dinner for for all of us before I headed off to my GA meeting . All in all a good honest day

I find the meeting a good way to finish off the week and gets me set up for the week ahead. While there I got another reminder of how insane my thinking was. There are many new ways to gamble since I started and one of latest is the virtual racing which is a no brainer for the normal thinking punter - they run a mile from them . I however had a different idea, I thought that I could turn this into a profit. There are a few sites out there that virtual horses can be bought and trained and one of the main bookmaker firms runs these races in-store, well they did when I was a patron. There was even a TV station dedicated to this particular venture. I even had one of my horses run in one of the televised races. I was clueless but I still ploughed money into it as I thought I had inside information as there was a forum with people contributing and giving information on how they would think respective horses would run. The best I can recall is a placed bet of an outsider coming in. The more I think about it now the more I am embarrassed I get. I even told people that I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING!! They probably felt embarrassed for me, imangine a grown up man telling people that he knows a way how to win at cartoon racing.

Thankfully today I can see the wood from the trees bet as it stands I am still only a toss of a coin away from a bet and I have a healthy fear of my addiction and the destruction it causes.

I just got home with my oldest lad after a match in which our team was playing. We had a long day and to make matters worse the team lost after trowing away a lead, Grrrr. Other than that we had a good day. I like spending time with him which is not as often as I only get to see him every second week when he stays over as he live with his mother and that they are over an hour away. He is a good lad who doesn't seam to be affected by addiction so far and I pray that will continue. He is a teenager and loves sport and is very good at whatever game he turns to. I love him to bits and worry about him a lot but I can't make his mistakes or he has to do that himself and hopefully learn from them.

The reason I brought him up is as we were driving home I remembered how I used the circumstances quiet a few times to enable me to gamble. When he had a match, I would tell my wife that I wouldn't be coming home that evening as I would be going to the match but instead of going on time I would go to a local bookies near the ground. I would tell his mother that I was held up with work and I would be only able to see the end of the match. There were times the match was over by the time I got there and I remember at least once I rang his mother telling her that I couldn't make it and to let me know who won so I could tell my wife. It make me sick now when I think of the amount of times I betrayed 3 very important people in my life all for the sake of a bet of in my case multitudes of bets.I could never stop at one win or lose.

Thankfully he hasn't being effected to much and when I was in a treatment centre, one of the nicest things I heard there was when he came down in family day instead of doing something that he had planned with his friends was that I was more important to him.

I'm tired now after such a long day but I'm happy to have my whole family under the one roof and that gives me hope for the future

I being reading some of the hubs here and I found it wonderful the different variations and attitudes to addictions. My own take on it is addiction distorts perceptions of normal life. I know I struggle to think rationally when "I'm in action" ie. I could not think about the outside world when I was in my gambling box. I would repeat conversations over and over again. I would always be adding money in my head real or imagery. My every waking hour was devoted to gambling. I would gamble 24hrs in a spin when I could.I was always chasing losses or when up chasing the double up. when I had the house to my self I was online playing the horses, reading the form over 3 continents playing poker online or casino.My gambling lasted longer that my cat sleeping!!. Up hundreds down hundreds, breaking even not knowing what breaking even was, there was many times I lost and regarded it as "great entertainment". When I was in the throes of madness I was consumed. I didn't recognize people, I had blackouts, memory lapses. I couldn't spend money on simple things like food, fuel for the car, groceries for the house. The bet came first and if I lost the real world never saw me

I remember one time when in my early twenties I had no work, no prospects,no ambition, I recall buying a pair of cheap brown shoes that I hated because they were the only ones I could afford I promised my self that I would buy myself a new pair over the next few days and they were only a stop-gap. Those brown shoes were the only pair I had for about 8 months. They almost stuck to my feet. I had countless chances to replace them but I could never find the replacement pair in the bookies. I only changes them when I got a tax rebate and with help I bought 2 pairs so I wouldn't get caught out again.

One would think that little stories and reminders like that would stop me from gambling..well not a chance my desire to gamble for a lot of my life superseded everything else. I have to continually retrain my thoughts and actions and ask for help every day. I 'm in a good place now because for today I chose not to gamble and I chose to believe that I have a chance

I had a long day and tough today but it finished well as I got to my gambler anonymous meeting in the evening. I will never disclose what is said there and who I meet there because that is for me one of the most binding aspects of the group. What I will say about it though is that I always here the reasons why I need to keep going to them and that it give me positive structure for my week. I have said and I keep saying to myself that I need at least 2 meetings a week to give myself a chance, because I have no chance using self will alone. I tried that method numerous timed and failed every time. I find it no problem now asking for help as when doing so I will always benefit. I believe help is a 2 way thing because The person giving the helping hand is also rewarded in some way. I now know that the tools I need in life can be found for me in my 12 step programme.

I can have 2 trains of thought one positive 1 negitive and today I choose to be positive

Today I got a sharp reminder of what I was at when I was in action. I am a sales rep for a phone company now and part of my job spec is to ring customers on the network and arrange to meet them and to try to upgrade them onto a new plan. I rang one particular client and arranged to meet him in the centre of town. When I got there I gave him a call to locate him. When he answered he told me where he was and that to my horror he was in one of the 2 bookies there. I was stuck to the ground because I didn't know what to do.

Numerous thoughts came into my head, would I cancel the appointment and lose the sale, would I ring one of the lads that I confide with, would I ring my wife and let her know what was going on (I felt I couldn't let her know until afterwards as she would be sick with worry) or would I let it unfold and see what would become of it. I said the "Serenity prayer" a good few times and handed it over to my Higher Power. I decided to meet him but I wasn't to go into the bookies, I would let him know that it was to be a private meeting and the bookies wouldn't be ideal.

Thankfully when I got to him he was outside waiting for me and that we did all our business away from that location. He was all chat about the horses and with most of the other punters he had the bookie pen behind the ear.I hate the sight of them pens now because all the remind me now of the misery that I endured. I grew up with a house full of them and I brought plenty more to new home. I quiver now at the thought of having to use one of them again. I have a few consequences of my addiction now embedded into my mind to help starve of the compulsions and one of them has to do with the little pen but thats for another day.

I was delighted to get away from there intact. I know that for many many people that what I was going through to day seams very trivial but for me still in relatively early stages of my recovery programme it was fairly tough and I am thankful to have passed through it.

Thankfully another clean day for me today. It will soon be time for me to hit the sack and I fell good that I didn't get a compulsion today. I know from experience that it can come from nowhere and it can stay for about 20 mins.Luckily the last time my overriding desire to have a bet I was driving on a motorway( even that word reminds me of a horse that I backed and followed!) and I couldn't get off. I also had no money or credit cards, which is the way it has to be for the foreseeable future as I still can't leave home with more than fuel and lunch money. I have to be accountable now for the money and that is the way I want it to be as my capacity to manipulate situations for myself regardless of the cost can be detrimental. I have also noticed that my compulsions are at the worst when I have excess money and time to use it. I now know that my self will is not enough and I need all the help I can get.

One of my compulsions that I acted on that comes readily to mind was when I promised my eldest, he was about 3 at the time, a toy in the department store. Money was tight then as I wasn't working and the few quid that I had I promised him that I would get the particular toy (i cant think what it was of the top of my head but I know it was one fashionable gimmicks of the time). We were just around the corner from the store and passing the last bookie when I decided that I would see what won the earlier races, and that was the end of my little lad's present. The most stinging memory there was when we left the bookies with the money gone I bent down outside crying asking my little lad for forgiveness and that I was sorry that I couldn't keep a simple promise. It still hurts now because even though I did promise my self I wouldn't do ever again I repeated it again with second 10 years later. When I'm in addiction I don't care about others. i have proven that time and time again. But when I'm in recovery as I am now I act like a normal person and that I can do some good.

I love being alive and I want to do the best I can

Today has been a good day for me as I achieved what I set out to do, basic things like helping the kids have breakfast, do an honest days work without grumble and get to my meeting in the evening.. I know these are mundane things and society has thought me that this is expected of me and that I am privileged to be in such a position. I am very grateful today for what I have.

This time last year I was in turmoil, my business of 4 years was being run into the ground by my actions, my wife was driven demented by my constant lies and my tardiness at home(when I did arrive home). My devotion to the PC was unnatural. There was also the financial cost to be taken into consideration. It was becoming more and more frequent that I would have nothing to show for my "weeks work". Of course she didn't know of the debt I accrued along the way, such as overdrafts, wages unpaid, rent of premises as well as unpaid taxes. I am facing up to this difficulty today that I created and I know that I can and will make amends if I remain clean.I'm in a better spot right now but I have a healthy fear of the damage my addictive actions can do. My demons come regularly but because I can ask for help now I have a chance

Hi my name is Jon and I have an addiction that at one stage threatened to take every thing that was precious to me, My life partner my children my home and most of all my mind. I lived in a delusional world where I thought my addiction was going to be my saviour and that I could live my dreams; "invest here, pull a quick one there, 5 mins of inspiration no need for perspiration". I was going to be king of the hill. A nod from me would be all that was needed for my peers on the get rich schemes. I spent hours studying form of horse-races, spent a small fortune on formulas and race-form, practiced card-games and other futile pursuits. I know that if there was a degree on gambling I would surely get my PhD. Instead gambling shot my ambition and for that will always ask my self what has gambling ever done for me? Nada, zilch,nuffing, is the answer. The stark reality for me is that gambling and its form of addiction is pure poison and I now know that of all the addictions it has the highest suicide rate and it is one of the hardest to give up.

When somebody I knew "Bob" tried to kill himself outside my home (he drove his car into a wall outside the house in the middle of the night but as the car was stronger than the wall it flipped over onto the road again. Bob knocked on our door at and woke us up asking could we remove the car and bring him home. Both my brother and I removed the car as Bob couldn't move his arm very well. My brother said that he would drop him into the hospital that night but Bob only laughed it off and said just to drop him home. He wasn't listening to us so we said fine and left him home. The following morning Bob was found dead. He hung himself due to his gambling debts.He owned a few racehorses but like most compulsive gamblers accumulated debts and unfortunately saw no light in the tunnel.

Today I'm Sober and only for today, I have no ticket for tomorrow