Gaydar Secrets
91
Gaydar = gay radar
Okay, I might get into serious trouble with this, but I've been asked dozens of times how you can tell a gay man or woman from his/her straight counterparts. ('Straight' means 'heterosexual' in modern gay parlance)
Some are obvious (I mean, do you need my help to know Richard Simmons and k.d. lang are gay?). But most are a bit more subtle, and it isn't usually a matter of how much product they use in their hair, or how much they follow professional sports, that really matter.
Some have said it's a sense that's difficult to describe, and I guess it is. However, I've distilled the following clues from my *years* (ahem!) of experience:
(Take it for all it's worth--I'm just having fun here)
#1) The walk
Gay men take short strides. It's true. Gay men walk like geishas wearing wooden sandals. Straight men, on the other hand, look like they're trying to compete in the long jump, extra slowly--very long strides.
Lesbians walk like straight men. A definite swagger. There's a reason there's a saying in the lesbian community: "If it talks like a dyke and it walks like a dyke, then it probably is a dyke."
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#2) Awareness of people around them
Gay men need to look at every other person in sight. When in public, gay men are continually distracted by other people. It's almost comical (being so utterly predictable) when you walk in a restaurant or a shop, and all the gay men will whip their heads around to look at you. It's in our DNA, completely instinctive. Meanwhile...
Lesbians couldn't care less. Butch lesbians, in particular, are too concerned with their gadgets--they, like straight men, adore PDAs, CBs, BBs, and every other mechanical acronym out there. If it weren't for lesbians, the Radio Shack and hardware stores in the Castro and West Village would go out of business. (Restoration Hardware, on the other hand, is a favorite among gay men)
#3) Names
Gay men dislike nicknames. Gay men want their name as long and formal sounding as possible, like they really want to reclaim the name their mothers called them when they were angry. It's much rarer to meet a gay Chris than a Christopher, for instance. It's never "Tom", it's "Thomas". And forget calling a gay man "Andy"--it's "Andrew", or, even better yet, "Andrew Michael".
Conversely, lesbians will shorten their names to the most masculine sounding nickname possible. "Christine" is always "Chris", "Leslie" is "Les", and "Georgia" always ends up as "George" (no, I'm not kidding). If the name is impossible to shorten to a masculine-sounding nickname, like Jennifer or Virginia, then it's just a single letter: "J" and "V".
#4) Clothing fit
Gay men will wear it as tight as possible. For some odd reason, gay men are as obsessed with their pant size as straight women are with their clothing size. The difference between a 32 and a 34 presents as big a self-esteem issue for gay men (and, apparently, Jerry Seinfeld) as a 6 and an 8 does for a straight woman. It's not unusual to see a gay man stuffing his flabby frame into a too-tight size 32 jeans just so he can brag about wearing that size.
Lesbians, like straight men, like baggy and loose. Really butch lesbians will wear shirts as loose as possible in order to give the semblance of breastlessness (especially among those trying to look like 14-year-old skateboarders). Most of the butch lesbian women I know exclusively shop at the men's department, and that includes underwear (they prefer boxers).
#5) Music preferences
Gay men: bubble-gum Europop. Or House. Or Techno. No substitutions or exchanges. Gay men love Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams, and Groove Armada. Unless you're a gay man or a European, you've probably never heard of them.
Lesbians love Country. Or Heavy Metal. Or Folk Rock. No substitutions or exchanges. Lesbians love anyone who has played at the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival. No one else even wants to go to Michigan.
#6) Smiling too much or not at all in pictures
Gay men grin from ear to ear in pictures. In an attempt to show as many of their pearly whites on celluloid (or memory sticks), gay men instinctively smile as widely as possible when their picture is being taken.
Lesbians, on the other hand, usually snarl. Maybe a pout. Maybe a threatening glare. But never a smile. Never. (Except the femmes)
Test your gaydar
Gay or Eurotrash? - There was also "Lesbian or German Lady?" from the same site but the link is now dead :-( I got all of these right (but keep in mind, they're not confirmed; I just agreed with the judges)
OKCupid's Gaydar Quiz - 10 male and 10 female questions, and I have to say some are a little tricky. I got 75% correct.
ABC's 20/20 Gaydar Quiz: Yeah, it's mainstream now. I got 8/10 right, but in all fairness, the picture is *small*.
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Comments
Thank you. I've never seen the show. (I saw your hub, though) The only big closet case that I know from TV I've watched recently (on DVD) is Kimmie from the Anna Nicole show, but then again, that should be obvious to anyone. ;-)
Your points may be valid for out-of-the closet gays. Others strike me as much less obvious. I saw a movie that attracted a lot of gay men last weekend ("Shortbus"). At least I assumed they were gay because many of them were sitting two by two as couples. I was curious about them and observed as many as I could on the way out and on the sidewalk in front of the theater. Nearly all of them were indistinguishable from other men on the street. The theater was in Royal Oak, Michigan, a Detroit suburb. In our area there may be as many gays as in other communities, but not as many openly gay men. At least that's my impression as someone without pretensions of special knowledge on the subject.
Thank you, Ralph. I saw "Shortbus", too. Although plenty of gay men are invisible to gaydar, lots of others display pretty subtle signs that they are. #1 and #2 can draw a fine line between gay and straight. Also, it's pretty rare for a gay man to go long without a haircut, while straight men can sometimes go without for months. ;-)
Interesting hub. What's your take on 100% lesbians and bi-sexual women as couples?
You mean like Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche? Or like Melissa Etheridge and Julie Cypher? I believe I've answered your question. ;-)
I used to work with a nice young lady who once had long hair and beautiful complexion, but she wore baggy clothes and she walked like a guy. Then out of the blue, she came to work one day with practically all of her hair shaved off and she began wearing men's clothes. She dated bi-sexual women and straight or bi-curious women, but not other lesbians.
I'm assuming the bisexual & straight women were relatively feminine, and the other lesbians she wasn't interested in were butch? Sometimes an "opposites attract" phenomenon exists in the lesbian/gay community, much like it does among straights. It sounds like your coworker was a butch who liked femmes.
I'm gay, but 3, 4, and 5 do not apply. I don't pay any attention to my stride so 1 may or may not be accurate. 2 is the closest this comes to being right, but even then it's certainly not universal.
I am gay too.
But a hetro let me astray in the hay on gay parade day.
Now she is 3 months from delivering a crying assay :)
OH NO !
According to this I'm a lesbian in a gay mans body ! (grin).
Based on how I match the rundown, I'm a gay man in a straight woman's body.
Smartie: you're just a surly gay man ;-)
Relache: There's a reason gay men and straight women tend to get along...
Thats not really true of what u said about gay women not smiling in cameras, now i smile because i recently took pics of myself smiling, but before i didnt smile because i thought i looked ugly..so no that aint true.
Well, every rule has an exception... ;-)
Smartie: lol!
I'm always taking "these people are like this and that" with a grain of salt. This was kindof fun and about half of it fitted on me. But you were basicly saying that lesbians are just a female version of straight men. Oh well, as this was probably mostly for fun I don't want to be to pestimistic ;)
Depending on what you're using it for, gaydar or even "gaydar rules" are meant to be taken with a grain of salt. These are just the result of my own personal observations. I have noticed that with younger people, it's getting harder and harder to tell gay people apart from their straight counterparts. But I wouldn't want anyone to take this too seriously (especially gay-bashers looking for their next victim)!
oh, come on. Richard Simmons is NOT GAY. Really? ?? Is he? No one told Granny.
Love,
GRANNY
Oh, no, he's not gay. Neither is Jodie Foster. In fact, she's buddies with Mel Gibson ;-)
Dude this is scary. I think my husband might be gay!
I love the article. It's a shame that Portia de Rossi is a lesbian, though. She's damn hot!
This soooooo true very scary.
Ok yeh you are an idiot!! I am gay and I dont take short strides, I dont wear tight clothes (I love my baggy clothes, fuck style) I also dont mind my name or whatever people want to call me. and yeh your music preferences for gays are way off!!! I love country and rock...my boyfriend loves spanish and rock!
I am a gay basher,that's why I play golf----to get my knickers in a twist.
Finally, a guide!
Gay here...I found your article amusing, though they don't all apply to me. But, I take this with its lighthearted intent that it was written...or am I wrong and there is scientific evidence to support your conclusions? I do look all around when I walk in a restaurant and glad to know it's not just me. Although I would love to wear size 32 pants, I have better sense than trying to squeez my 38 waist into them. And the music was on the right track, so to speak, but you forgot about the diva's...diana, barbra, madonna, etc. etc.
LOL this is GREAT!
I think my walk is halfway between long strides and short steps. I like the WorkIt walk - makes me feel taller somehow. I also snarl or pout in all pics (if I know they are being taken). Defo not smiling in my photo here!
Does that make me semi-bi? Would explain a lot, lol!
And I love Robbie Williams, even if he *is* totally gay and oh-so-camp. (Has he come out yet???) Ok, maybe he's not. I'd do him, regardless. ;)
The workit walk is different from the butch swagger. It's hard to describe exactly how, but I think the former has a bit of bounce while the latter is a bit more side-to-side action.
And Robbie Williams is not gay. Really. My gaydar consistently registers a straight signal, despite his popularity among gay fans.
Great post. My wife and I lived in the Castro for about five years and I think you have perfectly summed it up. And, as for Robbie Williams et al, yeah, an artist can become a gay icon without being gay. Lucinda Williams has a huge lesbian following but is clearly not gay. Though, maybe she's bisexual. Who knows?
I am around gay guys pretty often (and the occasional lesbian). In high school, one of my close friends was a gay guy. I would say that these Gaydar rules are pretty accurate, but there are the occasional exceptions.
dreadpal: Living in the Castro must have been a great opportunity to observe the native species in their natural habitat. (wink!) I think Ani Difranco is not lesbian but has a huge lesbian following.
Angela: Yes, exceptions abound, but following these rules will definitely help you a majority of the time. ;-)
With many gay and lesbian friends, I'm not sure I agree with this totally but perhaps it's a good "start" for someone who wants to know if someone is homosexual. They seem to forget that not all gay men are femme acting and not all lesbians are butch. Otherwise, I appreciate your thoughts on the matter.
livelonger: like a good gay, I arrived late to this party to make an entrance, okay, not really but just read this hub and it is fabulous! You hit everything right on the head (oops) and I love the controversy you started with some of your commentors - "I'm a #1 but I'm definitely not a #3..." Gaydar be damned, you've let all the secrets out now! Watch your gay membership card doing things like that :)!
Sometimes you just know. This happened 3 times when I was watching three actors that I later learned were gay or who came out years later. The first time was in the movie, "Pillow Talk" when Rock Hudson and Doris Day were, well laying on a pillow talking and he was hitting on her and suddenly it hit me, he was mouthing those words he had no idea what it was like to love or have sex with a woman. The second time, similiar situation, except, this time it was Mr. Brady and Mrs. Brady sitting up in bed reading books. Mr. Brady starts hitting on Mrs. Brady. Again mouthing the words. He wouldn't know pu$$y if it walked up to him and smacked him in the face (Do I have to say "The Brady Bunch"?) Again, years before he came out. Last one was that character on Frazier that was supposed to be a big woman chaser. I forget the character's name (Bulldog?), but the actor is short, bald. He's over at Frasier's apartment supposedly salivating over some woman and bam, it hits me. He doesn't know anything about pu$$y either.
It was weird I suddenly got the impression they were saying the words in the script phonetically like they had no clue how to talk to or about women.
Is this weird also? Years ago I lived in San Francisco and either gay men really liked me or saw me as a threat(!?) I remember standing on a curb in the Castro District telling my mother that I had noticed this several times. When a gay guy walked up to me looked me up and down and called me a b!tch! And kept on going as though to illustrate what I meant. Too funny! Okay another story. Big Halloween Parade in San Francisco. I mean Halloween to Gays is like Christmas to Christians, I guess. Me and my boyfriend go to Castro. I am supposed to be some sort of punk rocker, but I really look like a gay man dressed up like Diana Ross doing drag. So all the gay guys think I am a couple with my boyfriend who was really cute with green eyes. I am getting all these b!tchy comments, but when they turn around to give one last zing, they notice my hips and rear are a woman's and I get a lot of "You go girl's" before it was in style.
Anyway, me, competition??? So the question is do gay men find certain straight women as threats. And why?
http://paulie227.blogspot.com/
Paulie, well your gaydar must be pretty damn good. Picking up on those barely-perceptible "vibrations" that most of the world ignores is what makes for good gaydar. Provided you're right, of course. ;-)
I've only noticed much older gay men thinking of straight women as competition. My theory is that they were of a generation where a man's sexuality was often in question, because it was so hard to be out of the closet. So a prospective mate for a woman could have also been a closet case, in which case he was a prospect for a gay guy, too.
Nowadays, people are far more likely to be clear about which way they swing. Gay men shouldn't feel (and most of the time, don't feel) competition from straight women because they're after different men. Sure, there's the occasional bisexual, but one that swings 50/50 in both directions is really a rare breed, isn't he?
Remember that the stiffest competition for a gay man is another gay man. You might be surprised how bitchy gay men can be towards each other when they're vying for the same prize!
Hi!! Enjoyed your Hub!! I assume it was written as comedy; there is always humor in grains of truth!! So, didn't stereotyping go out in the 1980's?? (or before??) Not all ethic groups are the same, not all blondes are the same, not all straights, bi-'s or gays are the same; people are unique individuals!! Could it be that our heads, hearts and souls contribute to the choices we make for whatever between-the-legs-anatomy with which we were born?? Could it be that those choices change as we evolve as individuals?? I hate to sound so PC but haven't YOU been surprised/shocked/dismayed at any time in your life for being put into a "box" that didn't fit?? I AM Earth Angel; Nun OR Pole Dancer!! You decide!!??
My gaydar goes off for Joseph Gordon-Levitt. (Kid from Third Rock from the Sun, and the movies Brick, Latter Days, Manic, and Havoc)
Anyone else?
god i hope this is a load of BS... if its not... we will just blame it on my dad... i grew up litsening to country and have always been a tomboy. I dont usually like getting my pic taken but if im fooling around with some friends im fine. i dont think i swagger but the other day someone accused me of walking macho. I never had a nickname but i guess its kinda hard to shorten my name...thank god!!! well... i guess 4 outa 6 isnt a total for sure that im les.
EA - You're right, but I would argue that a straight person shouldn't be offended if accidentally called gay, and people who are gay should just own it!
Chan - I don't get a gay vibe from him but man, he sure is cute!
Kasey - There is such a thing as a false-positive, but only you know if you're a lesbian or not.
Um, am i the only one who found this a unbelievably stereotypical? Spend some time in a gay part of town and you'll see our incedible diversity, your article is ridiculous! "Gay men grin from ear to ear in pictures...Lesbian's on the other hand, usually snarl"?! Are you serious? What teen spoof did you get this from? While some of these were indeed accurate, most were insanely old-fashioned! Come on, clothing size and musical preferences? It's 2007, not the 50's, ever heard of a lipstick lesbian/femme or butch gay guy before? Obviously not, welcome to the 21st century! Yes, like you said, they're suposed to be taken with a grain of salt, but honestly these genralizations only match about 50% of cases max. in knowing that one would be better off just not applying your rules at all because even after doing so you'd still be wondering "Gay? Or straight?"
Allie - I am gay and have spent more time in the Castro than I care to admit. :) There is something to be said about certain physical and behavior traits that we unconsciously pick up on and use to know that someone else is gay. If you have excellent gaydar and want to explain your secrets, by all means please share!
Good for a laugh... thanks.
I'm pretty sure retired Brigadier General Keith Kerr didn't offer many of the clues during his 45 years in the Army
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIQTWX0bo7g
Don't ask, don't tellhttp://hubpages.com/hub/Dont-Ask--Dont-Tell-in-the
Ok...I agree with all your observations except one. I HATE country music and by the way the Dinah Shore golf thing and ANY women's festival, but I think the stereotype has some truth to it. The festivals are a lesbian mecca; a right of passage. I prefer dance music, reggaeton and Latin jazz, and groups like Disturbed. Maybe that's heavy metal-ish though. Love the Hub.
Very funny! When I first moved to LA, I lived out the tv show 3's Company, except I was a straight man who shared a house with 2 gay men, one out, and one in the closet. Well, his bedroom was bigger than a closet, in fact he had the master suite, but-
Anyway, I partied with these gentlemen a lot (and I highly highly recommend it!) and everywhere we went, everyone knew I was straight, one was out and one was hiding (at least in the West Hollywood haunts we haunted). I could dance in the middle of the dance floor by myself or with a roomie, and dress in a similiar black shirt, blue jeans combo, but somehow, I was always "in-ed".
Now I know that I was giving off subtle vibrations. I called it moving to the beat, and never listned when people told me I can' t dance. Who knew I was broadcasting?
Bless your heart - most of the time straight men really go out of their way to prove they're not gay. You were trying to fit in but your straightness was probably just glaringly obvious to anyone with decent gaydar.
Take heart - we love straight men who are comfortable enough with who they are to not constantly be obsessed with the worry that someone might mistakenly think they're gay. You're a rare breed! (although I have to say more common with younger and younger generations, who haven't been necessarily programmed to think being gay is so taboo)
Cheers, Bailey!
I enjoyed this humor quite a bit! I hear Jodie Foster finally came out. I always thought she was such a cutie...
Bet Hinckley feels like a dolt, though.
"Gay men dislike nicknames. Gay men want their name as long and formal sounding as possible, like they really want to reclaim the name their mothers called them when they were angry. It's much rarer to meet a gay Chris than a Christopher, for instance. It's never "Tom", it's "Thomas". And forget calling a gay man "Andy"--it's "Andrew", or, even better yet, "Andrew Michael".
Conversely, lesbians will shorten their names to the most masculine sounding nickname possible. "Christine" is always "Chris", "Leslie" is "Les", and "Georgia" always ends up as "George" (no, I'm not kidding). If the name is impossible to shorten to a masculine-sounding nickname, like Jennifer or Virginia, then it's just a single letter: "J" and "V"."
Not necessarily true! :P I have a few friends who are gay men, and they didn't abide by those guidelines. The one that I was friends with (and very flambuoyant, so that anyone who didn't notice must be both blind and deaf :P) is named Josh, short for Joshua. He prefers his nickname. :P
A lot of these things would set someone's gaydar off with me. XD
Great article. It was very interesting to read. :)
U GO GIRL IT IS A GAY THING. LOL
You are so right on!! :-)
This was a fun read-...a lot of metrosexual men could set off the gaydar
Oh crap I might be a lesbian.
It's really hard to say with people...how do you categorise androgony.
I know i'm a lesbian and most of these are right, I really must say it dose depend on the person. I am totally falling for this older woman who is "handy" and loves country very cowgirlish and is always commenting on how beautiful women are, but she says its not lusty some women are just beautiful and she believes in God. Sometimes she even makes comments about guys using words I would never use to hurt some one or call someone that name like (fag or fairy pervert) I would never say these to hurt someone only if i was joking, sometimes she takes it a little to far. I wish she would give in and kiss me.
haha I'm a lesbian, but only "the walk" applies to me
I am worried about my son. His mom is very unaffectionate so he looks to me for affection which I give to him. Kisses hugs snuggles an I love you. I am worried that this could cause him to have same sex attrction. DO you agree. Also he has a few cross gender issues. Like he loves ice skating but not basketball and has a feminine squeeling thing that he does. Although he also love guns and ninjas movies. DO I need to be soncerned??
I'm not a psychologist but I think actually withholding affection from your children makes them crave it even more as an adult. It sounds like he is affectionate but not in a sexual way. And giving him the tactile attention that every child needs is probably a good thing since his mother doesn't give that to him. He could be gay - would that really be so horrible if he was? If he is gay, TRUST ME, there is nothing you can do about that. You can only choose to be a loving, accepting parent, or not.
you may be right in some points but i guess there are no typical stereotypes for gaymen or gay women. i can certainly see cross-overs with your criteria. it's really hard to pin-point if one is gay or lesbian. bottomline is - you really have to see them doing what a gay or lesbian usually do, meaning when two guys or girls do it. lol
LOL. and I thought Richard Simmons was married.
Now I am gonna have to go and change my comfortable working around the house shirt or someone's gaydar is going to go off. Haha.
Donna
Hmm. So when I was pretending to be an 'ex gay' (to make my church peeps happy), I used my whole name, which is ten letters long. Like a gay man. I hated to have it abridged in any way. Then when I went all professional, I simply had my students call me my initials, since I don't like any other nickname derived from my name. Like a dyke.
I don't swagger, but I do--what did you call it?--work it, I think. Strut? I loathe country music, gas-guzzling vehicles (the bigger the worse), heavy metal and having my picture taken. I love Europop (even the group by that name), trance music, and people watching. I'm a huge people watcher. When I was in my 20s (in the early 90s), I wore really tight clothing, as did my girlfriend.
On the other hand, even when I was going through that 'ex gay' phase, it seemed I set off every gaydar in the region, so I've clearly got that certain special something. But then again, I've always been cryptic as to what it is about me that makes me so lez.
Love the posting.
Only matched one: #2.
haha! hilarious dude, and so true lol
Chan says:6 months ago
My gaydar goes off for Joseph Gordon-Levitt. (Kid from Third Rock from the Sun, and the movies Brick, Latter Days, Manic, and Havoc)
Anyone else?
OMG, Chan! Absolutely! There was a magazine spread recently (Vanity Fair I think) where he was posed in some very suggestive pix with Claudia Schiffer. She was smokin hot...made up to resemble Brigitte Bardot. He looked like he would rather be anywhere else. My gaydar went off right away.
Re: Relache's comment some way up. I've actually been told by a friend that I am a gay man in a woman's body. No joke. Another one of my friends calls me "Queenie" for precisely the same reason.
Sorry about the comment befor I wasn't sure if my comment would come up and it would be perrty pointless if I wrote a lot and would not even come up.
My name is Amelia but a lot of my frends call me lucky. I got my nick name becues I kept loseing a lot of bets at one point. Alot of times Lesbains give nick names to there girlfrends becues thir parntes don't know. We don't do it cause we want to we do it to proctect our self from haters.
I do lissen to havey mteal. But that the thing IM
I thought my gaydar was on target but this helped mine out. Mine was all about just go for who looks like they fit the part and assume they're gay. I think I the one where they look at everyone possible it right on from watching some of my friends. The best is when you see a strait guy talks about a more sensative male and that sensative guy ends up having the hottest girl in the place. I am strait and I get the biggest kick out of that because guys are so quick to judge. Very interesting - great write up.
working
traffexone says:
2 years ago
The GayDar, great article. Did the GayDar go off for George on Greys Anatomy?