Get Unstuck!

Ted's Story: Stuckness

Ted, a coaching client, approached me with his plan to stop smoking in 2008. He came up with a quit date and a plan. He started to follow his plan. Cut down. Then nothing.

Stuck.

I began our coaching session to troubleshoot his struggle with my usual opening question, "What would you like to focus on during today's collaboration?" This is really a pro forma question. Clients do a prep form before each session; I meticulously track goals and monitor progress; resulting in focused and thought-out coaching sessions.

In response, Ted, sputtered, "My golf game." Golf game? Ted went on to complain about a perfect practice round at a local golf course. He returned the following day for a competition and blew stroke after stroke. "I played like a pro and the very next day on the very same course I played like a beginner! How can that be?" This expectation was a significant source of stress for Ted. In fact he reported to me perseverating on this issue all week long.

Stuck.

Before I could respond to his golf question, Ted began to complain about the performance of his financial portfolio. "I need to do something about this too. I am losing money -- I mean I make money -- but then I lose it." Ted told me he went online and checked the performance of his mutual fund every day. This daily ritual was a significant source of anxiety and worry for Ted.

Stuck.

"Its no wonder that I am continuing to smoke with things like this going on!" proclaimed Ted.

Finally Ted took a breath and I challenged this thinking where he ascribed his difficulty with smoking cessation to stress, anxiety and worry.

I explained to him that I believed his "stuckness" with regard to smoking was a result of the short-term / long-term dynamic. This same dynamic was in play with the stress related to his perfect golf score and the expectation that this pattern would continue. This same dynamic was in play with the anxiety and worry related to the performance of his mutual fund. He was "stuck" in all three arenas because his perception of the short-term overshadowed his perception of the long-term.

Ted's not alone in his struggle with this dynamic. Millions of people struggle with this dynamic.

This dynamic zaps people's motivation and perseverance. This dynamic undermines people's goal focus.

This dynamic is the single-most powerful explanation of why people struggle with everything from weight loss to smoking cessation.

This dynamic keeps people stuck.

Understanding how you are stuck is the first step to getting unstuck

Before we can unstick ourselves we need to understand how this root dynamic plays out. Typically, people continue in physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually unhealthy behaviors because the short-term gains outweigh the long-term pains. Concurrently, people don't stop these same behaviors because the short-term pains outweigh the long-term gains.

Let's explore this in more detail using Ted's cigarette smoking behavior. Ted gets the urge to smoke, takes out a cigarette, lights up and takes a puff. Within seconds he experiences positive gains: the discomfort from his urge ends, he feels more relaxed, the nicotine impacts his emotional state, he gets a break from what is going on at work or home. There are no negative pains during this time period. All of the negative pains are years down the road: cancer, emphysema, shortened life span, just to name a few. Easy to forget. There is no urgency to these negative pains. So from a minute-by-minute, day-by-day perspective the short-term gains outweigh the long-term pains.

Now let's take a look at the dynamic that happens when Ted chooses to stop his cigarette smoking behavior. He gets the urge to smoke and chooses not to. Within seconds he experiences negative pains: the discomfort from his urge increases, he feels more anxious, emotions he has mediated for years seem unrestrained and he has few skills to manage them -- after all nicotine did it for him all these years. Ted sees no positive gains during this time period. All of the positive gains are years down the road: less risk of cancer, able to breathe more easily, longer life span, just to name a few. Easy to forget. There is no pull to these positive gains. So from a minute-by-minute, day-by-day perspective the short-term pains outweigh the long-term gains.

The short-term / long-term dynamic is in play in Ted's stress about his golf score as well as his anxiety and worry about his mutual fund. Ted has gotten "sucked in" to an unrealistic short-term view of a perfect score based on a perfect performance on the golf course. This is completely unrealistic. Realistically, Ted should look at his performance over the long-term -- is his golf average getting better over time? Like most long-term views, this seems far and removed. The same is true with his mutual fund expectations. By looking at the fund performance on the Internet each day, Ted has encapsulated his perspective in the short-term. He sees losses and the potential for long-term gains seems far and removed.

Where are you stuck? The 2⁸ (2 to the power of 8) Grid

Where is this dynamic at play in your life? Every person has an area in their life where they are stuck. It is likely that the short-term / long-term dynamic is at play.

So what do you do about it?

The first step is to analyze your situation. Use a 2⁸ grid. In other words look at what is going on at 2 seconds, 2 minutes, 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years and 2 decades.

Fold a piece of paper in half width-wise, then in half length-wise. In the first quadrant, list, 2⁸, the good things you will experience in continuing your behavior. In the second quadrant, list, 2⁸, the bad things you will experience in continuing your behavior. Then in the third quadrant, list, 2⁸, the good things you will experience in stopping your behavior. Finally in the fourth quadrant, list, 2⁸, the bad things you will experience in stopping your behavior.

I have created an online form to help you at: http://Unsticker.TrueAzimuth.biz

Once you have completed this process you can't help but see where -- and how -- you are stuck. You will see the forces at play and when they come into play.

A tug-of-war

These forces compete in a tug-of war with your physical, emotional, mental or spiritual health as the prize. .

You need to decide which side you are playing on. This is a BIG decision. And its worth noting here what that decision clearly is about. Note that is not about deciding which side your children want you to play on. Its not about deciding which side your spouse wants you to play on. Its not about deciding which side your boss wants you to play on. Its not about deciding which side your next door neighbor - bowling partner - minister - sponsor - lawyer - doctor - get-my-drift? wants you to play on. Its about deciding which side YOU want you to play on.

Its a BIG decision.

Assuming you have made the decision to get unstuck you need to ratchet up your teams forces. This is most likely the long-term team. The fact that you are stuck means that the short-term team is overwhelmingly crushing the long-term team. You need to bring the long-term into the short-term and even up the playing field.

Look at your 2⁸ grid. Check for an emergent pattern. Some strategies should come to mind after some thoughtful consideration.

Some strategies to consider

Images can help bring the future into the present. They can even the playing field between the short-term and the long-term. This is not new news. I remember saving for my first car and taping a photo of it to my savings passbook. Photos of good things, photos of bad things. Making a public commitment. Announcing your intention to the world adds power to it. Asking your friends to support and encourage you raises public commitment to the next level. Support groups and accountability buddies raise this commitment even further. Shift your language: use the present tense. Journal your successes. Get a personal coach.

Get your bearings. Then get going!

Want more ideas? Complete the worksheet at: http://Unsticker.TrueAzimuth.biz and I will send you feedback on your plan via email within 72 hours.