"Because I Said So!" (Oh - that'll work, right?)

Introduction: We all want our kids to eat right, and it isn't easy. We should be concerned. Too much sugar is readily available and it can cause serious health problems over time. Sometimes, we feel that we just have to "force" and command to get kids to make healthy food choices. However, unless you're dealing with someone under 4 years old, the words "Because I Said So!" just don't get good results.

Getting kids to eat the food that's been prepared for them is often a real challenge.

Over the years, I have discovered the subject of kids and food is a very touchy one with parents; and while parenting foster kids, good eating choices for them was one of our main challenges. Emotions are often expressed through what we choose to eat, even for "grown ups." Rebellious, mad, or sad kids often either eat nothing or only what they pick and choose. Candy for snacks, ice cream when we're hot, pies and cakes when we're mad, mashed potatoes and gravy when we celebrate holidays or have company.

In my conversations and parenting workshops, I've heard many "yeah, but's" during my presentations regarding food rules for children. Because of that, I want to talk a little more about this specific issue. What I learned in the foster care laboratory, can help families in general.

While raising these 250+ children, we ran into the lion's share of food situations with kids. When dealing with kids who have behavior or loss issues due to abusive experiences, illness, crisis, or just plain rebellion, a parent must pick their battles carefully. Anytime you decide to struggle with kids over food, you become the loser before you begin.

As with sleep, eating cannot be forced. These tasks differ completely from on demand requests to "take out the trash" or "pick up your clothes." Children can be told to "go to bed," but not to "go to sleep." They can be instructed to "sit at the table during mealtime," but not to "eat the meatloaf."

Power Struggles

It's so important to remember what the real issue is, and step out of your frustration over what the kids choose or refuse to eat. Those power struggles are useless and only serve to weaken your authority, and more importantly, your relationship with the child. If kids already have trust issues or excell at rebellion, they often are expressing their feelings and desire for a measure of control through their eating choices. The more upset you become, the more power they have, and the more they choose to upset you.

So, take a deep breath, agree that there is a problem, and resolve to stay unemotional, keeping the issue at hand about their health, not your "power." As parents, we get so defensive over these things, and forget our original desire was to just get the kiddos to eat something good for them.

Food tastes are so individual and they seem to change constantly. Years ago, I didn't like asparagus, yet I love it now! I still don't like broccoli, and if someone tried to force me to eat it, I'm sure I'd throw up. And don't even mention liver and onions to me. The point is, we all have our likes and dislikes, and I believe those inclinations need to be respected, for the most part. So, decide to give the kids some power, and have healthy eating become a lifestyle, learned one meal at a time.

Table Talk

A conversation between parent and child at mealtime might go something like this:

Dad: "Hey there David, try some of these little green bushes, they sure look good to me."

12 year old David: "ooo No! I think they stink!"

Dad: "You do? Brussel sprouts do have a special smell all their own. I think that's to keep kids from eating them all."

David: "Well, it's working."

Dad: "Mmm, I love that buttery sauce."

David: "blahhhhyck!"

Dad: "Well, you might try just one bite. If not, remember the "No Thank You" rule and pass them on and then back to me. Yummm! How was basketball practice today?"

During this conversation Dad mentioned one or two things about the food that he liked, agreed that the odor is a bit different, used a little humor, was un-emotional, reminded the child of the rule of refusal, gave the child permission to say no, and then changed the subject. No one was threatened, punished, pleaded with, and it was no big deal. I don't think anyone died or went to jail from not eating brussel sprouts. Who knows, one day David might even take a bite on his own.

Common Sense to the Rescue

Let me introduce you to another "trick" that was again discovered by accident. Fifteen year old "Rachel" hated whatever the main dish was for every evening meal. She managed to maintain her slim figure by picking at vegetables, and who knows what food she sneaked. One night, she wrinkled her nose at the meatloaf and said something that gave me a clue. "I don't like what's in it."

I replied: "You don't? What do you think is in it?"

She said "All gooey stuff."

I asked her "What would you like to be in it?" All of this was said as she refused most of the food on the table and the rest of us were stuffing our mouths with satisfaction. I was quietly refereeing disagreements over more mashed potatoes with the other kids.

She said, "I don't know but I sure wouldn't put this stuff in it."

As I took another bite, I said, "Ok, well, maybe you could help me make it another way. Let's invent our own 'family-specially-made-by-Rachel-meatloaf' later this week."

"Ok, I bet it'll be better than this. Uh-No offense," she added.

"None taken, I think it'll be fun to make up another meatloaf." I replied.

Kids in the Kitchen, Smiles at the Table

Later in the week, we both looked up recipes, taking ingredients we thought might be good, and went shopping. We ended up trying a ground turkey loaf, and discovered many things when we put it together. Rachel was fearful of the eggs because they were raw, not realizing they held the meatloaf together. I was willing to leave them out, and we added more bread crumbs and some yogurt. This had to be her recipe. We made 3 different varieties in little pans, and she eagerly took a bite of all three that evening. She decidedshe didn't like any of them a lot, but she could eat them again if we served it.

It's Not About the Parent

I thought that was great progress. Sometimes I had to bite my tongue and not take her comments about my cooking personally, but inch by inch, she learned to eat new things. One day, she even told a friend that I was a good cook, especially when she helped. Well, kids can say the "dandiest things," yes?

Here are some other things a parent can do that seem to help kids make good choices about food:

• Limit junk food in the house.
• Allow junk food sometimes.
• Be a good example of eating healthy.
• Increase everyone's exercise, including yours!
• Equate eating food with exercise. (see below)
• Involve kids in meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking.
• Watch the cooking channel together.
• Craving Sweets? Teach the kids how to make homemade candy. That will involve math, language, and science, all in the same hour. Even history, as someone could look on the internet to find where the food item originated, and how many calories are in that sugar, and what would be good substitutes.
• Keep mealtime conversation POSITIVE.
• Have ethnic food nights once in a while.

Use others for help in "teaching." Enroll the kids whenever possible in actual cooking classes in your area - or start one! Invite a family friend or relative to come and teach everyone how to make their specialty (homemade bread, fudge, spaghetti, etc) Note: Always supervise the kids closely - no sharp objects for them, no going off into another room for the parent, etc.

Keep it simple, keep it cheerful, and keep the parenting smart! Hold your critical comments, give them healthy choices, and step out of your feelings for the moment. You'll make progress!

Author's Note: If you believe your child may have a serious eating disorder, consult your physcian or counselor for further advice. Also, when equating food with exercise, you might say something like, "Well, if I eat that cake, it means a 30 minute walk." They'll soon learn: "eating equals walking; equals weight maintenance; equals better health." It's time to eat!