HSP Topics: The Challenge of Friendships

This article is the second in a series about the joys and challenges of life as a highly sensitive person (HSP). For more background information about HSPs please read The Highly Sensitive Person: An Introduction.

In the roughly ten years since I first learned about the HSP trait, I have met 100s (if not 1000s) of fellow sensitives both in person and on the Internet. One of the most common laments I hear goes something like this: "Why is it so hard for me to make and keep friends, when it seems so easy for everyone else?"

I can completely relate to these sentiments, as I have generally stuggled with relationship/friendship dynamics during most of my own life. Until at least my late 30s, my friendship patterns were largely shaped by the meta messages from society that I "should" be able to make friends with almost anyone, and then keep those friendships for a lifetime. You could say that I was more concerned about the "container" for my friendships, that the "content" of them. In the context of some serious self-inquiry, it became quite a puzzle for me to understand why so many friendships I formed started well enough, but would fade away very quickly.

Now, I'm not for a moment suggesting that everyone doesn't stuggle with friendships and relationships, now and then. However, there definitely are certain distinct challenges for HSPs.

On the most general of levels, it would seem that HSPs and non-HSPs often "interpret" and experience the same situations differently... and communication issues arise, even when both people have only the best of intentions. When you consider that only 15-20% of the population have HSP traits, it will generally hold true that most people the average HSP meets will not be HSPs. This can result in an almost immediate "I really don't get who you are" dynamic, which is a rocky foundation on which to build a friendship.

One of the things I have learned about HSPs (both from reading, and from interaction) is that they generally tend to be rather "deep" people. Most I have met loathe "small talk" and "polite chit-chat" and would much rather go directly to a profound conversation about the meaning of life, or the origins of God. However, except for the very self-absorbed, they do also recognize the need for this "idle chatter," as a tool to create connection-- and are generally willing to indulge in it to a limited degree.

Except during a period where I was struggling with social anxiety, I have really never had too much trouble making friends-- it's the keeping them that's the issue. This is where the "mismatched expectations" issue (almost always centered around "depth") comes to the surface. And it's a two-way street.

After a few days or weeks, many HSPs grow disillusioned when they start to discover that their new-found friend is really not interested in anything that extends much beyond little league baseball, Paris Hilton's latest exploits, cookie recipes and truck repair. The HSP wants there to be "more" there... as one friend said to me "That stuff is just fluff of no deeper consequence." This desire to explore in depth also tends to come across with great intensity, which can be both offputting and intimidating to someone who prefers "lighter fare."

It works in reverse, too. I believe a lot of people are initially attracted to the depth and intensity of HSPs; but while we (well, at least I speak for myself) want that intensity to continue, for other people it's like "the novelty wears off" and they want to return to the less "demanding" way of living they consider their "normal." Actually, it feels like they just get tired of the intensity, and want me to "lighten up." It sort of reminds me of a saying my former therapist liked to trot out: "Opposites may attract, but they don't necessarily make good bed-fellows."

There are other factors that sometimes contribute to an HSP's difficulties in keeping friendships. Not least of these is the tendency of many HSPs to have what I think of as "soft" boundaries.

Most HSPs I meet seem to be very good listeners, combined with a natural tendency towards compassion and empathy. How often have you-- as an HSP-- been told you are "really easy to talk to?" The combination of soft boundaries with empathic listening seems to often combine to create a dynamic in which the HSP gradually become someone's "therapist" rather than their friend. I grant you, I am naturally predisposed to helping those with "broken wings," so I am sure that has influenced my choices-- and I know I am not alone. And yes, I realize that part of friendship is about sharing "troubles," but it soon ends up feeling like "one-way traffic," and I find myself pondering "does everyone have this much chaos and drama in their life?" And I am sure the fact that I don't tend to say things like "take your crap and drama to someone else" (which I understand many people do quite readily) also plays into the picture.

Many (about 70%) HSPs are introverts. Whereas introversion should not be interpreted as "antisocial," many introverts tend to feel that their friendships are "inadequate," because they compare their circles of friends to extraverts they know, and feel like they are coming up short. They also see themselves as part of a very outgoing society, and start interpreting their natural inclinations as "wrong," which is a big mistake. Faking who you are in order to make friends with someone will only add to the number of "failed" friendships, in the long run.

Whereas I may get "egged" by some members of the HSP community for saying this, truth is that a lot of HSPs are "high maintenance," often imposing lots of "special needs" and considerations on people around them. There's nothing wrong with asserting one's needs, but a lot of people simply don't have the patience and determination to maintain a friendship with someone who "doesn't want to" participate in a wide range of activities, and insists they "can't" participate unless a laundry list of conditions are met.

So is there any hope? Are HSPs doomed to always struggle with friendships and social interaction?

Not necessarily. However, it is helpful for HSPs to revisit and restate their assumptions about "being friends" with people, and what that means to them.

Friendships primarily form across some kind of common ground. It strikes me as common sense that if your "ground" is a little bit different, there will simply be fewer people who have that ground in common with you. From what I have observed, many HSPs' distress over friendships can be tracked back to unhealthy comparisons with the so-called "standards" of western society. We're shown messages-- through Madison Avenue, Hollywood, and even our local communities-- that we "should" have lots of life-long friends. The medical community even says that people with friends live healthier and longer lives.

Statistically speaking, there are simply fewer candidates who are "good friends material" for HSPs. Maybe that sounds defeatist, but the simple truth is that we all have the right to choose our friends. We also have the right to choose rewarding friendships that fit our individual needs for closeness and depth. Is it "unfair" that HSPs-- who aren't the most socially outgoing people, to begin with-- have to "work harder" to make friends? Maybe it is, but we owe it to ourselves to choose wisely, even if that means we don't get to choose very often.

Dr. Elaine Aron-- who originally identified sensitivity as a "trait," rather than a "pathology"-- is a big proponent of HSPs befriending their peers. Now, that may sound a bit "exclusive," but the truth of the matter is that friends are like our chosen family. Whereas it may sound all nicely egalitarian and politically correct to choose "diversified" friends, the basic truth remains that we choose people to be with because we enjoy their company.

Speaking from personal experience, I happen to like the company of HSPs... and I highly recommend finding and making some HSP friends. Maybe that sounds hard... but it needn't be. Most of my HSP friends started as friends in cyberspace that eventually turned into "real life" friends. Remember, you always have the right to make friends at a pace that "feels right" to you, and the relative slowness of the Internet often works well for HSPs.

When you choose non-HSP people to befriend, be aware that maybe the relationship will have its limitations-- and don't make the mistake of imposing your needs on someone who really doesn't understand where you're coming from.

Bottom line: As an HSP, the first step towards better friendships is to let go of societal and family expectations about friendships. Stop worrying about how many friends you "should" have, and take some time to figure out what "being friends" with someone means to you. And it's really OK to be "particular."