One of the main problems a woman faces after leaving an abusive relationship, particularly when she has children and is considering what is best for them, is how to find a nicer partner. Truth be told, some women wouldn't know a nice guy if he came up and clubbed her over the head and dragged her through the jungle to his treehouse.

Many women are simply following in the footsteps of their mothers, by staying in abusive relationships for too many years (any amount of years can qualify as "too many," by the way...) or by being literally unable to stay in a relationship with a nice guy. Nice guys just aren't exciting enough for those women who have spent their lives chasing bad boys.

And that should be the first clue right there. If a guy is so distant that you have to chase him, why bother? It's not like you'll ever really catch him, anyway, and when you do, it's like trying to snuggle up to a porcupine, nine times out of ten. For those who let you just close enough to reach in and pull your heart out while it's still beating, they only let you that close until they get what they want out of you. It takes some women a lifetime before they realize that this type of "emotional vampire" is not going to do them any good. Ever.

So after years of being battered physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually or whatever other way the idiot has decided on his whim to manhandle the woman, she may finally decide she has had enough. Miracles happen sometimes. In hindsight, they may eventually be referred to as, "the straw that broke the camel's back."

Then the woman may be a little more open to the possibility of being with a man who is a little calming and soothing to her soul. You know the kind. He'll bring you flowers. He'll drive twenty five miles to bring you the steak sandwich you want from that particular restaurant you two love so much.

He'll give you a massage that makes you sink down into the bed so far that you fall asleep in absolute bliss. He'll rub your hair until you fall asleep at night. And when you do something for him, he beams. The man appreciates you. Intensely. And after being beaten down by the guy you tried to own all of those years in the past, you appreciate him.

To find him, you just have to do the opposite of the thing you did to find the other one. Literally. Instead of looking for the handsome hunk who has the attention of every woman in the room, look for the quiet guy in the corner. You know, the one observing people and things. The bookish, quiet guy with the shy smile. There's a fire burning brighter than you know in that heart of his.

It isn't the guy who stares you down or tries to bully you into dating him. It isn't the one with the flashy car or who is dripping in gold. It isn't the one who flirts with one woman after another, working his way around the room (and the world) like a bee tasting the honey of every flower within smelling distance.

It isn't the sulking and washed-up jock who wants everyone to feel sorry for him. It isn't the recovering addict. It isn't the one you have mixed feelings about. In fact, when you meet him, you will feel secure. It won't be that feeling of romantic obsession. It may not immediately be ecstasy. But it will in the end.

It's the one who is stable, and helps to stabilize you. It's the one you can talk to and know you are his equal. It's the one who allows you the freedom to be yourself. It's the one you know you can trust to be alone with any woman in existence, because on some level, you know he's loyal to the end.

He's the one who sits with you and talks to you when you want him near, whether you're in the shower, on the toilet, picking your nose or having your teeth pulled. And you would do the same for him. He's the one who sticks around if you've had a tiff and is quick to apologize for his part in it. And he can tell you what he did wrong, because he cares.

And last, but certainly not least, it's the one your children like. Children can sense sincerity. If your children love him, and he accepts them as part of the package you come in, you've found him.

Just an aside:  The narcissist I left a few months ago actually read this and was convinced I found someone else.  Just goes to show how much he never understood me.