One of the core elements in achieving success with control of boundaries between the young family (father, mother, kids) and the grand parents is getting the grandparents to acknowledge the autonomy of the young family.

Autonomy of the Young Family

For successful interaction of the young family the authority holders in that family (mother and father, see further discussion) need to first realize themselves the encapsulation of the family.

That is, the actual family comprises of them, the parents and their kids. This is it.

Situations can be much more complex where custody (legal or de facto) is exercised by other than the parents. But for the sake of answering the main topic and not getting distracted by detail complexities we would assume a family model where the parents have the custody of the kids.

Again, as a first check point the authority holders (usually one or both of the parents may be in certain priority depending on the specific culture of the family)should themselves be happy with the realization that their family is them and their kids. They are the first level authority of their kids and important questions are resolved between the parents and the kids in any case.

Interaction of the Young Family with the Rest of the World

Every active and normally functioning family of course has a tight interaction with the rest of the world. In different respects and different sections of their social life.

After the authorities in the family realize and accept as a reference point these boundaries of the family they have to do their best to positively project their understanding to the closest extended family, farther extended family and the rest of the world that interacts with them.

First point of interaction for the family and especially the kids in it may be the immediate, close extended family. Those would be grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins etc.

Not all grandparents will accept that they are outside the boundaries of the young family very easily or quickly. Here is where the authorities in the young family need to give their best try to positively portray that.

Best approach would be to in a calm and friendly manner talk about how the mother and the father have started the new family with their belief that they have the ultimate authority on deciding on issues. Help and reference to valuable experience from the closest extended family would be used but that is all subject to decision of the parents.

The kids will definitely have interaction with and receive influence from the whole extended family. The priority of influence should be made clear to the kids and to the family and for everyone there should be a clear picture of it. All issues are first influenced by the parents, then in certain priority members of the extended family – grand parents, uncles etc.

Every family would have this figured out depending on certain culture that already exists. But whatever it is it has to be the parents who decide on it and where needed made clear explicitly or influenced and imposed otherwise.

One thing is clear, there does not need to be any confrontation about it. It has to be a plan of agreed action.

The young family has to always remember that extended family members can be valuable source of advice especially if any of them have more experience. Older members will usually have much more experience with bringing up children. The more experienced members of the extended family, like grandparents, for advice is one of the best positive ways to reaffirm their sense of value to the young family while keeping them at a level of separation from the kids.

There always will be cases where the grandparents (or other extended family members for that matter) will have direct interaction and communication with the kids. In many of these cases these family members will have more authority to decide on issues and direct the kids. In such cases the non-parent members should first follow any rules that the parents might have set and should always demonstrate in front of the child that the parents authority is first. But in situations where the parents rules are not clear or present and where important decision needs ot be made by a grown up the grandparents or other members should act in the role of a direct authority in the best interest of the children.

There are further authority levels even outside the extended family. The kids will at certain point start interacting with the rest of the society. Similar scheme of levels of priority and influence should be followed by the parents educating that way the kids. The kids will start interacting with friends, school, church or other institution of belief, government administration. The kids have to be thought what the general priority of influence should be in all of these cases and in what cases temporarily a representative of certain institution – teacher, police officer – etc. can be in the position to hold first level authority.

Authority Holders

We mentioned the expression authority holders in the young family. Depending in the culture of the family and the surrounding society these could be different. If we speak of the authors limited awareness of different cultures, in the case of a western world society most likely the authority holders will the mother and the father. No particular order is suggested by the mention of the two figures in this text. But in the specific case of the family usually it will be both on the same level or some of them – the mother or the father would have a leading role. This is really a discussion for a separate topic but whatever the culture of the family suggests sold work as an authority figure(s) to first agree in an autonomy of the young family and then project that understanding to the extended family and close friends.

Exceptions

There are always exceptions to how a family is structured and the current text refers more specifically to the request that specifically asked how present parents deal with limiting, or not necessarily limiting, but brokering the influence of the grandparents.

There will always the cases of a single mother or single father where the help of a grandparent or other extended family member may be needed in a more active form. May be in such cases more authority needs to be given to such members. May be in certain cases the parents or the single parent may not be present or not always present for all activities and functions an adult needs to play. These cases will create a need for a special authority of a different member of the extended family or a friend to be exercised. In any case the person who have direct custody right of the kids have to make a decision on how such authority is going to be leveled.