Goodbye I Love You

 

Goodbye, I love you, On you I’ll smile from above.

Even though I’m no longer with you, I hope you can still feel my love.

Mom and Dad you have been so amazing to me,

That without you I’d never have lasted this long’s clear to see.

 

I’m sorry to all, but it’s time for me to go.

In this damaged body I have no room to grow.

This decision was so hard to make, no one could know

But on this pain-filled world I have no more seeds to sow.

 

Goodbye, I love you, On you I’ll smile from above.

I think that I’m saved but I really don’t know

I pray God take my soul and not send me below.

I know that once I was saved, of this I am sure

But I’ve strayed so far away, my heart’s now so impure.

But I’ve asked God for forgiveness

And I am told He offers the cure.

 

I’m sorry to all, but it’s time for me to go.

The devil’s at my doorstep, ready his wrath to show.

But I’m not about to give him the satisfaction

So I’ll beat him to the punch and take my own action.

 

I am so scared now, but I’m not running away

I’m just acting out my part, the last scene in my play.

 

I’m writing this poem in this type of way

‘Cause my mind’s too messed up on one thought to stay.

Certainly about it to you I couldn’t speak

Even my thoughts are too scattered, letter writing is weak.

 

Even as I write this, I already miss you

I wish I had time to hug and to kiss you.

But I have to go now, my time here is through,

But although I’m gone, know that I’ll always love you.

 

***** NO, THIS IS NOT ME RIGHT NOW!

However, this is a TRUE suicide letter. This was, honest to goodness, my letter that I scribbled on looseleaf paper, which is wrinkled to this day by the teardrops which fell on the page as I wrote. (dammit, I’m crying right now as I type this). I was 22 years old and living at my parent’s house. The Suicidal Plan was a result of a major closed-head injury and the ensuing mental instability (see “The Purpose of Life” for more details). My letter was entitled “Goodbye, I Love You”, and left on my desk in my room just before I hopped in my car for my Last drive to the local marina in the middle of the night, with my .40 caliber Glock, loaded, and on my lap………..