What do you get when you cross a duck and a goose? Unfortunately this isn't a joke. What the guck do you think it is? I have seen these "duck-goose" hybrid animals walking around the neighborhood, and I have become extremely concerned.

O.K. maybe it is actually some kind of duck that I haven't been able to identify, but let's assume it is a goose duck mix until otherwise identified. I am not totally sure of my discovery of a new species, so if there are any ornithologists out there who can put my mind at ease and identify this mysterious creature, please do so in the comment section. Until then I have decided that this creature will be called a "Guck."

It all started when I watched Napoleon Dynamite and heard of a creature called a Liger which is a cross between a lion and a tiger, "bread for their abilities in magic" according to Napoleon. Then recently, I noticed some strange looking ducks walking around the neighborhood. They are slightly larger than a duck, with a white chest, and a green head. Now as far as I know, Indianapolis isn't known to have a great variety of types of ducks. I usually see mallards; the females look mostly brown and the males have green heads and mostly grey and brown bodies.

Just to give myself some credibility I have had several ducks as pets growing up, so I am familiar with what most ducks look like. I finally was able to snap off a couple of pictures to back up my crazy story, and to try to seek some kind of knowledge from the experts. I have done web research and none of the ducks that frequent Indiana look like these guys. Now I am blowing the whistle on the whole conspiracy and forcing the guck to come out. Maybe I shouldn't say that the guck is coming out. It's not a gay duck; it's a goose-duck. In case you are confused the "g" comes from goose. When I was a kid I saw what looked like a chicken-duck at the park. Possible names for that creature are chuck and dicken.

Until now, ducks and geese have lived fairly harmoniously together in this world. In fact we now have evidence that they may have gotten a little too friendly. Lately the ducks and geese have not been migrating to Canada anymore, giving them more time to be "friendly" with each other in the long cold Indiana winter months, when they aren't busy crapping all over our yards.. Apparently one thing led to another. Some duck and goose hooked up because they were lonely and didn't really think the whole thing through. After All, it's not their fault that their brains are the size of an almond. And as innocent as their intentions of keeping warm were, we now have to deal with all sorts of moral and ethical dilemmas.

Conflicts have occurred throughout history between differing species of animals. Sometimes this is due to territorial issues, competition, or one simply tastes good to the other. So far I know of none that are due to speciesism, or predjudice against another species. I am concerned that this will soon follow in the water foul realm.

What box would a guck check for species? Most official forms and documents have not yet added "guck" as an official species, so gucks must choose one of the other less descriptive boxes. The 'other' box doesn't seem appropriate either. Where will these gucks fit in the food chain or water cycle, and even more important questions arise such as: When gucks get cold do they get guck bumps? Will water roll off of a guck's back? Will pre-school children have to start playing a new multiculteral versioned game called Duck Guck Goose?

How long will it take to get the term "guck" in the dictionary? More important is what will it mean. We already have the blending of a duck and goose meaning. Then as some words become verbs also, the verb "to guck" will also develop. Think about Google and the act of googling. "Guck it" is just as probable to become a popular phrase as "google it."

Both the words duck and goose have verb meanings. If we blend these two meanings we get, "Poking the butt by lowering the head quickly." This sounds like it could be the next big dance move. "Do the guck! Do the guck!"

What will be the plural form of guck. It could either be gucks or geeks. And if it is geeks, then will school kids still want to call each other geeks. The meaning of computer geek would change dramatically. Oh, guck it! Who gives a guck!

Let's say you are out hunting in duck season. Even if you have bought your license and duck stamp, you could easily accidently shoot a guck. They look so much like ducks, it would be easy to mistake them. Would this be against the law?  The Fish and Wildlife Service and DNR need to address the issue immediately. Canadian Geese are federally protected species, so where do we draw the line. Are gucks protected, or should the DNR list them as pests and let people shoot as many as possible to keep the numbers down. I am sure that will never happen, since we are still waiting on the government to let us get rid of all the geese.

From an evolutionary standpoint, the Guck may be the future of all waterfowl. The guck may be more likely to pass on its genes. Just as Napoleon's Liger, the guck also has magic powers, which is to guck, a lot. I caught the guck in an awkward moment a couple times. If nothing else I guess it may be less likely to be shot for the legal reasons already mentioned.

• Are gucks an act of terror?
• Are these curious animals good for America?
• Are they good for the environment?
• Are they natural or lab created?
• Will they taste good?
• Are they cheap to produce?
• Will they make me skinny if that's all I eat?
  
• Can we buy organic gucks?

These are the important questions we must ask ourselves when faced with something so ambiguous that it shakes our faith in intelligent evolution. I do have faith in one thing. I bet if I ate one for dinner, it would taste good. I would say it tastes like chicken nuggets, and then I would start asking for guck nuggets at McDonald's. Then I would throw a fit when they give me just plain old chicken nuggets. Do you hear me Ronald? You creepy clown.

Oh yeah, and these gucks are probably just domestic and wild duck mixes. It was fun to think of them as gucks though.