Dear Friends:

ABOUT BECKY:

No one really knows me here in these blogs. Sometimes I am compelled to write. Sometimes I think about our beautiful Becky. Becky is our sweet and precious little darling. She has never walked a single day in her life. She was born on February 13, 1975, and she is everything to me, our charming and darling little girl.

LAW ENFORCEMENT: 

I took and interest in law enforcement when I was a younger man. I had problems facing the fact that our baby might never walk. Becky has a neurological disorder that effects the free movement of her arms and legs. She can only use her right hand, and see from her right eye.

ABOUT BECKY:

Becky is very sweet and lovely. She won three beauty contests in her youth. She and I look after one another while my wife does the grocery shopping. I do not walk much. Pain in my body keeps me from standing up for long periods of time, not longer than two or three minutes.

LAW ENFORCEMENT: 

When I was young I put my life on the line many times. I believe a lot of law enforcement officers do. I also worked in security positions. All my jobs had there dangerous moments I guess.

SEEKING SELF RESPECT:

I would give anything I have or possess in my life, and of my life on this earth in order for our sweet little child to walk. I often feel ashamed and very guilty most nearly all the time, most of my life to know end. I feel as if I have imposed on others, or have taken something away from people when I talk about Becky, yet I keep on doing it as if I have some kind of terrible addiction. I try my best to seek some degree of self respect and dignity but I keep falling into the same pit over and over. I feel as if I can only take just so much and then I break and break and break and I cannot escape the flood of teers that follows. I cannot stop talking about our personal lives.

THE IMPACT OF FINDING OUT BECKY WOULD NEVER WALK:

What happened to our baby literally ripped my heart out. What happened to my wife was horrific to say the least. My beautiful wife had very little to say for five years. What happened to the baby crushed our lives, tortured us mentally. It all happened so quickly. All our hopes and dreams were crushed. We felt so old and so very tired in our youth. All I can say is that I felt that everything in our lives was destroyed.

Becky is wonderful and so is her mother. Becky can use her right hand, but not her left one. Her left hand often remains rolled up into a fist. My sweetheart holds her left hand down with her right one when she is around people so that her left hand or fist does not accidentally move, or bump anyone. My sweetheart has a lot of consideration considering her situation. To see our baby do these things are a crushing matter.

BECKY LOVES CHOCOLATE MILK: 

I want to make her as happy as much as possible by preparing Becky her chocolate milk shakes. She loves chocolate milk shakes. We also have ten cats, and she watches them all play as time goes by.

DREAM OF BECKY STANDING:

Once I dreamed she was standing by her mother in front of a picture window of a dress shop. She was so beautiful and free. I could see exactly how tall she had grown, and they seemed so happy. They seemed so very relaxed and contented.

LIVING IN A DIFFERENT WORLD:

In many ways we lived and still live in a world far away from this one. Our lives are slower and more careful as we lift and carry Becky to our car to take her for rides on some occasions. Be thankful to God that you can walk to your car and do as you please. It is a joy so many people take for granted. Once my father tried to lift Becky to put her in our car, but because he was old he fell to his knees and raised his fist to Heaven and cursed God.

MY FATHER'S FRUSTRATION OVER BECKY:

My father screamed , " Why Christ Jesus did you do this to this baby." I understood his terrible frustrations as he fell to his knees beside our car. I feel awful about many things. My father was and old World War 2 disabled veteran. What a crumby break for him that his only grand baby would be crippled. Dad fought in the jungles for our country. He was a brave soldier and he suffered from shell shock because of the war. We have had our share of pain in our family. My mother carried her younger sister Sarah that could not walk either. Sarah died years ago because of a ruptured appendix.

Jo Ann and I carry Becky when we can. Most of the time Becky uses her motorized wheelchair.We have a cat named Boo. Boo is large. He likes to ride with Becky on her chair. He lies down in front of her so that Becky can pass her hand in his fur. Boo lays where Becky can pet him on her table top. It seems that animals are drawn to Becky and do love us all very much, and often they come around us in times when we feel we could use the love. Our kind animals are priceless to us.

OUR CAT BOO:

Boo likes to come to my office desk. He comes to be hugged and to play. I like to hug him, and I love the cat very much with all my heart as he visits me daily in our home office.

I know I should thank God that I am alive.I could have easily been killed many times. Violence became a major part of my life and carrying a side arm. Violence brings with it the exhausting taste of brass. I know in my heart I became an officer to find a convenient escape from my mind that would give me no peace. Even the most dangerous situations were nothing compared to the crushing things I thought about. Oh God in Heaven I wanted desperately to escape from the worst than depressing thoughts that were truly destroying me.

EARNING MONEY AS A DEPUTY:

I rarely earned money for being a deputy unless it was for special duties. To tell you the truth sometimes I was not fit to be and officer. My mind was not at it's best. I lost my memory for a very long time. Police officers and friends took me under their wings for a long time. Sometimes I could not help myself. I would break down and cry. I think I cried far too long for a man.

My goal was to be a career deputy. I earned money guarding victims of crime and by guarding dangerous criminals. Deputies would tell me that I was one of the best police officers on the force but I did not believe them. I was excellent at stopping violence. I had no fear of guns or of dying. God forgive me but I did not care about my life. My thoughts made my mind very tired. Too much thinking gave me terrible headaches. I would walk right into the line of fire to stop shootings. My shield was God and my badge.

THE EIGHTEEN WHEELER:

The most dangerous thing I did wasin security work. I was paid in security work. I believe I prevented a major explosion from destroying a refinery, and part of a city. I received a call from a gate guard to come right away. He said that a truck was on fire. I jumped into my patrol truck and turned on my emergency lights and took off at break neck speed through the ever turning curves of the refinery. It was a burning 18 wheeler. The truck tires were in flames. The truck driver abandoned his truck and ran for his life. I believe he was afraid his truck would explode because it was filled with propane fuel. The fool abandoned it right next to the refinery fuel loading areas. Thats where all the big trucks loaded their large tanks to transport thousands of gallons of fuel. He ran as fast as he could away from his rig. I never found out who that low life coward was that ran. A lot of contractors wanted to get the hell out of the refinery very fast. In fact the gate arm was down. My concern was only the burning tires. I had to cool down the areas between the flames and the tires. The flames were large but God was with me. When God in Heaven is by your side , nothing is impossible.

CALL ON GOD OUT LOUD WHEN TIMES ARE WORST OR SEEM HOPELESS: 

I learned in life that the best time to call on God is when you feel a situation is hopeless and cannot be reversed. Because God can change any thing that God desires to change. If you want snow in the summer do you think it is impossible? God can freeze the summer if he wishes.

I was not afraid, maybe just a little worried. I was hurt deeply over Becky. I loved our baby with all my heart. I actually saw her face while I was fighting the burning flames and tires. The truck was full of propane fuel and could have blown up the refinery where I was working as a motor patrol officer. I figured I would be vaporized and would feel nothing. I spoke to God. I asked God to keep me alive somehow so I could take care of Becky and my wife Jo Ann. I saw Becky's face. I saw our baby's little face, and it was as clear as a bell right in the burning flames. She was sweet and cute and beautiful. I could see her baby teeth and her beautiful smile. She had two small front teeth. They actually made me laugh. I am sure God was being kind to me. I believe in God with all my heart.

I was tossing water on the burning tires with buckets. The hardest part was waiting for the buckets to fill. I tossed the water between the tires and the underbelly of the tank where the flames were whipping the underbelly. It took a little while for the fire fighters to arrive, but when they did, about twenty of them quickly formed a line so that a hose could be held by them all. They finally blasted the tanker truck with thousands of gallons of water. I guess we all saved the day. If that truck would have blown up, a hell of a lot of people would have been killed by a chain reaction of massive explosions, I think. I will never know for sure, and I am glad of that. At least in my pethetic life,I might have done some good that day. My captain bailed out of his Bronco truck and said, Lee Lee! God in Heaven! What the hell did you get yourself into now! He had a big smile on his face. He was in the Marines as a helicopter pilot during the Vietnam conflict. He looked like he was as happy as a lark in a sea of trout. He was a friend I dearly loved. He did not say a word. He knew what we had to do. I might have been a pethetic man, and an overwhelmed man but I face the world's monsters with all that I've got and with any damn thing I ever hope to have with me if necessary. I will take on hell if necessary.

I saved a family in a shooting situation once. I saved a lot of deputies from getting killed. Becky changed the way I invisioned everything. Jo Ann and Becky are my life. In many ways Jo Ann and Becky are my hero's. How could a torn man have fears.

Time went by too fast. My father and mother have died. My father died very fast of heart failure. My mom died slowly. My father asked me if I would like to go fishing with him, but I had work to do. I told him to go and enjoy himself with my cousin and to catch a lot of fish, and he smiled at me. He died later that day. When I went to the hospital I saw nurses and doctors around him. I peeked through a curtain. They were trying to get his heart to beat. He died. I buttoned his flannel shirt. He looked peaceful. He had old raggedy pants he was wearing. Mom saw that he was also dead. We passed the cemetery on the way home. Mom said," Now this is his new home."

My wife and I took care of my mother when she became ill. She had all kinds of problems. Mom stopped breathing one morning. I administered CPR to her. Jo Ann talked to paramedics on the phone to help give me instructions. Everyone said I saved her life, but I had an experience with God and it was God that saved her life.

DEATH OF MOTHER:

Mom was gone and I prayed for her life. She was elderly. I kept giving her the CPR. I was trained in First Aid in Nuclear Security work.

I felt as if my mother was absolutely gone. Still I prayed, thinking really that a higher power probably would not intervene. I discovered how wrong I was. Something happened and I began to feel very relaxed as if everything in the world would be just fine.

GOD BRINGS HER BACK TO LIFE:

This will sound insane, but I began experiencing a wonderful feeling. It was as if something fantastic had somehow become a part of me. I suddenly experienced a great since of love. It was like no other kind of love I had ever really known. I felt very secure. I am sure it was God. Somehow I knew for a fact that my mother would live before she even took her breath. I knew she would be all right. And then my mother began to breathe. She started breathing again. I could since the life in her again. Life and death or so very different. She was alive again and breathing again. I wanted so badly for the world to have that feeling that I received from God.

THE REST OF MOTHER'S LIFE: 

Four weeks later mom died. I knew she would. God had already told me she would. Mom was almost totally paralyzed near the end of her life, yet somehow she was able to reach out to us, especially Becky.

BECKY AND HER DYING GRANDMOTHER:

We pushed Becky's wheelchair close to her grand mother's bed side. My mom reached out to Becky with her hand shaking. Becky held her hand for a few precious moments. Mom died the next day.

FEELINGS OF BEING CRUSHED:

Much of my life feels crushed inside. All I really want to do in this life is to take good care of Becky and Jo Ann. I created a song that I hope I can finish. It will be for them and for the good of other people too.

GUITARS MY HOBBY:

I play guitars. It took me a long time to learn them. I wish I had a singing voice, but I do not. Maybe someday someone will sing the song.

MY DOCTORS COMMENTS:

My doctors tell me that I have many problems. Breathing is not easy for me. My back is not good. I must use two walking canes to stand up and walk sometimes. My kidneys are not good. I have high blood pressure.

DIABETIC:

I am also a diabetic with congestive heart failure and lung problems. I wrote a book about my wife and child and finished it years ago. When I am not here someday it will be published I hope.

GOD KEEP US STRONG OH LORD:

I pray every day of my life.I must live to help take care of Becky. JoAnn and I are Becky's life. I hear about so many sick people in the world. My heart goes out to people that are very ill. I hope Jo Ann and Becky will always have good lives. There is a lot of love in our wonderful home.

SOMETIMES MY MEMORY FAILS ME:

I am glad my memory is being kind to me. I am surprised I am not repeating myself often. I once drew a lot of pictures of the Mother of Christ. I have a few hundred or more of them. I hope someday they will be seen.

HOPE FOR FEWER WARS:

I hope there will be fewer wars in this world. There is no since in wars killing people for no reason. I am proud of this country because people here care about other people in places like Africa. World War 2 destroyed my father's mind. Somehow we must get more love in this world.

I LOVE TO COOK:

I love to cook when I am feeling well. Becky enjoys stir fried vegetables. Jo Ann likes shrimp mixed into the vegetables so I cook with an electric wok. All I have to do is to sit down in a chair and Jo Ann hands me the soy sauce and thawed out meats and vegetables and olive oil and garlic.

COOKING FOR THE FAMILY:

It is a pleasant process. We like to refrigerate the mixed vegetables, chopped chicken and beef. It is somewhat economical because you can cook a little bit of everything and have a large wok of food. Becky likes it all. She says that the onions and garlic clear her nose. She looks forward to my cooking and says, " Daddy you cook good."

FINDING THINGS FOR BECKY TO DO:

I need to find more things that will interest Becky. She can only use one arm and one hand. She use to enjoy playing her cassette tapes and disks, but she lost interest in a lot of music after my mother died, or rather I should say her grandmother died. Becky however talks every day to her other grandmother on our speaker telephone. Becky could not hold a regular phone without dropping it so I purchased a large speaker telephone and attached it to a wall by the kitchen table. Often when we are around the table either her grandmother will call us, or Jo Ann or I will call her for Becky.

BECKY AND HER EMOTIONS OVER MY FATHER'S DEATH:

Becky never mentions my dad or mom, or rather her grand parents on my side of the family because they are deceased. When they died it was as if they never existed for Becky anymore. It is her way of coping I guess. I do not bother her over it. She loved them very much and she does not want to be reminded of them.

DEATH OF MY FATHER:

The day my dad died, or rather her grandfather, Becky stood up on her legs and screamed. No one knows how she did it. It should have been very difficult for her to just lift herself up from a sofa chair and stand up straight. She just simply began screaming. A few minutes later a neighbor told us that my father had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

DEATH OF MY FATHER:

Becky knew about her grandfather before anyone else. We think that God somehow communicated with her and prepared her for his passing.She was very close to her grandfather. Becky never cried over her deceased grand parents.

My family has suffered a world of hurt. Now it is just Jo Ann, and Becky an I and our cats in our home.

A DREAM OF DAD:

I dreamed of my father. Once I dreamed about him near his grave. In my dream we talked in the cemetery. I asked him what was he doing out of his grave. He politely laughed and told me that it was a ridiculous boring place to be. He talked about it as if it all was just plain silly. He told me he was tired of lying around in the thing.

A DREAM OF DAD:

I saw him again in a ball room. I dreamed of him wearing his military uniform. He was talking to captains and drinking champagne. Everyone was drinking fine wine. All his friends were killed in the war. All his buddies and friends and combat pals were all dead. Every soldier or general or captain or lieutenant was dead. They all looked handsome and young and healthy. The wounded and limbless soldiers had arms and legs. They were having a great time. They were all happy and in their element, talking, sharing the wonders of the marvelous colorful and beautiful ballroom. They all wore white. All the soldiers had shinning medals that could almost blind you. They smiled and toasted in their delights. Everyone there was a hero or heroin. Ladies were dressed beautifully.

DAD AND HIS DISABILITIES FROM WORLD WAR 2 :

My father was talking to other men, other soldiers. He raised his wine glass and the others raised theirs. He did not see me and I was standing beside him. I really loved my father. I wanted to embrace him and just hug him, but I would never do that in the presence of men. I felt it would embarrass him if I hugged him and would hold him tight in my arms. Men do not do such things or act in such a way.

I have been home a few years. I lost my job because of my health. My last job was nothing special. It was brutal for an older man with and injured back. Sometimes I felt like screaming, but I would push myself to work. Medicine became very expensive as well.

MY JOB AT A SUPERCENTER:

I had a job pushing hundreds of grocery carts and picking up heavy items. Pain was so terrible that I took a hand full of pain pills on a daily basis until they killed part of my kidneys permanently. I also developed a terrible problem with anxiety. I had to push myself to work. I would want to work, but in the mornings I would be unable to breathe. It was insane. I could not breathe. Anxiety and stress and pain would cause me to call in sick. It got so to the point where I missed so many days of work that it was not funny.

WORK AND TERMINATION:

I would really want to work, but anxiety would stop me. I was fired. I was terminated. I was the best worker there for a long time until the pain and anxiety destroyed my life.

WON AND ACTION AGAINST A SUPERCENTER:

I did manage to win my rights to my unemployment compensation, but eventually my health problems would stop me from working all together. No one would hire a man with congestive heart failure that used two walking canes to stand up.

I could have gotten my job back where I was fired, but I lost respect for that employer and wanted nothing to do with that Supercenter again.

MY SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY:

Now we live on my Social Security Disability income. We do alright. We pay the bills, and buy groceries. Thank God for the Social Security Disability income.

SICK TIME IN BED:

For a long time I spent months in bed trying to recover from a consistent terrible cough. It was bronchitis that I got after Pneumonia. I did my best not to cough around my family. Bronchitis still keeps me down sometimes.

CLEANLINESS AND VISION:

I never allow Jo Ann or Becky to drink out of my cups. I do not want them to get bronchitis. I lost my ability to see for months. My vision became really bad. I could not see much of anything for a long time. It was very funny in a way because I wore two sets of magnifying glasses. I was the only person in the waiting room that was nearly blind.

NERVE MEDICINE:

I was taking three nerve drugs, but I stopped. For a while I wanted them badly because of nerve pain but I managed to quit them. I have the medicine, but I simply do not want to use them. I want to avoid addictions. I wanted desperately to get off of it all and I did. I only take what I absolutely have to have for my heart, diabetes, and high blood pressure. I am still having anxiety problems but I stay off of nerve medication.

I HELP JOANN:

I help around the house when I can. I love to cook and play the guitars. We have ten cats. Each and every one of them are our sweethearts. When I can I help Jo Ann by washing dishes and by moping the floors, but I have to sit down in a chair and drag myself around everywhere. I may see if I can find a stool with wheels.

OUR ANIMALS BRING JOY: 

Our animals bring great comfort to us. Our ten cats all have wonderful personalities and behaviors. They help us to cope with the trials of life. They bring us so much joy and happiness, and they can be so loving.

OUR OLD HORSE GLADIS:

We lost our horse Gladis that my mother bought for Becky years ago. Gladiswas old and had laid down in her pasture. I tried to pull her up but could not budge her. We loved her so dearly. It was like another stab in my heart. Oh my God the pain never ends. I called a veterinarian, but he told me that it would be best to put her down. I had to pretend I was strong as I allowed the man to end the suffering of the poor animal. My heart cried as I saw the life of Gladis simply fade away. Tell me there are no demons in hell ! Tell me that Satan was not wanting me to die with the horse! When something I love dies, portions of me die too. She was buried in her pasture. I had placed a white sheet over our sweet horse. The vet brought a young man that owned a back hoe. His little sweet little girl was with him. She walked over to me to tell me that the horse was in Heaven. She was such a darling little child.

GLADIS BURIED:

I gave the man enough money to take his little boy and little girl to the shopping maul. I was happy to see them headed for town to enjoy themselves. His little family had come to help me bury my sweet child's horse

MY MOTHER AND FATHER:

I miss my mom and dad. Like everything else they had become old and died. It gets lonely sometimes even though I have Jo Ann and Becky in my life. There is no dismissing our uncanny fate it seems. I must somehow as they say, lift myself up by my bootstraps even though I am old and tired of life's turning events.

CLOSING SALUTATION:

God Bless You. May our Lord in Heaven Protect you and shield you and grant you good health.