SATUDAY, August 1^st, 2009

I met Enjee on the freeway while driving to pick-up a girlfriend en route to a charity event. I was making haste at 80mph while rocking out to Fleetwood Mac and enjoying the warmth my bum was feeling as my cozy leather seats emitted controlled heat. Using the steering wheel as a drum I rocked out and enjoyed my long ride from Bonny Doon to LakeMerritt. Passing through Fremont I looked over to my right and saw a man driving his silver truck staring straight at me. I re-focused on the lane in front of me before turning my head in curiosity again. There he was. Looking at me with a big smile on his face. I smiled back before laughing as I blushed and re-directed my attention ahead. Looking out of the corners of my eyes, there he was again. Speeding up to drive by my side, smiling, animated, wanting to catch my attention. My cheeks felt hot and flushed while I emotionally felt inhibited. Is that too forward to look at him again? Yet my curiosity got the best of me and I turned to stare back at him while doing my best to rival his boldness. He rolled down his window. I matched his efforts did my best to listen trough the roaring freeway winds as he shouted towards me.

“What’s your number?” He mouthed excitedly as he held up his cell phone, physically animating his question.

I looked over at him and shouted each digit, slowly and nervously as my speed slowed to 70 to keep up with his while the cars behind and aside us sped up to pass our two distracted vehicles.

He rolled up his window and called me then. “You’re beautiful.” He said. “I’m Enjee.”

It was exciting to become acquainted in this manner and I learned that was an engineer, working on renewable energy, and that at the end of every day he felt wonderful to be contributing to the betterment of our world. He was alluring. He was going to be out of town travelling for work, and he wanted to see me when he got back.

Over the next two weeks we spoke on the phone frequently and I respected him more and more. He had this beautiful soul and great depth to his character. Then he called me to let me know he was flying back into the Bay Area on Friday, and wanted to see me that weekend. I already had prior commitments and suggested he be my date for my girl friend’s birthday party.

On Saturday afternoon I was standing on Sharon’s patio coveting the hamburgers that were being charred on the grill and waiting for Enjee’s text. “I’m here.” It finally came. I exited the house to greet him and walked slowly over to his truck, where he was bent into the passenger’s side, fiddling with something. He straightened his torso and looked over at me with a big smile on his face. My heart sank. I wasn’t attracted to him. I wanted to be, but you can’t force it, and it wasn’t there for me. I felt uncomfortable. What do I do now?

“Thanks so much for meeting me here.” I said as I gave him a hug. I nervously explained that I didn’t know many people at the BBQ and as a result, I felt slightly awkward. He took it all in stride

“It’s good to meet you after all this time.” He said. “Do I look the same as you remember?”

No. You don’t. This is awkward. Meeting you here like this is awkward. “Yes.” Like a coward I lied. What was I supposed to do? Tell him ‘No, you don’t’, and cause him to feel unhappy? We still had the evening to spend together and I wanted it to be as equable as possible.

I introduced him to Sharon, the birthday girl, who shook his hand, smiled, and proceeded to tell the surrounding guests the tale of how we met while I watched helplessly, hiding my embarrassment. If I had felt an attraction to him, I would have laughed and loved sharing the story, however all I wanted to do was melt into a wall until it was time to leave.

Enjee and I sat side by side at the patio table and talked with another couple. We discussed class, the wealth of Palo Alto residents, and the international feel of techies at some major Bay Area companies. I liked our new friends and was grateful for a group conversation, as I didn’t want to be stuck with uncomfortable pauses talking one-on-one with Enjee.

We moved inside for the Barbie birthday cake which had been made for Sharon with the utmost love, care, and creativity. Sharon had on a tiara, a pink glittered birthday sash, a wand with a flashing red light, and a real silver necklace which said ‘Awesome’, that she had had herself custom made. We sang Happy Birthday and cut the cake before she opened her gifts. We drank beer and laughed and I yawned while mentioning to Enjee that it was getting late. We said our goodbye’s and walked outside.

“This is me.” I said as we approached my car. “Thank you for meeting me here; I hope you had a good time.”

He said he had and we hugged although he wanted to kiss me good night. I turned my head away and he asked me why. I stared at him and said that I’d like to take things slow and he said he understood although judging by the happy grin on his face when he looked at me, I knew he did not.

We hugged again and I got in my car. “Bye. Drive safe.” I said to him before closing my door, starting my engine, and driving away. I took the long and backwards route to the freeway because I didn’t want him driving behind me and I needed a moment to pull over, take a deep breath, and collect my thoughts.

“Arghh!” I screamed out loud. This was the worst date I’d been on. Because we had actually taken the time to get to know each other before meeting in person, I felt bad. There had been an expectation of attraction and while it was there for him, I didn’t follow-through with my part. I felt as though I had let him down, and he was a good guy. He deserved for me to like him. But I didn’t, and I can’t force myself to feel something that I don’t.

I now dreaded the follow-up call. The call where he’d ask me how I was doing, say he had a great time at the birthday party and wanted to do it again, and I’d have to tell him the truth. The ugly truth. But for now, I drove home with a new resolve to meet people in person. Actually in person, not in a “drive-by”. That way, we’d both know the initial attraction was already there.