Gay Dating Advice: 1st Time Bottom & Unattractive Fetish

Relationships start in murky waters. Regardless of how you and your man care to define yourselves (monogomous, dating, open, married,friends, late-night hookups...), there will always be a grace period at the beginning that allows time to adapt and learn more about your guy. Following are two questions recently emailed to me by readers of The BOTTOM Line.

Just read your hub on "Two Bottoms Don't Make A Top" and found it interesting. I've been dating a great guy and really think it can work. Lately, he's been asking to 'top' me and I finally let him try - to horrible results. I have only been a 'top' my whole gay-life but simply because I'm scared of the physical pain I imagine with bottoming. I have nothing against being the receiver, in fact I think it sounds hot. I want to be able to give it up to my boyfriend and us both be happy. What can I do to make the whole process easier?

-Mark, Des Moines

Well, Mark, I would first like to commend you for trying something you are scared of. It's never easy to bottom for the first time, but it quickly feels pleasurable. First, I would love to pass along a great and easy to remember bottoming 'mantra' from an old pro I used to know. "Shit & Shower," he vulgarly told me. But, it works. Not only does it make it a cleaner experience for everyone involved, it helps YOU ease your mind and relax. And that, Mark, is the key to successful bottoming.

There are obvious ways to help you relax which I'll mention. Having a few cocktails or boxes of wine before doing the dirty is a good way to ease into it. I take xanex for panic attacks and have found xanex to be a bottom's best friend. However, if you are not lucky enough to have an anxiety disorder, stick to lubing yourself up with both alcohol, and tons of lube. Once you understand that it's all in the mind, pick a time when YOU are feeling relaxed and comfortable (bottoming is ALWAYS about you), and tell him to take it slow. Take deep breaths if you need to, prior Lamaze class experience is helpful. If you stop the worrying and let it happen, after the first 30 seconds, I PROMISE you will enjoy it!

The BOTTOM line: Just relax! After the initial contact, you'll like it.

Hey Jonathan!! I've been laughing at a few of your articles and wondered what you'd say about my issue......I've been having AMAZING sex with a regular guy I met on craigslist.com awhile ago. It's so good I could see myself wanting to be just with him. However....he has a kinkier side to him which he recently told me about. He asked me last week to put on a few of his leather 'accessories' but I lost my 'interest' and refused. Why did the most perfect sex turn weird?!

'Vanilla Only', Austin

We are never going to meet the PERFECT MATCH, Vanilla. If the sex was good enough to make you consider being monogamous, consider tthe relationship worth holding onto. This means adapting and trying new things. I think it's a great sign that your regular hookup divulged something as socially hidden as his fetish. This, to me, indicates that he likes you a lot and is looking at the bigger picture when it comes to your encounters. If you didn't meet at a leather-bar or in an S&M chatroom, then he made himself vulnerable by asking you to don his wear.

If you really like him it's worth it to step outside your comfort zone a bit. Tell him how far you are comfortable in going prior, and then give it a try. The worst that could happen is that you would simply not be turned on. However, I think doing anything new & exciting with someone you are sexually comfortable with is a plus. If it does turn out that S&M/leather is not your thing, you will need to re-evaluate the situation. A sexual connection is VITAL for a healthy relationship. If he is a closeted big 'ol leather bear and you aren't down with the scene, he'll just end up satisfying his fetish somewhere else, and you couldn't really blame him.

The BOTTOM line: If hearts are popping out of your eyes, at-least give it one try. If you decide it's not your thing, you may not be the perfect match you had assumed.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you have any gay dating / relationship / sexuality concerns, questions or comments, either comment them below or email Jonathan @ BottomLineAdvice@yahoo.com . Thanks to everyone who already has!