Tony was wide awake in his cell. He had awoken from a dream. The same dream he had been having for about 6 months. It was too real. He would always see a lady in white and she would come to him each night. She would never speak a word but always smiled to him. She made him feel safe, she made him feel loved. She was like an angel with her stunning blue eyes.

She was like a goddess that would sit by his bed and touch his leg and gave him peace in his dreams. A place he could find sanctuary from his tormented reality behind these prison walls. Who she was and why she would come to him in his dreams he could never explain. But he loved her and he loved that she was there. Sometimes he felt this girl was his "first love" and he was concerned that she may have passed away. So he often wondered if she had come to him to check up on him. He had heard she had health problems in the past but was never sure if she was ok since she left him and he didn't know where she was or if she had moved on. He always hoped one day he would get to see her again and tell her how sorry he was for the past behavior with their relationship. He was young, dumb and selfish back then. After years of a bad relationship with the mother of his kids he realized what a good thing he let go.

As he lay there thinking of his dream and of this woman with her angelic face he couldn’t wait to get out. He could not help but wonder if this was infact his lost love he kept dreaming about, or perhaps a new love he had yet to find. Either way, all that was on his mind was "Freedom".

He was just about to be paroled from Sheridan Federal Penitentiary after 36 months of time served for drug smuggling over the border. He had grown up in Los Angeles and Tijuana Mexico throughout his life, ending up in San Diego County. He lived the thug life and finally at the age of 33 he realized he was letting his life and his potential at bettering himself slip away.

“I am through with this!” he told himself in his mind.

“This has been an ongoing waste of my life and I am ready to make a new start. I want to go to College, I want to get a better education, find someone who I can be good to and get married and finally be a dad to my kids.”

When the day arrived he was ready and willing. It was October 25, 1999. As his cell door opened and an Officer came to escort him away he picked up his affects and carried them with him down the long corridors. He saw some of his homies in their cells. Some were happy to see him leave and make a new start. Others were jealous and some were indifferent. Nevertheless he didn’t mind what anyone thought of him. He just wanted out!

As he was released he was given $200 cash, his clothes and a one-way plane ticket to San Diego. He looked at the ticket. It was an Alaska Airlines flight # 578 Departing Portland International Airport at 1:59 pm and Arriving at 4:21 pm to San Diego. The day was bleak in Oregon. An overcast day but he knew once he was back in SD it would be clear blue skies.

“The Officer will give you a ride to the airport Mr. Castro,” said the one of the Main Officers. He got in the vehicle and left. The ride was nice. He didn’t care where he was going as long as it was away from there.

He sat there gathering his thoughts. “I am never going back to the Penn, Never! I would rather die than ever go back,” he kept telling himself in his head. The ride was about 15 minutes long and a very quiet ride at that. Almost too quiet but he didn't care.

All he could think of was his chance to start his life over. And this time, no more mistakes. No kicking it with the homies. No more jales* (slang for jobs) to the border and back with drugs. No more wild days instead it would be hard work and the "Straight and Narrow". He knew it wasn't going to be easy since he was used to the fast lifestyle and easy money. But this was to better himself in the long run. He had to keep reminding himself, "This is for my daughters. I may not be with their trashy mom anymore but I want to show them what a good father is."

“Well here you are!” said the Officer as he pulled up to the airport drop off point.

“Thank you very much!” Tony replied and smiled with his ever so charming Joker grin as he stepped out of the car and walked up to the Entrance..

He walked into the Portland Airport and up to the check-in desk. He was told which gate to go down to and when the flight would be departing. He knew it would be at least an hour or few hours before he left and he was hungry.

He went up to a food kiosk and asked for a bagel with cream cheese.

"It will be $1.75" said the clerk.

He paid the lady out of his $200 he was given when he was released. He noticed the name on her name tag, Liliana.

“How is your day going so far Liliana?" He asked.

“Its going good, thank you for asking!” she replied and smiled at him as if she was surprised to have someone actually care about her day.

He looked her up and down and couldn’t help that the animal in him was raging from being locked up so long. He didn’t want to be rude by staring but he just couldn’t help himself. She was short with dark black hair. She was light skinned with green eyes. She didn't wear much make-up but she was still cute to him. Besides, she was one of the first women he had human contact with in a long time. He just gave her one last smile and started to walk away.

He went up to the gate and found a seat. He started zoning out and trying to remember how long it had been since he had stepped on the sandy beaches. Oh how he loved the feeling of sand in between his toes. He loved the sounds of the ocean as it crashed up on the beach and he loved the sunny days with cool breezes that gently swayed the tall Palms.

e looked out the window and saw that the weather there in Portland was dreary and looked like it was going to rain. It was a little overcast and wasn’t anything like he had hoped for.

Once they started loading the passengers for the flight he became anxious. He was so happy to leave this place and go back home. He boarded the plane and walked to the back. He grabbed a window seat to the right side of the plane just above the right wing. As the passengers loaded, a young Asian teenage boy came and sat next to him. He had to be around 17 years old. He had his CD player and was just sitting there relaxing, listening to his music. Tony was amused by this kid. He was dressed like he was some sort of wannabe thug. Tony could not help but smile, wanting to laugh out loud but not wanting to offend him. He sat back and thought to himself “to each his own”.

He knew how it was to be stereotyped. He knew not to judge a book by its cover. Although everyone who met him on the street would automatically assume he was threatening or intimidating he was actually a really nice guy. Yes he had lived a life of crime, and yes he had become a thug but he didn’t shave his head bald for the fashion statement. He actually started to shave his head in his late 20’s because he developed a complex about his hairline. It had started to recede earlier than he ever had imagined. So by shaving his head bald he thought that he could stay young looking.

When the plane took off he was even more thrilled. The exhilarating rush of the take off was unlike any other time he had experienced on a plane. Maybe it was because he was just so happy to be on his way home.

He looked at the ocean as they flew down the coast. He could hardly wait to get back on the ground and head towards his favorite spot on the beach. He also thought about the dream he had been having for so many months. Hoping that he would make a new start and wishing that the girl he was dreaming so much about was really out there somewhere for him to find. His outlook on his new start was only positive.

He was looking out the window in a daze when the kid next to him tapped him on the shoulder.

“Would you like to listen to it?” he said handing Tony his head phones and CD player.

“Yeah, sure I would. Thanks,” Tony replied back.

He sat back in his seat and put the head phones over his ears. He pressed play and looked out the window again. The song that started to play was Notorious B.I.G.’s- ‘Going back to Cali”. Tony got a huge Joker grin on his face. What a song to play just when he was heading back to Cali himself. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the song as he bobbed his head up and down to the beat. He thought to himself “Oh yeah, Joker is going back to Cali for a fresh start. No more mistakes. No more bad decisions. No more thug life. This is my final chance….Cali here I come!”

Pachuca 213 (copyright) 2009