Gramas sad Birthdey bbq and drinkin beer
69This Sundey was Gramas birthdey. I dont know how ol she is cuz she been sayin “still young enough to kick your azz!” since I was two. She remembers the days before telephones and TVs and said people just screwed to have a good time. She looks like this lady here at hubpages too.
So we had a bbq but no one in my family showd up becuz they are skerred of grama when she starts drinkin. For her birthdey I bought her her favrit beer- King Cobra 40 ouncers of malt beer. I don’t mind cuz its cheap and its betta than her askin for some fancy wine like Boones. I got my regular beer but she makes fun of my beer and says she surprised I don’t have a pair of tits awready for drinkin’ it. Sometime when she sees me drinkin it she asks me if I am on my period too. She thinks its funny and calls it my bitch beer. I don’t think its funny. But I laugh to be polite.
But now I know when Grama is drunk and when she becomes mean. Usually after her second forty oz. she starts talkin’ about Wilt Chamberlain
Its her famous person story. She like to tell how she banged him all night long and he fell in love with her. I dont believe he fell in love with her but thats what she says. She said whenever he came to phoenix they would bang but she couldnt fall in love with him becuz couples like that didnt look right. and he cried when they were bangin. She had no respect for him and called him a sissy with a big chorizo. Thats Mexican for sausage. I told her I didn’t want to hear about his chorizo but I understood what she meant about couples like that not looking right. I told her how I had real tall black friend and he had a little Chinese wife. She looked like his daughter sometimes. Really tall people have it tough sometimes dating regular chicks. thats sad cuz sometimes when a chick is smaller they make good spinners when they are on top bangin. You can put yuor finger on them like a top and make em spin around on you.It feels good Hell yeah! But tall people shouldnt let sosiety tell them nuttin its suposed to be a free country.
It was then that my new friend Apocalypto came over to the bbq. I don’t know where he is from I think he is from gauatamala because he don’t speak any English at all. Not even Mexican either. He just smiles like he understands but he waz cool. He likes to drink beer. Even at work. Thats how we met. He is a new laborer.
Grama really thought he was cute. She started pulling on his cheeks and callin’ him her little pig-me. But Apocalypto thought Grama was funny too. Cuz he don't talk and he just smiled and drank his beer. In a little while Apocalypto finished all the beer and Grama started yelling at me in mexican calling me pendeho, puto, pinche mericone, I guess she was tryin to impress Apocalypto with her mexican but I just politely laffed so she wouldnt make a scene cuz I know how she gets and I didnt want Apocalypto to feel uncomfortebl and I didnt think he knew those words anwyas cuz he is gauatamalan. I figured I would go to the store and get more beers but this time I would get some stronger ones for him so I got him some Mickeys.
When I came back. The kids were playin’ Nintendo, my wife was in her room, and Grama and Apocalypto was gone. I asked my wife but she got mad at me and said she was busy text messagin and was on vike-odin to leave her alone. I mumbled to her she was a biyatch becuz she didnt have to be so rude but I didnt say it out loud. So walkedd back outside and saw Apocalyptos van moving.
So I went and looked
in the backwindow.
dudes I didnt like what I saw.And even though they were playin music I could still hear Apocalypto cryin like a baby.
So I went back inside and drank Apocalyptos beer.
he wasn't my friend no more anyweys.
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Comments
no I dont know it. and you try drinkin beer with grama or meybe you wild like her too.
Wow...that's some special granny story, raiderfan!
its sad I know.
Well you do now. You're a peepin' Tom, raider! And I'd drink with her anytime. At least I wouldn't look as strange drinking with boobs as you would!
I will drop her off at yer house then. And I ain't no peepin tom either I awready said Tom is my neighbor. I was just curios.
It's so nice to read about intact, non-dysfunctional families for a change! I wish I had a gramma like yours! You are such a lucky duck. My Grammy only drank highballs. Oh yes, and Long Island Ice Tea.
WOW....'sta loco Raiderfan.....que locuro!!! Tu abuelita es una loca también!!!
@ MM- we a close family still
@ pachuca- You speak good mexican
its Spanish Pendejo! =) ((WINK WINK**))
Your grandma may be crazy but she seems down for her $hit!
thats a different form of mexican
Its a language...lol
You are about as deep as a puddle I see!
I like to go deep in dat puddle.
"If the van's a rock'n sonny, don't bother knock'n" and anways radierfan he wa tr'n to pull off my corsett and we got all tangled up and then he bumped his head on the ....aww you no that thing in front he usually has both hands on? and the beer he had stashed fell over and he was saying some very funny words...like OLD English 800 and yes am so tired and was opening a bottle and the cork broke in half right in the middle and I was a cuss'n too...yuke i don't like pices of stuff in mine vino...that's italian ya know???.
this vino was tasting good after the bbq you fixed..but sure stained the sheets...he sure has little thingie but it seems to work ok??sssshhhh but you saw it already cause he said sooo???
that other dude from phoenik was bigger and maybe beter...ssshhh...butt he had bigger lips and his kisses were very wet....I am NOT A MEAN drunk....I am a loud Happy drunk I can even dance on tables...butt last time i fell off...ssshhh agin...cuz Apaclaotpus gets jealous when you talk abt me in front of everyone...He seems to think he is the ONLY ONE like most men do:???ha ha ha ha..but he ain't...and you best keep your trap shut too...cuz tho he is small...down there he has compassion and sweetness and a caring attitude I like...but donna tell him....
you are my favorite grandson so i am comfidin in you...and tell that better half of yours she better hang on to you....cuz i know some women who would love to love you...like me do...if only I was younger..doesn't matter we are relayted...i would love to ake love to you....but am to old to ake you happy...so this guy here will do for now...if you quit PEEK'N in...he heard ya.
OOH LA LA grandma had a lot to say.!!!
g-ma you must have stolen sum of my mickeys beer. thass rite it aint apocalyptos anymore cuz he didnt even git my permisshun to take ya to da van and why couldnt you all be normal and get a hotel room? I know apocalypto is used to bangin on some leaves in a hut. but still.
It was hard to tell in the dark if apocalypto has a small one but still it dont matter he probably had a lot of baby batter stored up in him and wanted to do it all night even tho he cried like a little jungle animal in the mido of the night. thass right I heard that too.
but it dont matter we still family and you still my g-ma.
LOFnL! You are nuts! I love this! Shit! LOL!
Raider -- this is sad, indeed. That's a great skill -- to make the underlying sadness come through and for it to be a deeper sadness than the speaker is aware of. Neat. Wish I could capture that kind of texture and subtlety in my writing.
Grama could give me a run for my money. Two 40's thats crazy stuff!! My grandma used to give me shots of wild turkey and I thought that was nutty.
L M A O
MORE WINE PLEASE
@ tom- sadly I saw apocalyptos nuts
@ teresa- you are a sofistikated lady and your writin is nuttin but mad skillz that makes me feel like I'm ona train seein the words and thoughts go by and I absorb it all.
@ triplet mom wild turkey puts hair on your chest!
@ G-Ma- okay but I only got one more bottle of boones jus so you know and dont start cussin at me later
Damn now you tell me!!
So sorry you lost your friend...but at least you got his beer!!!!
This was hilarious--what a life you must lead!!!:)
@ triplet mom- as Tom says LOFnL!
@ tamcor- I dont have a life until football season, I got two more months :(
Hey--that sounds like us, raiderfan! I guess our name would be different, though...sorry...how does "coltsfan" sound?????
shit
ma tha fk'n jerk
stop rockin my boat
@ tamcor- I'm tired of peyton manning being so good so coltsfan sounds terrible
@ G-ma- Oh No! honey, why dont you take the kids inside and let them play video games
I feel like you may be holding back a bit Raider.....have another Mickey's or two and tell it like it was.
"Toto, We're not in Kansas anymore!!"
@ Blue- it would be cool if it was posted more than 24 hours without gettin the yank job with no vaseline
@ Candie V- no Imin arizona
A yank job with no vaseline?! Yipes!!!
@ LM- thats how some men get blisters I heard
I'm pushing it tonight too Raider.....pass the KY!!!
yes u are pal! lets see what happens by tomorrow mornin! let me go in my wife's purse and get the KY.
why would your wife carry KY in her purse? Hmmmmm very interesting!
Why weren't you Apocotyptus' friend no more? Cuz he was doin' your Grams or cause he was cryin'...or both?
@ pachuca- my wife said sometimes chubbo's gay gardener sumtimes needs it so she is nice to carry sum for him in case he runs out
@ CR- he hurt my feelins. friends dont do your grama!
okay! I guess...=)
If we don't see the light of day it's their loss Raider. LOL
I thought all gardners had blisters, raider.
true that Blue. Im tryin to stay away from the forums cuz you never know where they may follow me and try to get back at me.
@ LM- I dont know I work construction. We have blisters too but we dont cry about it.
All the good ones do, LM *wink*
Hell Raider you're a friggin institution...and they better know how lucky they are you're here.....IMHO.
Just add a picture of a naked indian chick and you'll be safe.
@ Blue- but I dont make dollas for them so they dont care but lets party on
@ LM- I think thats a supa smart idea! maybe my next hub!
Raider....you bet you make them dollas.....you attract a lot of fans and the Hubpages grows.....you're one of their posterboys.
Naked Indian Chicks...wish I'd thought of it....maybe Indian chick Boobs!!!
You got kind words Blue- but to them business is business and if I dont want to learn the keywords, Im nuttin for 'em.
RBlue- you really are hung up on tetas aren't you?!
RF- Yeah I have no idea what the keywords is except my key word:
Horseshit!
Raiderfan, this is a real sweet story bout Granny. I'm glad she communicated so well even though they each could not speak verbally. Don't be so hard on the feller, he can't help it if granny was so hawt!
Sounds like one hellovaparty.....!
@ ralwus- dont try to make it seem awrite and quit talkin about G-ma that way!
@hawkesdream- I had a bad hangover the next day too. I felt sad and mad all day.
ok, kick azz gramma, but that's a little more of that dude Apocolypto than I needed to see...
We're looking pretty good in the daylight Raider...I think they have their hands full down at the Hub office.....things are running sloooooooow...they don't have time to bother with us. They can't even update the page views.....i have 100 comments and 0 page views on the Boobs.
JJ.....cut me some slack...I'm just a man.
lol, so so funny, I really enjoyed that, sorry to get off on your pain RF but still, very good.
I like your Gwama, she got a pwetty mouth!
Raider ....the new job must have you tied up...haven't seen you for days....hope it's going great.....take time for a beer and a hub or two.
OMG, How hilarious!!! Will Chamberlain and a 40 lolololo :D
Go grama! I, personally, love apocalypto. What a cutie. Sometimes it's better when they can't talk.
You're so silly to describe sex between a tiny woman and a tall man!? That's probably what's been rockin inside that van!?
may: You are a poet and didn't even know it. lollololo :)
cool.
Gidday buddy, you r lookin' real manly today! Done any nude wrestling lately? Oh Raider haha your story here was pure entertainment gee I would love to meet your Gran, she is so cool. Tell her if she ever comes to Oz I will give her a free flossing, show her the sites. Gee and Raider I am a pretty good speller you just sing out if you ever need a hand I am a good tutor.xo
Laughing Mom says:
6 months ago
Grandma sounds like lots of fun. Cut her some slack with the van incident. You're not supposed to be peekin in rocking vans and you know it!!!!