Getting Back with your Ex

Getting back with your ex may be worth trying, but the reality is - it rarely works. Why? Because, as they say in the song, breaking up is hard to do. Moving out of a relationship requires a lot of effort, especially if you live together, so it's not something anyone does lightly - even though it can look like it to the "wronged" party.

Remember, at least one heart was broken first time round. If it was yours, how willing are you to risk putting yourself through that again? How much do you trust your ex not to walk out again?

On the other hand, if you were the one who left, ask yourself why you’re contemplating going back. Whatever drove you away, are you confident it won’t happen again? Has your ex changed the behaviour you couldn’t live with? Will it last? If you’re trying again to be kind to your ex, don’t do it! It will fail, and raising false hopes will cause him or her far more pain than a clean break.

There is one single, fundamental reason behind most failed relationships: one of the partner's had needs that weren't being met. WHY they weren't being met, is the big question: it could be because the other party wasn't doing the right thing, but it could also be that their needs were unreasonable.

Everyone has basic needs (as opposed to "wants", or "nice to haves"). These needs are an essential part of our personality and they can't be changed. That's why they're called "needs" - we need them to survive. Without them, we feel incomplete or unhappy.

If you have a relationship where both partners share the same needs, it's usually successful because they are heading in the same direction. If you have a relationship where each partner satisfies the other's needs, it will work, too.

But if you have a relationship where each partners' needs are incompatible, each will to see the other's demands as unreasonable - and then you have a recipe for failure and a relationship that can never be fixed, because it's not realistic to ask one or both of the partners to change their needs.

What do I mean by incompatible needs? Well, someone who values a quiet, solitary life would find it hard to live with someone who loves company. A man who needs routine and predictability in their life would frustrate a woman who craved variety and change. A woman who needs the constant company of her partner would be in conflict with a man who needed freedom to pursue his own interests.

It's not realistic to ask any of the people in these examples to change their needs, because they don't choose to feel that way - needs are inborn.

So you can see that an understanding of needs, and how they weren't met, is vital to the success of your re-formed relationship. Strangely for such fundamental things, many of us have no clear idea what our needs are, so you can see that it takes effort to work this out. A counsellor can help, and has specialised tools like questionnaires to help you understand yourself and your partner.

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All text copyright Marisa Wright. Photo courtesy of CTaylor on Flickr.