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Making it Through the Holidays After Losing Someone You Love

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By KCC Big Country

Making it Through the Holidays After Losing Someone You Love (Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)
Making it Through the Holidays After Losing Someone You Love (Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons)

If you've ever experienced the death of family member, or perhaps someone very close to you then you'll understand how difficult it can be to imagine how you'll carry on without them. You are left wondering how in the world you will be able to make it through situations where you normally had them present.  How will you handle celebrations that are normally joyful?

Holidays can be particularly tough.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are particularly tough.

No matter how you slice it, your life will never be the same, nor will your holidays. Things are forever changed. Time truly is a great healer. I know you've heard that before and it probably brings little comfort when you're fresh in your grief. But, I do promise it does get easier to deal with it as time passes on.

How Do You Handle Family Holidays and Traditions?

I lost my son at the end of October 2003. His birthday was only 2 weeks after that and that first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him came very quickly in my grief process. It was difficult to imagine such important dates without him.

For me, there were certain traditions that no longer felt 'right'. Yet, there were other new ones that did. Don't be afraid to change your traditions if adopting new ones makes you feel better. Also, don't be surprised if things change for subsequent years.

For example, I found the seating arrangement difficult that first Thanksgiving and Christmas. My son always sat next to me on my right. I no longer wanted to sit in my normal seat because it no longer felt 'right' without him beside me. I chose to sit somewhere completely different. It has taken me years to sit in my original seat without it hurting that he no longer sits beside me.

Perhaps you have certain traditions that your loved one specifically did. For instance, maybe your loved one was the designated person for putting the star on top of the Christmas tree. You have choices this year. Perhaps you chose not to have a star at all. Perhaps you can designate someone else to place the star. Perhaps you can do it yourself in honor of that person. Perhaps you switch to an angel where having someone else put the angel on seems ok. Only you can decide what feels right. Don't be afraid to change things for this year. Just know that next year you can make a different choice.

Your goal is do whatever feels right for THIS year. Worry about next year, next year.

 


Ornaments Will Carry New Meaning
Ornaments Will Carry New Meaning

How My Mother Handled Her First Holidays Without My Dad

My dad just passed away in September 2008.

In recent years, they had gotten away from putting up outside lights and they had even stopped putting up a full tree. They had switched to a small tabletop version. I think it has just gotten to be too much trouble for them. For Christmas 2008, my mother purchased a new tree that actually mounts to the wall and takes up half the space of a regular tree. She also put up lots of outside lights.

For her, this is what felt right. She could celebrate Christmas and it was ok that things were different. She actually embraced the differences.

Things You Can Do In Rememberence of Your Lost Loved One

My son had been an accomplished artist before his death. When one of the local craft stores ran a Christmas sale on some really nice art sets it bothered me that he wasn't around to buy one for. I decided to buy three of them and take them to his school and donate them in his honor instead. His art teacher chose three students she thought would enjoy them and presented them to them.

There are so many worthy causes that you can give to in rememberence of your loved one. These are just a few suggestions:

  • Donate to some cause your loved one was passionate about.
  • Donate to a local organization that helps the homeless or battered women
  • Donate food to a food bank
  • Donate toys to a Toys for Tots program
  • Buy some gift you would ordinarily buy for your loved one and give it to a stranger
  • Plant a tree or shrub to remember your loved one as it grows


Losing Someone You Love in the News

  • Christina Schmid: a widow's dignity in griefDaily Telegraph16 hours ago

    Her quiet dignity and composure has been emblematic of the nation's grief at the death of so many young soldiers in Afghanistan.

  • A teen party, a mysterious death -- and a town's unanswered griefLos Angeles Times14 hours ago

    Joe Loudon attended a gathering in Orinda, drank some beer and later died. Miscues in the investigation led to finger-pointing, igniting a debate over whether his death was an accident or a crime.

  • Holiday season brings intense grief for someThe Leaf Chronicle22 hours ago

    Holidays lose their "holly, jolly" for many people facing this season while emotionally raw from the recent loss of a loved one.

  • Learning to cope with loss, grief during the holidaysSuburban Journals25 hours ago

    Christmas was Dan Brown's favorite time of the year.

  • A wife's grief: Colleagues let my husband downNDTV17 hours ago

    Vinita Kamte, wife of 26/11 martyr Ashok Kamte, released a book on her slain husband on Tuesday. Ashok was the Assistant Commissioner of Police (ACP).

  • Nonprofit supports families through griefParker Chronicle26 hours ago

    After the mid-air collision between Marine Corps Helicopter and a Coast Guard aircraft left nine people dead including one man from Parker, one non-profit organization is reaching out to the families who have lost their loved ones.

  • Faces of griefThe West Milford Messenger26 hours ago

    West Milford About 200 friends and family members attended a candlelight vigil Wednesday night on the grounds of the West Milford Coffee House to pray for Jared Fisher, 20, who was seriously injured in a car crash Saturday morning on Larsen Drive in West Milford, and Cesar Vanegas, 18, who died from his injuries on Tuesday afternoon.

  • Big Think: The hard science of moving on from griefIndependent22 hours ago

    Bereavement expert Dr. Katherine Shear reveals what happens inside the grieving brain and offers strategies for coping with loss. Offensive or abusive comments will be removed and your IP logged and may be used to prevent further submission.

Comments

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trish1048 profile image

trish1048  says:
8 months ago

KCC,

Great thoughts for everyone who has lost someone.  When my hubby died at a tender age, our families got together and scattered his ashes in the ocean.  He was an avid boater/fisherman, in fact, he died doing what he loved when he drowned.  This event took place many years after his death.  It was good to be with all the family on such a sad occasion.  It did help.  Plus, I know we honored my hubby's wishes, and I'm sure he was smiling down on all of us that day.

Thanks again.

KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country  says:
8 months ago

Thanks so much for sharing that tender story, Trish! I'm sure he was smiling down on you!

trish1048 profile image

trish1048  says:
8 months ago

You're welcome. I like to think he's with me.

RooBee profile image

RooBee  says:
5 months ago

KCC, thanks for this. You provide good advice to those in the grips of grieving a lost loved-one. Your insights here can only come from someone who has had to endure this. I hope that your very well-written hub reaches many people who need to hear your words. My heart goes out to both you and Trish for your losses. I will appreciate those who are still with me all the more tonight after reading your words.

KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country  says:
5 months ago

Thank you so much RooBee! It's a 'club' I never wanted to be a member of, but unfortunately I am. It's a tough road and I and Trish aren't the first and certainly won't be the last. If anything we can say can help someone thrust into it, it's worth writing about.

Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett  says:
5 months ago

Wonderful hub...anyone who reads this...it will help.

KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country  says:
5 months ago

Thank you so much Tom! Thanks for stopping by.

William F. Torpey profile image

William F. Torpey  says:
5 months ago

A very helpful approach to this difficult problem, KCC Big Country. Personally, I found immersing myself in some good books helped me cope when my wife died in 2004. My friend Linda Palucci wrote an ebook about her efforts to cope with her husband's death, and, with your permission, I've linked your hub to one I've written about Linda titled, "Surviving the Death of a Spouse." Each of us must cope with death in our own way, but knowing how others have faced it and came through OK is helpful.

KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country  says:
5 months ago

Thank you, William! I have added a link above to your hub and you certainly have my permission to include a link to mine on yours. I will be reading all of it tonight. Thanks again!

William F. Torpey profile image

William F. Torpey  says:
5 months ago

Thanks, KCC Big Country. When you lose someone who is close, you need all the help you can get.

muley84 profile image

muley84  says:
4 months ago

A very touching hub. Have you seen your son in your dreams? That is the common ground where you two can meet.

KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country  says:
4 months ago

Thanks muley84! Yes, I have had some wonderful dreams with my son in them. I have another hub where I talk about them a bit. It is something I cherish deeply.

seamist profile image

seamist  says:
3 months ago

I'm sorry you lost your son. Thank you for sharing your story and ideas on how to make the loss easier.

AOEHM profile image

AOEHM  says:
3 weeks ago

I appreciate you and this blog.

With gratitude,

Cindy

Theangelsonearth.org

KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country  says:
3 weeks ago

Thank you AOEHM.

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