HSP Topics: OK, so I'm an HSP-- NOW what?

This is the fourth in a series of articles about the joys and challenges of life as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). For more background information about HSPs please read The Highly Sensitive Person: An Introduction which also contains an index of all my HSP-related articles.

Discovering, understanding and coming to terms with the idea that you're a Highly Sensitive Person doesn't always happen overnight. Most people are familiar with how it feels to have an insight. Some insights are wonderful and fill you with happiness, while some are not so positive... and can even leave you with a sense of "I'm not really sure I want this to be true."

Maybe you find yourself at that point, right now-- having discovered that there is this "thing" that seems to fit you to a T, yet loathing the idea of being "sensitive," and perhaps even offended by the idea that there's a "label" that applies to you.This is not at all an unusual response!

When I first learned about the trait-- in 1997-- I was highly resistant to the idea. In fact, I felt pretty sure it was just another "New Age Label," created to make people with anxieties feel better about themselves, while allowing some author to sell books. Perhaps my reluctance was also fueled by the fact that I am male, and conventional societal values regard sensitivity as "less than desirable," when it comes to male characteristics. Still, I couldn't escape the fact that the words I had read in Elaine Aron's book "The Highly Sensitive Person" represented an uncanny description of how I had experienced my life.

The first thing I had to come to terms with was that it couldn't hurt to at least examine this "trait."

The idea of sensitivity was not exactly not exactly new to me. When I had previously studied the connection between intelligence and introversion, I repeatedly came across the research of Kazimierz Dabrowski, a Polish psychiatrist and psychologist, which included findings that as person's IQ/intelligence increased, so did the likelihood that this person would display symptoms of heightened (or "Hyper") sensitivity. Whereas this was interesting to me, I didn't pay too much attention to it, at the time. I felt like I had been offered a partial explanation, but no real answers on how it would affect my interaction with the world.

For most people, the best way to get comfortable with a new topic is to learn about it-- as much as possible. As one of my Teachers once pointed out:

"Our thoughts about a thing are usually much worse than the thing, itself."

There's a great deal of truth in that statement, and it didn't take me long to realize that my dislike of "sensitivity" had more to do with societal biases than with the fact that was just "highly sensitive." I soon accepted that even if I never told another soul that I was highly sensitive, learning about the trait and how it affected me could clearly help me negotiate life a little more smoothly.

And so, the first step in your journey to understanding what it means to be a highly sensitive person is to learn enough-- for yourself-- to understand what the trait is really about, rather than relying on "what you've heard," or perhaps other people's opinions about what it means to be sensitive. The most common misconception to shed is the persistent (and wrong) idea that "being sensitive" automatically means you're some fragile milquetoasty flower whose feelings get hurt at the drop of a hat. Certainly emotional sensitivity can be part of the overall picture, but it is not the "definition."

For a number of HSPs, sensitivity can be almost exclusively environmental. I largely fit into that category, myself-- very sensitive to noise, harsh light, loud sounds, acrid smells and so forth. None of those have anything to do with getting one's feelings hurt. I recognized, for example, that my reluctance to participate in "exciting" and "thrill seeking" activities are not about dislike or fear, but about the fact that my body releases adrenaline very quickly (high startle response) but metabolizes it very slowly. Phrased differently-- I'm not afraid of the actual rollercoaster ride, I just dislike that I end up feeling "jittery" for a couple of hours afterwards, while everyone else seems to have settled down again, five minutes later.

Another place I experience being highly sensitive is in a medical context, or being at the doctor's office. My body is very sensitive to the effects of prescription (and other) drugs. I can often get the desired effects from 1/3 to 1/2 of what's considered the "normal" dose, while the full dose might actually result in my feeling bad.

Key learning point: Familiarize yourself with all the different facets of high sensitivity, and then spend some time examining what applies to you, and how your sensitivity manifests. Read the books on the "recommended reading" list near the bottom of this page.

Once you have a basic understanding of the way being a highly sensitive person is reflected in your daily life, it becomes time to look at ways to making your daily living a little easier.

But first, a caveat: There's often a temptation to go "on the offensive" and go overboard on telling everyone "I'm an HSP, and here's what I need." Not a good strategy, even though I have come across scores of people who try to do just that.

Embracing high sensitivity, and creating a lifestyle that incorporates it is primarily about how you choose to approach living, not about making demands of others. And while "others" sometimes are part of the process, I highly recommend working towards compromise, rather than making demands.

Perhaps this sounds obvious, but a surprising number of people turn their difficulties in living with high sensitivity into "an issue about other people." If you feel unsure aboutthis distinction, please read the companion article "Highly Sensitive or Highly Touchy?"

Point of learning: Always remember that high sensitivity is a neutral trait, not a pathology. And whereas it may be tempting to hide behind the "I'm an HSP" label, being an HSP does not grant us license to stop being engaged in life.

Using your new learning about the HSP trait, and incorporating it into your daily life can take many forms, from a few tiny changes to a complete re-invention of your lifestyle. The degree to which you make changes will-- of course-- vary from person to person. Here are a few basic concepts most HSPs can apply to their life:

Get enough rest: One of the points Elaine Aron makes about HSPs is that because we get easily "overstimulated," it is also extremely important that we get enough rest. And keep in mind that it is not merely the quantity of rest that matters, but also the quality.The "quality" of your sleep can be improved by following a schedule that gives you some time to "get calm" before you actually go to bed. Make a point of spending 30 minutes before bedtime reading, meditating, or engaging in some kind of "low stimulation" activity. One person I know simply plays with and pets her cats before bed, essentially using them as "therapy animals."

Spend your energy wisely: You may have identifiied some situations or people that overstimulate you easily, but don't necessarily want to cut them out of your life. Instead, give yourself a time limit. Maybe you enjoy going out with friends, on Friday night-- do go, but make an agreement with yourself that you need to go home by a certain time-- and then stick to the "agreement." Or if you enjoy some activity or sport, by all means participate, but learn to recognize when you're "on the way" to becoming overwhelmed, and then stop, even if you think "I'll be OK for a while longer."

Learn to say NO: Highly Sensitive People are often "people pleasers" and find themselves getting involved in activities, and with people, they really don't care that much for. As part of the "HSP self-care" process, it's essential to develop good boundaries, and to learn to say "no" when presented with options that really don't fit us. Saying "no" can be difficult sometimes, because we want people to like us, but ultimately we'll be better off by only saying "yes" to those activities and people that give us energy, while saying "no" to those that feel draining and overwhelming.

Stop comparing yourself!: HSPs often get in trouble because they compare themselves to other people and feel like they "should" be able to do the same things. Whereas comparisons are-- perhaps--part of human nature, we tend to fall into patterns of only comparing negatively. Remember: Your life is your life, not someone else's. Also, remember that it may seem like some friend can "keep going forever," but there are also many things/talents you have that they don't.

"Don't should on yourself!" Related to the negative patterns of comparisons, telling ourselves that we "should" be able to do things generally serves little purpose other than to create frustration and negative thought patterns. Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. As HSPs, it sometimes might feel like our "weaknesses" are things everyone else takes for granted. But we also have strengths and abilities relatively few others have. Rather than do battle with things you believe you "should" be able to do, put your energy into developing your strengths.

Longer Term: take Inventory of your life: Part of the process of embracing sensitivity involves literally pausing to examine our life, and what's in it. The reason this is so important-- especially when the idea of being a highly sensitive person is new-- is that our life-to-date has been based on assumptions that didn't consider the HSP trait. "Taking inventory" means looking at our habits, our work, our choices, the people in our lives, and asking whether they actually serve our best interests.

For some, this can be a challenging and even unpleasant time of self-discovery. We may have to come to terms with the fact that we have friends we're "holding onto" who really don't fit us, but we have kept because it seemed like we "should" be friends with them. Perhaps we continue to try to have a relationship with a toxic family member, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, even though we feel bad about ourselves every time we spend time with that person. Maybe we're clinging to a job that stresses us out, for no reason beside other people telling us we're "successful," or we have persuaded ourselves we have "no other options."

This "taking stock" process is a long-term project. Depending on the core issues you're looking at, it can take from a few months to (possibly) decades. However, it is crucial to most HSPs' well-being.

Befriend other HSPs: One final, and quite important, suggestion is to find and befriend other Highly Sensitive People. Although many HSPs describe themselves as introverts and loners, having a "peer network" of fellow HSPs can make the self-discovery path much easier. After all, nobody else "gets" what it's like to be an HSP, like another HSP. For more specifics about where and how to befriend other HSPs, I suggest reading the articles "HSP Gatherings, Groups and Workshops" and "The Challenge of Friendships."

In summary: Learn what it means-- to you-- to be a highly sensitive person. Once you have a good understanding of how sensitivity affects you, make adjustments to your lifestyle and choices that honor that sensitivity, but do so without becoming disengaged from life.