Gay Dating Advice: Does He Like Me? and Should I Hide Interest At First?

Dear Bottom line,

I go out to bars in new york often, but am pretty clueless when it comes to picking up on interest. How can I tell if a guy is interested in getting to know me or going home with me?

-Sandy, East Village

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This is a great question Sandy, and one that varies greatly from city to city. New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago and Miami all have vast gay ghettos and thus rich gay nightlife. In these cities, the ways to notice if a guy is into you -and what he desires from you- are universal. Other cities and more rural areas (like Kansas City, where I'm from) require less strenuous code-reading to find out if he is into you or not.

Gay bachelors in urban centers tend to be arrogant (if a top) or bitchy (if a bottom). This simple rule of gay dating transfers easily over and helps you tell if he's into you. From my experience at gay bars in NYC, SF and LA, it is rare for a gay guy to approach someone he is interested in. Gays are lazy and self-centered. "Why not let him come approach me?," is the typical mindest of a gay in a dark, bass-lined bar. Using this reasoning, if he approaches you first, that is a great sign that he is into you. Play it cool and not too clingy and you should be fine. If you approach him first and can't tell if he's interested, there are definite signs to look for.

Is his body facing you?

His head and mouth can face anyway he wants (he might try to play 'hard catch' by turning his head away from you), but if his body is facing you, he's being receptive to you and he's interested. If you approach his bar stool and he keeps his legs and torso faced towards the bar, that's a good sign to not waste your time.

Are his answers to your questions one word or one-syllable?

If so, he's praying for you to leave. If he is interested in you, he will not only give you conversational details or shortened story answers, he will ASK a similar question of you. This same rule applies to online cruising. If you send a hot guy a random question such as, "having fun tonight?", and he responds with a "sure." , then he's not interested. If he has given you these kind of answers for 3-4 questions, tell him it was nice 'meeting him' and move on before you seem like a stalker.

Is he smiling?

The most simplest of all ways to tell if he likes you. If he is not rolling his eyes after every word that leaves your mouth and actually looks interested, he is into you.

Stick by these rules and you will be able to tell if the gay is interested. Even if they are trying to play aloof and a 'hard catch', still stick to these rules. If you are the one person that moves on after 3 one-word answers and forced uninterested body language, being turned down will spark this type. They get sick of being chased, if they are into you they will ask you to stay or find you in mere moments after you have said 'goodbye'.

The BOTTOM Line : Even hot, arrogant types will show their true colors if you stick to these rules and don't show immediate infatuation.

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I felt this next email fit in quite appropriately in this article:

Hey,

I recently moved to San Francisco from a small town in Oregon. There are tons of hot guys here and I love talking to them at the bars cause there were no gay bars back home. I am starting to think that I may be to talkative or something cause my friends tell me that I act to interested when I approach new guys. How much interest should I show when I talk to a new guy?

-Jameson, Castro

Gays in the cities love to play their 'games' when out at bars. For some reason, a lot of us in large gay neighborhoods have adapted to the sheer number of gays with an interesting dating trait: we are turned off by guys who act too 'into' us at first. One would think that someone who is really interested and attracted to you would be a safe, trustworthy bet for a partner. Well, probably. But it ain't hot. We have began to assume that anyone who is sexy is 'hard to get'. Those who are immediately interestsed seem desperate. While both of these statements of modern gay urban dating have some truths to them, there is a lot of bullshit.

In Kansas City guys are approachable and conversational regardless of their physical appearance. They haven't been jaded or surrounded by surface-esteeming types and therefore don't let these rules apply. It's easy to approach guys while being yourself and getting an honest reaction in cities like KC. In the big gay cities, it's different.

Through personal experiments during my horrid dating years, I have found that some of the most desired bachelors in LA weren't physically attractive to me....they simply played their arrogant self-centered cards correctly. And the gays flocked around them. Any sign of interest you emit gives you a nerd point here and in other cities. Unfortunately, the only way around it is to control your clinginess and don't suggest you are interested until he has done so. Utilizing this tactic with the rules above should give you a good idea of how to navigate the bitchy and self-centered waters of big gay city dating.

The BOTTOM Line:

Once he has suggested interest (whether verbally or physically) throw him back with some of equal force. Don't suggest more interest than he does, that will come off as "clingy". Let him roll the dice and you follow. Give him something though, if you don't suggest a little interest, he'll move on. The key lies in balance.