Sometimes I wonder if God really made everything. There are some things whose existence I am sure was not meant to be. For example, did God make despair? Did God invent pain, hurt, humiliation? Is God the creator of death (I actually mind this one less than the others)? On the one hand it's hard to believe, because every good and perfect thing is supposed to come from God, not every horrible, painful, and negative thing as well. But, when I think about it, it does in a sense seem possible that He did invent these things. Or maybe He let them exist as possible consequences to our actions.

But the specific question I had was regarding despair: is despair from God? If it is not, then is despair a sure sign that we are being deceived, that the messages we are believing are not of God? I don't know about you, but I don't really want to believe a message that fills me with despair, hopelessness, and a lack of the joy of the Lord that I am supposed to be filled with. How can that possibly be of God?

But maybe it is (partially). Maybe God wants us to despair of ever being able to do enough to earn relationship with Him so that we will stop doing and simply open ourselves up to be with Him right here, right now, as we are, imperfections and all. Maybe God uses it in the same way He used the Law for the Jews: to show us that we can't do it apart from Him and His grace and strength.

But if we are already taking steps to give up our striving and our "try harder" performance-based lives, should we still be subject to these lessons of despair, these rules that kill our souls in their utter impossibility? Should I, having given up my striving, be made to feel guilt and despair that I am not striving enough? Should I, having learned my utter hopelessness on my own and having determined to rely solely on God, be made to feel guilty that I don't try hard enough? Should I, now knowing that doing church activities is not enough, be duped into believing that simply being in relationship with God and chasing after Him heart and soul is not enough?

Surely this should not be happening! It almost feels as though the church is actually working against truth sometimes! How can this be? How can we all have fallen so far together that we are judging each other like this? Does it matter what God has people do as much as whether or not they are doing it? Do we dare assume we know whether or not God is speaking to people based purely on whether or not we like what they say He has told them to do? Sadly, I think we do. I think it would not be that hard for me to slip right back into this thing of weighing the probability of God telling someone to do that and make a judgment based on my own limited human reason, emotion, and perspective. As arrogant as it would be, it would not be hard to do. We are so easily convinced right back into this "being like God" mentality of trying to be the judge instead of letting God be the Judge.

The first step is not changing the way we think about people. It is not letting go of our assumptions, it is not trying hard to stop judging, and it is not letting other people be what God wants them to be. No, the first step is for us to go back to God, get reconnected to Him, and let Him do the rest of the work in us. If we try to change ourselves on our own it will not be lasting change. No, we cannot change ourselves, and we cannot manipulate God into making the kind of changes for us that we want. All we can do is come to God openly ourselves and trust Him to do whatever is necessarily in His own perfect time.