Mark Twain stories and especially his quotes have driven me, almost, to the brink of laying on the floor kicking and squirming with laughter, happiness, and wisdom. He is one of my favorite authors. Twain was ridiculously observant of people, exposing the intricacies and frailties of the human race. He loved cats, cigars, and poking fun at the high and the mighty. His satire is so scorching that after reading his words, you felt singed from the heat!

My late wife idolized the writer, and quoted him constantly always invoking a laugh. My current wife, Susan is also a great fan. How lucky have I been to have two wives with an adoration for Twain? I am truly blessed to have seen Hal Holbrook, in his one man stage presentation of Twain's quotes and stories. If you can, please go and witness a truly gifted actor proclaiming the great Twain with vim and vigor. He is simply fantastic in the role!

As you read and enjoy some of MarkTwain's quotes, remember that his books were banned by the self-righteous and scorned by the leaders of the Nation. In some areas, people still attempt to remove his books Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn from the school library. I think Mark Twain, somewhere, is laughing at these very people and writing stinging satire towards their actions.

Dave

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep and never to refrain when awake.

- 70th birthday speech

CATS

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

- A Tramp Abroad

ABSTINENCE

Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself.

- autograph inscription in album to Mrs. Rutherford B. Hayes, reported in The Washington Post, June 11, 1881

CENSORSHIP

But the truth is, that when a Library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.

- Letter to Mrs. F. G. Whitmore, 2/7/1907

DEMOCRACY

Men write many fine and plausible arguments in support of monarchy, but the fact remains that where every man in a state has a vote, brutal laws are impossible.

- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

We adore titles and heredities in our hearts and ridicule them with our mouths. This is our democratic privilege.

- Mark Twain's Autobiography

EPITAPHS

Epitaphs are cheap, and they do a poor chap a world of good after he is dead, especially if he had hard luck while he was alive. I wish they were used more.

- "A Curious Dream"

FREE SPEECH

In America--as elsewhere--free speech is confined to the dead.

- Notebook, 1904

HYPOCRITE

This nation is like all the others that have been spewed upon the earth--ready to shout for any cause that will tickle its vanity or fill its pocket. What a hell of a heaven it will be when they get all these hypocrites assembled there!

- Letter to J. H. Twichell, 1/29/1901

LAWYERS

Lawyers are like other people--fools on the average; but it is easier for an ass to succeed in that trade than any other.

-quoted in Sam Clemens of Hannibal, Dixon Wecter

MARRIAGE

What a world of trouble those who never marry escape! There are many happy matches, it is true, and sometimes "my dear," and "my love" come from the heart; but what sensible bachelor, rejoicing in his freedom and years of discretion, will run the tremendous risk?

- "Connubial Bliss," Hannibal Journal, 11/4/1852