I like google. That is about as passionate of a statement as I can force out of my head when it comes to anything related to technology. Google has served me well in both a professional and porno-graphical capacity and I rarely find myself wanting more. Tonight while getting my eight minutes of news from the Drudge Report I happened upon a link stating "GOOGLE BUSTER: New rival claims to have all the answers... " and I was slightly more intrigued than I was inebriated so I clicked on the link. I was taken to an article addressing wolframalpha.com which is some sort of computational site.  Given that I can't even compute the number of syllables in computation, I felt overwhelmed and just went right to wolframalpha.com to see what all of the fuss is about.

The first thing I notice about Wolffram is that the page is barren with a lot of white and some red and yellow, eerily similar to a gonorrhea discharge. Looking past that point in my life, I see a bunch of charts, some formulas, numbers, conversions and other gibberish and then its explanation of what exactly it is supposed to be:

" Today's Wolfram|Alpha is the first step in an ambitious, long-term project to make all systematic knowledge immediately computable by anyone. You enter your question or calculation, and Wolfram|Alpha uses its built-in algorithms and growing collection of data to compute the answer.  Based on a new kind of knowledge-based computing."

While to the average nuclear physicist that may have cleared things up but for someone like me it just made my eyebrows spasm. So I did what any other cerebral investigator would, I googled the explanation:

It appears that Google, the non "computational search engine" was smart enough to deflect this load of crap right back to Wolframalpha. It only took Google .39 seconds to essentially go ask mom.

So I figured to be fair, I would ask Wolframalpha to explain itself.  

Wolfranalpha didn't know what I was looking for which, oddly enough, was Wolfranalpha. How could a site ever possibly be able to tell me what is the circumference of the third moon of Mars when it can't even recognise it's own existence? And what made it worse is that it took nearly a full minute to provide me with these unsatisfactory results. 

I then went to Google Trends to see what losers like me were searching for today and then compared the results to Wolf.  The hottest search at that moment was for "once upon a time in mexico" which is a movie that came out in 2003 and starred Antonio Banderas as a Mexican gunfighter who has a guitar case as a weapon. While this theme may seem deserving of massive interest six years later, I am assuming it is a body part of Salma Hayek's which is commanding the attention. In any case, this was the hot topic so I check to see where it would lead me.

Google game a bunch of links , some chart, and other stuff but only in two cases did it point me to the movie. 

Wolf was more direct when it brought up specifics about the movie yet failed to provide any links to Salma Hayek's breasts.

In one last attempt to define which search engine was best for my needs, I searched my needs:

A search for penis enlargement on Google yielded an amazing 538,000 results in .19 seconds. While it is inspiring to know that so much help is available for me, I mean men, it is at the same time disheartening to know that finding ways to improve lovemaking performance  can be completed in 1/12 of the time it take to actually perform the lovemaking.

What did Wolfran have to contribute to my manhood?

Wolfran wasn't sure what to do with my input. This is ironic in that I was actually searching for something to help my input which apparently is too little to even address. 

I then went into a mad frenzy trying to find one topic that Wolfranalpha may help me with:

Once again I was let down. I suppose Wolfranalpha has its place on the Internet, but it isn't with me. While there may very well be a need to calculate the average velocity  of a hocker spit out of a train heading east at 50mph, there is a much great need to quickly and efficiently find Hungarian midget porn.