Get Your Message Across

A soft answer turneth away wrath.

Proverbs 15:1

That may sound like a silly question. Most people would say the only purpose of saying something is to be heard. But often the way we say things works against our being heard. Let me tell you about an incident I saw awhile back.

I was in a restaurant and seated about two tables over was a man, I would guess in his fifties, and his father. The father looked to be about 25-30 years older than the son.

I am not sure exactly what they were discussing but it was clear that the son was trying to convince the father about some course of action which would be necessary to take in the future. The father was not buying what the son was saying. But here was the thing I found interesting. As the conversation continued, both the father and the son were not listening to each other. But with each turn in the conversation, the volume would increase.

Each thought the way to make their point was to talk louder. It was clear that each was simply restating the same point or points only in a louder voice. Soon it was becoming uncomfortable for everyone around them. At last the father cut off the discussion by saying, "I don't want to talk about it any more. Just drop it."

I felt like both were wrong in their approach. But I was not about to interject my opinion into an already heated discussion. But there are some lessons we all can learn from this episode.

Raising your voice lowers your effectiveness

If you really want to be heard, do not raise your voice. People quit listening. Raising your voice indicates a hostile attitude. People get defensive and even "strike back" with hostile words of their own. Once emotional hostility has entered the conversation there is very little chance of effective communication.

I also observed that the son was trying to tell the father what to do. That rarely works. People do not like to be told what to do. Rather than telling someone what they must do, frame it in options that you can live with. Instead of telling his father what to do, the son would have been much more effective if he had suggested a couple of options for the father. The only thing the son would have to do is to be sure that either of the options was okay with him.

To be heard, lower you voice and offer options

It does no good if people will not listen to what you say. It is also pointless for people to hear you but not accept what you say. There are two things you can do to improve your chances of people hearing and accepting what you say. Always speak in a controlled manner. You have a much better chance of being heard if you lower your volume rather than raise it. And telling someone what they must do generally has negative consequences. You have a much better chance of being heard if you will suggest courses of action that allow the person to have some control over the decision process. Allow them to choose the exact course of action so long as they arrive at the end result you wanted.

People hear with their ears, but they listen with their heart. If your words do not connect emotionally, no one will hear or act on what you say.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.

Mother Teresa